Just a silly, wacky thing I wrote between classes at university. You know how Hermione is everyone's go-to heroine and she's basically been paired with every single Harry Potter male character in existence? Well, what if our favourite pair of twins found out?
English is not my first language - do feel free to point out any grammar errors you spot so I can fix them!
Disclaimer: Not Mine.
– The Forge & Gred Show –
(8)
(8) Imagine a very Epic Opening (8)
(8)
The camera slowly zooms in on the two wizards in the studio, who smile and wave at their adoring fans.
GEORGE
Good evening, ladies!
LEE JORDAN
...and gentlemen.
FRED
Is that absolutely necessary?
LEE JORDAN
(rolls his eyes) Yes.
FRED
Really?
LEE JORDAN
Really. Guys, we do not have all day. Please, let's get to it.
FRED
As you say mate, as you say.
GEORGE
So welcome people!
FRED
To the Evening's―
F&G
...Edition of Harry Potter, the Who's Dating Hermione Today, Special!
FRED
Presented by Yours Truly―
GEORGE
the Amazing―
FRED
Fabulous―
GEORGE
Awe-inspiring―
FRED
Master Tricksters―
F&G
Two and Only Heirs to the Marauders―
F&G
Incredibly-proud-Owners-of-the-Wizarding-World's-Best-Joke-Shop―
LEE JORDAN
I think we get it.
FRED
(winks and whispers) If you come over, we'll give you a discount.
GEORGE
Gred―
FRED
And Forge―
FRED&GEORGE
Weasley!
FRED
Here's where you applaud. Please take your time.
- APPLAUSE -
- APPLAUSE -
- APPLAUSE -
GEORGE
First of all we would like to thank our lovely and fair audience. We are ever so grateful to you―
FRED
For keeping me alive―
GEORGE
Well, more often than not― wait, I guess he wouldn't know.
FRED
(glares)
GEORGE
And I would like to especially extend my gratitude to those of you who regularly pair me up with Hermione. She always manages to cheer me up when Things Go Wrong.
FRED
(glares harder) Hermione's my Savior. My Angel. She's mine. We're destined to be.
GEORGE
Hermione's a popular girl Forge. You can hardly keep her all to yourself.
FRED
(sulks)
GEORGE
Even Ron's aware of her Heart Throb Status. He didn't take it well. Doesn't like sharing.
FRED
I guess icky Ronniekins is not as dense as I had given him credit for.
GEORGE
Speaking of our lovely nymph.
FRED
Miss Granger.
GEORGE
Or Mrs Weasley. Our Mrs Weasley. And Ron's. And Charlie's. And Bill's. And... I'm not that sure about Percy.
FRED
Well, she's also been a Malfoy, according to various sources.
GEORGE
Eww.
FRED
And a Potter. Should we tell Ginny?
GEORGE
She's also been a Black apparently. Guess Sirius was in serious need of some company after 12 years in Azkaban. (wiggles eyebrows suggestively)
LEE JORDAN
(sighs)
FRED
Uh. (keeps reading) A Lupin? But what about Teddy! I love my T-Bears!
GEORGE
... A Snape. A SNAPE?
FRED
(shocked) WHAT?
GEORGE
You mean someone caught my wife―
FRED
(interrupts) You mean mine―
GEORGE
...consorting with the Greasy Bat of the Dungeons?
FRED
Forget the caught part, that is so not the problem here.
LEE JORDAN
Well, Snape's a hero, guys. And girls just love broody characters with ambiguous, tragic pasts. Everyone knows that.
GEORGE
But STILL.
FRED
(grimaces)
GEORGE
I thought Hermione knew better.
FRED
She loves me, after all.
GEORGE
And me!
FRED
She did end up with Ronniekins an awful lot of times.
GEORGE
Do not remind me.
FRED&GEORGE
Sigh.
FRED
(resigned) So who else?
GEORGE
Yes, let me see. It's― wait. There must be a mistake.
FRED
What, Georgie?
GEORGE
Lee! Lee! Why's You-Know-Who's―
FRED
Do you?
GEORGE
(glares) That joke is old, Forge.
FRED
(shrugs)
GEORGE
…last name in this bloody list?
LEE JORDAN
All data's been backed up by a copious amount of research and evidence.
- AWKWARD SILENCE –
- AWKWARD SILENCE –
- AWKWARD SILENCE –
GEORGE
Ahaha. That's a good one, mate. You almost had me fooled. But you're 100 years too early to pull a prank on the Amazing Weasley Twins.
LEE JORDAN
(serious) Guys, who do you think is in charge of our Research Department?
