"Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so." -- John Donne
PROLOGUE: Release
Well. It was decided. For the briefest of instants, I remained in the dark, dank space, clutching the tiny silver phone in my hand. I was mildly surprised at the emotion that coursed through my body; surprised because I had felt not much but emptiness for the past few months, and surprised because even had I expected an emotion to come coupled with my decision, it would not have been this emotion.
Ah, but what exactly was I feeling? Anger? Nervousness? Excitement?No sane human would feel excited to finally hang up his trifle of a life and walk voluntarily toward death. Then again, I was hardly normal, and I certainly was not human. I named the strange feeling excitement, then, and my focused my energy on the exact steps I would have to take next.
This entire thought process took perhaps two seconds, and I knew the next thoughts would take an even shorter interval. After all, I had spent more than enough time plotting out the path I would follow as soon as I heard those fateful words. And now that she, now that my everything had left me and gone to the only irretrievable place in the universe, it was only a matter of taking the first step toward my last.
There would be repercussions to my actions, of course. I had considered them, weighed them, hardly ceased thinking about them. I had spent time grieving them—my family, my friends. It seemed foolish to say I would "miss" them, for being able to say I "missed" someone would imply that I was capable of feeling anything, something that had not been true for many months now. But it did… pain me to think of my brothers and my sisters. To think of Esme. Was Rosalie right? Did Esme really love me beyond all the others, or was that just Rosalie's jealous vanity clouding the truth again? Regardless, this shock would hit my mother hard. Almost too hard. And Carlisle. Carlisle, who I looked up to more than anyone. Carlisle, who I loved more than anyone. Anyone except her, of course. Anyone except my Bella. My Bella who was now gone. Yes, the repercussions would hurt my family and pain those whom I loved. But this remorse would not cloud my decision, would not deter my course.
Inexplicably, the lyrics to a Paul Simon song flashed through my brain. I did not have the mental fortitude to consider why I thought of them, or what part of my brain had dredged up this particular tune. I was bemused and also disappointed that one of my final thoughts would be from the better half of Simon & Garfunkel instead of someone respectable like Goethe or Rilke, but now was not the time for such matters. Instead, I let the words pass through my subconscious: I am heading for a time of quiet, when my restlessness is past… The obscure song nagged at me, pulled my thoughts back to a place they didn't want to go: the future. What would happen once my grand plan was in motion? Where exactly was I heading? I knew Carlisle and I had different opinions on this matter, and I knew that my thoughts were infinitely bleaker. A time of quiet? Perhaps. Regardless, it was over. I was ready to leave.
Somehow I made my way to Rio de Janeiro's main airport. The noise of it hit me hard—I had nearly forgotten what it was like to be surrounded by throngs of humans and the accompanying low din of hundreds and hundreds of thoughts. I smiled ruefully as I cursed the year I had spent learning Portuguese—without it, these thoughts would be nothing more than music to me, humming along in a foreign key. Instead, I was bombarded with messages of love, of welcome, of goodbye. It was nearly overwhelming. But I had spent enough time numbing my senses that it was easy enough to tune them out as soon as I got my mental bearings.
My feet traveled of their own accord to the nearest ticket counter, and in a matter of minutes, I was booked on a series of flights from Rio to Florence. First class all the way, because why not travel in comfort when you're on your way to certain death?
Waiting for life at human speed used to be an interminable chore. How funny, then, that I was now waiting for death, and was strangely unperturbed by it? I would use this time to cycle through the manifold options for my demise, always keeping care not to finalize my choice for fear that Alice would see my future and foolishly try to avert it.
Another pitiful chuckle escaped my frozen lips as I thought about my pixie of a sister. I felt a brief pang of guilt at the terror this must be causing her, but the moment soon passed. It was nothing more than a flash in the pan, as fleeting as the final moments of my life would be. Certainly they had known this was coming.
I became vaguely aware of the time as I mentally calculated the number of seconds I had left to live. It was an estimation, of course—I had no idea when exactly the Volturi would choose to destroy me. Yet the number seemed so concrete to me. It was nice to know that I would only be forced to remain in this tortured waste of an existence for a finite amount of time, and I was content to watch the seconds tick away in my mind.
My eyes flashed down to my ticket to see which gate would be the first of a series on the path to my hell. As I glanced at the paper in my hands, I noted the date, and barked out yet another disturbing laugh: I would arrive in Volterra just in time to stage my final act on Saint Marcus Day. There was a sort of beautiful, haunting irony to it all.
My thoughts shifted from place to place as I took my seat on the 747. I lingered on some of my favorite memories: Bella in our meadow, Bella at the prom, Bella on her birthday, before the terrible incident had happened… The captain's voice over the loudspeaker cut into my reverie, but soon enough we were in the air and I leaned back into the leather seat, my mind quiet, waiting for my release…
Author's Note:Well, since we're all waiting with bated breath to see if Midnight Sun will ever be resumed, I decided to take matters into my own hands and explore Edward's world for a while. Don't really know what will come of it, but I hope you enjoy!