The Snarky Sidekick Contest
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Charlaine Harris and Alan Ball
This Story is my entry to the Snarky Sidekick Contest. It is quite different from the other stories I have written but I tried to have fun with it anyway.
A very big thank you to AllAboutEric for kindly Betaing the story for me.
This story is based mainly on Alan Ball's TrueBlood and is set after Bill, Sookie and Eric return from Dallas.
"Apparently Bill hasn't had sex with anyone else since he's been with her; she must be quite energetic." Pam was leaning in the doorway filing her nails as her boss, master and friend Eric Northman flicked through some paperwork on his desk. Teasing Eric about his interest in Sookie Stackhouse had become Pam's favourite past-time. Though she was actually a little concerned by just how much interest her master seemed to be showing in the little telepathic waitress.
"Pam why would I be interested in Bill Compton's sex life?" said Eric in a bored voice, but Pam knew him well enough to detect the slight edge. She persevered, knowing she was on track.
"I wasn't discussing Bill's sex life, I was discussing Sookie's and I know you are very interested in that. You practically drool every time she is mentioned, you're like some kind of Pavlovian dog."
"I do not drool. I have never drooled." Eric gave her a sharp look then returned to his work and uninterested façade. "I find her interesting, that is all. Plus, she has great tits." He finally flashed his child a grin.
"I did enjoy pulling vampire out of her cleavage. Though I dare say you would rather be putting vampire in her cleavage?"
"Her cleavage is only one of the places I can think of putting vampire when it comes to Sookie Stackhouse." Eric's eyes brightened slightly and Pam raised an eyebrow at him.
"Yes, it seems you think of little else these days, it's pathetic. Honestly Eric, why don't you just fuck her little brains out already? I'm sure she'd thank you for it."
"She is Compton's, and Sookie must be handled carefully, she is different from other humans." Eric flicked open his phone, and began watching the screen carefully while his fingers danced across the buttons.
"I am sure Bill is handling her very carefully, probably right at this moment," mused Pam, calling up her own pleasant image of the girl.
"Pam, you are on thin ice."
"Oh well, I guess I'll just go see Yvetta, I hear she feels you've been neglecting her. Perhaps you've lost your touch."
"Pamela." Eric was looking with serious focus at his phone but Pam knew what he was really doing.
"Bill Compton is getting jiggy with the hot little blonde, while you are sitting here playing with yourself. I could die of shame."
Eric flicked his phone in her direction and it smashed against the wall over her head. Pam didn't even flinch, and just looked at the mess with a laugh. Now he didn't even have Tetris to distract him.
It always amused her when he sat on his throne tapping away. The fang-bangers, and even the other vampires, assumed he was answering e-mail or texting when in fact he was playing one of the many games he was always downloading. Looking at the remains of the phone on the floor she tutted and then raised an eyebrow. "Sexual frustration?"
"Out, Pam."
She picked up the sim card from the wreckage and walked over to his desk. Opening the bottom drawer, she pulled out a new phone and handed both to him. "Try to make this one last more than a night will you? Seriously, if you don't fuck her soon I'm buying shares in Apple."
"It is only a matter of time now; she has my blood in her."
"I still can't believe it, all that time in Dallas and your blood was all you managed to get in her?" There was some genuine incredulity behind Pam's teasing. What girl in her right mind would choose Bill Compton over Eric?
"I was focused on other things Pam. On Godric." There was a slight growl to his voice and Pam knew to stay away from the subject of Godric. She knew he still grieved. She also knew it was something he didn't want to share. She pulled his mind back to Sookie.
"Yes because sticking your dick in a hick takes so much concentration. Clearly men really do think with their penises." She put her hands on her hips. Her maker's failure to seduce Sookie was something Pam took somewhat personally, as if it reflected badly on her somehow.
"Pam." Eric had put his feet up on the desk and was now setting up his new phone.
"Yes?" She asked a little more cautiously. His tone of voice had changed slightly and Pam wasn't sure in what direction his mood had shifted.
"Credit card." He held out his hand. Pam looked a little worried, finally.
"What?"
