Hello, readers! I know I haven't really done anything on fanfiction in a while, but trust me when I say I have a good reason. My old computer sort of, well, died. R.I.P. baby. You see, some time a month or two ago I was just sitting on the couch with my Minato Namikaze plush doll, eating some pocky and watching Bleach, when my dog starting barking. He wouldn't shut up so I threw tiny little Minato at him and he dashed out of the way, thus knocking over the table, and in turn, making my computer smash to the ground in a million tiny pieces. It's all right now though. I got the viruses (mostly) cleaned off of my old computer and I'm back in business (sort of). For those of you who are reading Bittersweet Reminiscence, I'm truly sorry for the wait, and I'll have a chapter up soon. For those of you who have not read it, you really should (it's terrible, yay!) and I'll try to not ramble anymore so you won't have to suffer through it. Anyways, I found this story on my old computer and decided that I should really continue on from the first chapter. It's sort of light-hearted(for now) and mostly for entertainment purposes. (It's supposed to be funny, but I may have failed miserably at it) So, I hope you enjoy it. If you do, I may actually keep on updating. (I have a horrible trend of updating painfully slowly)
THERE IS A POLL UP ON MY PROFILE NOW ABOUT WHO IN THE AKATSUKI SHOULD TRAIN IZUMI, SO PLEASE GO AND VOTE. THANKS-SUIGAA
A beta is needed, so if you would like to beta, please PM me or leave it in a review.
Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own Naruto.
Warning: Language. Comments of sexiness.
CHAPTER 1
For the record, I had never thought of all the bad things that may happen if I were to get sucked into the Narutoverse. I am not a masochist who wished to have pain inflicted upon me. No, in fact, I am quite the opposite. I may just be the biggest sissy who has ever existed. That being said, I would like to place blame on someone else for my stupidity. I have decided that my scapegoat will indeed be fanfiction as a whole. They are indeed to blame because they had forced me to be blind. How was I supposed to suspect that anything bad would happen when every freaking OC who had ever been created was a mary-sue who never had anything bad happen to them?
Just so you know, authors of unrealistic fanfictions, when you randomly appear in the Narutoverse and a criminal organization finds you, they don't immediately think that you are a beautiful goddess and offer to marry you in the first five seconds of knowing you. Especially if you are more than five years younger than the youngest member. Being a ten-year old female was just about the worst kind of person to be at this point, because a) you are ten and b) you are a female. They do not welcome you into their homes and offer you their beds. They don't throw a cloak around you and announce that you are now a member. Itachi does not smile, Leader does not suggest that you stay around as their maid, Sasori does not say that you would make a beautiful puppet, Kakuzu does not offer to do explicit things to you with his tentacles, Konan does not sit down with you and giggle about how cute she thinks Leader is, and by god people, Zetsu doesn't just say "Okay, I'll totally put my whole being a cannibal thing aside so we can be BFF's!" It doesn't happen. The Akatsuki are fierce people.
Sort of...
And that is exactly why I am in my current predicament. Which was chained to a chair in the middle of an Akatsuki meeting. And by meeting, I meant in a dark room with a bunch of hologram people. The only two people who were actually there were Itachi and Kisame, who were the two people who brought me there.
I wasn't sure why they'd spared my life momentarily. Maybe it was on a whim. Well, maybe I should reword that: Maybe Itachi did it on a whim. Kisame had immediately been set on the fact that I should die. His exact words were, "Samehada has been hungry for a while. I need to feed my baby." I would have giggled at the 'baby' comment if it weren't for the fact that there was a seven-foot shark man about to shave me and suck up my non-existent chakra with his giant sharksword thing. Thank god Itachi was secretly an amazingly caring person(for Sasuke and Konoha, that is) and said that since I had screamed, "HOLY ITACHI AND KISAME!" that I should probably be interrogated on what I knew and who else knew it. Maybe I shouldn't have screamed something that landed me in a place like this. I guess it did save me from Kisame's rath momentarily, but I had a sinking feeling in my gut that I would have Samehada sicked on me before the day ended. At least I would have died by the hand of an amazing character though. There was a bright side to everything.
