by Chiba Apey
AN: This story is basically Sailormoon SuperS Movie: The Nine Sailor Soldiers Unite! The Miracle of the Black Dream Hole done the way I think they should've done it. I realize that this is probably the most acidic of all 3 Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon movies, however that is not my reason for choosing to redo this one. Besides, there's just WAY too many points I could've changed in the other two (ie Fiore! Get away from my manslave you perv! Or: For the love of Kami put on a shirt!) but we won't go there. And now, my first all-nighter in awhile: Done MY Way: A Real Miracle
All is quiet in the quiet Scandinavian town as everyone sleeps. But, O! What's this? The melodic sounds of a flute waft through the air, waking the precious children from their slumber and forcing them to walk as zombies. They dance merrily in the streets, following the flute-player as he walks toward his flying ship. The whole time the children are laughing and singing their song of sweets, treats, and travelling on a ship to a magical candy land.
As the flying ship takes off into the night with its new passengers, a small fairy-boy watches, a feeling of terror rising in his gut. "Pupuran," he whispers in his mind, "Fuckin' hell."
************
Ah, watch as we are magically whisked away to the next day in Tokyo's Juuban district! It is nearing three o'clock as the five inner senshi stand gathered at Kino Makoto's along with Chibi-usa, baking delicious treats. *smack* "Ow, kuso!" screamed Usagi as the cookbook came in contact with her hand, "What was that for you chibi bakayaro?! I was only looking to see if they were done!"
Chibi-usa simply stood there haughtily, waving the cookbook with each word. "A likely story, Baka-Usa, but I think I'll trust the cookbook's judgement over yours!"
"Brat," Usagi rubbed her hand and then turned as Makoto came over.
"Ah, they're coming along nicely," said Makoto happily, "But I think we should give them another minute or two." She stood up and turned back to the others as Usagi and Chibi-usa shot raspberries at each other. Minako was stirring her batter mixture with a vengeance and she decided to step in. "Mina-chan! You shouldn't get so stressed out, they're just cookies."
"I know," sighed Minako, slowing her stirring. She paused mid-stir to shove another chocolate chip in her mouth.
"Kami-sama, Mina-chan!" said Rei as she observed her munching, "We practically don't have any chips left! So much for choco-chip cookies, ya fat-ass!"
"Gomen ne," sweatdropped Minako, shoving in another chip, "But I can't help it! They're just so sweet and tasty! *pause* And I am NOT fat!"
"Hey everybody! Check out Ami's hidden talents!" exclaimed Makoto, breaking up yet another fight waiting to happen.
Everyone looked over to observe Ami's doings. She seemed to know a trick for designing sugar cookies. "Hey!" snapped Rei angrily, "This bitch's holding out on us!"
"No! No," said Ami in her defense, fearing the wrath of the fire senshi, "Its not that at all! Y'see, my mom taught me when I was little. She always said `cookies are a good anti-depressant'. I think she's right."
"Sugoi," said everyone uninterestedly. Suddenly, the cuckoo clock sounded three.
"Wow!" said Makoto, running her hand through her hair, "The three o'clock fairy already. How time flies."
"The what?" asked everyone in unison. They all turned to look at Makoto, forcing a blush to rise in her cheeks.
"I...ano...that is..." she stuttered, not knowing what to say.
"I wanna know Mako-CHAN," insisted Chibi-usa impatiently.
"So would I," agreed Diana, who seemed to have magically appeared, along with her parents, out of nowhere causing everyone to recoil in shock.
"Alright already!" said Makoto, holding her hands up in surrender, "Its stupid but...when I was little my mom made me my snacks at three everyday. When I asked why, she explained that it was the three o'clock fairy that told moms to do that. I, being the chibi-baka that I was, thought she meant to bird in the clock."
"Oh," sighed everyone dejectedly. That wasn't interesting at all.
"Well, my mama sucks at making food in the future, too, so I think that's bullshit," snapped Chibi-usa.
"Why you little ingrate!" growled Usagi back, "I give birth to you and this is the thanks that I get! Maybe I should've let Mistress 9 or Rubeus have you! My life would've been much better that way!"
