A/N: I think Sherlock and John would make a point of hanging out regularly once the baby is born, but as any parent knows, sometimes taking care of the kids takes priority over your friends. This is a bit of silly fun - if I've achieved what I set out to do, it's the unsexiest sex in fandom, but hopefully funny. Written entirely in dialogue - first by text, then on the phone. Sherlock is bold italic, John is plain text. Please review.

Bored! -SH

It's Saturday night. Why aren't you here? - SH

I'm babysitting. I did tell you. Mary has a night out with other new mums.

Must have filtered. They'll be like cackling hens - SH

Probably. Anyway I thought Greg was coming over to keep you company?

Who's Greg? -SH

Oh, Lestrade. He was here but we had a disagreement. I think I hurt him -SH

What did you say? Call and apologise, it'll be fine. He's used to you trampling over his feelings by now.

No, I mean I think I actually hurt him. Physically - SH

Oh god, did you punch him again? Is he ok?

He'll be fine, bit sore right now though. I may have overestimated his pain threshold - SH

Oh my god, what did you do to him? Are you sure he's ok?

It's supposed to be OMG John -SH

I was trying to demonstrate that a certain amount of pain can in fact be pleasurable. The nipple clamps were maybe not the best idea - SH

OMG! WTF? Why do you even have those?

Actually, never mind. Rather not know.

It was an experiment in keeping with our debate -SH

Of course it was. And that debate was...?

That the endorphins produced as a result of pleasure increase your tolerance to pain, obviously. Lestrade disagreed with my position so I had to demonstrate - SH

Were you two having sex?

What? No! Why would you think that? -SH

Um... Nipple clamps? Sex toy? Position?

Don't be juvenile John, it was an experiment. Perhaps I needed to spend longer on the pleasure before administering the pain -SH

Discussion needed between you and Greg I think! So was your experiment successful?

We didn't complete it - SH

So now you're bored. Tense? Irritable?

Of course I'm irritable, Lestrade left before the end. It makes the data I gathered worthless - SH

Not worthless Sherlock, you just need to try again sometime, but alter your parameters so that Greg is able to make it to the end.

I don't think he'll let me try again - SH

You might be surprised. So what now?

What are you wearing? -SH

Jeans and a sweater, why?

Is it the soft blue one that brings out the colour of your eyes and feels so good to touch? - SH

WTF? Sherlock, did you hack my phone again? This sounds like a conversation Mary and I... Oh! are you trying to send me sex texts?

Obviously -SH

Why?

It's an experiment. You told me to find something to do so I'm doing it - SH

Not this! If you want to investigate sex go out and find a willing partner. God knows half of London is willing! And stop hacking my phone!

Do you have anything better to do? You're stuck in your flat with a small person that can in no way stimulate your mind. I am offering a way for you to help science - SH

How does sexting with you help science? Other than making me need more meds to block out the trauma!

We are not 'sexting'. This is a legitimate experiment - SH

A Sexperiment?

Humour? Really John? - SH

My best friend is conducting a sex-related experiment on me. Believe me Sherlock, I need to hang on to humour! What are we trying to prove?

The limitations of male arousal at distance without manual stimulation -SH

What? Plain English?

The effectiveness of text sex, and possibly verbal sex -SH

Verbal sex? As opposed to oral sex ha ha. I assume you mean talking dirty?

Indeed. The effect of words alone, without touch -SH

Without touching myself?

Correct. No masturbation. Can I trust you? - SH

I think the fact I'm even contemplating this means we have a fairly firmly established trust, don't you? If I agree to this will you promise to call Greg?

Ok. Why? Never mind. Shall we begin? - SH

Ok.

Sherlock?

Apologies. My mind went blank so I had to search the internet for an erotic script. I'm ready - SH

Do you have a pen and paper handy? - SH

Ooh dirty talk! Why the hell do I need paper?

To record your observations John. You're not here just to enjoy yourself, there is a point to all this -SH

I thought the point was to get me horny?

If we must resort to such description, then yes, but I need to measure how aroused you are? -SH

But surely that is subjective? There may be a medical scale for it but it's not something I'm familiar with, are you?

No. Perhaps we should define a simplified scale? Say five levels? - SH

1 flaccid, no arousal 2 increased blood flow, minor interest 3 semi- erect, some sexual interest 4 erect, definite sexual interest 5 ejacuation, confirmed and evidenced sexual interest - SH

I suppose I could work with that. What would you expect currently?

A 2? You haven't turned me down flat which would indicate some stirring at the mere thought of this exercise - SH

Fair assessment. So this script? Please don't use a transcript of any conversation on my phone!

Relax. Comfortable? -SH

What do you think?

I meant are you sitting comfortably? - SH

Not exactly. Can we get on with it? Do you expect me to respond? Is this a two-way thing?

Do you give Mary 20 questions before you have sex? The only responses I require are observations. Please also note them down so I can analyse them later - SH

Ok. Ready. I think.

I couldn't stop thinking of you today. When I woke I realised I'd been dreaming of you. I was so hard - SH

Blushing! I hope this means we've started and that wasn't just something you felt you needed to share? Definitely triggered a 2.5 with that.