"My credit card. I want it back," he said, still holding out one hand but not looking up from the phone he was continuing to program to his liking.
"But ..." Pam knew she had gone too far and was trying desperately to think of a way to back-track.
"Pam. Du hörde vad jag sa," he commanded. She had to comply. He was through playing for now.
"Fine," she grumbled as she pulled a credit card out of her bra and passed it to her master.
"You suck," she added, sulkily. She knew he would forgive her soon enough.
"Speaking of." Eric flicked his eyes at her and she smiled. Well that's more like it, she thought.
"Flavour?" she asked politely.
"Surprise me." Eric was still engrossed in his new phone and entrusted Pam to find someone suitable.
The shock showed on Eric's face when five minutes later Pam returned with none other than Sookie Stackhouse. He was in the middle of changing and was wearing only jeans.
"Well this is a surprise." He raised his eyebrow at Pam.
"As requested," said Pam flashing a smile at Eric, who was clearly trying to work out what was going on. "But Sookie insisted on speaking with you first. Would you like me to hold the first course? I'm sure I can find a way to keep it warm for you."
"That will do Pam." Pam pressed her lips together to indicate obedient silence but didn't leave the room. Eric moved to the front of his desk, perching in front of Sookie who was trying, and failing, not to look at his bare chest.
"Are you going to put a shirt on?" she asked.
"No."
"Why not?"
"I'm about to have dinner."
"Do you always eat half naked?"
"No. I usually eat fully naked," he replied, indicating much more with his look than his words.
"Oh. Ew!" Sookie wrinkled her nose as she took in his meaning. Eric and Pam laughed.
"What can I do for you, Miss Stackhouse?" Eric asked.
"I can think of several things," said Pam, running her eyes over Sookie.
"EW!" said Sookie more forcefully, looking at Pam, who returned the look with a meaningful one of her own. Sookie took another step away from her. "There's a V dealer in your bar." The girl said turning back to Eric. Both Eric and Pam stiffened their posture.
"You're sure?" said Eric looking livid.
"No. I thought I'd come in here just to fuck with you," sassed Sookie.
Eric smirked and slunk towards Sookie. Sookie, realising her mistake, began to back up but moved straight into Pam.
"So when you say 'you', with whom were you planning to fuck?" Pam asked, brushing her hand over Sookie's butt making the girl jump away from her. Pam laughed again. Eric was torn between stalking Sookie and irritated amusement with Pam.
"Look, I've no time for this, I came in here to help you out. Bill's in the bar keeping an eye on him but the dealer could leave at any moment," said Sookie desperately, her eyes flicking between the two hungry-looking vampires who were watching her carefully.
"What did you hear?" asked Eric softly. He was still looking at her with an intense desire but he had stopped moving forward, so Sookie stood a little straighter and reported.
"He's here to scope out vamps. Looking for an easy target. He's part of a team of five. They aren't planning on doing anything at the bar, it's just a fishing trip, but I thought you'd want to know." Eric was running his tongue over his lips and his eyes over her body while she was speaking. Sookie frowned at him. "However, if you're not interested, I'll keep it to myself next time."
"Pam, go speak to Bill. Do not alert the dealer to his soon-to-be-dead status. I want them all." Eric didn't break his gaze from Sookie. Pam grinned happily and set off to the bar.
"Eric, you cannot kill him, we made a deal, remember?" Sookie was saying as Pam left.
"Why, hello William. Lost something?" Pam drawled, standing beside Bill's table.
Bill went to stand but Pam held him down with her hand on his shoulder and rolled her eyes.
"Oh relax, she is perfectly safe. She's with Eric."
"We clearly have very different concepts of perfectly safe," Bill said coldly.
"Don't worry Billy-boy, he may fuck her to within an inch of her life, but I don't think he'd actually kill her," said Pam, looking round the bar in a bored way. Bill tried to get up again but once more Pam pushed him down.
"Don't make a spectacle of yourself. Now which one is he? And try to be subtle for a change."
"Red T-shirt, blue jeans, brown ear-length hair, by the bar, next to the woman with the string vest on," said Bill not looking in that direction.
