The Yellow Brick Road
Crack fairy tale with Orihime in the land of Oz
Disclaimer: I still don't own Bleach, and I probably never will.
The room was spinning, spinning….
Orihime looked around. She was lying on her bed in the middle of the rubble that used to be her house. A tornado? It sure looked like it. She got up and walked through the debris, stunned. As she surveyed her surroundings, she realized that she was no longer in Kurakara Town. She, and the remains of her house, were now in Soul Society, somewhere in one of the districts of Rukongai. The tornado must have carried her house to this strange and wondrous land!
She turned to her friend and said, "Oh, I know what this is! I read a story like this once. We must be in Oz. And you must be my loyal dog, Toto."
Her friend went into hysterics. "I'm not a dog! My name is Ishida Uryu, and even though you don't realize it, I'm a man, with human feelings and desires…"
The Quincy popped out of existence. In his place stood Sajin Komamura, captain of the Seventh Division.
"Hi!" Orihime said. "I'm looking for a loyal dog. Would you be willing to go along with it?"
The captain gave it some thought, then finally said, "I guess so. Loyalty is my thing."
Suddenly a bright light appeared above the ruins of the house. Nel, the blue-haired former Espada, appeared in her full adult body, sprouting a pair of fairy wings.
"Welcome to magical land of Oz!" she said.
"I already figured that part out", Orihime replied.
"OK, fair enough. Just follow that road." She pointed to the yellow brick road that led to Seireitei. "There's a tin man and I think a lion and some other stuff. It should pretty much follow the story. Anyway, just ask the Wizard of Oz for your ruby hairclips and you can return home."
"Why don't you come with us?"
Nel said, "I don't know. It's weird. I seem to disappear a lot. I think I'm just an over-powered character, and if I tagged along everywhere, we'd win every fight and it'd ruin the suspense."
With that, Nel disappeared.
Orihime collected her thoughts. "OK, Toto. I guess we just walk down this road and see what happens."
So they walked along the yellow brick road as it wound through the land of Oz, and they came across a man wearing the lieutenant's uniform of the Ninth Division.
"Hey, I'm Shuhei", he said, "I haven't seen you around here before. What's your name, honey?"
"I'm Orihime. I'm an innocent girl who is looking for the Wizard of Oz."
"Innocent, huh? We can do something about that", he said, leering.
"I'm just an innocent girl of fifteen."
"Fifteen? So that's like, 120 or something?"
"Fifteen human years."
"Whoa! I'm just talking here", he said, backing away, hands in the air. "No harm, no foul! Aging just happens different in Soul Society."
"Well, I was dropped here by a tornado, and now I need to find the Wizard of Oz. What's your story?" Orihime asked. "Are you missing a brain, or courage, or a heart? Because the Wizard can help you."
"Well, I'm smart, and I have a good heart, and I was trained to use violence as a last resort, because I want to help people, not hurt them. I believe in following the path of least violence."
"Oh. So, a coward, huh?"
"No! It's a philosophical thing. But everyone who fights should be afraid of his weapon. That's just common sense. If you're not afraid of your sword, you don't deserve one."
Orihime glanced over at Toto. The captain rolled his eyes.
"Gotcha", Orihime said. "So, do you want to accompany us on our journey to find the Wizard?"
"I don't know. I'm really busy as a lieutenant and an acting captain."
"Too busy to fight, I bet", said Toto.
"Look, I don't - oh, you know what, I'll come along, because I believe in protecting people."
So, the three of them walked down the yellow brick road, winding its way through the magical land, and they came upon a large man with bells in his hair, wearing a captain's uniform.
"Oh, hello", said Orihime. "Are you, I don't know, the lion?"
"Oh, I'm an animal, all right", said Kenpachi, grinning at the girl.
"Fifteen", said Shuhei.
"Is that – "
"Human years", said Shuhei.
"Thanks. So, where are you all off to?"
"We're off to see the Wizard. Is there something you need? Brains, or heart?"
"Don't need'em, don't want'em. Hey Toto, wanna fight?" Kenpachi pushed Sajin in the chest. The captain of the Seventh responded by punching Zaraki in the jaw.
"OK, it's on." The captains pulled out their swords and clashed in combat.
Just then the sky went dark. Blocking the sun was a giant snake with a baboon head, racing towards the company.
"Look out", cried Orihime. "A flying monkey!"
Zabimaru landed next to them. "What's up?" he asked Hisagi.
"Fairy tale."
Zabimaru looked over at Sajin. "Big bad wolf?"
"Oz", said Hisagi.
"Oh. Hey, this fight looks good." said Zabimaru, watching the two captains pummel each other. "I call winner."
"WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF?" Orihime shouted. "Come on people, there'a a flying monkey snake thing here. He must be working for the Wicked Witch!"
The two captains lowered their swords.
"Wicked Witch? I bet it's Soi-Fon", said Hisagi.
"Could be Unohana", said Kenpachi.
"I don't know, 'she' could be Byakuya", suggested Komamura.
"Think so?"
"I've gotten a wicked witch vibe from him before."
"I can see that."
Orihime stomped her foot in frustration. "You guys are unbelievable. Here I am trying to get to see the Wizard, and I'm supposed to find a scarecrow, a tin man, and a –"
Kenpachi interrupted. "Whoa! Tin man? That's like a robot?"
"Yes, I guess so."
"OK, that's gotta be that freak from the Twelfth. I am NOT going to follow the yellow brick road if he's on it."
Orihime fumed. "You've got to play along with the story!"
Hisagi snapped. "Listen, girlie, we don't need to do anything", he said, his voice rising. "This is a dream, and we're just characters in your subconscious. Tell me, what did you have for dinner last night?"
"Spicy bean and pepper cabbage."
"No wonder you were spinning. You're tripping on bad kimchi. So don't blame us."
Orihime stood her ground. "Well, if you're just figments of my imagination, you really better do what I tell you."
"Or what?"
"Or I'll erase you from existence."
Zabimaru leaned over to Hisagi and said, "She's right, Shuhei. The girl's got freaky powers over reality as it is. There's no telling what she could do in here."
Hisagi looked at the others for support. They wouldn't make eye contact with him. He backed down.
"OK. Now that's settled. Now let's follow the yellow brick road."
And they went back to following the yellow brick road. As they walked along, Zabimaru said, "so, who do you think the Wizard is going to be?"
Hisagi answered, "I dunno. Orihime, what do you know about the guy?"
"Giant head. Uses illusions."
"Aizen", said the others in unison.
"You know", said Orihime, "maybe we should all sing a song. 'Follow the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road.'"
She turned to look at the others. "I said, 'maybe we should all sing a song.'" She had a dangerous look in her eye.
The others broke into lackluster song. "'Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road.'"