"Baka, if you'd done that the world would've been taken over using my power!" smiled Chibi-usa.
Then Usagi backhanded her and they all laughed merrily. "That'll teach you," she mumbled, then went to the oven and took the cookies out. "AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she laughed maniacally upon seeing the results, "I AM the neo-queen!"
"The fuck-?" everyone sweatdropped, drawing their attention over to her.
"My cookies are perfect and Chibi-bakayaro's are BURNT! Ah haha!" Usagi did an endzone dance around the room, cheering for her own victory.
Chibi-usa, her cheek still burning from the bitchslap, glared daggers at her teenage mother. "So what?!" she exclaimed, trying to hide the wound in her pride, "Its not looks but taste that matters and I KNOW mine taste better!" She shot Usagi a winning smile. "Each cookie gives the consumer a hundred-fold strength and power so NYA!"
"Oh yeah? Well MINE work like Viagra!" replied Usagi, causing everyone to cough uncomfortably. Usagi was always up for a challenge. She took a big bite, eating one of her cookies whole...and then made a face. "Ugh. I remember hearing Viagra tasted bad, but this is ridiculous."
"Hey everybody!" cheered Minako, "Chibi-usa's cookies are great!" They all chowed down, dwindling her cookies to half. Chibi-usa put them in a plastic bag to give to Mamoru later. "Mamoru'll like my cookies more than YOURS."
Usagi shot her daughter a glare, knowing full well the night she had planned for those cookies. "You little skank!" she said, "He's your FATHER! Quit lusting over him before I get sick to the stomach." Then she turned away and flipped her hair. "Besides, its not like Mamoru wants me for my COOKING."
At this thought everyone's stomachs lurched.
"Yeah," said Minako out of the silence, "But they do say that in other cases the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. And that's my theory, I learn to bake and I can grasp some `happiness'."
"And that's why we're learning from super-chef Makoto," smiled Rei suggestively.
"Oh," said Diana thoughtfully, even after everyone had tried to forget her existence, "Does that mean Makoto has already `grasped happiness'?"
Everyone looked shocked and Makoto was at a loss for words. "I...ano...that is to say...happiness is the pursuit of happiness!!" She glanced around hoping she'd won over the crowd.
"Nice one, Mako-chan," said Minako, "Real smooth."
"I tried," sighed Makoto in defeat.
As everyone is left to ponder this new thought, we leave the Kino kitchen for a more comfortable setting - the mall.
************
Later that day, Chibi-usa is skipping triumphantly through the mall on her way to Mamoru's place. As she is about to pass the candy store, she notices a boy in front. He has wings and is dressed in pajamas. Then she blinks and it disappears. She walks up and examines the young lad head to toe (not that he minded) and he finally comments on her cat. They introduce each other and Chibi-usa decides that her acute psychosis must've been acting up again, causing hallucinations. The lad, Peruru, makes some candies in the window dance for her, causing her to hand over the cookies supposedly for her papa (he also had a nice butt). The boy accepts and she realizes that its time for "Tenchi Muyo" to come on, so she bids him farewell. How sweet.
************
Over in the Azabu district, the dashing hero Mamoru is enjoying a manga while listening to some elevator music when the doorbell rings. "I'm coming. I'm coming," he sighs exasperatedly as he realizes he'll have to finish reading "Magic Knight Rayearth: The Sex Season" some other time.
He pads on over to the door and opens it, only to have his girlfriend barge in past him and search everywhere. "Where's that little bakayaro?" she insisted agitatedly.
"She's your daughter and she's not here," said Mamoru, "So let's drop it, okay?" He sweeps her into his arms and starts planting butterfly kisses everywhere on her face and neck before she pulls away.
"No - wait," said Usagi, pulling away from his hold, "I have to know something first. Who's more important to you - Me or Chibi-usa?"
Mamoru looked at her as if she had three heads. "Usako! That's ridiculous! How can you ask me that? You're the love of my life and she's the product of our union (as disturbing as that is)! That's like asking what's more important - air or food!"
Usagi turned away in frustration. "Oh c'mon! She's a spoiled brat that hates me and lusts over you! She couldn't possibly ever give you what I give you."
