Hello there, this is Constable Paperbag, and I bring you probably the biggest mistake of my life xD

So, I'm writing a few dark things right now - one being the latest Power is Red chapter as well as a horror one shot - so I figured I might as well write something to lighten the mood before then.

I see a lot of people writing lemons on this site, so I figured I can make your toes curl as well. Let it never be said that CP doesn't know how to be erotic.

So sit back, get comfortable and grab your ostrich. It's about to get steamy up in here~

T'was a quiet day in Team RWBY's room.

Ruby, Weiss and Yang were lounging around on the lazy Saturday afternoon. Beacon was always a barrel of rush and excitement, so it was rare for them to have a day where they could actually chill out.

Ruby was reading a comic, Weiss was studying and Yang was playing a game on her scroll. Blake wasn't with her team this time, as she was out doing faunus stuff. Meaning she wouldn't be back for quite a while.

"Did Blake say when she'd be back?" Yang yawned.

"I don't think so," Ruby said. "You know how she is, she can be pretty mysterious."

"So… nobody's knows when she's coming back?"

"That's what she just said," Weiss said, scolding the blonde for her equally blonde brain.

Yang raised an eyebrow mischievously. A devilish grin stretched across her face. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"We should all get matching capes?"

"We should spend more time in the library?"

"None of the above, girls," Yang grinned. "We should totally look through her stuff."

"Oh no. Don't you dare, Xiao Long," Weiss scolded. "That's a complete violation of your partner's privacy."

"What she doesn't know won't hurt me," Yang laughed, already getting off her bed and heading to Blake's drawer. "Besides, aren't you a little curious. Who know's what secrets our little kitty has~"

"Yang, I forbid you from doing this! Have some respect for goodness sake."

C'mon Weiss, live a little," Yang whined. She the looked towards her sister/leader. "Whaddaya say, Rubes? You don't mind having a quick look do you?"

"I mean, we really shouldn't…" Ruby said, clearly debating the idea in her head. "But… I guess it would be a little fun…"

"Yes!" Yang cried out in victory. "Here that, Ice Queen? Our leader just approved of my idea, so suck it."

"Ruby, you can't honestly agree to such a thing!?" Weiss said, appalled at what her leader was allowing to happen. "

"I mean, just as long as she puts everything back to where it was, there'd be no harm done, right?"

"Exactly," Yang said. "Don't worry, it'll look like I wasn't even here. Oh, and Weiss? Don't even think about telling Blake what happened, or I'll tell Oobleck you cheated in the last ten exams we had with him."

Weiss' eyes went wide. That was a complete deformation to her character. After all, she had only cheated six times.

"Just- just know that I'm not happy about this," Weiss stammered, going back to her studying in silent protest.

Ruby and Yang continued to raid Blake's drawer like the nosey little busybodies that they were, when Yang found something that made her eyes go wide with joy.

"Oooh, we hit the jackpot~" she sang, holding up a black book with a blank front cover. "Guys, I think I just found Blake's diary!"

"You found what?"

"Not happy with this!" Weiss shouted from beyond her textbook.

"Well, I think it's her diary, I haven't opened it yet… but we're about to find out~"

"I dunno, Yang," Ruby said. "This might be going a bit far."

"Don't worry, Rubes. It's not like we're gonna repeat anything we read. I'm not gonna spread her secrets around the school."

"Yang, put that book back this instant!" Weiss snapped. "A diary is a safe place for girls, somewhere where they can write down all their feelings. Like if they just broke up with their boyfriend, or if they're scared about something, or if they're the heiress of a successful yet controversial dust company but are looking for an escape from that life-"

"C'mon Weiss," Yang teammate. "You know you want a little peek. Wouldn't it be interesting to know a little more about our teammate?"

Weiss bit her lip. She did like knowing things, for knowledge was power. At least, that's what she told Yang to avoid going to the gym. It was tempting…

"One page," she announced. "I will read one page, then I'll be done with this tomfoolery."

"Now we're talking," Yang cheered. Everyone huddled around the blonde as she opened the book, eager to read the wonders that were inside.

The first page took them by surprise. They had expected it to start off with 'Dear diary', but instead it had a few words written in the centre of the page.

The following stories are the romantic works of Shadowcat.

"Shadowcat?" Ruby asked. "I thought her name was Blake? Oh my god, I don't even know my own friend!"

"You dolt," Weiss said, slapping Ruby on the back of the head. "Her name's still Blake, this is probably just a pen name."

"A pen name?"

"A fake name," Weiss sighed. "A name writers sometimes put down as their real name to hide their true identity."

