We would like to welcome you to the MBDTA's touring guide. Reveiwers of our other stories will be featured in their favorite parts of Middle Earth, guided by their favorite characters. The General "price" is seven reveiws unless a sale is occuring. Please contacts us via private messege if you would like to inquire.

Enjoy.

Contracts

"Welcome to the MBDTA. How may I help you?" The secretary smiled at me, tapping one foot covered by a . . . glass slipper?

"I have an appointment." I nervously told her.

"Yes of course, but with whom?"

"Uh . . ."

"Let me see your token."

"Token?"

"The business card, pocket change, bit of string, inkless pen – whatever you were given upon making the appointment."

"Oh." I handed her a rather battered nickel.

"Straight ahead, it's the door with the rings on it."

"Thank you."

"Please sign the guest book on your way in – you probably won't come out this way."

I scrawled my name in the rather think and old looking guest book and headed don the hall, wondering what was up and down the stairs that randomly spiraled of on either side and what was in the doors that lined the hall. The bits of remaining wall space were taken up by portraits of what looked like mildewed ears – but maybe they were just really old. The hall seemed to go on forever, past doors with submarines and lions and strange contraptions carved into their panels. I finally reached the door – at the end of the hall of course. It opened easily, revealing a high ceilinged room with walls covered in bookshelves. The only breaks in the shelving were the grate with a nice fire in it – except for the vibrant blue color of the flames – the door, and one wall which held several full sized mirrors that extended twice the height of the tallest person I'd ever seen and were topped by more shelving running across the wall. A small desk stood near the fireplace with a perch behind it. A large cockatoo glared at me.

"Good day, honored guest!" It called out.

"Hello." I replied, not sure what I'd gotten myself into.

"Just moment!" Called a voice from above.

I looked up just in time to avoid being squashed flat by the person falling from the ceiling – I couldn't see the ceiling, but I had to suppose there was one.

The person didn't squash me, and what's more, she landed quite upright.

"Welcome to the Loter Department." She said cheerily as if she hadn't just fallen from the roof.

"Good morning!" The bird yelled.

"Hush Fëanor." The woman admonished it, "I'm Nickel; this is Fëanor – ignore him."

The bird squawked and flew up toward where his mistress had come from.

Nickel watched him go, then turned back to me, "Your token?"

I handed her the nickel.

"Oh!" She exclaimed, "You will be on my personal tour! Just have a seat anywhere." She nimbly climbed up the bookcases and out of sight.

I looked around for a comfy bit of floor to catch up on sleep from the plane trip. I had just curled up behind the desk when a rain of pillows fell from the ceiling, narrowly missing my head.

Within the next hour, a variety of people came into that room. Some climbed the walls like they worked there. Others cautiously chose a pillow, sitting down as if they expected the whole place to suddenly disappear.

"Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen." A little fellow with the hindquarters of a goat and horns in his curly hair came in, "you are all here for the same reason – that being that you are interested in a tour of the ever popular Middle Earth. Now – oh thank you, dear." A box that – by the sound of it – was filled with papers landed next to him, "If you will all sign these waivers and disclaimers . . ."

I took one of the proffered sheets of paper and began to read:

Dear Client,

Thank you for traveling with us at the MBDTA on our tour of Arda A.K.A. Middle Earth. Please sign the following.

I agree to at no point attempt to remain past my allotted tour.

I agree to at no point steal of attempt to steal property of the locals.

I agree to never harass the locals or my tour guide. (Judgment will be left to you tour guide.)

I will stay with the tour guide at all times.

I will not change or attempt to change any plot.

I will not request a refund after signing this waiver.

If I die or are injured during the duration of my tour, the MBDTA is NOT liable.

X ----------------------------------------

Now sign!

As in right there. (It says review, but we mean for you to sign)

This is required for those who "paid" for a tour, so, if we contacted you, please leave a SIGNED review for your tour to commence and to be included.