"No she can't," said Mamoru huskily as he wrapped his arms around her, nuzzling her neck.
The heavy mood was suddenly interrupted by someone screaming on the radio. "This just in!" said the reporter, "Children around the world have been reported missing, being taken from their homes in the middle of the night. More on this story as it develops!"
They paused dramatically in their embrace, contemplating this, then Mamoru turned Usagi around. "We should probably investigate this," said Usagi sadly.
"You're absolutely right," said Mamoru, "And we'll do that first thing...tomorrow."
Usagi turned to him happily and saw the suggestive look on his face. "You read my mind." They immediately started to make their way toward the bedroom.
************
That night, back at her own house, Usagi slept peacefully dreaming of Mamoru, a trail of drool rolling down her face. Over in the other room, Chibi-usa did as well until some flute music jarred her awake and forced her out of bed. As she walked the halls as a zombie, Luna caught a glimpse and ran in to warn Usagi. "Usagi!" she screamed into her ear.
"Hai? Hai?" grumbled Usagi angry from being woken up and blushing from her interrupted dream.
"Chibi-usa's sleep walking. We've got to do something!" Luna then ran out again in a panic.
"Gods - do we have to?" whined Usagi, ready to return to her dreamland.
"Yes! Think of what Pluto will do if you don't." Usagi shuddered.
"The things I do for that little soul-sucking maggot," growled Usagi as she got dressed and ready to go.
Moments later, Usagi was outside. She watched as Chibi-usa and the other neighborhood children walked down the street. Like magic, the other four inner senshi arrived on the scene to see for themselves. "I don't get it," said Usagi shaking her head.
"Do you think it's a practical joke?" asked Minako, ever the ditz.
"Not likely, Mina-chan," muttered Rei.
"Hey guys, I hear something!" exclaimed Makoto in wonder.
"Yeah," agreed Rei, "A flute!" Everyone pauses dramatically to listen.
"Its kind of like the pied piper," commented Ami. She flipped open her Mercury computer and examined it.
"Y'know Ami-chan," said Usagi suddenly, "I will never understand how you can make sense of that garble."
"Its not garble its science, Odango-atama!" snapped Rei indignantly.
"Well exCUSE me!" retorted Usagi. She looked at Mercury's computer screen once more. Was it just her or did it look more and more like Final Fantasy VII everytime she looked at it?
"Oh my sexy Sephy-sama, you will be mine. Oh yes, you will be mine," whispered Ami to herself as she typed away.
"Oh fer kami's sake, will you two just URUSAI?!" Everyone then turned to Makoto who was blushing a pale pink.
"Let's just go!" said Ami, saving her game, "These are bad vibes I'm picking up."
So our young heroines race down the street after the zombie-child Chibi-usa and eventually end up at the park, where all things bad occur. "Its high time I did something I should've done a long time ago," said Usagi, grinning evilly. She picked up her daughter, throwing her across one leg and then spanked her until she woke up.
"Hey! What's the big idea, bimbo?!" screeched Chibi-usa as Usagi put her down again.
"I was waking you up, baka!" said Usagi.
"YES! YES!" screamed the pink-haired demon.
"AAAAHH!! Get it off me!" shrieked Usagi, pushing her to the ground. The group collectively sweatdropped.
Suddenly, the little punk snapped out of it. "That's child abuse and I don't have to stand for it!" said Chibi-usa, pointing a finger at Usagi, "I'll sue your ass from here to Pluto!"
"You can't sue your own mother for spanking you, baka," smiled Usagi.
Over in front of the hovering clown ship of doom, the senshi were trying to block the kids from entering. "Oh will you two just drop it already!" groaned Makoto in frustration.
On top of the ship's bow, the flute-player ceased his music and looked down. "Kami, you shoujos are giving me a headache!" he stood up, "Let's have none of that. PAPILLOT! Bon-bon babies!" he threw some candy down and played some notes, producing the eerie gelatinous kids of doom or whatever.
"Shimatta," mumbled Makoto as the creatures came after them.
