This is my first fanfiction EVER! So…sorry if it sucks but it if doesn't could you leave me some nice feedback? Thanks.
P.S. This was done with this headcanon in mind » it's from fuckyeahtahorra on tumblr /post/23448371430
And you should put cough syrup by the young giants on for this.
The water never before looked so twisted and tormenting. It never looks as if it was mocking him with it's beauty. It's cold shimmering in the moonlight beauty. Each lap of the wave felt like a stab in the heart and each swish of the ocean whispered snake songs to his ears.
He had lost his bending. It was stolen in a fleeting moment, a simple blink. Gone. Forever. He couldn't feel the water beyond standing in it. He was just like every other non-bender in the big wide world. He was just a person and the water was just a substance. It wasn't a part of him. It wasn't his arms or legs or anything but pure water. Molecules and atoms combines to make a cool substance that he could now only touch but never mold or move again. And when he felt it he just wanted to disappear. On his worst days he thought about just permanently disappearing. Suicide was never a solution he knew that. But on those bright full moon days, these days where he can't see past his never ending tears, he could only see the peace of death.
After he had left Korra at the police station was when he started the list. It really didn't start off as a list but after the 4th bottle of Southern Water Tribe Morning Star whiskey he was more than open to the idea. He was a failure, he couldn't beat or stop Amon from taking his bending away, perhaps in this he would be a winner again. Death by alcohol poisoning. He drank as much as he could and then he drank some more. He ignored the whispers around him. He ignored the looks he knew were glued to his quickly crumbling image. He ignored even the small part of himself that asked the question if this was the right thing to do. Especially that part. He wasn't a coward doing this, he was escaping the only way he knew how to. Somewhere in between the banging in his head, the liquor that had become his own personal brand of poison, and the looks of pity he couldn't stand he lost conscience. When he woke up he was in the cold stuck behind a dumpster, thrown out like the garage he saw himself as now. He was dirty and the smell of his own mess was a rich sour purified smell.
From there on the list was officially made. He tried so hard each time to make something that would work, something that would just save his from the torment of being alone with this emptiness inside. But each time he tried he failed.
Death by gas poisoning. His landlord had came into the room and turned off the stove's gas which was slowly killing him. All he would have had to do was light the match right before he passed out.
Death by dehydration and starving. It took weeks and a constant push to not give in into the hunger pains that wracked his body. He had to wave away dizzy spells and fight against migraines which left him in a ball on the floor unable to do more than cry out in silent choked out wails. Three weeks into it and he felt as if he was finally going to beat death's blockade against his death. He was thin, his hair had started falling out, the bags under his eyes rivaled that of a raccoon and he looked as if death had already caught him. It felt as if he was climbing a mountain just walking from the kitchen to the door. Opening a door was the same as moving a mountain. He had just wanted to open the door to get some air into the room, trying to open a window was above his level of strength, instead he collapsed like a weak pathetic heap of bones losing conscience again. When he woke up he was in the hospital hooked up to machines and feeling better.
Death by hanging. Bed sheets from hospitals made horrible knots and ropes. Nurses took their jobs too seriously and checked on you too much. Waiting for the rope to finally cut off the suffering you were going through, to finally release you from the torment of reality, to just help you out took too long.
Death by suffocation. It seemed so much easier when someone did it to you and you weren't already on a suicide watch in the hospital. Just when you were getting closer and closer to the darkness healers would yank your soul right back.
Death by jumping from heights. Someone always thought they were doing you some favor in dragging you back from the ledge. Someone always messed up your perfect plans.
Death by car collision. As the lights grow brighter and you think finally this is it this is finally were I'm going to make it someone stops inches from you. Brakes made it harder for someone to just hit you and end it all.
Tonight though, Tahno was finally going to succeed. He was finally going to be a winner no longer a loser. The rocks he had piled into his coat and pants' pockets were heavy and strong. They would be sure to yank him down into the abyss where perhaps his pains could be buried into the very water he could no longer use. And to be sure that this wasn't a failure he brought out his plan B. The silver blade glinted in the fading lamplight as he slashed across and down his wrist. The pain was sharp, jagged, and relaxing in its end. He felt the blood slid down his wrist into his hands and if he wished to, he knew he could perhaps lean down and cup them together and watch as the blood made a dark reflection. He didn't have time for that though, he just wanted to be free. To stop this all. If he failed at this he- He wouldn't fail this time.