"That thing in the vest is male. Really, Bill, no wonder Sookie is so snappy all the time. How is she ever going to be satisfied if you can't even tell the difference between a cock and a cunt?" Pam said distractedly, watching the dealer.
Just then Eric came out wiping blood from his lips with a single finger which he then sucked clean as he headed to his throne. A moment later Sookie came from the same direction looking flustered, her eyes searching for Bill. Bill ran over to her and pulled her out of the club by her elbow. Pam went to stand behind Eric.
"I don't believe for a moment she actually let you taste her," Pam muttered, still watching the dealer.
"Of course not; I had my starter when she went to tend to her human needs. But the fact that Bill thinks she may have is very promising. Now, where is our new toy?"
"Over there, red t-shirt." she indicated with little more than a flick of her eyelid. It was enough. "So are you going to honour your 'arrangement' with the human?"
"Of course. The men will be handed over to the proper authorities as per our agreement." Pam looked at him in shock.
"You cannot be serious Eric! They are V dealers! Drainers!"
"I never said when they would be handed over. I will not kill them as I promised not to, but they will wish I hadn't made that promise before they meet the police."
"I do like that you are a man of your word," said Pam with an evil grin.
"Go back to the door and get his licence plates when he leaves."
Pam headed off.
"Pam." Sookie's greeting was not impolite, but far from enthusiastic as she opened the door to the vampire two nights later. Pam was busy looking over the outside of the house.
"Your house needs painting," she said matter-of-factly.
"I don't see that it is any of your business," said Sookie defensively.
"Actually it is. I am here on behalf of Eric. He has requested I bring you to Fangtasia so he can proposition you. The money you earn could pay for the work you need doing. I simply meant to point out that agreeing would be advantageous to you." Pam's tone was casual as she continued to gaze at various areas of flaking paint.
"Excuse me? I am not some sort of … of … what do you mean proposition?" Pam laughed that her words had gotten the response she'd hoped for.
"Really Sookie. When Eric finally fucks you he will not be paying for it. He is prepared however to pay for your other skill."
"He still hasn't paid me for the last job I did for him," said Sookie, sulkily crossing her arms.
Pam retrieved a cheque from her purse.
"Here."
Sookie looked at the cheque.
"This isn't the amount we agreed."
"Well Eric always gives a woman more than she expects. He's well known for it. I have to say, I've never known one to complain about it before."
"I wasn't complaining. I was just surprised, is all," said Sookie, valiantly ignoring the double entendre. "You'll thank him for me?" she asked, a little uncertain. Pam could tell she was more pleased with her bonus than she wanted to let on.
"I am sure you can find a way to thank him yourself when we get to Fangtasia." Sookie opened her mouth to rebut but then thought better of it. Pam smiled charmingly at her.
"I need to call Bill," Sookie said, suddenly turning towards the phone.
"What for?" The vampire's voice was dripping with disdain and it stopped Sookie in her tracks. "There isn't anything we need from him. Though I suppose we could use him as bait." Pam's eyes lit up at the idea. Sookie was clearly torn between wanting to take Bill with her and not wanting him to be used as bait for the drainers. Pam was pleased, this now being a win-win situation for her. Eric would be very happy if she was able to bring Sookie without Bill which would probably regain her access to his credit card, or she would get to play with Bill a little, which, in the absence of shopping, would provide a fun distraction.
As Sookie dithered over calling Bill versus not calling Bill, Pam inspected herself in a small compact. When Sookie still hadn't made a decision a minute later, Pam rolled her eyes at the girl and closed her mirror with a snap.
"Your services are only required because you insist we don't kill the humans. Eric thought you would want to ensure those we … hand over to the police are actually guilty, and for that we need you to read them. We could just torture the truth out of them, if you prefer not to be involved." Pam had suggested this course of action but Eric had seen an opportunity to call in the telepath so here she was.
"Fine. I'll come," said Sookie, giving in as Pam had known she would. "But you just remember I'm Bill's."