A short battle scene ensues before the feline friends remind them that they have super powers and don't have to stand for this. They all transform in a flash of light and get ready to fight.
"You ass is MINE, candy-boy!" smiled Venus. She turned and aimed her attack. "Venus! Love and Beauty...Shock!" And BAM! She kicks some candy butt.
"Hey bon-bon!" smiled Jupiter, "How'd ya like a little seasoning? Jupiter! Oak...Evolution!" BAM! Another one bites the dust, reverting into a harmless confection.
"Moon Tiara Action!" One by one the girls throw out some kickass attacks, fending off the evil sweets.
Of course, this thoroughly pisses off flute-boy and he looks over in time to see Peruru standing indignantly. "I'M king of the mountain!" shouts Peruru from his perch on the playground's play...er...mound?
"What?" asked ChibiMoon in confusion.
"Oh, nevermind," groaned Peruru, "Just...*dramatic pause* Stop this madness, Pupuran!"
"Oh, yeah, sure," laughed Pupuran, "Since when is my little brother my keeper?"
Suddenly, the ship's bow (which looks like a clown head for some acid-induced reason) projects an image from its `eyeballs'. "Peruru!" says a hologram of a woman, "Quit being a little bitch!"
"That's tellin' him, Badiane-sama!" cheered Pupuran evilly.
"But...but...oh just gimme a break here, onna!" gasped Peruru desperately.
"Hmmm....lemme think a minute," there was a pause and then Badiane smiled evilly once more, "No. Pupuran, I'll give you a power boost for your Bon-Bon babies. Kick their asses." Then the hologram disappeared.
"Wai," smiled Pupuran. Then he started to play that infernal music again. This created some sort of hypo-vibes which screwed with the senshis' brains, making them believe they were in a magical candy land.
"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Mars in confusion.
"I think its an illusion..." said Mercury, "But damn does it smell good!"
"Candy House! Candy House! Candy House!" exclaimed ChibiMoon, running over.
Jupiter looked at the others and winked. "When in Rome..." Then they all charged into the house a top speed.
Once inside, however, Venus had a sudden burst of intelligence. "WTF! Hey y'all! We shrunk!"
"What are you talking about, Venus?" questioned Jupiter.
"She's right!" exclaimed ChibiMoon, "You're all my size!"
"NOOOOOO!!!!!!" exclaimed Sailor Moon, "I already went through this once!!" She looked around in a panic, "This can't be happening! What about Mamo-chan?! I need SEX, damnit!"
Suddenly, Pupuran's music was halted mid-note by a flying razor-sharp rose. Off somewhere in a distant sound studio, someone slammed an acoustic guitar on the wall. "You rang?" asked a figure in the trees.
"Oh, what the hell?!" growled Pupuran in frustration, "What's with all the interruptions?"
"I am Tuxedo Kamen," announced the masked man, "And I say, Stop that, you evil wackjob!" (AN: Gomen, its my fav quote of his from the dub).
"Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" exclaimed ChibiMoon.
"He-bitch! What took you so fuckin' long?!" exclaimed Sailor Moon.
"I was shaggin' Pluto in the back alley behind the porn shop," muttered Tuxie under his breath. He leapt forward to engage in the combat, fully prepared to once again get his ass kicked around the block.
Some fighting ensues once again. This, of course, results in Tuxedo Kamen and Sailor Jupiter getting beat to hell, whereas the other senshi are `mysteriously' perfectly fine. (God forbid they actually fight). At one point Pupuran has the demon Mongoloid crack babies (zombie kids) attack Tuxie which results in screams of "ACK! Getemoffame! GET EM OFF A ME!" And then he's thrown around some more (much funny) and as he struggles to get up one last time, a Bon-Bon Baby comes over and throws him into the ship's hull.
The senshi forget that there's even fighting and rush to his side because he's just that damn cute. They all feel the need to say his name at least once (why, we don't know) and he replies the best he can with an "I've fallen and I can't get up."
*Author's Note*: Around this time a censor from Blockbuster comes in, ready to attack Apey for making her movie PG-13, which we all know is the end of the world. But Apey (ie Me) pulls out the old ploy of "Wait, think of the children!" (heh, I hate kids) and is spared.