As the full moon shined it's rays over the ocean Tahno looked up and smiled one last pained grin to Yue. It would be the last smile he gave to the world. He walked out into the water, taking calm measured steps keeping his eyes on the moon. In death perhaps he could be connected one last time to his element. By the time his head was half way into the water, all he needed was to take one more step and to let gravity yank him down below. He was weak from the blood lost. His life was finally going. He begged Yue to answer his prays with one last gaze before he stepped one last time and started to fall into the depths.
He saw white. Blue and white dancing around in the water he was sure was his grave. Hair spiraling around sky blue bright eyes that looked at him with concern. A kind loving touch that held his face close to this water maiden. More white. His fingers felt numb. He wanted to touch her. She was crying as she held him, shaking her head back and forth. He wanted to calm the water maiden down. She looked so torn for him. Even in this grave he saw tears. Was this Yue? No. The moon goddess had hair white as the moon, but this maiden had dark brown. But there was the white again. "Stop crying…I wished for this."
Blinding sun tore into his vision as he opened his eyes. Tahno looked around seeing himself in a bed of soft cotton and a room of the palest cream with sakura blossoms designs all around. Was this heaven? Did he deserve heaven? Was this the moon goddess's way of apologizing for his torment?
The opening of a door tore him away from his musing as he whipped his head towards the noise. Korra was slipping through with battered clothing that had seen better days. She closed it and just stood there against the door, eyes closed and head leaning back. She didn't realize yet that Tahno was up. And as she was obvious to him, he gazed at her with shock and pain. He really looked at her and realized she was the water maiden. He didn't need her to open her eyes and stare at him for him to remember her sky baby blue beams. And that's when he understood that he had failed. Again.
"No, not again. NO!" he shouted not caring that he would alert her to his presence. He grabbed at his head yanking at his lack luster locks trying to contain the hurt, the pain, the disgust he had with himself. "I can't do anything right, I can't-"
"TAHNO!" Korra shouted in surprise running to his bed and falling to her knees. She wanted to touch him. To make sure he was okay. To erase the horror she had found last night. She kept closing her eyes and seeing his dying face…his bleeding wrist moving towards her…his already dead eyes gazing through her. She shook her head and looked to him. He was just shaking his head as tears came down his face. To hell with it she though before rising up and pushing him over in the bed. The fact that he just ;et her manhandle him was a testament to how bad he was broken. The Tahno she knew, even though she barely knew him would have pushed her back. He would have made some wise crack sexual joke about her just dying to get into bed with him. Instead he just moved to someone's will. She wrapped him in her arms and as if she had hurt him, he cried even harder rocking back and forth.
"It's gonna be alright, Tahno", Korra whispered as she ran her free hand through the man's hair. She never considered herself good at cheering people up, but she couldn't just sit and do nothing while her old rival was hopelessly crying in front of her. He wasn't her rival anymore. He wasn't a cheater. He wasn't a jerk full of himself. He was just Tahno.
She had seen his name and face in the papers for the last two months. She had felt horrible each time she heard about him. These days they treated him like garbage. They never gave him the love they formerly would shower upon him. She had told Tenzin she would go and see is she could talk to him but between Amon, Mako and Asami, and just regular teenage life she had forgotten about Tahno. It seemed as if the whole world was forgetting about Tahno these days. But she was the damn Avatar, she of anyone else in the whole world at least had to show him some care. Some anything. If they left Tahno alone now she didn't doubt that the next time she saw him would be in a six foot grave.
Tahno sneezed reminding Korra she had to do things first before she helped him. She got out of the bed and walked to the table across the room picking up some medicine. He was lucky she was the one who had found him. Katara was her teacher and even with her healing skills she nearly lost him along the way to the temple. It took a near miracle or working around the clock and pouring nearly all of her abilities and then some to make sure he lived. The only thing she couldn't fix though was the fever and flu he seemed to have caught.