All I could see were the eyes of the current Akatsuki members. I could make out Pein's rennigan, along with Konan's blue(sometimes they're yellow) eyes. There were a pair of small beady eyes, which I suspected were Sasori's, or rather his puppet Hiroku's. Kakuzu's jade and scarlet eyes were on the other side of a gap from Sasori. I was guessing that the gap should have been filled by Orochimaru seeing as how neither Deidara or Hidan were members yet. Beside Kakuzu were a pair of dull blue eyes, which I suspected were the eyes of Kakuzu's current, unimportant partner. Zetsu's yellow eyes glowed from beside Leaders. Itachi's red ones were beside me on one side(did that guy ever deactivate his Sharingan? No wonder he's going blind!) and on the other were Kisame's tiny fishy ones. I wondered what my own bright green ones looked like at the moment.
"State your name and how you know of our members," Leader said darkly.
If I wasn't chained to my chair I would have crawled under the desk at the moment. Or I would have just impaled myself on Samehada willingly. I was quivering so much that my voice came out in a whimper.
"I-Izu-Izumii," I answered nervously. "B-but yo-you c-can-" I cut myself off before I said anything stupid.
"What were you about to say?" he questioned, making me shudder in fear. Why'd I have to say anything in the first place? Stupid me.
"I-I was ju-just g-going to s-say that you c-can ca-call me Izzy b-but then I-I real-realized that i-it was a st-stupid thing t-to say t-to an S-rank cr-criminal," I stuttered.
Leader didn't care. Stupid sexy bastard.
"How do you know of our members?"
I blanched what were you supposed to say to the Leader of the Akatsuki?
Naruto would say something cool like, "I'll never tell you a thing, believe it!" Okay, so maybe it wasn't cool, but seriously, it's the famous 'believe it'.
WWSD?(What Would Suigetsu Do?)
He would do something awesome and badass, but I was neither awesome or a badass. So I improvised. I knew that if I full-out lied to the Akatsuki, then they'd know I was lying to them, so I was sort-of just stretching the truth.
"I've s-seen you before," I said hesitantly. My stutter was wearing off a little too. "S-sort of...In my visions."
"Visions?"
"Y-yeah," I said, hoping to god this would work. "I can s-sometimes see th-the future."
It was quiet for a while.
Oh no, I thought, they're plotting different ways to kill me.
Suigetsu, save me with your sexiness!
"You can see the future?" Pein questioned slowly.
"S-sort of, not really."
"Which is it?" he asked, tone threatening.
"Well, I can see some stuff. Not everything. Like...deaths...I can usually see people's deaths pretty well. Sometimes I can't, but I can usually tell roughly when and how they'll die," I said.
"Interesting..." an unknown voice whispered. This must have been Kakuzu's partner since I didn't recognize his voice.
"Prove it," Pein said after a pregnant pause.
"What?"
"Prove that you can see the future."
"How? You wouldn't know if it was actually going to happen or not." I said.
He considered this, or was plotting my death.
I improvised once more with my big mouth by saying, "I can also see some of the past."
"Prove it."
I was starting to hate those two words.
"Er..." What to say? What to say? What could I say to the leader of the Akatsuki to prove that I could see the past and future(or actually just watched them in an animated show). "I know that you're the Deva Path."
He just sat there.
"And that when you and Konan and Tangerine Boy-"
"Tangerine Boy?"
"Yes, I have nicknamed Yahiko Tangerine Boy." I said, "So when you orphans were with Jiraiya you had that little two-sided block thing with a frog on one side and plain red on the other so you knew if there was an imposter in the house." That made no sense at all, but hey, a true fan would remember stuff like that.
"I see," Pein said.
I wanted to stab myself. I should have left it at the Deva Path thing. I didn't want to remind him of Yahiko and the bad times and what not. Believe it or not, but I wasn't a completely heartless person. Nagato had an extremely difficult life, and Yahiko's death was like the saddest thing ever. I cried when I saw it. Sexy people shouldn't have to die.
"Are we going to kill this bitch or not?" growled a voice. God damn stupid Kakuzu's partner who I have no idea what his name is person! Why did Kakuzu always get stuck with moody people who liked to cuss? Poor Kakuzu. At least Hidan is actually hot, which I doubted this current guy was. Unimportant people in the series are never actually hot.
"Or we could just let the bitch go?" I suggested lightly.
No one paid me any heed. Stupid self-absorbed, sexy S-Rank criminals...
"I have never heard of anyone being able to see the future," Pein said after much consideration.
"Erm...Well, I'm not really sure how it happened..."
"Is it a trait in your clan?" he questioned. "A kekkei genkai?"
