Hey Guys! I found this story on my computer yesterday, already forgot that I wrote it. But as I read it again I thought I might post it here, maybe some of you are interested in reading it. It is just a short one shot from Rory's point of view right after she rejected Logan's proposal. I hope have fun reading it and leave me a review!
I Caused Those Tears
I walk around on the deserted Yale campus and still can't believe what just happened. Logan proposed to me. The man I've been in love with for such a long time of my life, the first man I've been living with asked me to marry him and I rejected. I told him I couldn't marry him. And I let him go.
No. I hear myself saying this word over and over again. I know I had a reason to say it, I know that it seemed to be the right thing for me just minutes ago. But right now I don't remember any of my reasons. All I remember is the look on Logan's face after I said it. It was just one little word but I saw how it destroyed him to hear me saying it.
It broke my heart to see him like this. I told him how sorry I was. But I couldn't take it back. Something stopped me from taking back my rejection and instead tell him I would marry him. I don't know what it was, but something even stopped me from holding him back.
Maybe it was my mother's voice, telling me that I shouldn't plan my future life with a man on my mind. But then again, how could I have stuck to this advice, it has got nothing to do with what Logan asked me to do. He asked me to marry him, not to give up all my plans for him. I'm sure he would have let me live my dreams. No, I know he would have done that.
Maybe it was the voice of his family, of his mother, who said I wasn't the right one for him because I had no idea what it meant to be a Huntzberger and that I would never be a suitable wife for him because of my dream to work as a journalist. But I never gave a damn on what any of the Huntzbergers said, so this can't be the reason either.
My thoughts travel to what social conventions say, that you have to choose between your career and your love life. Could it be that I made my decision because I didn't believe in the possibility to have both, a career and a love life? I shake my head about my own thoughts. I never followed the conventions, that's what my mother taught me, that you should live your life the way you wanted to do, not the way others say you should.
But if I lived my life the way I wanted to live it, why am I walking around on an empty campus right now, lonely and with tears running down my face? If I lived my life the way I wanted to live it I would be with Logan right now, sitting in a white carriage with a diamond ring on my finger, kissing the man I love more than anything else in the world.
But I am here, no matter what I dream of, I am here without him. I didn't do what I most wanted, I ran away. I ran away just because it is easier to go on with the live as you know it than to let it go and jump into a new situation without knowing where it is going to take you. I didn't have the courage to leave the streets that I knew, so I let him go. I let him go even though it caused me more pain than anything before to see him walk away.
The pain is still there. But not what stopped me to hold him back, whatever it might have been. I want to follow him, tell him that I love him, that I feel to young to get married but that I still want to be with him. But I can't. He's gone. He left me and my life to go to San Francisco. My master and commander has sailed away into a new life. One that doesn't include me, because I didn't have the courage to follow him.
As I continue to walk the echo of his words is on my mind: Ace, will you marry me? I feel the tears coming as I realize that I'm never going to hear him calling me Ace again. It seemed to be something normal, something I was used to, but now that I've lost it, it seems to be the most precious thing in the world to hear him saying this little word.
I reach the spot where we met each other for the first time. I would give so much to be able to hate him again, like I did back than because he acted superior about Marty. But all I feel is the deep love for him. And somehow I already know that I will love him forever.
More tears run down my face as I continue my way. I have no idea where I am going, somehow I have the feeling that I can never stop walking again. There is no place to go. While I was with Logan I always had a place to go. I was home where he was. With him gone I feel like I will never feel at home anywhere again. Of course Stars Hollow will always be my hometown, and my mom's house will always be "home". But with Logan home was never actually a place. I was home whenever I looked into Logan's eyes.
I go on walking and suddenly I find myself standing at the same spot where I started. And the carriage is still there. But it is no longer empty, no longer waiting for me to get in to carry me into my new life. The carriage is no longer empty, but I can see the person sitting inside is.
Logan sits there, his face buried in his hands. His body shakes with sobs and I can hear him cry. Suddenly I feel like I am looking at myself from above as I stand there and watch this broken man. And I want to scream at myself because I am the one who broke him, I am the one who destroyed him with just one tiny little word. No.
I'm no longer able to move, all I can do is stand there and stare at the man I love, the man I always thought of as the One. I stay there and stare at him and all I can think of is: I caused those tears!