~Chiba Apey
Then, much to the viewer's pleasure, ChibiMoon is carried away on the ship and everyone screams in dispair. Then they remember they hate her and get over it. Peruru, seeing the trouble he's caused, tries to make a break for it, but to no avail. "And just where the hell do you think you're going?" asked a rather perturbed Sailor Mars.
"Ano...somewhere else?" grinned Peruru sheepishly.
Jupiter rolled her eyes. "Nice try, pajama boy. Now what's the deal here? We're losing valuable sleep-time over this."
Peruru sighed guiltily and gave in to the inevitable. He explained the whole situation frontwards and backwards, and they all just sighed, knowing what Pluto or even Saturn could do to them if they didn't get the pink-haired brat back.
************
*Author's Note* : There is a scene here in which they go back to Mamoru's apartment and they all get teary-eyed and tell a barely conscious that Chibi-usa will be alright. Seeing as how this scene is completely retarded and thoroughly unrealistic, I've decided to leave it out. And there was much rejoicing. Wai. I'm cutting out Chibimoon's intro to Badiane for me own reasons.
~Chiba Apey
************
Back in the park (because that's where everything evil happens in the world, some kamiforsaken park in Tokyo) everyone piles onto Peruru's evil bozo boat of doom, which magically appeared out of someone's acid-induced hallucination. Everyone sat on board completely bored, waiting for the stupid ride to end. Venus just leaned over the side of the boat, willing herself not to throw up, while Jupiter watched warily, ready to help if it did happen. On the other side of the boat, Mercury played Tetris on her computer while Moon and Mars played cat's cradle.
As the boredom increased, they finally broke through the clouds and Peruru announced that they were almost there. Nobody really cared. When they finally came near Marzipan Castle, Pupuran and his lackeys fired some shots at the ship. Mercury fended off one, but due to Peruru's severe lack of driving skills, they crashed anyway.
"Smooth move, ExLax!" snapped Mars as they clamored off the boat.
"Whatever dude," moaned Moon, "All I know is my head hurts." She stood up and turned, only to be confronted with Pupuran, Oranja, and Banaanu. "Oh fer cryin' out loud!"
"Get those bimbos before they screw us all!" screamed Pupuran.
"Wait - is that a bad thing?" asked Banaau, for the sake of giving him a line (the guy's dressed like a banana fer cripe's sake!)
"Banaau!" whined the fagadellic Oranja, "You don't love me anymore, do you?"
"Shut up!" cried Pupuran.
"PAPPILOT!" called all three goons at once. They threw little hard candies at the senshi, and quickly played their music forming more of those gelatinous crack babies we love so much. (AN: Oooo, hungry). Mercury took this opportunity to attack. "Mercury...Aqua Rhapsody!" But the attack had little effect.
"I can't believe this!" exclaimed Venus, "Why can't you just die already?"
A rush of energy (which just so happens to look like Uranus's World Shaking attack) came over and hit a Bon-Bon baby.
The senshi turned in time to see the outers standing atop a giant rotating ball. Moon leaned over to Mercury and whispered. "How did they get here?" Mercury merely shrugged.
Through some odd need of the ego or something, the outers introduce themselves and leap down to join the others. "Dead Scream," said Pluto whispering an attack.
"Ha!" laughed Pupuran, "You can't beat us, nya nya! We'll let all the children stay children forever."
"My mirror can see through you any day of the week!" smiled Neptune, "Submarine...Reflection!" her mirror shone a blinding light on their foes, revealing their flutes to be their source of power. Neptune looked to Uranus who nodded.
"Space Sword...Blaster!" Uranus sliced through Oranja's flute, reverting him to cuckoo bird form and destroying his controlled candies.
"Anything you can do I can do better!" smiled Mars, "Mars...Flame Sniper!" She, in turn, did the same to Banaanu that Uranus had done to his cohort.
With one last quick swipe, Uranus put an end to Pupuran, who screamed for Badiane as he died. Neptune then came to her side. "Imagine, being a child forever," she laughed, "When there are so many fun things to do as an adult." Uranus merely cocked and eyebrow, and then cleared her throat, and they rejoined the others. (AN: Ooo! Kinky...)