Korra came back to the bed and gazed into Tahno's broken ice eyes. She poured the amount the physician had told her to give him every 6 hours and brought it to his lips.
"I don't want it, just let me die? You can die from a sickness right? Maybe since I didn't plan it it'll actually work." He whispered to her.
Korra cringed at his beaten response, "I'm not letting you die on me,"
"Then let me out of here and I'll die alone,"
"I didn't mean it that way. You're not dying at all. Not if I can do anything about it. Did you already forget what I told you? I'm going to beat Amon. I'm going to beat him and I'm going to get your bending back."
"And what if you can't uh-vatar?" he shot back at her declaration.
Korra forced herself to not show the fear she had inside, it wouldn't help him. "Then I guess you'll have to show me the way to live without my bending then huh? You'll be the teacher and I'll be your student."
Tahno snorted at her but opened his mouth for the medicine. For a week it went like that. Korra would come into his room sometimes tired, sometimes bleeding, sometimes with tears still running down her face and she would give him his medicine. He would argue with her about death and she would argue with him about life. He was afraid of her seeing his pain and she was afraid of him seeing her chaos. She was losing her mind to the war that was brewing outside his walls but she felt a certain disastrous calm bantering with him. It wasn't the type she was used to but she would take anything. As long as she knew he was alive.
As soon as he could walk around she was glued to his side. More like his bedside. He didn't want to walk around, he didn't want to see the looks of pity he knew would be outside the walls of his room. He just wanted to wallow away. Korra forced him to eat every meal she brought. She forced him to argue with her on something. Be over life or death. Be it on Amon or non benders. Anything she could actually get him to argue about she tried. His arguing with her was proof he wasn't dead yet inside, that something still lived.
When nightmares of bloodied hands reaching to her, of dead jagged moon touched eyes gazing at her as if she was an angel, or the fear that he was dead came to her in the night she walked the house. She walked aimlessly she would swear but she always found herself right outside his door listening to be sure he lived. And when his own nightmares came to him she was already there wrapping arms around him humming a long forgotten tune she thought her mother would sing her.
"I can't no more!" he would sob. And Tahno would grab onto her like a drowning man while Korra bit her lips until blood poured and she would swallow it down because she had to be strong for him. And she would swallow every drop of blood that spilled for him as he sobbed into her chest. She would bend every drop of tears that came to her eyes away from her so that he wouldn't see her feelings for him.
In these moments of nightmares and pain they grew closer. Tahno would sob his terror, his feelings of inadequacy, and his broken past to Korra while she soaked in each word and whisper and tear as if she was his dream catcher. And in the morning they would act as if nothing was wrong and Korra would leave to go try to save the world taking his pain as a armor and a force to push her harder.
Blinding sun tore into his vision as he opened his eyes. Tahno was now used to this already. Living at a place for two months made one to accustomed to certain things, like Korra always being there the moment he opened his eyes. However this morning he awoke to the paper by his bed. It was crumpled, knowing Korra he knew it was done in anger. He picked it up when he looked closer and realized it was his face staring back at him. He regretted it two minutes later when he read it. They were mocking him wondering if he was dead. Wondering if he had finally taken his pitiful existence and left them alone. He was upset so much he got out of bed and walked to the door. He paused before opening it and when he did he only grew curious to the shouts he heard down the hall. Following the noise he stopped right before going in and backup against the wall to listen.
"What's wrong with you Korra?!" A male voice shouted, it sounded like that brat Mako to Tahno but he couldn't be sure.
"What are you talking about Mako?" Korra asked confused.
"You! You're wasting your time with him! You just come out to deal with Amon and his followers and then you leave us. You're spending all your time with him. I could get if it was because you pity-"
"I don't pity him! I had to take care of him!" She interjected.
"WHY?! So you nursed him to health great. But this? It's been two months kick him out."
Fire suddenly shot out of the doorway from the room and Tanho pushed his body against the wall more. "This is more so my house then it's yours Mako. If I want Tahno here and Tenzin allows it then he'll stay," Korra shouted back.