He just wanted to know if anyone else knew of him and his members.
"I'm not really sure. I don't know which clan I'm from actually. I'm an orphan," I said. It wasn't a lie. I had been an orphan in real life too, who had simply gone from foster home to foster home. I doubted anyone would even notice that I was gone. You get sucked into another world and the other one doesn't even care to notice. Thanks a lot, Earth.
"I don't believe you."
"Okay...I'm not really sure how I can disprove that or not," I said, and sighed. "I guess you can just kill me now. Who am I to get in the way of Kisame feeding his baby?" If I was going to die. I would go out with pride and style. I didn't know any better way than to have a bloodthirsty seven-foot sharkman waving a giant sharkskin sword at me. "Lay it on me, Hoshigaki."
I could see all the eyes blinking rapidly, as if they were wondering if I'd actually just offered to die.
"What?" someone asked. Their voice was higher because of disbelief, so I couldn't decipher whose voice it was.
"I said, 'I'm not really sure how I can disprove that-'"
"You're just going to say, 'okay, kill me'?"
"I'm not just going to, I already did," I said slowly, so they would understand. I thought they were supposed to be smart. "It's not like it matters. Nobody will miss me and I won't miss anyone either, so...yeah. I might as well let someone get something out of it, and if that's some hungry sword, so be it."
"That's all I need to hear," Kisame's voice said. I saw his eyes raise, suggesting that he stood up and was about to kill me. I closed my eyes in anticipation.
"Kisame. Sit," Leader ordered. My eyes shot open in surprise. Did the leader of the Akatsuki just save my life? First Itachi, now him. This was not how it was supposed to go. They were supposed to be vicious criminals, not people who allowed potential threats to live. I didn't even know these people...Where were the sexy evil criminals that I had come to know and love? These people were imposters, IMPOSTERS!
Kisame sat down.
"What?" I nearly screamed. "You guys are supposed to be vicious. Bad leader person! You don't save people, you kill them. I'm disappointed in you guys."
"Silence," Leader ordered. "Or I'll kill you."
"That's kind of what I wanted," I told him.
He was speechless. I guess he didn't really think that one through.
"On a different note-"
"Sissy..."
"-I would like to ask you a-
"Scaredy-Cat..."
"Will you stop trying to get me to kill you. It won't happen!" he said, anger tinting his voice.
"And that, my evil people, is how reverse psychology works," I said, grinning from ear to ear.
Really, I couldn't care less if they killed me or not. I would indefinitely die in the end, so what was the point in delaying it? They were the ruthless Akatsuki. They did not show mercy.
"Like I was going to say before. If you can...predict the future, then what exactly would you say is the best way to say...take down one of our enemies, say Konoha?"
I seriously thought about this. I'm not going to lie, I love Konoha to bits. If I had to choose between helping the Akatsuki or helping Konoha, I would definitely pick the Leaf Village. You can't really not chose the Leaf village since they have hundreds and maybe thousands of more people than the Akatsuki, even if those ten Akatsuki members are extremely sexy, and are also not, well, evil. Not to mention Konoha also had sexy people(and we go to the list).
The List
Naruto
Shikamaru
Kiba
Shino
Neji
Kakashi
The Fourth Hokage *aka: Minato Namikaze, Yondaime, Yellow Flash* ^.^(I just love him)
Asuma
Hayate(Rest his beautiful soul)
Genma
Kotetsu
Izumo
Sai
Sasuke*Even though he's an emo bastard, he is cute*
Itachi(I still consider him a member of Konoha)
Iruka
*There's probably more that I forgot*
/end/of/list/
"Hmm..." I thought, imaginarily stroking my imaginary beard. I was still tied up, people. You can't do sexy things when you're tied up...unless that's how you got tied up in the first place. "Well...I guess you could send a spy in or something. Someone who wouldn't be questioned at all though like...hmm...OOH! LIKE A GAY GUY! They would never suspect that the new gay guy in town is a spy!"
A/N: Just to clarify this now, I have nothing against homosexuals or anything of the sort. In fact, my best friend Daniel(love you, man!) is gay, so just saying...Don't flame me just because I said something about gay people.
Pein did not share my enthusiasm.
"A homosexual male...?"
"Well if you want to put it in fancy terms then yes, 'a homosexual male'." I said. "Don't get too blown away by my awesome idea now, Pein, just breath. And I know what you're thinking. 'Let's just send Kakazu's partner in', whatever the hell that guys name is, but let's get real. That guys going to be dead by the end of the week."
