Welcome to the most epic Hamtaro fanfic you'll ever read. It is a tale of birth, death, and everything in between. Mostly death. It will tug at your heartstrings like no other tale. Prepare to read ... THE MOST EPIC STORY EVER.
Disclaimer: I Do not own Hamtaro. And PLEASE do not take this fic seriously. At all. This was originally posted at HHK for lulz's sake like a year or so ago. It's pretty much just a stream of consciousness of complete weirdness.
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It was an average day at the clubhouse. Everyone was sitting around the table playing an average game of hamster strip poker. Needless to say, the only one wearing anything was basically Howdy, so he was the only one that felt all exposed when he took his apron off. Bijou sprayed some pheromones all over herself and Boss immediately fell in love with her. Hamtaro went over there too but he got a sucker punch right in the nose. He would be single. Forever.
Boss and Bijou sat in the hospital room together, Bijou in lots of pain. A baby popped out of her you-know-where. It sparked as the light from the window shone upon it. It was like Bijou but blue with pink ribbons and a tail like Sandy. Boss gasped at this mary-sue of a child and nom'd it. Totally unexpectedly, Bijou gave birth to another child. It looked freakishly like Dexter and had nothing special going on. Together, they named their spawn "Bojou". Bojou was born with a bunch of random contagious diseases. The crazy part is that he showed no symptoms.
In 10 hamster years, aka 2 months, Bijou got tired of Boss' cahorting with the other chicks (and even some dudes), so they split up. Boss went to Stan and Bijou went to Hamtaro. Little did Hamtaro know that Bojou had given Bijou all these diseases which were then passed on to him, so he went home with them and infected Laura. Laura became ill, and desperately needed some help from WebMD. Sadly, her parents denied her permission to grow a laptop tree in their front yard, so she suffered in silence. Then she died. Hamtaro too. Since she had such mediocre parents, they never checked up on her and parasites began to fester in their house. One day the smell got so bad that Forrest got pretty pissed about it and went upstairs to check on his daughter, belt in hand for some serious whipping. He tripped on the top stair and fell all the way down, landing on his wife and killing her.
Kana, residing next door, heard all of this nonsensery and knocked on their door. Upon seeing the madness, she fainted and drowned in the carpet. Shag is deadly. Her parents found her and called police, uncovering all the bodies. They planned a funeral for Laura and the gang, since Hamtaro was obviously the hero of the town and everyone loved him. All the hamster owners in the vicinity planned on attending.
Kip and Sue, along with their hamster Cappy, got into their car to leave the next day. Due to very faulty wiring in the radio, the car immediately exploded when the key was put into ignition. Jingle planned on sneakily hitching a ride with them, so he was like "sh it" and hopped on his pig instead. A fat guy walking down the street was like "YES" and captured the pig, greasing him up and putting him in one of those greased pig contests. Jingle just kinda sat there and fell over.
Noel was driving down the highway listening to some Elton John. Stan thought the music was queer and attempted to chew through the wires to the CD player, but instead ruined the brakes. The car did a super flip in midair after it hit a rock, and both dudes were sprawled out on the road. An oversize load semi ran them both over. Hillary came speeding down the road on her cell phone with her eyes closed. She barreled over the cliff with Sandy. Panda, Mimi and family were driving along this same hell highway. Mimi's little brothers were doing some crazy stuff in the back seat and created a tiny rip in the very fabric of the universe. They and their car were sent into a crazy alternate universe where Panda is really interesting and everyone wants to date him. He and his family were smothered by fans.
Curtis, completely drunk and driving like a maniac, stopped on a dime when he reached the funeral place. Dexter, who wasn't wearing a seat belt, was shot at the windshield at about 70 miles per hour. Sadly to say, Curtis will be needing to scrape him off later. Goldie pulled up with Howdy in the car, but forgot him there. Howdy turned into sizzly bacon.
Everyone took their seats. Through rumors, it was spread around that Bijou and Maria both died from those mysterious diseases. Curtis drank some more Jรคgermeister, trying hard not to remember any of this when he got home. He offered some to Zack, who declined. Kylie and June were supposed to be the acolytes and both carried their hamsters on their shoulders. Penelope went all ADHD on them and ran up to the flame her owner was carrying, lighting herself and her human on fire. Kylie rubbed up against June, and they were one big happy flameball.
As the service began, everything seemed to be going normal until five minutes into it. Goldie's spleen exploded. Curtis drank so much that he passed out. Zack was like "oh darn." Down below in the basement, Boss and Maxwell were checking out all the awesome casseroles. Boss got bored and began to chew on the supports. Suddenly, they gave way and the entire church collapsed on them. There were no survivors.
And to think ... all of that would have never happened if Laura would have just planted that damn laptop tree.
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oh my god you guyssss