Author's ramblings:
Okay, here's the start to my second story. Not exactly the most original idea, but I really had to try my own take on this.
This story is supposed to be rather short, maybe three chapter's of this size.
Of course, if I get an interesting idea for the post 3I world, I'll have no problem expanding it.
Disclaimer: Neither Neon Genesis Evangelion does not belong to me yadda yadda, yadda, all rights stay with the owner yadda, yadda.
And away we go...
Red tinged night sky. Stars
A sea of red.
Sprinkled with ruins of man's civilization, made out of the failure (some might call it success) of human evolution.
A sea of LCL.
In the distance, the giant head of a dead gir, but so much more than a girl.
Two small figures looking out over the devastation.
Close but not together.
Gazing at what remains of their FRIEND! MOTHER? SISTER? DOLL! WONDERGIRL! LILLITH! GOD?
Rei! Ayanami Rei!
He wants to recognize only the part of her that had been his mysterious and delicate friend.
As he arrives at this insight, he can't help but feel sorry again, feel ashamed, like always. Always wrong, always hurting himself and others, always afraid. Afraid, like he was of her.
What if...what if he had accepted Ayanami as his friend again, instead of shunning her? Would she have chosen the same path?
He was so tired, not only tired but also sick of it. All his life a big what if? What if Kaji, Misato, Toji, his father, Rei, mother
No he has made peace with his mother, at least of this he is sure.
He feels closure when he thinks of Yui Ikari.
Of course, he will still miss her, but the overwhelming feeling of loss and pain he always felt, is gone.
His decision was to return, to try to find it in himself to be happy.
Unconsciously his fists are clenching, unclenching, clenching...
Allow himself to be happy? Sounds easy, but for Shinji Ikari it is the hardest thing possible.
Shy he glances at the girl to his left. Asuka.
Asuka, even now, with her body broken and hurt and everything her mind had to endure,
even now as she sits here looking out over this red sea., her knees pulled up to her breast, both arms holding onto her legs, even now there is a gracefulness in her that stuns him.
Pictures flash before his eyes,
Asuka, smiling! With this smile that sends a shiver through his spine and warms his heart whenever he sees it. Her blue eyes so full of life that everything around her seemed to pale in comparison.
Asuka, running in front of him in her school uniform, looking back to him over her shoulder.
"Hurry Baka! We'll be late and it will be your fault."
It's always his fault, but most of the time he doesn't mind
Asuka, leaning forward over the table looking at his homework, while all he can do is stare at the cleavage her loose top is revealing. Finally, she notices where his eyes are glued to. Lightning seems to flash through her eyes. This will hurt.
But why is she always showing her body to him, if she doesn't want him to look?
How could any boy not stare at her beauty?
Asuka, swaying forward and backward on her feet a little, both arms behind her back, her body bend towards him, flashing him the broadest and brightest smile.
For once, she is friendly because she wants something.
Asuka sleeping in his bed her face for once relaxed and peaceful, if not for long. Mami?
Asuka's expression, the moment before she teaches Toji a lesson.
Asuka, cowering behind her door begging, pleading for him to save her, to hold her.
Asuka lying in a bathtub in a broken room, Is there blood in the water?
Her empty expression, the fire in her eyes dead.
Asuka, her face a distorted mask of hatred, covering her left eye with her hand, still defiant, never giving up, reaching, grasping with her right arm, trying to get her enemies through sheer force of will. Suddenly her whole arm splits in the middle, blood splashes.
For a moment, he sees the remains of Unit 2 again. His pupils dilating from horror and shock.
It drove him over the edge, after losing so much, to lose her as well, left him with nothing.
Asuka, her eyes wide open, a shocked expression on her face, as his hands are strangling the life out of her.
Asuka, and again his hands are at her throat. Because he was mad and more than half crazy, because he couldn't really believe, that she was here.
How? How will he ever be able to loose this guilt?
He draws a deep breath and winces, when his ribs react with pain. She really did a number on him.