FRED
…Good question.
GEORGE
Who?
LEE JORDAN
…Do you really need me to spell it out?
FRED
(pales) …Oh.
GEORGE
What?
FRED
Oh. (eyes meaningfully)
GEORGE
…Oh! (stricken)
LEE JORDAN
Should I call her here to have her clear things up for you?
GEORGE
I… uhm… well.
FRED
You see Lee, I really do not think that's necessary.
GEORGE
Hardly so―
FRED
We wouldn't want to interrupt her.
GEORGE
Really.
FRED
We insist.
GEORGE
I'm sure she's busy.
FRED
…With paperwork!
GEORGE
Groundbreaking discoveries on the Theory of Magic―
FRED
Volatile experiments―
GEORGE
Freeing the house elves!
FRED
Arguing with the Malfoy spawn―
GEORGE
Saving the world and the like―
FRED
Over and over again.
GEORGE
One book at a time.
FRED
You know Hermione.
LEE JORDAN
(amused) She says she will be here in five minutes.
GEORGE
Bloody hell!
FRED
(stares at Lee accusingly)
GEORGE
(panicky) How do I look, Forge?
FRED
Great as always, Gred. Though we both know I'm the better looking twin.
GEORGE
I thought I was the better looking twin!
FRED
Just ask Hermione when she gets here. She knows everything.
HERMIONE GRANGER
Well! She's here! (crosses her arms) So what's this about?
FRED&GEORGE
(exchange a nervous glance)
GEORGE
Nothing.
FRED
Nothing at all.
GEORGE
It's stupid, really.
FRED
We wouldn't want to waste your time.
HERMIONE GRANGER
(unimpressed) Well, it's too late now. Spill.
GEORGE
Really! It's… just that Lee's made a silly mistake.
FRED
Nothing for you to worry your pretty little head about.
HERMIONE GRANGER
(suspiciously) What have you done? (turns to her left and stares at Lee accusingly) You told me you could do this! I should've known not to trust you with them!
LEE JORDAN
(raises his hands in surrender) I did my very best!
HERMIONE GRANGER
(crosses her arms) Well, your very best is clearly not good enough then, isn't it?
FRED
Ooooh, she has a mean streak!
GEORGE
Sounds like she's been spending her free time with Malfoy, mate.
FRED
(shivers) Or Snape.
GEORGE
(sickly) Merlin. Quick, Obliviate me. Now.
HERMIONE GRANGER
(narrows her eyes at them) Excuse me? How do you (notices list and snatches it up) Why is this here?
FRED&GEORGE
(refuse to answer, but their eyes betray them and dart to LEE JORDAN)
HERMIONE GRANGER
YOU!
LEE JORDAN
(fidgeting) Ehrm. Me.
HERMIONE GRANGER
Didn't I make it clear to you MONTHS AGO that no one's allowed inside my study?
LEE JORDAN
(mutters) Should have known. I dug my own grave.
FRED
(slowly) Wait…
GEORGE
You couldn't possibly mean…
FRED
That this is true?
GEORGE
I mean…
FRED
All of it?
F&G&LEE JORDAN
(all eyes fix themselves on HERMIONE GRANGER, who sniffles unceremoniously)
HERMIONE GRANGER
What's it to you?
GEORGE
But Hermione, love of my life―
FRED
Soul of my soul―
HERMIONE GRANGER
(rolls eyes) Yes?
FRED
…Why's the Dark Lord's name on that paper?
HERMIONE GRANGER
(blushes deeply)
FRED&GEORGE
(their faces both go blank, simultaneously)
FRED
(tentatively) Hermione?
HERMIONE GRANGER
(coldly) I need to go back to my research. I can't believe wizards! They see nothing wrong with keeping Dementors in Azkaban. Our justice system is BARBARIC! The psychological torture criminals are subjected to in there is a profoundly unethical practice based on revenge fantasies. The government is supposed to be in charge of rehabilitating those people! Instead, they prance about, happily DESTROYING SOULS-
FRED
R-right. We'll leave you to it, then.
GEORGE
Yes…
FRED
I think it's time for a break, guys.
F&G&LEE JORDAN
(unanimous agreement)
GEORGE
Yes…
FRED
I think I'll go lie down for a while.
LEE JORDAN
Okay.
GEORGE
Yes…
- COMMERCIAL BREAK –
- COMMERCIAL BREAK-
- COMMERCIAL BREAK –
THE G&F SHOW HAS BEEN PUT ON HOLD FOR THE TIME BEING. WE APOLOGISE FOR THE INCOVENIENCE.
GEORGE
Yes…
THE END.