Disclaimer - I do not own Naruto, Nor Kakashi, Nor Sakura, Nor Sasuke, I believe the only original character in this story is the old lady…everything belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, who's pretty much the awesome-est dude alive because he created Naruto…yup, that's all.
Rated...
T…Most likely due to use of profanity (nothing extreme), and some graphical, and/or disturbing scenes that are just plain wrong…along with some suggestive themes…perhaps. I haven't written it yet, of course, and therefore I may revise my rating after I write it…Yeah.
Chronic Tardiness, you say…?
One-Shot - Kakashi stops to help an old lady across the street…
Naruto was pacing, Sasuke was brooding as always, and Sakura was sitting down, sighing every five minutes or so.
"Grrr! That damn Kakashi! Why is he always so late!" Naruto seethed, still pacing restlessly.
"Your legs are gonna spontaneously combust if you keep on pacing like that, dobe…" Sasuke said coolly, causing Sakura to swoon as always. The guy could shift a muscle in the slightest manner possible and she would be sure to notice and respond in the same manner as always…
"Sasuke-Kun! You're sooo cool!" She blushed, but Sasuke ignored her for the most part. Naruto had a concerned look on his face.
"A-are you serious, Sasuke?" Naruto's voice was full of worry, and he glanced down at his legs, gulping visibly.
"Yeah…and my kunai will jump out of it's pouch and start doing the ramba, too." Sasuke said, still…brooding. Sakura took this the wrong way (the perverted type of way) and blushed, giggling to herself. Naruto took a full minute or two standing still with a blank look on his face before he realized that Sasuke had insulted him.
"HEY!" He shouted, pointing a finger at him. Sasuke glared in return.
"You better not insult me! I'm gonna be the hokage one day, and you'll see…Yeah! I'll make you do all kinds of crap and you'll be complaining and stuff but I'll just laugh in the background and watch as you lift all this heavy stuff and and…" Naruto's carry-on insult continued for a few more seconds before Sakura stormed up to him and punched him over the head.
"Hey! Why'd you…"
"Baka!" She cut him off, glaring. Inner Sakura roared "Don't diss my precious sasuke, you loser!" Naruto had a somewhat mortified look on his face as Sakura began to seethe and flames erupted from her hair, as she started going on about the way she was planning to castrate him and…well, I don't wanna go there…and Sasuke had moved further away from them, brooding heavily. What a freakin' emo.
"Yo…"
Kakashi was immediately met by a barrage of incomprehensive shouting (from Sakura and Naruto, of course) though he could make out the words "late", "irresponsible", and something that sounded dangerously like a threat to remove him of his most prized possessions, which he was sure came from Sakura, and Sasuke was in the background as always, brooding.
Why is he one of the most popular characters in the damn series if all he ever does is confine himself to his thoughts and dwell on defeating his brother…? The guy's practically a mute…I just don't understand. Kakashi thought to himself.
"I'm sorry for being late…" He begin, but was quickly drowned out by Sakura and Naruto. He continued, undaunted.
"…But I stopped to help and old lady with a bag full of groceries cross the street and…"
The two continued to verbally murder him, while he simply continued talking.
"…Ran into some rather unpleasant people who attempted to kidnap the old lady, who turned out to be a rather famous figure and…"
He paused, looking at the two to see if they were paying attention to their sensei. Sakura was, of course, still yelling at him like he had murdered her mother, and Naruto had apparently gotten bored with screaming and had begun to count his fingers. Kakashi sighed.
Oh well…I knew they wouldn't believe me…it was a worth a try, though.
- Nearly Three Hours Earlier -
"…Oh, my…" A rather girlish giggle escaped Kakashi's mouth, as he blushed ever so slightly, pouring over the orangish-pinkish book, Come Come Gone Wild, oblivious to everyone around him and completely immersed within the pornographic book in which he spent most of his time reading. Though, the new volume had finally come in…
Jiraiya-Sama… He thought, adding in the honorific in respect to both the famous peeping tom's reputation as a Saanin, one of the three legendary ninja trained under the sandaime hokage, and in honor of the man whom had so masterfully created the masterpiece which he held in his hands. The experience was almost…
His chain of thought was broken as he noticed a poor, miniscule old lady struggling to lift her bag of heavy groceries. He looked at the walk/don't walk sign…walk. He sighed. It was rather busy today, traffic was killer…she might have to wait a bit before she could get another chance to cross the busy street, and Kakashi's kind self got the best of him…well, sorta. He grinned…Yeah, the ladies simply adored a kind, gentle man. This was a good opportunity for him…
He paused for a brief moment, looking at the busy street, the cars, et cetera, wondering when Konoha ever looked like this before. Figuring it was some random twist to help explain why an old lady would need help in crossing the streets of Konoha by the author (I mean, seriously, she's crossing the freakin' street of freakin' Konoha…are there any cars in Konoha? Nope, haven't seen one. What's gonna run over her, Gaara's gourd?), he walked his way over to her, smiling (though he figured it didn't matter anyways, because she most likely could not see behind his mask), and offered her a hand. She stared at him.
