Though many pirates envied the life of Sheriff Fester Shinetop, he didn't find his job all that easy, and it definitely wasn't enjoyable. Between the obnoxious, rat-breathed jailbird Otis, the numerous street loiterers including the one-eyed dwarf who constantly asked passerby whether or not they had a cousin named Sven or a barber named Floyd and the carnies who spent all day hawking PTA minutes and swilling what appeared to be a concoction of rum and jam, the portly voodoo lady who resided in a downtown shack that reeked of radioactive green stew and salmonella-infested jinxed chickens, and that Lucas creep who hung around in a troll suit while quoting Monty Python over by the south bridge, Melee Island's citizens were a suspicious lot at best. Fortunately for Fester, he had an eager little deputy named Largo LaGrande who was always trying to help him out in life.
"I've noticed you haven't dated anyone since you got to this island," Largo said to Fester. "That's why, conveniently, I've used my cushy government status to acquire a ticket for you to be a contestant on The Mating Game, Melee Island's number one show for its lonesome citizens to win a first mate on the ship of love. The game starts in approximately three minutes in the alley that houses the underground tunnels."
"This is incredible news!" exclaimed Fester, and walked with Largo over to the alley, his favorite location on the entire island to gawk around.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is The Mating Game!" announced Stan of Stan's Used Ship Emporium. "In only ten minutes, one of these three eligible bachelorettes will take home Melee Island's own Sheriff Shinetop. Bachelorette #1 enjoys nothing better than insult sword fighting up a storm at Port Royal. Put your hands together for Sword Master Carla! Bachelorette #2 hails from exotic Booty Island, where every day is Mardi Gras. Her hobbies include chartering ships and persistently whining in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Say hello to Kate Capsize! Bachelorette #3 is obviously loaded to the gills, with Governor's Mansions on both Melee Island and Booty Island. Though she owns several deadly piranha poodles, she would give them up at a drop of a hat to adopt that spiffy dog in the Scumm Bar with her newfound suitor. Give a warm welcoming welcome to Governor Elaine Marley."
"I'll take the Governor," said Fester, and walked over to extend a kiss to the elegant redhead. But to his surprise, the greasy hairs on Fester's handlebar mustache touched even thicker hairs. Angrily suspecting a prank, Fester ripped off Elaine's dress to the shock of all of the observing Melee Island citizens. Bachelorette #3 was not Governor Elaine Marley at all, but two Monkey Island monkeys!
"Who did this?" Fester roared. "It better not have been that meddling punk Guybrush Threepwood!"