"Never mind that, look closely at what it says." Yang pointed to the words on the page. "This says that this book has stories in it. You know what that means? Blake writes stories in her free time! That's so cool!"

"Our teammate's an aspiring author?" Ruby squeed. "That's awesome. Do you think she writes fairy tales? Oh, or maybe she writes action-packed thrillers with cool fight scenes?"

"Uh, says here that the stories are romantic, so probably not."

"Doesn't matter. C'mon Yang, show more. I wanna see what Blake is capable of."

"Alright, hold your horses, Rubes," Yang laughed. "Weiss, you can't honestly say your not the least bit curious now? And besides, this isn't even her diary, so it's not like we're raiding through her private life."

"You were a few seconds ago!"

"And I solemnly regret that decision," Yang said, putting a hand on her heart and pretending to be sad. "So come on, let's read what Blake has to write."

Weiss sighed. "I will read one story, then I'll go back to reading what's really important.

In good spirits, Yang flicked past the first page, only to find another note at the centre of the page.

Dedicated to Patty Berdioler. Your astounding work inspires me everyday of my life xxx

"Who's Patty Berioler?"

"I think that's the author of that ninja's series that she's always reading."

"Huh. Well, maybe there will be some action it it then," Ruby said hopefully.

Yang turned the page.

[/]

Snow White and the Dunceman - A tragic romance by Shadowcat

They say life is funny in a rich man's world.

However, can the same be said for rich women?

Winter Schnee looked down from her bedroom tower made of lien, gazing over all that she surveyed. The world of Remnant belonged to the Schnee's, the most diabolical family in all of Remnant. They had singlehandedly enslaved all the faunus in the world, simply because they didn't have animal ears.

Winter had always wanted cat ears, because cat ears are the best! I mean I'm not being picky or anything, but if you had to be a faunus, you might as well be a cat one.

And so, in their petty jealousy, they set about conquering the world. Their influence spread like butter, as they decimated all that stood in their way. Soon, there wasn't a place on the map that didn't have their family's stupid little snowflake emblem stamped on it.

But with victory came a price. Not a physical price - those white-collared goons could afford anything - a metaphorical price. A price that you can't throw your wallet at. A price that doesn't come with a price tag, so you go to ask the lady at the counter how much it costs, only to find out all the staff are on break forever.

Winter Schnee couldn't find love.

Years of being cold hearted had left her incapable of feeling such an emotion. Her heart was like an ice cube, minus the cube part. No emotions got in, no emotions got out. And so, the Ice Queen ruled with a heavy heart that matched her heavy chest.

Yeah, everything about her was heavy.

She sprawled out on her bed, moaning about life n' shit, when the door behind her opened. A young blond huntsman stepped in, bumbling with each step. His name was Jaune Arc, and he had been in service to Winter ever since his village had exiled him for being young, blond but not female.

The two had a long history together. He had been her footstool for a long time, but had since been promoted to chair.

"My lady," he said, bowing in her presence. "I heard a cry coming from your bedroom. What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing, Jaune," she moaned. "I'm just feeling a little upset, that's all."

"Upset? My lady, I can't imagine why. If you don't mind me saying, 'you've got it going on' as the good people of Vacuo would say.

"I'm not interested in the colloquialisms of sand people," she whined. "I seek something more than that. Something it feels like I can't live without."

"Oxygen?"

"Love!"

"That was my fifth guess."

She turned her back to him, looking out the balcony of her bedroom. "Yes, Jaune of Arc, I seek love in this melancholic time of mine. I yearn to be held, to be adored. Alas, I don't think such a thing will ever happen."

"Fret not, your Schnee-ness. I have no doubt you will find a man worthy of your icy affections."

She scoffed. "I doubt it. My life just isn't made for love. My life is full of business, money and an absurd lack of cat ears. There's no room for a man in that lifestyle."

The boy shook his head. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. It was no secret that he adored the woman before him, from the various love letters he sent her, to the way he walked around with a T-shirt with her face on it.

Granted, everyone had to that, but he at least wore his to bed.

"But my lady, love is a wonderful thing… well, so I've been told anyway." He looked down at his feet. "I too have yet to share it with someone."

"Your problems are your own," she spat. "This is about me we're talking about. I want nice things!"

"Have you ever approached a man in order to find love?"

She groaned. "I told you, I don't have the time to go hubby hunting. I'm too busy owning things that don't belong to me to pursue such matters.

Jaune went quiet for a moment. "My lady… what if a man was to approach you?"

She laughed harshly. "As if that would ever happen. Like the rest of the Schnee family, I look like trash."

Jaune approached her with a nervous skip in his step. His heart was beating faster than a cocaine addict's during a real good rush… not that I would know what that feels like.