"You say that like it's something to be proud of." Pam curled her lip. "Come on, let's go before I give in to my desire to simply drain you and be done with it." Sookie looked startled as Pam stalked back to her car, but after a moment she followed. However, once off the porch Sookie headed to her own car with a defiant look at Pam. She wanted to be able to leave if necessary. Pam laughed and set off down the driveway leaving the girl to follow her.
A while later Pam was drumming her fingers on the dashboard of her Range Rover as Eric fiddled with the buttons on her stereo.
"Do not mess with my radio settings. Last time you left it on a country and western station, and I had to listen to some man whining about a woman that left him for a full minute before I was able to reprogram it," Pam complained.
"You need a better stereo. This one doesn't have a USB port or bluetooth," Eric remarked continuing to press buttons and ignoring her glare.
"Good. I have no desire to listen to Christoffer Christian Karsten singing Adonis while hearing, yet again, how the opéra-ballet was inspired by you." Pam was pleased to see Eric returning his Ipod to his pocket.
"Thomas Walter was impressed by my …"
"I know, Eric."
They were sat outside a coffee shop that, among its other patrons, contained a group of eight men, five of whom they believed were the drainers. Eric had sent Sookie in to listen and identify the ones involved, while he and Pam stayed out of sight. They had brought Pam's car as Eric refused to fold himself into Sookie's and his only had two seats.
They could see Sookie sitting inside, nursing a coffee cup, a short way away from the group of men. She had a Dear Abby article in front of her that Pam had given her as a prop seeing as she would be sitting alone. Pam had purposely picked a story about a woman with an overprotective boyfriend, where Abby advised her to watch out for the signs of an abusive partner. The columnist recommended the girl end the relationship if more than one thing on a list of behaviours described her boyfriend. Pam knew that Bill was guilty of nearly everything listed.
Eric and Pam had been sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes when they started ignoring the fact that Bill was now stood by Pam's door glaring in at them. When they didn't react to his presence he tapped impatiently on her window. Pam and Eric shared a look before she turned the key and pushed the button to open the electric window.
"Bill. Loitering in parking lots now? If you are in need of companionship, I'd be happy to recommend some fangbangers that are known for not being too fussy," she said without looking at him.
"Eric why have you brought Sookie here? What's going on?" he asked, ignoring Pam. Pam just rolled her eyes.
"Bill, your human is here keeping her side of the deal she made with me," said Eric, also not turning his head in Bill's direction.
"Why wasn't I informed?"
"That is between you and her. She promised me her services and I was in need of them tonight. She is listening to the drainers."
"So you just sent her in there alone?"
"Make up your mind Bill. Are you mad because we are with her or because we are not? They are vampire drainers, so I do not see that your human should be in any danger. Also we are watching her from here. She is quite safe, as you can clearly see." Eric's tone remained bored throughout the exchange, while Bill got angrier and angrier.
"Sookie is mine!" The younger vampire growled. Pam yawned loudly and hit Bill with the door of the car as she opened it and stepped out.
"I'm going to stretch my legs before your stuck-record bleating makes me want to stake myself," she said, shutting the door behind her.
"Don't you forget what I know about you, Eric." said Bill in a low voice, stepping round Pam to get close to the door she had just exited. Eric dropped his fangs and his hand shot out of the car, grabbing Bill by the throat.
"And don't you forget who you are talking to," said Eric. Without glancing back at them, Pam headed towards the building where she could see Sookie coming out.
"So Sookie. What did you hear from the unwashed vermin within?" She asked casually.
"They have already drained and killed three vampires and they have another one they are planning to drain tonight. They've got him tied up somewhere but I couldn't get where." Pam hissed and even Sookie looked pretty mad about this. "The only ones involved are the three that were playing video games, the one from the bar last night and the one in the Guns and Roses T-shirt. The others don't know about it at all." The girl did seem upset. Pam spotted an opportunity.
"It must have been distressing to listen to. Perhaps I could comfort you?" Sookie stepped back as Pam ran a hand down her arm.
"Where is Eric? I thought he was out here with you?" Pam smiled at the girl's question.
"He is speaking with Bill."
