Tuesday 22 may 2012
Wow, seriously wow. What do I hate myself sometimes. For not being able to let go. For trying to keep what I want. Or need. And nobody that can change it. He can't, I can't. Certainly not Crabbe or Goyle. I made new friends and tried to concentrate on other things. Not that it helped. I would have liked it if it had.
The potions project was disastrous. Really disastrous. Before that I felt reasonably good. Barely saw or spoke to him. The absence I felt the whole year started to ease down a bit. Of course most of my day was all him. But it started to become less and less. En then there was the potions project. Almost constantly near me, the searching, the eye contact. Our conversations in class. Involving me in the making of the potions, showing me what we had to do next. Delightful. To hear his voice again. Actually talking to me. But it strengthened the feeling of absence. A lot. At the end of the project I was almost depressed. We'll look each other in the eye one more time and then what we started to build up again will be gone.
My thoughts are circles. Not daring to talk to him about it there isn't any new information and I keep thinking the same. He doesn't like me anymore. I am a burden. I am often annoying or mean and it is because of that. I'm getting tired because of me. And the constant searching. Until yesterday. How exactly we came to it I don't remember. I was telling him my habits concerning him. The searching, finding, pretending that I don't know he is walking or standing there. Then there was my acknowledgement that I was still in love with him. He didn't understand, he had made it so hard for me. It was because of that he ignored me and why he said that an 'owl friendship' isn't worth a thing for him. He does like me. He thinks I'm sweet. I am no burden. Hoping, no, assuming that these are really his motives. If this too turns out to be false I'll really fall to pieces. I need it for him to like me. And sweet. Because in spite of everything I still look up to him the same way when I first met him. I still think he is very smart, he is very sweet. Now that I know that he acted the way he did was because he tried to help me get rid of the 'why he and not me' feeling, that only got worse. There were moments where I wanted to kill him. But as soon as he did react to me again that apparent hate melted like snow in the sun. That I could let go of course. I just miss those moments in which I felt like I could take on the entire world. As if I was really important, special even! I haven't felt like that in over a year. Now my goal is smaller. I just want to be friends with him again. Nothing less, nothing more. Okay I do want more. But for now that won't be possible. I screwed up back then and now I have to wait and hope and hope and hope that I will ever get a chance again. I can't imagine it. So I'll just stay alone forever. This morning and last evening I just wanted to crawl away in the darkest corner of my room and never come out of it again. But yeah, you have to. Everyone expects you to go to your lessons, come out of the common room. Have fun with your friends and play Quidditch once in a while. When I get back after my lessons, I'll get right back to bed. Unless Hedwig is by my window with a note from him. Oh wow.. He is already more important than my first necessities. This is so going wrong. I just want him to hold me for once and tell me it is all going to be alright. And that I actually believe it. That in that moment it really feels as if everything is going to be alright. As if there isn't more pain and scorn waiting around the corner. That I just feel safe. Is that too much to ask?