He loves her, it was never clearer to him than it is now, he loves everything about her, her intellect, spirit, beauty, passion, even her limitless ambition and her high-strung reactions, but he loves her delicacy as well, loves the timid and insecure girl behind all the power she showed the world.
But even now, after they know each other so well, after Instrumentality and being part of the LCL Sea showed them both, their own masks and that of the other.
„No wonder she reacted this way, it's a marvel she even tries to act normal towards me.
If not for me, she'd probably still be the Ace EVA Pilot and if not happy, surely happier than she is know."
Even now, that they can't hide behind their usual lies, because they've seen what is behind them.
Even now, how can they ever bridge the gab between her hatred and cowardize and his own cowardice and hatred?
It looks as if she's lost in thought; her piercingly blue eye doesn't even seem to see what's in front of her.
Shinji's eyes hang hungrily on her face, as if he wants to memorize everything, every line, every contour, every part of her features.
He wishes, that they could be close. He longs for her and more than anything he wants to be there for her.
He dares to wish, that she could be there for him.
It just seems so impossible, when even now the distance between them, is so great.
He sighs and the nails of his clenched fists dig so deep into his palms that they draw blood. He welcomes the pain.
Asuka's wandering eye focuses on the giant head before her,
Is this really Rei? She thinks and catches herself by actually calling her pale, blue haired friend by her given name, in her thoughts.
No, not a friend, but a comrade, both in arms and in life, that much she can accept now.
And so, it doesn't seem fair anymore to still call her doll or Gendo's favourite or Wondergirl or the many, many much meaner names she called Rei inside her mind.
But is this monstrous being, this creature that tortured her during Instrumentality, really Rei? Or is it this Lilith thing, like Shinji claims.
In what he told her of his experiences, that she didn't share, the Entity was much more benevolent than in her own.
Maybe the part that was Rei in this thing had decided to finally get back at her.
Not that she didn't deserve it.
Rei had never done anything, but be loyal and helpful to her, in her own peculiar way, and she had treated her like dirt.
Wait; was this even the same Rei?
She recalls Rei dying.
Not like the news had really reached her back then.
It hurts. Thinking about this still hurts so much, even more than her wounds.
Instrumentality had ripped everything out of her; she had to face herself, without being able to hide anything.
All the weaknesses and shortcomings she hates so much.
And this terrible longing inside her, that led to her flinging herself at Kaji at every opportunity, because he was strong and he had been there for her and if only she could have made him see, that she was right for him everything would be good.
This longing for Shinji, despite his cowardness, despite him beating her at what had been everything in her life. Despite all this and more, how had she longed for his touch, for his warmth and protection.
Because he was nice. Because he cared. Because he had saved... no, in spite of him saving her or maybe both is true.
Somehow, she knew he could be her anchor, could be what she needed.
But he never acted, he never dared.
And she continued to abuse him and berate him, probably all to force him into a corner, so that he would have to stand up to her.
Then he wasn't there, when she needed him the most, he didn't help her, nobody helped her.
And this thing, this piece of dirt raped her, ravaged her mind and destroyed her.
She was broken and nobody picked up the pieces.
Gott, how she hated everybody, all of them and herself most of all.
Only that Instrumentality had forced her to see her part as well.
She wasn't able to open up to Shinji, no matter how much she wanted to. Instead, she had hurt, Hurt, and HURT him.
Until she was just another part of what weakened him.
And still, after Arael he had tried to reach her again, but it was too much pain and it hurt her too much.
So she pushed him away, even though she knew she was damning herself.
Then, when the MP Eva's had attacked, Shinji couldn't act, wouldn't act and she had to fight them alone and even though she fought, better than ever, and even though her mother helped her.
She lost.
They killed her.
Asuka shudders. The pain of failure and dying, the horror of her final moments hasn't been reduced, just because she lives again.
She looks at her right arm, as stretches it, turns it, forms a fist, bends it at the elbow and wiggles her fingers.
