Author's note: I'm glad I wrote this. It has cured my writer's block. Reviews will be appreciated. :)

Chapter One: Rejection Hurts

Eren stood a few blocks away from Lance Corporal Rivaille's apartment. After ten minutes of deliberation, he had finally decided to confess his feelings for the corporal.

"Love is the poisoned bullet from Cupid's assault rifle! Bury it into a monster's flesh and it will destroy it from the inside! Love, alone, can drive the Titans to extinction!"

Eren looked behind him. Pastor Nick was doing his rounds again. Everyday, he would tirelessly walk around town reading phrases from his groundbreaking bestseller, "Love Hurts - How To Use Love As A Weapon Against Titans and Other Monsters." The book was a staple in every household and every individual within the walls had their own personal copy. It was that influential. In fact, the message of the book was so revolutionary that the king ordered the military to use it as a guidebook for their operations.

The same book was what drove Eren to profess his feelings to Rivaille. As a sign of gratitude, Eren dropped a bill in Pastor Nick's donation box and confidently walked to Corporal Rivaille's home. Behind him, he heard the Pastor shout.

"Young man! Today, love will eat you alive!"

Eren was not sure what that meant but it sure as hell gave him the creeps.

"What are you doing here, Jaeger?" Rivaille interrogated, sitting on a black velvet couch like a badass mafia boss.

He did not look pleased. Then again, Eren has never ever seen the corporal look pleased. Ever.

"Heichou. I am here to..." Eren hesitated but then drew courage from the ever-flowing Fountain of Anger within his soul. "... I'm here to confess something."

"Damn it, Jaeger. What did I tell you about giving Hanji a Conspiracy Today magazi-"

"SIR, I THINK YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME." Eren stated in the same loud voice he uses when giving angry speeches. "There I said it."

Rivaille looked at him with narrowed eyes, mouth agape. An awkard silence hung in the air until Eren could not take it anymore.

"Um, Heichou? Isn't this the part where you're supposed to do naughty things to me?"

Rivaille remained unmoving.

"Heichou?"

"Eren Jaeger, do me a favor and go home. Now."

The green-eyed boy was taken aback.

"... W-why?" he sputtered. It was the only word he could manage to let out after the shock.

"Oh, I don't know. 'Cause home is where the heart is? I think that mainstream book stated that clearly." Rivaille deadpanned.

"Seriously, Jaeger. Go home."

"I-is that a no?"

"Yes."

"Huh?"

"No. It's a no."

"Huh. Wow, I didn't see that coming. For some reason it makes me angry. Very... very angry."

"Cool. The Chapel of Love Hurts is a twenty-minute walk away from here. You should avail of their 'Free Exorcism On Friday Nights' promo."

And then Eren's anger bubble burst.

"FUCK YOU, HEICHOU."

"Nah, I'll pass."

Moments after Eren Jeager walked out of the room, Rivaille took out his Limited Edition Hello Kitty Camouflage Print stationery set.

"Now that that brat is out of the way, it's time for me to make a move on her." he said, chuckling to himself.

He began writing what could only be described as a heartfelt letter for a very special someone. This was what he wrote:

To Miss Ackerman,

Come to my apartment. I have Eren.

With love,

Lance Corporal Rivaille

When he had finished, he took out his pet eagle from a cage and tied the letter to its leg. He opened the windows Disney princess style and let his pet eagle fly out into the sunset.

"Go, Phoenix. Let my feelings reach her."

Meanwhile, Eren was making his way to the Chapel of Love Hurts to get exorcised for free. The way Rivaille rejected him stung but he did not lose hope. After overthinking about it, he realized that the corporal was probably just worried about him and his anger issues.

"I see. So that's why he wanted me to go home and get exorcised. Yeah, that's probably it." Eren said to himself, his heart fluttering with happiness. Armed with this newly-formed baseless conclusion, Eren began skipping, thinking of ways how he could make Senpa- ahem - Heichou fall for him.

And then it happened. A female titan ate him.

"Welcome to my palace, Ackerman. Mi casa es su casa." Rivaille was casually sitting on the black velvet sofa which was as smooth as his voice.

"Where's Eren?" a breathless Mikasa demanded as she frantically scanned the entire room. Rivaille ignored her question and proceeded to make his move.

"Please have a seat and help yourself to some iced tea and cookies. I made sure they're not spiked so you have nothing to worr-"

"Ereeeen! EREEEEEEN! EREN, SHOW YOURSELF!" Mikasa had started ransacking the corporal's home like a thief with a search warrant. Rivaille pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. Eren, Eren, Eren. Always with the Eren-ing, this bitch. She should be thankful she's hot.

"Seriously, Ackerman? Calm the fuck do- DO NOT OPEN THAT!"

The berserk girl yanked out a drawer. It flew into the air and hit the wall. A pink DS and Ace Attorney game cards scattered on the velvet carpet.

"Eren, are you in there?! Say 'yes' if you are and 'no' if you're not!"

"Ackerman."

"Eren...?"

"Oi, Muscle Woman."

"E-R-E-N"

"Mikasa, Eren's not here."

At those words, Mikasa stopped dismantling a wooden table and stood up. A look of confusion and longing on her face.

"I... I don't understand. You said..."

"Look. I lied, okay? There's something I've been wanting to tell you though so please get your shit together and hear me out."

All strength left Mikasa. Her limp hand dropped the wooden table's leg on the floor. Eren was somewhere else. Who knows what monster is killing him right now?

"Permission to speak freely, sir?" she asked, looking the corporal in the eyes. Rivaille raised an eyebrow but decided to play along.

"Permission granted."

"FUCK YOU, HEICHOU."

Rivaille whistled but then frowned when he saw the girl of his dreams heading for the door.

"Leaving so soon? Fine, have it your way." said the corporal with his usual bravado. "Why do you insist on being that little shit's chaperone, anyway?"

"You're one to talk."

"I asked you a question, Ackerman. I want answers."

"Eren... Eren is.. the answer." And with that, she exited the room. The door closed with a loud bang.

Rivaille laid sprawled out on the couch. He wasn 't used to being treated like dirt by a girl.

"Women are so complicated." he muttered. When he realized how cliched that phrase was, he consumed the untouched cookies and iced tea until he was so drunk he forgot he ever said it.

In the secret arcade underground the Chapel of Love Hurts , Pastor Nick was laughing manically as he wrote the sequel to his bestseller.

"I can't believe it!" he guffawed. "It was true what they said! If you can't beat 'em, milk 'em dry!"