Excellent. Catalogue all physiological responses exactly like that please, not just the obvious - SH

In my dream when you walked in you were wearing the tightest fucking jeans and a tshirt that showed off your sensational body -SH

I couldn't wait to touch you. You looked so fucking hot - SH

Still blushing. The curse words are good. Definitely good. This is something off the net right?

I backed you up against the door and kissed you till you were moaning and writhing against me -SH

Maybe a 3 but stop signing every message. Being reminded it's you doesn't help.

Are you imagining someone else?

None of your business just carry on.

I kissed down your neck, nipping and sucking, leaving raised red marks. I pinned you to the door with my body. My own arousal pressed hard against your hip.

You curled your hands around my arse and pulled me roughly towards you, kissing me hard. So fucking hard.

We were pressed so close, grinding together, fierce hot kisses with tongues, teeth nipping at lips.

Ok, we're definitely well past a 3. The desire to touch myself is increasing. I feel warm. Slightly breathless. Having no physical stimulus is a bit frustrating though.

So you don't think you could reach orgasm from text message alone? -SH

No. The messages are nicely hot but the gaps between don't maintain stimulation. Perhaps if it was more two-way? I'm not offering that, just to be clear.

Outside my defined parameters. Maybe some other time -SH

I think we've reached the limit of what we can achieve by text. Shall we move on to the next stage? I'll call you –SH

"Did you remember to record all your observations?"

"Yes, yes. Got my trusty pad and pen here?"

"What's the matter? You sound nervous."

"Well, it's a bit weird isn't it? Actually talking... That detachment is gone and it's a bit more intimate?"

"That should assist surely?"

"Yes, but it's you and me! It's not like it's... Someone else and me."

"Hmmm. You can pretend I'm someone else if it helps? I believe married couples do that often once they commit to having sex with the same person forever."

"Sherlock!"

"Well don't you ever?"

"Occasionally, but don't you dare tell Mary!"

"Like she doesn't do it too."

"Sherlock, can we just get on with it before I become the second bloke to bail on you tonight?"

"Right. So where are we on the scale?"

"Um, probably back to a 2.5. Coitus interruptus will do that."

"Hang on."

"Oh wow! What are you doing? That got its attention! Do it again! That breathy thing."

"'It's'? I tucked the phone under my chin so I could move the mouse to get rid of the screen saver."

"It helps if I talk about it objectively. Don't judge. The heavy breathy thing was good."

"Interesting. Make a note, and I'll repeat it."

"Not as good that time. Maybe if it's anticipated it's less erotic. Surprise me again later?"

"Ok, back to the script. I palmed your cock through your jeans marvelling at your size."

"Ok why are you laughing?"

"Sorry. It's not what you said, I'm quite flattered, it's the way you said it. This is supposed to be sexy Sherlock - you're not reading case notes aloud in court!"

"So the words aren't necessarily important, it's the tone?"

"Yes. Try it with a sort of deep purr."

"I'm not a bloody cat!"

"Think more dangerous, sexy tiger than domestic moggy. I know - think about that text alert Irene Adler set on your phone and try to put something similar in your voice. But more manly, preferably."

"Interesting that in the context of what we're doing you ask me to be more masculine than feminine."

"Don't go there Sherlock. No analysis or deductions, just try it out."

"I palmed your cock through your jeans marvelling at your size. Better?"

"I'll say!"

"I really love it when you..."

"Umm?"

"Make me..."

"Ummmm?"

"A cheese and pickle sandwich."

"What? Sherlock!"

"Sorry, I wanted to know if the words mattered at all. Perhaps food isn't erotic."

"You had me until you mentioned the sandwich. Food can be sensual, but maybe not cheese and pickle."

"I couldn't wait to unzip you and push your jeans down to your muscular thighs. Wrapping my hand around you I worked you for a moment but I could wait no longer. I dropped to my knees."

"Jesus!"

"Good?"

"Almost a 4. Keep going."

"No touching. Keep notes."

"With one obscene, hot wet suck I sank down onto your eager length, my fingers curled around your base. Your fingers tangled in my hair as my tongue swiped repeatedly over and around you."

"Fuck notes, just say 4! Aaargh!"

"What? Surely not already?"

"Of course not! I'm never going to get there without some sort of friction! It's impossible to just imagine it into happening. Killing me!"

"I hold you steady against the door, pressing my free forearm across your stomach to still your jerking hips. I am in control of all sensation and you will come when I say you can."

"I can hear you smiling you bastard. This is supposed to be an experiment not a fucking torture session. Are you getting off on this?"

"Don't be stupid, I'm collecting data to support my hypothesis. Where are you up to?"

"4 and nothing you can say is going to get me any further you git!"

"Ok not even the freaking hot breathy thing! Look can you draw your conclusions so I can bugger off to the bathroom to reach my own conclusion before I start humping the sofa?"

"And stop laughing!"

"Ok, ok. Assuming my phone sex technique was somewhere near adequate, do you think you could ever come without touching yourself?"

"No! Give me ten minutes in the bathroom though if you value our friendship!"

"Only ten? Not entirely unsuccessful then. Go ahead, your phone is mobile, we can discuss the results while you conclude."

"Sod off Sherlock, I am not taking you in there with me! Now fuck off and call Greg like you promised. I think he'd really love to hear from you. Ring me back in an hour if you and he haven't found something better to do."