She can use it, although it feels a bit stiff.
So far, the pain is manageable, although for some reason, she seems to grow weaker all the time.
Of course, it didn't exactly help that her bruised knuckles on her left hand hurt as well.
But what really stings, is the guilt.
Still, what is a little physical and psychological pain to Asuka Langley Sohryu?
Again, her left hand goes to the patch over her left eye, she forces herself to stop.
It was no use anyway, she is too afraid to check its condition.
She fears her eye is gone, fears for her sight and yes for her beauty as well.
Instead, she lets her hand wander to her brow to check there.
So hot, it seems to burn. In addition, her body really hurts now.
She hears Shinji sigh to her right. A quick glance reveals him standing in the same position he'd stood for the last hour.
But when she looks up to his face, she sees that he watches her with wide open eyes, above his bloody and swollen nose.
His dark blue eyes, always so full of the hurt he feels, unlike herself who never allowed herself a weakness like that.
He stares at her and in his eyes and his face is so much need, that it shakes her to the core.
But still, after all that has happened, he doesn't act, just looks.
She feels the anger well up in her again and has to force herself to calm down. Once was enough.
Now she just feels sad and so tired, yet deep down inside her she can still feel the burning rage.
Why did she have to do this? All she wanted was to hold him, to be in his embrace and instead she'd beaten the crap out of him.
And to think that a few hours ago, it had all seemed so easy...
All she could see was a night sky full of stars, with a strange red taint.
Like fire in the distance?
Her field of vision seemed strange. She couldn't really think, couldn't really feel.
She felt so numb.
In more than one way, she was glad for it. At least there was no pain and she was weary, even thinking taxes her.
Something was wrong, she had trouble breathing and something constricted her throat.
Fingers are around her throat.
She could see two arms, clad in a white shirt.
A familiar face.
A boy with dark blue eyes, in which she could see a glimmer of madness. Shinji, his name is Shinji; she could see Shinji's madness.
Shinji was strangling her.
"Funny, just like he tried in that dream kitchen:"
Asuka felt strangely detached, she couldn't really feel anything.
"Shinji, poor, dear Baka Shinji," she thought:" won't he be so sad to kill me?"
She lifted her bandaged hand, slowly to his face, touching his dark hair, wandering down his face and gently cupping his chin in her hand.
It took almost all her energy,
The pressure lifted and she could breathe again. Somehow, her body seemed to belong to her again.
As if, her mind could just now recognize the connection to it again.
She heard sobbing and felt something softly hit her face. Her eye wandered down to see Shinji sit limp on her body, his body being rocked by his sobbing.
"Gott, does the Baka really have to cry again?"
With her acceptance of her body as her own, she began to feel pain in her arm, in her eye again, her body hurts and she felt so nauseous that she thought she might puke…
However, the worst of all was remembering, how she was lost in the LCL sea. None of her usual barriers, to protect her from others, are there. Just like standing naked in front of hundreds of people.
The redhead felt nothing but disgust for all of this, the pain, the Nausea, the crying fool. Despite having her body again, she still felt so dirty, so disgusting.
"Disgusting." Her voice sounded devoid of emotion, but everything else would require such an effort.
The Baka continued crying, his weight on her body, made her feel even sicker.
"Shinji... I feel sick. Get off of me, Baka."
This time her voice sounded a little bit more normal to her.
"Asuka? Y...you…" he was stammering again, but at least he finally did get off of her.
Slowly Asuka pushed herself up, until she was sitting upright, her legs sprawled before her,
Then she got up on her knees and bend forward, retching, but thankfully, nothing more happened.
"At least now I won't have that terrible taste in my mouth." She thought to herself.
Slowly she turned around to look at Shinji. He was still crying. Like he is allways crying.
"Asuka...Asuka…" he pressed out between sobs;" I'm sorry, so sorry... I don… I don't
know why I...why I did this. I thought it... wasn't really you, I don't know..."
Normally she would get angry with him now, the whiny idiot.