"My lady, for as long as I can remember, I've always admired you from a distance, and I don't just mean while you're in the shower." He placed a hand on her shoulder. "From the moment I saw you raid that town full of innocent kitten faunus, I knew I wanted you."

She turned to him, eyes wider than her waistline. "Jaune, what are you saying?"

"I thought I was speaking clearly, but I'll repeat myself anyway," he said. "My lady, for as long as I can remember, I've always admired you from a distance, and I don't just mean while you're in the shower. From the moment I saw you raid that town full of innocent kitten faunus, I knew I wanted you."

"Yeah, I thought that's what you said. Jaune, is what your saying true?"

"My words are as real as the wage gap between faunus and human."

Winter's heart fluttered at his words.

Could it be? Had the man who could give her what she desperately wanted literally just walked through her door. Probably not, as Jaune was the only one who walked in, but he would still do nicely.

"Jaune… if you truly mean what you say… then I must ask you to follow me."

She led him two steps away from the balcony and back to her bed. It was just as well she had led the way, otherwise he might have gotten lost.

She laid down sensually on the bed made of lien, nearly instantly falling asleep due to how comfy it was, but she fought off her drowsiness.

"If you would be so kind as to join me, Jaune."

Jaune's lip quivered. The woman of his dreams was offering herself to him. He pinched himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

He then punched himself for extra measure.

It was only when started chopping off his toes did he realise that this was very real.

He pounced on the bed, the lien flying into the air. Money rained down on the couple as they explored each other's mouths, their tongues fighting for dominance as they sunk into carnal pleasure.

His tongue swirled in her mouth like a washing machine. Their slimey muscles licked across each other's teeth, making them more shiny and clean than any toothbrush in the world.

He stated like lips. She also tasted like lips.

Quite thrilling.

They pulled away from each other, a thin trail of saliva connecting them like some kind of sticky bondage toy. They stared into each other's eyes, getting lost in the windows of their souls.

He looked at her and saw a woman who was giving everything she wanted from the day she was born. Clothes, jewels, cars, she had it all. Yet it did nothing to fill the void in her heart. Every mission she went on, every victory she claimed, nothing would ease the pain inside of her. She would walk through life barely living, but not quite dead. She was looking for that special something to make her feel whole again.

She looked at him and saw a guy trying to get some.

They lost themselves again, the pair crawling and rubbing against each other like a limbless man trying to wrestle. He bit, she scratched, he nipped, she occasionally cartwheeled. Love was a drug, and they were junkies.

Her legs wrapped around his waist and locked him tight to her, preventing him from leaving or going to the toilet.

This was it. The moment they'd been waiting for. It was time for a void to get a good ol' filling.

"My lady… I…" His voice was husky and his words were shaky.

"Shhh," she whispered, placing a finger over his lips. His voice was super annoying when he was out of breath. "Service the lady."

Nodding like a man about to service the lady, he brought his member closer to her entrance. At first he gently prodded it, before making the plunge. His eyes lit up and he gasped, collapsing onto her form. She shut her eyes, hissing through her teeth as she felt him inside her. The two held each other close, getting used to this new feeling.

It was in this moment that they were truly connected, both body and soul. They were two beings, who would only be separated if someone were to sever the spiritual bonds of love that now tied the two lovers together.

It felt alright.

"Oh yes," Jaune moaned in blissful mediocrity. "I've never felt so average before."

"Me too," she smiled, tussling his hair. "Not a thing in the world can ruin this rather adequate moment right now."

He began thrusting in and out of here, eager to feel more of this very mundane feeling. He went in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then in and out, then… in and out.

She moaned through it all, causing Jaune to worry that she was getting bored. He started pulling funny faces to try and fix that, which he got a slap for later.

They picked up the pace, going faster than before. Their bodies were sweatier than a fat guy jogging. The air in the room was thick with the smell of love making, like some kind of sexual gas chamber.

Indeed, a butler came in to see what all the noise was about, only to pass out from the orgy fumes.

The two were like animals, wild and unfocused. The bed creaked and collapsed under their actions, the lien flying out the window and landing at a local charity, who were very grateful for the surprising donations.

Undeterred with their love nest breaking, they continued to ravish each other until the floorboards started to creak. Eventually they too gave way, having the pair fall through the floor and onto the dining room table. The people sitting there were horrified - they're dinner ruined because of two people boinking on the table - and left in disgust.

Jaune grabbed her breasts. He didn't really know what to do with them, so he let go of them. Winter rolled them around so that she was on top this time. Her hair fell down her face and kept getting in his mouth because of this.