"WHAT?" Kakuzu's partner yelled.
"Yeah, Kakuzu totally kills you. It's awesome. End of story."
"Kakuzu, how many times have I told you to stop killing your partners? It's risky to get any more members," Pein growled.
"No, Pein," I said. "It's fine. That guy over there...um...what the hell is your name?"
"What, you don't know? I thought you could fucking see the future, you imposter!"
"Yeah, dipshit, I said I could see the future. And like I said before, you die in it, so you don't matter after that. Why should I remember something as stupid as that when you're going to be gone in no time. Baka..."
I felt extremely powerful. If you knew you were going to die anyways, then you might as well just say whatever you want. It was enlightening. I bet this is how Hidan feels, knowing that no one can ever kill him. Well, except for Shikamaru...but he doesn't know that.
"You little bitch-"
"Silence!" Pein said, and the guy fell quiet.
Lap Dog...
"If I have to tell another person to be quiet, then they die." he threatened.
"That's all I want," I said.
Pein sighed the most put-out sigh I've ever heard in my entire life. It was hilarious.
To the authors of any Naruto Fanficition ever: I must apologize. You were right. The Akatsuki aren't as ruthless as they seem if you're okay with the possibility of dying. They don't know what to do if you ask for death. They must find no pleasure in killing a suicidal person. Well...I wasn't suicidal, I just thought that getting killed by an Akatsuki member would be badass. You would do the same. Trust me.
I giggled a little.
"Can't we just kill this bitch already?" Kakuzu's partner-I have officially named him Sir Bob-asked. "She's mocking us."
"No, if I were mocking you then I would currently be acting like a fugly retard."
"You-"
"What are you going to do? Smack me with your hologram hand? Ooh...I'm so scared. I've already said I don't care if I die, or get tortured really, so what are you really going to do to me?" I asked.
"We could-"
"Raping is for fugly retards who can't get some the old-fashion way," I said, cutting him off. "And by the old-fashion way, I mean cornering people in alleys and Sharinganing them to the face."
"That explains A LOT," Kisame murmured, glancing at Itachi from out of the corner of his eyes.
"WHAT?" I questioned. This was ridiculous. The Akatsuki were supposed to be amazing evil people. Not this. Not this. "No it freaking doesn't! I just made that up, and it's stupid! How the hell does that make sense!? It's Itachi, ITACHI! He's flipping beautiful. He doesn't need to corner people and Sharingan them to the face! What the hell is this? You people are supposed to be evil. EVIL! This is not evil. I should be dead by now. DEAD! Not alive. You people should be ruthless, not little pansies who say 'that explains a lot' because it freaking doesn't? Did you guys all go to Pansy School or something? Huh? This is screwed up! Be evil! String me up by my toes, beat me unconcious, use Chinese water torture, make me listen to Justin Bieber music or something. Be freaking evil! GOD DAMNIT, I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! JUST STOP IT! Please, just...stop...it..."
I was crying by the end of it.
Cue fastly paced blinking once more.
"Leader, is this your indirect way of trying to get us to be more evil?" Kisame asked.
"You actually hired an actor?" Sasori asked.
"I thought we already had this meeting last week..." Kakuzu mumbled.
"WHAT THE HELL?! YOU TALK ABOUT THIS REGULARLY?!" I yelled.
"Hn," Itachi grunted.
Kisame translated: "He says, 'some of our earlier members have ruined our reputation a bit.'"
"YOU'RE RUINING IT RIGHT NOW!"
"I think you just need to calm down," he said.
"You're making me lose my patience..." Sasori grumbled.
"SHUSH YO' LIPS, SASORI! THE DAY YOU TURNED YOURSELF INTO A PUPPET IS THE DAY YOU GAVE UP YOUR RIGHT TO ACT LIKE A REAL BOY!"
"That's not really nice..." Sir Bob said.
"How much longer do I have to stay here?" I asked. "Because this...this is just sad. You guys are proving all the fanfiction authors out there right, and...they come up with absurd things. You shouldn't act like this. You're supposed to be evil."
"And how do you suppose we do that?" Pein asked.
"Be the Akatsuki, and not a bunch of pansies."
"So you have a plan?"
"There's only one thing I can think of..." Cue dramatic pause. "We need Deidara and Hidan. They must have been what made you guys super evil and cool, because this just ain't working out guys."