************
For the sake of time, we'll skip the scene in which the senshi discover that Chibi-usa wants Peruru's sex and they all chide him, including Usagi who is thoroughly pissed because he daughter already has a better track record than her. Its sad, really, considering the little brat's still in elementary school. *author is suddenly overcome with wave of depression.* Aw fuck.
************
Down in Badiane's evil lair or whatever, the senshi depart the elevator and come to meet the great big Lady of Marzipan Castle herself. "Its about fuckin' time ya dirty ho!" squealed Chibimoon upon seeing Sailor Moon.
"Fuck you, too," replied Sailor Moon, with more than just a hint of frustration in her voice.
"Eh, bite me," replied Chibimoon, sticking out her tongue.
Badiane glanced down at the offending senshi. "Oh, what the hell is it now? Jehovah's witnesses? Girl scout cookies? Listen people, I really don't have time for this. I'm really busy."
The senshi looked at Badiane in surprise and sweatdropped, casting quick glances at one another. "*ahem*," started Moon, "We're the Sailor Senshi and we fight for love and...*yawns* some other stuff. Listen, I'm real tired, so just let us defeat you, and we'll be on our way, okay?"
"I don't think so," laughed Badiane, "You see, I'm going to use this girl's sugar energy to lock the planet into a world of perfect dreams forever, so if you'll excuse me..."
"Why must they always do things the HARD way?" whined Moon. Then she and the other senshi powered up their attacks to strike. However, before the senshi could attack, Badiane hit them with a hard blow and turned into some sort of black hole thing. The senshi were flung back, all turned into naked silhouettes of themselves - except for Moon.
"Fuuuuuck!!!" whined Jupiter, "Why must we always be naked?!"
"You don't hear me complaining," said Uranus as she winked at a blushing (or at least she thought she was blushing) Neptune.
Meanwhile, Moon uses her powers `n' crap to use the Bozo head to go into the black hole. (AN: Y'know, if this were a lemon, that could be taken as very perverted. ^^) Once inside, though, she suddenly felt this sick feeling in her stomach upon seeing the nude Chibimoon and opted not to rush over. This, of course, gave time for her to be locked into one of those (AN: wonderful, beautiful, magical, kinky, terrific) black dream coffin thingies (it's the word coffin that makes it sound bad, isn't it?).
******Cut to Sailor Moon's Dream Coffin Sequence!******
Like magic, Sailor Moon found herself someplace very familiar. It was Mamoru's bedroom! (as if we all didn't know already) Mamoru was there and smiling like a horny teenager. "Y'know," he commented, "You look really hot in spandex."
Moon suddenly found herself all giddy. "You should see me out of it," she commented slyly. She practically jumped the poor boy, knocking him into the wall and clawing at his clothes. Then, amazingly, she had a burst of thought. Pulling away for a minute, she looked him in the eyes. "Waitaminute!" she said, "Who means more to you - me or Chibiusa?" That was when he gave her that I-know-something-you-don't smile. This just proved to make her even more curious. "Well?" she asked impatiently.
"You, of course," he said sneakily. She knew something was up.
"Okay, so you've got to be a dream Mamo-chan," she mused, fitting to pieces together in her head, "But what else are you hiding?"
"Oh, its simple, Miss Moon," smiled Mamoru, "Chibi-usa won't even have to exist - ever. As long as You keep me busy," he came closer, "I won't have that affair with Pluto and there won't be a Chibi-usa."
Moon's eyes lit up. "And this is my dream world, so you WON'T have an affair!" she cheered, suddenly more happy than she'd been in awhile. "Baby!" she yelled, detransforming as she pounced on Mamoru once more.
******1 Hour Later******
Usagi sat up suddenly. "Wait a second!" she yelped, smacking Mamoru upside the head, "YOU had an affair with Pluto! You bitch!"
THE END
AN: So, tell me what you thought. You like? You LIKE? YES! Of COURSE you like! Is good, ne? *cackles maniacally and is dragged off in a straight jacket - again*