Nevertheless, she didn't really have the strength right now to get angry and besides that, he sounded so terrified, Full of horror about what he had almost done,
"Shinji…" she forced a small, tired smile on her lips: "Shinji stop crying. It's okay. That's the least of our problems now, Baka Shinji."
Just a hint of the old Asuka vibrated in her voice.
On her knees, using her left hand to steady herself on the ground, she crawled over to where he had slumped down. She really didn't think she could manage to stand up.
He looked up to her, a trickle of tears still running over his face.
"Shinji."
Her right hand caressed his cheek, her left hand followed and she held his face between her hands. Letting her forehead rest against his
"Shinji, I'm alive... and I'm happy because of it. No more crying, okay? Let's try, not cry anymore." She broke contact and looked in his eyes:" Okay?"
An unsure smile formed on his lips and through tears his beautiful dark eyes looked deep into hers. So deep, that she felt a bit uncomfortable
"Asuka."
There was warmth and love in his voice, his smile got a little broader, and the tears finally ebbed.
Asuka let her hands sink, first to his shoulder then to the middle of his back and she moved forward to hug him.
Slowly he returned the embrace. Asuka let her head rest on his shoulder and gently pressed her cheek against his.
For some time, they just sat there, hugging each other, giving strength to the other just by doing so.
For the moment, they were just two kids, not the two famous EVA pilots, two kids comforting each other after a long and arduous voyage.
"Shinji." Asuka said after some time „I just don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to be sad and angry, but I can't help it most of the time.
I want to be happy. Can't you help me to be happy?"
The Baka just smiled at her and nodded his head, with tears again forming in his eyes.
"You really shouldn't cry all the time Baka. It's unbecoming."
"Bu… but I'm crying because I'm happy right now. Asuka, I thought you were gone forever, I thought I had lost you. That you died because I failed you."
Asuka frowned: "Just… let's just not talk about that. Please!"
Shinji nodded again and they continued to hold each other, for a little while.
Asuka felt better, just because she was able do to that, at least for now.
That she could seek support by another person and accept it, without feeling that it made her weak. A lone tear rolled down her right cheek. If only it could stay that way.
"Stupid. Now I'm crying like Shinji, the wimp." The redhead thought to herself, but there was no malice in it.
The pain in her arm had grown with the constant exertion of the hug and there was a pulsating pain in or behind her bandaged eye. And why did her body hurt so much?
"Shinji, my arm hurts and I feel so weak. I need to rest." She whimpered,
Slowly and carefully, Shinji helped the lithe german girl to settle her head in his lap.
The energy seemed to just drain out of her body. In a matter of minutes, sleep demanded its right.
For the moment, Shinji wasn't tired or if he was, he was too anxious to find sleep.
He studied Asuka's sleeping features intently.
Their experience certainly had left its mark on her.
She was paler than usual and sweat glistened on her forehead. All in all her face seemed a little gaunt and there was an aura of weariness around her, both mentally and physically.
Shinji could certainly relate all that had happened had addled his mind as well.
When he thought about Asuka's wounds, he felt a terrible sting of guilt.
No matter what, if he had gotten his act together a little earlier and fought at Asuka's side, they might have...
It didn't make sense to beat himself about it, especially since Asuka seemed to be able to let it pass for now.
Maybe they really could manage to look forward, not dwell on the past.
Just then, Asuka began to stir in her sleep, mumbling incomprehensible words, while her brow creased.
Gently he ran his right hand through her golden red hair before he started to caress her left cheek with two fingers. This seemed to calm her down.
Still, they couldn't linger here on the beach much longer; they needed to find shelter and provisions.
Before that, he felt they needed to do something else.
Therefore, while he certainly didn't want to, he carefully woke the german girl after what he thought were two hours.
Sitting up, she gave him a patented Asuka stare.
"What'cha wakin' me for, Baka. I'm wounded, I need my sleep."