"Bill's here? Why didn't you say? Where are they?" Asked Sookie looking around.
"In my car. Well Eric is, and most of Bill." Pam laughed and nodded her head to her car which was parked a little way away with a pair of legs hanging out of the driver's window kicking the air uselessly.
"What is he doing?" said Sookie in alarm, ready to head over there.
"Relax. Eric knows better than to risk getting blood on my upholstery." Pam shot out a hand to hold Sookie still. "Bill, if you scratch my paintwork you are paying for it." Pam said slightly louder but still not much above conversation level.
"How did Bill even know we were here?"
"Clearly he's stalking you. He arrived not long after you went inside, and demanded to know what you were doing here. Why you hadn't called him. And why one of us wasn't inside with you. Is he always so clingy and needy? Such qualities are unattractive in humans; in a vampire they are pathetic. You know Abby warns that this type of behaviour can indicate a man is abusive." She grabbed the article from Sookie's hand and began to read.
"Let's see, number one, 'Pressures the partner for exclusive commitment almost immediately'. How long had you known Bill when he first declared you were his?"
"Pam. That was because of Malcolm and the others."
"Uh huh. Number two." She pushed on loudly over Sookie's protests "'Is jealous.' Well we know that's true of Bill. 'Calls constantly or visits unexpectedly.'" She looked over at the legs still hanging out of the Range Rover then back at Sookie with raised eyebrows before continuing. "Number three, 'Is controlling, insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.'" Pam spoke with huge significance in her voice. Then added casually "Didn't Bill also try to tell you that you couldn't go to Dallas?"
"He didn't mean …"
"Number four, 'Isolates. Accuses people who are your supporters of causing trouble.' Hmm, I'm guessing that's what he's been saying about me and Eric?" She went on without waiting for an answer, though. She was genuinely interested in the response to the next one. "Number five, 'Playful use of force during sex, enjoys throwing you down or holding you down.'" she looked at Sookie expectantly and was surprised to see the girl blush. "Really? I didn't think he had it in him. Perhaps he's not a complete waste of space after all," Pam said speculatively, looking towards her car again. "Well whatever. It is clear. We are not even half way through the list and yet so far Bill shows all the signs of an abusive boyfriend. Abby would definitely tell you to break up with him immediately," Pam concluded happily, handing the paper back to Sookie as proof.
"He worries about me, that's all. I told you I should have called him." She definitely looked unhappy, though, and Pam had to hide her gleeful smile.
"And I told you he would be useless. Besides don't you think it's a little over the top that you have to call him just to go to a coffee shop?" Bill's legs were still hanging out the car but they had finally stopped kicking.
"This is hardly an innocent drink with girlfriends, Pam. I wonder what Dear Abby would say about hanging out with the local vampire sheriff and his lecherous lesbian sidekick?" Sookie went on the attack but Pam just smiled at her, showing fang.
"That would be something to read. Shall we write to her?"
"I need to go check on Bill."
"Fine. I have no interest in listening to Eric and Bill compare dick sizes when I already know Eric's is bigger. I will keep an eye on our friends."
Pam watched drainers, who were still inside, as Sookie went first to the driver's door, where she was nearly kicked by Bill, and then to Eric's door. Pam could see Eric leaning across towards the human girl. As Bill did not move she gathered Eric still had a hold of him. Suddenly the drainers stood and came out to the parking lot. Saying goodbye to their friends the five men Sookie had identified headed round the side of the building where they all piled into a transit van. Pam glanced back to her Range Rover. Sookie was now leaning in the passenger side window and she caught the slightly raised tones of Bill. Shaking her head at the three of them, Pam looked again at the transit van then sadly at her skirt. It was new, and cream. This was not going to be good for it.
"Eric, you had better reimburse me for this." she muttered. And with a silent leap she landed on the top of the transit as it pulled out onto the road.
The van drove through the town with Pam perched calmly on the top her feet tucked delicately under her. She glanced at her hands to see that they were filthy. Taking a tissue from her pocket she started to wipe them off, shaking her head at the muck. A short while later the van pulled into the empty lot of an abandoned warehouse. The humans were talking loudly as they clambered out of the van.
