At the end of a day like this all I wanted was Calleigh. I didn't want to go check on Doug, I didn't want to see Horatio or anyone else. Calleigh. Her name rolls off my tongue with such ease. The day's events kept replaying in my mind. Why did I have to be so stupid? I let two perfect times pass me by. The first time we were each sitting on our kits waiting for Frank.
"You doing ok?"
"No not really. I just found out Doug is all alone. He doesn't have a wife, family."
"You know you're not Doug right?"
"Yeah."
"Ok."
"Your friendship means a lot to me Calleigh."
"I didn't know you felt that way."
"Come on. How did you not know that, you read my file?"
"That was an unrelated case. It's important to me to respect your privacy."
There is that long silence when we are looking into each other's eyes. It's like she wants to say something else, but she won't let her guard down. And then Frank walks by. God, why did he have to come then? We were getting really close there. We went back to the case trying to find the red hat that Doug Benson got rid of. Right now, I was concentrating so hard on finding the red hat so that I could finish my conversation with Calleigh when we were done.
The second time that I let slip by me we were waiting on the results from the hat that I found. Calleigh handed me the file.
"About what happened earlier, I didn't mean to put you on the spot."
"Forget it."
"What if I don't want to?"
"Eric I am so confused, what do you want? You are going to have to tell me, because until I actually hear you say the words I don't even know if you believe it yourself. Do you know what I'm saying?"
"Yeah I do."
And there I go again. I let her walk away from me twice today. I don't know how many more chances I'm going to get. I quickly handed Horatio the file that he wanted then I escaped to the locker room.
So here I am, sitting in the locker room still. My shift has long been done, but I can't seem to move from where I am sitting. I can't believe what a day I had. I could've had the woman of my dreams but I let my pride get in the way. The only reason why I wasn't telling her out loud was because she kept putting up her walls so high that I couldn't see over them. I didn't know how she felt. I think I do, but I don't want my heart to be broken. I'd rather her take the first step so at least I know my heart won't get broken. It didn't matter to me who took the first step as long as that first step was made.
After sitting for what felt like hours, I heard the door open. I listened carefully wishing it were a certain someone. The gentle clicks of her heels told me it was exactly who I was looking for. I pretended to be digging around for something in my locker when she walked to hers. Not knowing what I was doing I turned around and faced her. I was having an out of body experience right now; I didn't mean to be doing this right now.
"Calleigh." I didn't wait for her to respond. "I want you. You wanted to here it out loud. All I've ever wanted is you. From the moment I laid eyes on you I knew deep down in my heart we were made for each other. I couldn't imagine my life without you in it."
I was waiting for her to respond with the same feelings I had, but I was wrong. After laying my heart on the line, she left, just the same gentle way that she entered. Not a word was said. She just left. I sunk back onto the bench and let my heart fall shattered on the ground.
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Calleigh is walking out to her car.
Click…Click….Click. Stupid shoes, I think to myself. This annoying silence around me is unbearable. I can't believe what I just heard. I never thought Eric would say it out loud. How does he expect me to react to this? Does he know who he is talking to? I can't handle this right now. I have my walls built so high for a reason.
As I drive home after a tough case like today's and after my conversation with Eric the only thing on my mind is his file. The words have been engrained in my head from the moment I saw them. I should've put his file down I knew it was wrong. If I didn't put his file down though, I wouldn't have seen those words. The words that have been occupying my thoughts ever since that day:
"After I got shot it really put things in perspective. Made me think about my future; settling down. Be nice if it were Calleigh"
Ok. So I have this information, what am I supposed to do with it? I can't just act on it that would be bad. And plus, Stetler put in that new fraternization rule anyways. Ok so if he brings it up again, I'll just use Stetler as an excuse. Phew, confrontation avoided.
Little did I know my car was taking me to the one place I wanted to avoid. I pull into the driveway of a house that doesn't quite look like mine. Wait, I think to myself, why am I here? I can't go in there, he might be home.
I sit in my car debating whether or not I should go see if he is home. I notice that all the lights are still off I think maybe he isn't home. He's probably still at work doing what, I don't know. Or maybe he went out with Ryan. I saw them having an argument today. That's not normally how they act. They probably went out after work to grab a drink to ease the tension. I glance at my clock; it says 11:24. I can't go in, it would just lead to where I don't want it to lead. I would be sending him the wrong signals. But, I think to myself, maybe those are the right signals I should be sending him. After contemplating with myself, I decide to wait a little bit to see if he shows up soon. As I sit in my car, I look back at the last seven years we've shared together. Some memories are perfect while others rip at my heartstrings.
We were best friends from the moment we met. We shared so much with each other. He knew what I liked and wanted; I knew what he liked and wanted. We seriously could've sat in a room together in complete silence, and still get each other. We had this unspoken chemistry about us. Every other person could see it. It was like we were made for each other. We hardly ever fought, and if we did, we never stayed mad at one another. Simply put, we got each other. And then he got shot and it changed everything. Everything that was once so innocent now became charged with this new energy and emotion.
After he got shot, all of our longing looks started meaning something more. There was more emotion involved. I could feel him starting to grow closer to me and me to him. And that's when Jake came back. I started dating Jake again, not because he was the one, but because it wasn't new waters for me. I knew what to expect with Jake. With Eric, I never knew if he really felt that way or if it was just because I was there when he needed me. We fought almost a whole year about Jake. That was our first real fight, and it lasted as long as it did. I can't believe I spent a whole year being mad at Eric. Deep down I knew it would never last with Jake, yet I put our friendship at risk over it.
After my stroll down memory lane I realize Eric has a point. We are meant to be together. All those times when I get lost looking into his dark brown eyes have a reason. And, if I look closely, I can see our future together. I can see our wedding on the beach, our 3 kids, everything I've ever wanted. After picturing those dark brown eyes its almost as if I can see and feel my walls breaking down. It's like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I now know what I have to do. I have to talk to Eric. He still isn't home and its 1:05. I make a deal with myself; I'll talk to him first thing in the morning tomorrow. I put the car in reverse and drive away not knowing that Eric was inside the whole time watching me.