"Well, it's just... we really can't stay here much longer. We don't know when or if anybody else will return and while we wait for it, we need food, drinking water and a shelter."
He looked at the beautiful face of unit 02's pilot, she seemed even paler now than before and he saw her lips twitch, probably because she was in pain.
"And we really need to have a look at your wounds; perhaps some antibiotics and something like a healing ointment would probably be good as well. Of course we need bandages to change the dressings..."
He paused, afraid of what might come, but decided to continue anyway:
"B...but before that, I really think we should, you know talk a little bit about what happened. I mean with us and the rest, you know?"
He stopped himself before he began to stammer.
Asuka looked to the ground for a moment; he heard something like a sigh.
Then she forced herself on her feet and stood up.
She turned away from him and wrapped her arms around her body.
"I'd rather nod. I don't believe we would like the results of that conversation."
The boy stood up as well, considering wether should follow her.
"But don't we, I think... what I, what we saw in there, didn't it change everything for you? Shouldn't we talk about it, to understand it?"
Slowly she walked a few meters away from him. When she spoke again, there was resignation in her voice.
"Shinji, it feels so good right now, so peaceful. Do you really want to open this can of worms?
"I just think it might help, to talk about what happened."
"You want to talk about what happened? About what specifically? How about the time you masturbated over my lifeless body?
She spun around, to face him again, her eyes glaring at him.
"Asuka, I... What I did... I'm…" Why did she start with this now? It shouldn't be about this.
A red, angry mist seemed to form before her eyes, making her forget all pain.
Oh no, he wasn't allowed to speak, oh no.
She walked towards him, each slow menacing step accompanied by another accusation.
"How about when you couldn't even hold me when I kissed you?"
"That was... I didn't think, didn't know you wanted."
"As if I ever wanted to be hold by the likes of you, you wimpy, whiny, coward of a pervert
Well Shinji, how about when you didn't come to my help when the Angel, dieser dreckige Hurensohn attacked me? When he broke me?"
"I couldn't... he wouldn't.. I.""
"Or how you did nothing while I was tearing myself apart, one door away from you?
How about when you didn't search for me, when I left?
Huh, Shinji, let's talk about that."
She stood before him now, only centimetres away, like a sick parody of what they'd shared just a short time ago.
She was breathing heavily, her eyes only slits in a face red from anger.
"Wanna talk about, how instead of talking to me, trying to reach me, when I lay there, like a friend would have, you only whined and begged for me to help you. Me! HELP! YOU!
I NEEDED HELP! I DID, NOT YOU! Du mieses, feiges Arschloch! Du Drecksau! Du Perverser!"
Her arm seemed to rise by itself.
She hit him in the face, with all the power she could muster.
He went to the ground instantly, but It still wasn't nearly enough, to quell her anger.
She started to kick his body.
One kick. One sentence.
"Or when you left me out there to be killed, ripped apart while I was still alive!
You let them take my mommy away from me again, and now I will never meet her again. Never!
And when we were trapped in this disgusting prison, you strangled me!
Just because you didn't like what I told you!
You even tried to kill me again, when I awoke here."
Shinji lay on the ground, a trickle of blood coming out of his broken nose and from the corner of his mouth.
His body was cringing from the pain. Every few seconds he gasped for air, accompanied by a tiny whimper.
She felt instantly sorry for what she'd done, reaching out to console him.
No. No, no, no, no. NO. He deserved it, he probably deserved even more. She let her hands fall to her sides again.
"And what about you? What did you ever do but drive him away, make him feel weak and like a failure? You never gave him a chance to help."
"No!": she told the other, the weak Asuka: "I did. I did as much as I could. I tried to show him."
"Not even a shrink would have understood your actions, how was he supposed to?"
"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up, Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up, Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up, Shut up..."
All energy left her; she dropped to her knees beside him and started to cry.
Except for the noise of the waves hitting the shore, nothing was heard in this world, but the crying girl and the sobbing boy.
When Asuka managed to regain her composure, she helped Shinji off the ground, carefully avoiding his eyes.