"Let's get this vamper drained quick so we can dispose of him. I reckon we can get us another one from that bar Chad checked out."
"Yeah this one's pretty small, not sure how much we'll get out of him." Four of the drainers were walking together towards the warehouse while the fifth was still doing something inside the van.
"Hey Chad, didn't you say there was a big blond vamper in that bar?"
"Yeah, must have been 6'4, 6'5 easy."
"Bet a vamper that size would have a lot of blood in him."
Pam had to laugh at the idea of these morons trying to drain Eric. The four near the warehouse looked up at the sound.
Pam smiled at them, stood gracefully and with a light step hopped down from the top of the van.
"You need to wash your van. My skirt is completely ruined. These stains will never come out," she said glancing at the back of her skirt. The drainers were frozen in shock at her presence. "Still, at least I don't have to worry about getting blood on it now."
"Blood?" Asked one of the drainers genuinely confused. These really weren't the brightest sparks. Pam popped her fangs out and looked at them hungrily. The confusion quickly turned to fear as they took in her meaning. The four of them spread out in front of her. Two had knives. One was swinging a rope and the last had a silver chain. Calmly, Pam twisted her hair up and, pulling a clip from somewhere, fixed it to the top of her head and then winked at the men.
The fifth man, the one that had still been in the van, was approaching her slowly from behind with another silver chain. Thinking she didn't know he was there, he held his finger to his lips to tell his buddies not to give him away. Making a loop with the chain he came as close as he dared before trying to throw it over her. Pam moved too quickly for them to see. Avoiding the chain she reappeared behind the fifth drainer and put her arm around his throat. He dropped the chain.
"Now didn't your mother ever teach you manners? You should at least treat a girl to dinner before you tie her up." Said Pam pulling his head to the side and sinking her fangs into his neck.
The other drainers rushed forward.
"Hold on Kenny!" one yelled. Pam lifted her head and blood poured down Kenny's shirt. Grabbing him under the armpits, she lifted him slightly and spun on her heels. Kenny's legs flew out, catching each of his buddies in the jaw or head. All four of them fell to the floor in one smooth movement.
"Now now, boys. So impatient. Don't worry, I intend to make time for each and every one of you." She looked into the eyes of the one she had bitten.
"Stay." His face went instantly blank with glamour. "Good boy." She patted him on the head then went to tie the rest of them all together with the length of rope one of them had been swinging around. A sound came from the van behind her. After making sure the four men were secure, she went to the back of the transit and opened the doors to find a young male vampire chained with silver. He was lying on his face and had clearly just rolled off the bench along one side. Probably about twenty when he was turned, which was not that long ago, he was wearing a plaid shirt and a sweater-vest over brown corduroy pants. Pam wrinkled her nose at the sight and smell inside the van.
"Well what have we here?" she sighed at the boy. "I've half a mind to leave you. You deserve to be chained in silver for that outfit," she said, eyeing his clothes. "Now, if I let you out you must promise me never to shop at JC Penney again. Whatever kind of mommy-dressed whining pansy-ass you used to be is dead. If you don't want to join him I suggest you wise up. You are vampire. Learn it, live it." The boy nodded enthusiastically. But she got the impression he'd agree to wear nothing but a mankini from now on if it meant she would untie him. She rolled her eyes at him and muttered, "pathetic", but pulled on some gloves and untied him. As the boy-vampire started to scramble out of the back of the truck she turned back to the glamoured human.
"You. Over here." he came to stand before her. "On your hands and knees." He immediately adopted the position she requested.
"W…what are you going to do to him?" asked the young vampire.
"Fix that. Vampires do not stutter. If you are unsure of what you are going to say, stay silent. As for what I am going to do to this blood-bag, nothing. Yet. My shoes are pinching." She sat casually on the man, crossed her legs, pulled a nail file out of her pocket and started filing. A moment later Eric fell from the sky and landed beside her.
"You missed it," she said, without looking up from her nails.
"So I see. You couldn't wait?" Eric looked around at the tied-up drainers and the young vampire who was now watching the sky warily as if expecting more falling vampires.