Poor thing…she's so old. She must be nearly blind or something like that…I wonder if-
The old lady growled and slapped his hand away violently, glaring up at him.
"Listen, bub! I know I still look pretty damn good, considering my age and whatnot, but don't think you can simply molest me in public because you're bigger, stronger, and have raging hormones!"
Kakashi blinked. Well. Maybe he had been mistaken.
"Of course, it wouldn't count as molestation if you took me to your place and did it there, you know…momma's still got junk in the trunk, if you wanna rummage around in the glove compartment!"
Kakashi shuddered, a chill spreading through his body…he tightened his grip on Come Come Gone Wild, one of his only pleasures in life. It seemed to feed him strength.
"I…just wanted to know if you needed any help carrying those heavy groceries across the street, ma'am." He said in a cautious tone, wary of what the old, obviously in-desperate-need of a lover (or at least a blow-up doll) lady would say.
She seemed to find the offer very humorous, cackling like an old person (which she was…tee hee, I love old people, they're so…aged.).
"My "groceries", you say? My, my, my, young man! Are they really that heavy…?" She said, looking down at her chest.
Kakashi's heart seeemed to stop. Oh, dear lord…
"That's not what I meant…now do you want my help or not? You're supposed to be a freakin' old lady, now act like one, dammit." Kakashi spat out before he was able to rethink what he was saying. Oops.
"What did you call me?" She screamed, a fire seeming to burn within her eyes in an all-too gai sensei-ish type of manner. She lifted the groceries with one hand, causing Kakashi's visible eye to widen in surprise, and threw a rather large watermelon at him. Taken aback by the old woman's strength, he didn't have time to dodge the watermelon as it hit him straight in the stomach, knocked him down to the ground, as well as knocking the wind out of his body. He grimaced in pain…he was a freakin' jounin, had the freakin' sharingan eye, and he pretty much got his ass handed to him by a crazy, perverted old lady.
"Yeah, you like that, bitch!" She screamed, sounding like fingernails on chalkboard. He winced…Ow. He hated that sound. A lot. It used to make him weep when he was little, just like the time his kitty got ran over...by his dad's non-existant car, which doesn't exist, 'cuz this is freakin' Konoha. But it did exist this time around, because the author likes messing with stuff...and therefore, yeah.
She ran over to him and kicked him in the stomach, then proceeded to reach for her cane and hit him numerous times with it, while he remained glued to the ground, pain racking his body.
"So…that's her, eh?" Kisame whispered, taking a sip from his coffee, the other people that currently occupied the starbucks seemingly oblivious to the rather odd appearance of the half-shark, towering, weird-cloaky-thingyed guy sitting next to a similar strangely dressed man.
(Note the author's complete lack of respect for the Naruto universe's lack of practically anything that exists in this fic…yeah, that's right! It's my fic, so you'll have to deal with whatever I put in it, woman!)
"Foolish Kisame…Do you not foolishly recognize the foolish man whom is currently being foolishly beaten by the foolish cane of the old, foolish…"
"Itachi, shut the hell up with the foolish talk. You've been doing it ever since you freakin' joined Akatsuki. You're no longer giving your brother a dramatic, sappy speech about his foolishness, you're freakin' in an evil organization thingy…yeah. You sound like a dick."
The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife, but that's just a metaphor, so in reality you'd be cutting air and everyone around you would be like, "dude, WTF, he's like totally cutting the air, what a loser." In which afterwards you would go breed like Sasuke because you were a freakin' emo if you were cutting the air, so that's what I'm thereby labeling you, dammit.
TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER TWO OF THE ONE-SHOT, WHICH IS NOT REALLY A ONE SHOT BUT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO WRITE IT ALL AT THE MOMENT SO THEREFORE IT WILL BE A ONE-TWO SHOT! DUNNN!
Please Rate and Review, Brethren:D