Then she hastily walked a few meters towards the sea, before she set down again, staring intently out over the liquid.
Better not to look at him again.
A few minutes later, he walked up to her and stopped about two meters away.
He wanted to be close to her, but her fit made him remember all the things he was guilty of again.
"Shinji, will you sit down? You're making me nervous!"
"Bu… but I thought you wouldn't want me to. You were so angry with me."
"No, I want you do sit down. I have some things to say to you and I don't want to get a stiff neck from looking up at you. Besides it's supposed to be the other way around, Baka!"
"Huh? Other way around?"
"Yes, you are supposed to look up to me, Baka Shinji."
She gestured for him to sit at her left side.
"You can come closer; I'm not going to attack you again."
He moved himself closer to her until they sat shoulder to shoulder and he almost jumped, when she took his hand in hers and rested her head against his shoulder.
She tried to speak but she had to stop herself several times, searching for the right words.
.
"Shinji I'm... I'm so sorry! I didn't want to hurt you, I just couldn't stop myself. Whenever I look at you, I see all that's happened to me.
A...and being trapped in this soup out there didn't exactly help me with that. I wanted out so badly.
I could feel all this people. There was no escape.
The things we saw and did, that's one thing, but feeling like millions of people were watching it while it happened, that was the worst.
Most of the time it felt as bad as what the angel did to me."
Shinji couldn't really answer, his guilt held the words in his throat.
"Aren't you going to say something? Like get lost, red demon?"
Shinji chuckled.
"Like Kensuke and Toji? You know, I really miss them since they were evacuated."
He sighed: "And now? I keep asking myself all the time wether they'll come back.
And all the others Misato, Hikari, Maya and the rest of the bridge crew ... What have I done?
It's just..., when I saw...when I saw what had happened to you, I couldn't go on anymore.
You were all I had left, with you gone; I wanted it all to end?"
"For me? He wanted the world to end because I was gone? I thought he just wanted to use me as a crutch. But this? Doesn't this mean he really cares for me?"
Of course, part of her dismissed this instantly, but another part, the one that had wanted to kiss Shinji, that wanted to be close to him, couldn't be silenced.
Coming to a decision, she wrapped his right arm around her, inching even closer.
She winced again; the pain seemed to get stronger all the time. It felt like long, hot needles now, which were piercing her belly.
Doesn't matter, nothing she couldn't master.
They sat there quietly, both of them wrestling with their feelings. Shinji's arm around Asuka's shoulder, content that at least for now; there was no anger between them.
Then Asuka let out a sharp breath, trying to suppress the pain.
"Shinji-Kun?"
"Yes?"
"Could you hold me one Mo... one Moment?" She gasped as the pain became unbearable.
Her slim body was shaking and writhing in pain.
"Asuka, Asuka, what's wrong?"
"Shinji, it hurts so much. I can't stand it any more. I..."
She cried out aloud and doubled over, her hands clutching her stomach.
A terrible cough rocked her body, interrupted by short, unarticulated cries of pain.
Finally, she coughed up a big glob of dark, clotted blood and fell on her side.
She was breathing heavily, still clutching her body, still whimpering in pain.
"Asuka. No. Please no! What's wrong with you?"
Shinji couldn't keep the panic out of his voice.
He pulled her convulsing form to him, so that her back rested against his chest.
She was still shaking and moaning, her bright eyes locking into his full of fear and pain.
"Shinji... help...me." The words spit out, whenever the pain allowed it.
Suddenly her body arched back against him and she let out a long, suppressed cry.
Then she went limb in his arms.
A.N. So there you have. I'm not that satisfied with that chapter, it was hard, wrestling with both the character work and trying to find my own way, to tell that story.
I know Shinji didn't see Asuka's death and some of the other stuff, let's pretend he saw it during his tenure in the LCL sea.
I want to update this soon, but I want it to be my own, not just a lesser copy of better works.
Hopefully so far I've been at least partially successful.