"I could have. I chose not to," said Pam simply.
Eric looked at the vampire Pam had saved. "What is your name?"
"Dave."
"Dave?" Pam rolled her eyes and yawned.
"You can go Dave," said Eric.
"Oh, uh, OK." Dave looked a little confused but started to leave.
"Oh and Dave." Pam called after him, he turned back to look at her. "Do try not to be such an embarrassment to our kind in future."
"Yes Ma'am. And I'll do what you said, too." He nodded to her and then left quickly. Eric had started laughing when Dave called Pam Ma'am but stopped and gave her a questioning look at the boy's parting comment.
"I gave him some fashion advice," she explained.
"He looked like he needed it."
"Exactly. He looked worse than you in the Seventies."
"I liked the flares."
"The flares were not the problem. That beaded shirt and the handbag you made yourself were a little much though." Pam raised an eyebrow at Eric.
"I told you never to mention that again Pam. I was under the influence of the blood of an extremely spaced-out flower girl."
"If you replace my skirt I'm sure I will lose all memory of it. If not I believe I have photos somewhere."
"You wouldn't dare." Pam just smiled at him.
A few nights later Eric called Pam into his office after he returned from dropping off the drainers to be discovered, thanks to an anonymous tip, by the authorities. The men would be found trapped naked in their van having locked themselves in by mistake, something they all clearly remembered doing. Eric and Pam had both had some fun with them over the last few nights and ensured that the days had been the longest and most uncomfortable any of the men ever had or would experience. Though they had been careful to leave no marks.
"You did well the other night. I owe you an apology."
"What for?"
"I shouldn't have allowed myself to be distracted."
"It was only five humans, Eric."
"Five drainers Pam. Who had already killed three vampires. " He looked at her, allowing his affection for his progeny to show. She shrugged unperturbed.
"Three vampires who were not me. Though the humans were a little better prepared than I expected. I actually chipped a nail." She curled her fingers over to inspect her nails, though the damage had been long since repaired.
"I didn't realise. Perhaps I should have got you a better gift."
"Gift? Wait, it had better not be another piece of crap from the home shopping network that you got without checking what it actually was." She looked sceptically at him.
"It's not my fault 'The Book of Pretty Pussies' was not what it sounded like. Why would anyone make a book with pictures of cats in it anyway? But no it's not." He put a shoe box on his desk.
"Oh Eric, you didn't!" she said with genuine enthusiasm.
"Well I owed you a pair after your others got ruined." She opened the box to reveal a pair of leopard print leather pumps. "I know you don't usually go for animal print but these are made with genuine wereleopard leather and are suppose to be very comfortable," he said admiring them.
"How do they keep the carcass in animal form?" she asked, picking out a shoe and running her hands over the leather.
"I didn't ask. Some method that is very expensive judging by the price of the shoes. I may have to mortgage the bar."
"Just because you are prepared to wander around in pieces of rubber held to your feet with plastic, some of us are happy to pay for quality."
"I thought you'd want to replace your skirt yourself." He said holding out his credit card.
She smiled and reached out to take it. At the last second he pulled it back from her reach.
"How is that memory of yours?" he asked, sternly.
"I seem to be suffering from a selective amnesia," she reassured him.
"And the photos?" he demanded.
"Unfortunately did not survive the fire they were thrown into."
"And you will not be using any further souvenirs from the Seventies against me, ever again?" Eric had more than a hint of threat in his voice.
"Absolutely not." She promised sincerely. He finally handed over the card and she smiled winningly as she put it straight in her bra. "Why would I, when there is much better material from the Sixties and Eighties anyway?" She shrugged, then sashayed out his office door closing it behind her on his frozen form. He could hear her laughing all the way out to her car.
A/N: Translation: Du hörde vadjag sa – You heard me.
Dear Abby Article: I have re-arranged the order of the signs somewhat, but the article is genuine.
Thanks to the hosts and judges of the Snarky Sidekick Contest for giving me the chance to try something a little different. I appreciate you guys taking the time to read and score my story.