The pair had climaxed long ago, but they kinda forgot about it. They continued with their humping activities, mostly because there was nothing better to do. They could try some of the food that was left out, but it was mostly just lamb salad and pappardelle.

You know, rich people shit.

"I love you, Winter," he said, gagging on a few strands of white hair.

Realization hit Winter like a bitch slap. Someone had finally said the words she had been waiting to hear for so long. Her life had finally come full circle, oval and just about any other round shape that existed.

She could finally feel her frozen heart beginning to melt. The warmth of the world made itself known again…

… only trouble was, she found she couldn't stop melting.

She looked at her hands in horror. They were melting and dripping onto the floor before her eyes. Every part of her body was liquefying.

"Winter, my love!" Jaune cried out in horror, kicking the melting woman off his manhood. He didn't want lady water getting all over him. "What is happening to you!?"

"I… I think I understand, Jaune," Winter whispered sadly. "I've been so frozen to the rest of the world, I had forgotten what warmth felt like. My body can't cope with it, so your love is melting me."

"No!" Jaune wept. "I won't let this happen. We were supposed to have a future together. We'd get married, have a bunch of kids, build a white picket fence around our house. You know, the dream! Don't want the dream, Winter?"

"Of course I want the dream, Jaune," she smiled softly through her melting face. "But dreams are for sleepyheads, and it's time for me to wake up."

Her body started to deflate and sag like a bouncy castle after some shit kid pops it with a pin. Jaune tried to hold on to her as best he could, but his happy future was quite literally slipping through his fingers.

"No, this can't be happening," he sobbed. This was sadder than the time he had dropped his ice-cream on the floor when he was a kid. It was hot as balls that day, and he didn't get another one.

His mother had bought him some broccoli instead, that bitch.

"Goodbye Jaune," she bubbled. "Remember me as I was, but not as I am now." With those parting words, her face disappeared into the puddle that was now her body."

Jaune wept for two hours over the loss of his love, then another hour for that ice-cream he had lost. Once done though, he held his head up high, his eyes burning with determination.

"I will live on for you, my love," he said confidently, looking down at the puddle with conviction. "You may be a stain on the floor, but you'll never be a stain in my life."

He saluted the soggy remains of his love, then began to leave the dining room, ready to live on how she would have wanted.

But not before accidentally slipping on her and landing on his back.

The End

[/]

The three girls stared down at the book, barely comprehending what they just read.

For once, complete silence filled Team RWBY's room. The rest of the world was shut off to them as they looked at the pages in silent horror.

Yang's fingers trembled a bit, before she dropped the book onto the floor, landing with a soft thud on the carpet.

It was then that all hell broke loose.

"What the hell was that!?" Yang cried.

"My sister…" Weiss whispered. "She wrote about my sister… doing that with… with…"

She didn't finish the sentence, instead rushing to the toilet to puke away the impure memory.

"I feel like I've just aged ten years," Ruby moaned. "Who knew Blake was capable of stuff like this? Guess it's true what they say about being careful of the quiet ones."

"That was… just… oh my God, that was awful," Yang cried. "Isn't Blake supposed to be a bookworm? How can she churn out such crap? And why'd she use people we know as characters!?"

"Maybe she's written one about us too. Here, let me check."

Yang pulled the book away from Ruby. "Oh no, this thing doesn't get opened ever again, Ruby. I mean there's filth, and then there's… this! I mean, surely she knows how bad it is, right?"

"Well, we can't say that to her. We're not supposed to be reading it, remember?"

"I know, I know." Yang looked down at the book and shuddered. "Sheesh Blake, you're a weird little kitty, aren't you?"

Weiss emerged from the toilet, looking a lot paler than usual.

"When I see that dirty little feline again, I'm going to make her heel!" Weiss shouted.

"You can't, otherwise she'll know we read it."

"Who cares? She's writing porn - really bad porn, as well - about our friends. Maybe even us too. Don't you want an explanation for that!?"

"Yeah, it's kinda weird," Yang murmured. "But it feels even weirder asking her about it."

"Not to me it doesn't! I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind when I next see her. How dare she write that kind of debauchery about my sister and that bufoo-"

A noise behind them had interrupted their train of thought. They looked behind them, to see Team JNPR standing in the doorway.

"Uh, are we interrupting something?" Jaune asked the trio.

After what they just read, they could barely look him in the eye.

Was it good for you?

Anyway, this is more of a side story if anything. I'll only update it every now and then, as sort of a mini hobby on the side. My two main stories still require my attention, so they will always come first. That being said, I will write more of this when an idea comes.

I hope you enjoyed this for what it was worth xD