A Pimp Named Christ
Alfred leaned back and threw another crumpled tissue into the waste bin across his darkened room, lit only by the glow of his computer screen. He had remained in his seat staring at the computer screen for the last three days and over the course he had used many a tissue to wipe off his filthy ejaculate from his less than average cock. It was the twentieth time for him since he lost his job and he felt no better than he did when they did fire him. He decided instead of finding some strange new porn, he would mix things up by hiring an escort for his pleasure (for you see he had gone through the normal varieties to keep it fresh and had even done strange dips into animated porn and BDSM and his reservoir for new material was starting to run dry from an adulthood of use).
Although, unlucky Alfred had never hired a prostitute before so he did what any other man in his position would do, he consulted the yellow pages. He found the entries for "escort agencies" and decided to pick one at random as he had not had any experience with any of them previously. The one that he decided he would try was named "Heavenly Escort Services" so he highlighted their number and rung them up.
A gruff female voice, as though it were that of a man, greeted him on the other line. "What and when?" it said.
Alfred stumbled for words as his nerves got the better of him. "Uhm… wha… what are the services?".
The voice seemed annoyed with his question as it replied "Fifty for a handy, sixty for a blowy, hundred per hour of the deluxe package."
"I… I'll take the deluxe package then" Alfred replied, with a great sense of doubt in his voice.
"When you want it?" the voice demanded.
"Preferably now… if that's possible" Alfred managed to blurt out.
"She'll be right with you" the voice said just before the voice hung up.
Alfred did not have to wait long as soon the door was being knocked by what he assumed to be his escort. He ran over to the door and opened to find a Vietnamese woman standing there clad in clothing that barely covered a tenth of her skin. In fractured English she explained that she was named Peter, though Alfred postulated that this was all the English she knew as all of his attempts at conversation were met with angry sounding Vietnamese. She went over to the bed and Alfred readied himself for his first sexual experience with a woman. Unfortunately for Alfred though, his twenty prior sessions of self pleasure did not help delay his reaction so his session of lovemaking with the fine prostitute was over as quickly as it had started. He gave her the hundred dollar bill rather sullenly only to notice that his wallet was awfully devoid of money. He clocked the prostitute right in her face leaving a nasty welt as he the loose bills fell out of her bra which he picked up and pocketed again. Peter ran off yelling Vietnamese vulgarities.
Only as Alfred began to relax again, he heard a loud thundering from outside. He glanced out and noticed a giant metal and fully mechanical velociraptor ridden by a dark skinned individual with long, black hair and a huge golden cross on his chest. The individual dismounted and quickly proceeded into Alfred's building, up the staircase to his floor, and smashed open Alfred's door.
"I am your lord and savior Jesus Christ and you have tampered with which does not belong to you. It is time for you to die for your sins" the individual said as he pulled out a pistol with which to end Alfred's life.
Just as Alfred closed his eyes and prayed that he would be spared, he heard a distinct crack come from the far end of the room. His eyes snapped open and noticed that there was no longer just one man in his apartment, but two.
"You have taken what was mine, Jesus, and now it is time for you to pay" this new individual shouted with furious anger.
"Dante, I should have known I'd find you here" Jesus replied. Jesus then proceeded to do a front flip out of Alfred's window, somehow maneuvering himself with Christ-powers and landing atop his mecha-velociraptor which began to shoot lasers out of its mouth. Jesus only had time to take a step with this iron beast before it collapsed on itself.
"Damn you, Judas!" Jesus cried as he realized that Judas had neglected to charge the damn beast.
Dante teleported outside to meet his foe on the streets to vanquish him once and for all.
"I guess it's time for us to go mano a mano" Jesus said.
"Your Cross Style is no match for my Burning Demon Slayer Technique" Dante replied.
Jesus rushed at Dante as the battle began. The two were almost evenly matched and every strike they would make would promptly be blocked by the other. The battle went on as the two struggled to come out in front. After nearly half an hour of an almost unceasing onslaught of attacks and countless destruction to the neighborhood in which they did battle, Jesus managed to hit Dante square in the face. The very force of the impact knocked Dante back twenty feet and he slumped onto the ground. Jesus approached his crippled body, ready to deliver the coup de grace to his ravaged rival. Just then Dante spun around and tossed a handful of Satan's tears onto Jesus' face causing him to scream in agony. When he finally pulled his hands away from his face only his skull and tattered flaps of skin remained of his face.
"I'm coming for you Beatrice!" Dante yelled as he grabbed onto the soul of Jesus and the two of them rose into the sky and out of sight.
Only Alfred was left to marvel at the destruction left from this epic encounter.
"Well I'm never doing that again" he said as he sat back down at his computer to masturbate yet again.