"Ain't isn't a word," Kakuzu pointed out.
"Oh my god...You guys need more help than I thought was possible..." I mumbled. "Itachi is literally the only person who hasn't said anything stupid yet. He is officially the only person who is not OOC, except for the part where he saved me. The rest of you, including you Pein, are just stupid though. Maybe not Konan, but she hasn't said anything yet so I can't judge her."
"You talked about Deidara and Hidan...who are they?" Pein asked hesitantly.
"They would have been future members, but you need them now. Like, right now. Especially Hidan, because he's a bad motherlover. And you guys need to sexy up the place."
"Sexy up the place?" The word sexy was extremely odd on Pein's lips.
"Yes, because to be evil you need to be sexy," I explained. When the hell was someone, probably Tobi, going to jump out of the closet-if they even have one-and yelling 'Tobi's just kidding! The Akatsuki is evil, and a good boy!'?
"How do we get...'sexy'?"
"First things first, Sir Bob has to go."
"Sir Bob?" Sir Bob asked.
"I named you Sir Bob because I don't care enough to know your real name." I clarified. "Anyways, he has to go. Then, you replace him with Hidan down the line. I'm not sure if Hidan has broken off from his village yet or-"
"What the fuck are you rambling on about?"
I blinked and looked around, causing me to lurch back into reality.
"What?" I asked.
"Leader just told Kisame to sit and then you just started rambling on about Sir Bob and sexy people..."
"Holy hell...none of that actually happened?!" I asked. "Thank god..."
At least the Akatsuki weren't actually pansies.
"What were you doing? Planning your escape? Any attempts would be futile," Kisame informed me, showing me two rows of pointy teeth.
"I was just having a vision," I lied. "It was weird too, because I usually have them when I'm sleeping, but this time I had one when I was awake, which has only happened a few times."
Sir Bob scoffed. "This is obviously a lie to save herself."
"How many times do I have to tell you people that I'm okay with dying?" I asked.
They were evil now, but not smart. Can't I just have both?
"What did you see?" Pein asked. "And do not lie to me."
"I saw Sir Bob dying. And by Sir Bob, I mean Kakuzu's partner. And I saw Kakuzu also killing a lot of other people you pair him up with until he is placed with one person, who is extremely sexy and badass I will point out."
Sir Bob was speechless.
"Who is this person who ends Kakuzu's killing spree?"
"His name's Hidan. I don't know what clan he's from, but he's from...er...I don't remember the name of the village...maybe it's Ugakure...no, that's not right. I'm pretty sure it starts with a U or something like that. It's that one where they're going to stop being a ninja village so that they can be a tourist attraction with hot springs."
"How many times did your parents drop you as a baby?" Kisame asked.
"I said I was an orphan. I don't have parents."
"Oh, yeah..."
"How could this Hidan person possibly make me not kill him?" Kakuzu asked. He had a really deep voice. It was cool. "I don't make friends."
"He's a jashinist." It was silent. I guess no one knew what a jashinist was. "That's a religion which makes the follower immortal."
"That would solve our problems with Kakuzu's partners," Leader said. "Unless you are lying..."
"Like I said before, I can't really prove that I'm not," I said. "I'm not really sure the village he is from has even transformed into a tourist attraction yet. If it's not, then that could prove it, but other than that I don't know. Unless..."
"Unless what?"
"Well...Orochimaru just left the Akatsuki, correct?"
"Correct."
"So he's going to be needing a new partner. You can start searching for candidates for it and then when you find the person you want to replace you can ask me who it is. The only thing is, is that you can lock me up in some room or something, so I won't be able to get outside help, which will prove that I can actually see the future."
"I see," Pein said, considering the notion. "So, do you already know who Sasori's next partner is?"
"Yes, I do. But you guys haven't started searching for his new partner right, so I shouldn't have been able to know who you would have picked."
"I'll look into it."
An hour later, I found myself chained to a wall in a plain metal room.
I, Izumi aka: Izzy, am the Akatsuki's new prisoner, and I have proved all the fanfiction writers wrong. The Akatsuki are not cuddly little bunnies, but evil criminals. They show no mercy, and that's exactly how I like them.
So, yeah...what'd you think? Review/Favorite/Follow.
JUST A REMINDER: PLEASE GO CHECK OUT THE POLL ON MY PROFILE AND VOTE. THANKS-SUIGAA