"You act like you like him. He's an asshole. He cheated! He tried to knock you out! Did you forget about that?" Mako shouted right back slamming something.
"And your point?! You're not my father or my boyfriend, I can hang around any guy I want."
"What good is he anyway? He can't even bend anymore, he's useless to us or anyone. Maybe he's doing us a favor and we should let him disappear."
More fire shot out of the doorway and this time Tahno heard a crash of a fight. He itched to go and see if Korra needed help, it was the least he could do. She was fighting with her friends for him.
"He's useless? Because he doesn't have his bending? What if I didn't have my bending?! Would I be useless to you too?" she shouted.
"No," there was shifting a bit "You wouldn't be useless at all I mean…"
"Really Mako? What if I wasn't the Avatar? What if I didn't bend at all? What if I was just a girl? Would you even be my friend right now? You weren't going to give me the time of day until you realized who I was. I was nothing to you,"
"No, I didn't-" Mako tried to interrupt her.
"Shut the spirits up Mako. If I lose to Amon I'll lose all my bending. Not just one but everything. I'll be useless too. Tahno isn't my enemy. He's…he's a friend. And you know why I spend so much time with him? Because I love talking to him, even if it's arguments. You have no right to control me. Or try to. Now get out of my face." She finished in a near whisper.
"Korra, I didn't-I just want you to be okay." Mako replied sounding pained.
"Go to your girlfriend Mako."
When he was sure that Mako was gone Tahno came into the room and gazed at her. She looked horrible, she looked worn, she looked like someone who tried so much for the world. Once she lifted her head up and looked to him he saw her eyes again. Those eyes he thought were angel's eyes. Those eyes that now that he really thought about it were angel eyes. He looked into her eyes and saw every night she came to hold him. He saw each time she catered to him. How she just tried to make sure he was alright. How she tried so hard for him and all he did was cry and wallow in pity for himself. He was acting pathetic.
"I'm pathetic…I keep waiting for the cough syrup to go down, for it to fix everything. But nothing is going to fix this huh?" he muttered as he looked at her.
"You're not pathetic, Mako is just an ass. I-I think with everything that's happened in your life you're brave for making it this far…" she said coming up to him and wrapping her arms around him in a hug. He froze for a second before returning it to her.
"I need to do something…I want to fight." He said into her hair.
"Why? You don't have to do anything Tahno."
"You remember our talks? How you said there's a thin line between death and life? Where there's a thin line between anger and grief. I'm sick of crying in the night…I'm sick of my pain. You can't keep fighting for me,"
"Says who? Maybe I like fighting for you?"
"Korra, listen to me. I feel dead just doing nothing. I felt dead when I lost my bending but it feels like a slow death every day. I don't know what to do without it. But maybe there's something I can do…Asami doesn't have bending powers, never has and she's with your crew isn't she?,"
Korra nodded her head against his chest, drawing comfort from the fact that for the first time in a while he was actually sounding alive.
"Then I want to join too."
"What?! What are you talking about?"
"Teach me how to fight or get her to teach me how to fight, but I'm going to help you get Amon. He took my bending, I'll help you take him down."
"You don't have to do this,"
"You didn't have to keep me here and care for me,"
"I told you already I want to."
"Why would you?"
Korra pushed back from his embrace too look him in the eye. She reached up and held his face in her hands as she smiled. "Because I'm looking forward to a rematch one day…so that maybe you'll give up trying to die."
He reached out and held her chin in his grip, "I'll give up dying as long as you're still here. I'll be a fool to leave my personal angel behind wouldn't I?"
Korra smiled a pained grin at him. She swore to herself staring into his shadowed eyes that she would find a way to see this straight…she had to try to restore life the way it should be. It was her job. She had no one to lean on. She was the Avatar. Well..maybe now she did.
She squeezed him closer to her, "Tahno if I failed…if I lost everything and Amon won…would you run away with me?"
Tahno squeezed her back as if he understood something else tragic was going on in her head "I'd run away uh-vatar. I'll follow you Korra."
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