Whisper
By: Aleesha
Started: July 23, 2003
Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
Heero was on the edge of insanity. The latest mission had been a particularly dangerous sort and none of the pilots had come out unscathed. However, one pilot had not come out at all...
Duo seemed to get the brunt of the attack every time, but usually that only fueled his fury and he came out victorious. "Death can't die, so what have I got to lose?" became his motto. However; on this mission, the brunt was overwhelming and even Heero doubted he could handle what the braided pilot handled. Duo fought so hard and so long and as a last resort, ran dead into a mine field, taking steps carefully, avoiding what came up on his radar at all costs. In truth, he brought down nearly every OZ soldier that was following, and the ones that were left were too chicken to follow him anyway.
Heero sighed and looked away from his laptop. 'Mission Failed.' He thought. Shaking his head, he looked over to a darkened corner of the room at the safe house he and the braided boy shared. Duo's bed was messed up—as always, as if he were jumping on it and suddenly decided to go get a Popsicle instead. "He probably didn't even know he was injured until it was over." Heero looked back at his laptop and the report he had been typing. Sighing again, he slammed the computer closed and rose to his feet. "This wasn't supposed to happen." He murmured to himself.
This truth drives me into madness
I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away
If I will it all away
Heero went over to sit on Duo's bed. Placing his elbows on his thighs, and his face in his upturned hands, he began to do something then that he had not done since infancy...he began to cry...
Stiffening at the absurdity of it, he straightened once again, but the tears wouldn't stop... Heero had learned the hard way that every thing he loved would be carried away... he couldn't even hold onto death.
"This isn't happening." Heero spat into the darkness. "I can't feel this." And with that, he wiped the offending tears from his face, opened his laptop, and began to type... and he typed for the rest of the night never once looking at the empty bed, never once noticing the chill of loneliness that swept through the room, not noticing even the way his heart beat irregularly, or the way his breathing was labored or how badly his hands were shaking...This indeed was what made him the perfect soldier... He learned to ignore pain...
Don't turn away
Don't give in to the pain
Don't try to hide
Though they're screaming your name
Don't close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
Don't turn out the light
Never sleep, never die
Heero typed all night long, and soon, the sun broke through the drawn curtains, lighting the room. He stood, stretched, cast his eyes downward to avoid any memories that might stir, and walked out of the room and into the hallway. He met Wufei in the hall, and refused to acknowledge the look of sympathy in the usually bad-tempered pilot's eyes. He walked into the kitchen, made a pot of coffee, and leaned against the kitchen counter with his eyes closed.
Trowa wondered in sometime later, poured himself a cup of the black liquid and took his place in the doorway staring outright at Heero.
"How long are you going to deny it, Heero? " He asked, quite out of character. "Have you even turned on the television to see the news reports?" When Heero did not answer, Trowa turned and walked into the sitting room, mug in hand.
Heero heard the TV come on, and listened listlessly to the reporter describing the aftermath of the battle that had killed Death. HIS Death... He was about to tune it out when the reporter came across with some shocking news... "...missing! The body count was at 152 this morning and now one is gone!" Heero's head snapped up, and he glared through the doorway to stare at the man on the other end of the microphone. The TV panned to a long row of corpses... all OZ soldiers... but there, amid them, lay an empty place... and, upon closer investigation, a rosary.
'DUO!' Heero's mind screamed. The news had never seemed so important.
I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know that there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be blinded by tears
I can stop the pain if I will it all away
If I will it all away
Heero moved to stand in the door way, and listened intently. "...Young man seems to have disappeared. Whether the body was stolen, or whether the boy was dead at all remains a mystery..." the reporter was saying. But Heero didn't really hear any of it. 'He's alive.' Was the only thing that resounded through his head. Yet something was holding him back. Fear. He was certain that if they kept talking, Duo's body would show up, and all hope would be lost... yet hope would remain buried deep in the bottom of Heero's heart. The tears came again, and Heero retreated to his room, having heard enough of the report, and not wishing to ruin it by spotting the braided baka's body on the screen in the background.
Trowa and Wufei watched him leave and looked forlornly at one another. "Injustice." Wufei muttered under his breath half heartedly. He knew what it was like to lose a loved one. And in his opinion, no one should have to suffer the way he had...
"Indeed." Trowa acknowledged, and smiled shortly at Quatre who had wandered in about halfway through the report. Quatre returned the look and noted the way the safe house was unusually still. It needed Duo to be complete... just as Heero needed him, for himself to be complete...
Don't turn away
Don't' give in to the pain
Don't try to hide
Though they're screaming your name
Don't close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
Don't' turn out the light
Never sleep, never die
In their room Heero lay face down on his bed, the tears had overwhelmed the perfect soldier, who was not familiar with the grieving process. This unaccustomed and marginally unwelcome burst of emotion was something Heero barely noticed, however, as his mind was wracked with images of Duo, and all the things that could have happened to him...
"Come home." He thought meaning that he needed him more than he would admit to anyone. Next there came the anger... at himself, at Duo, at the OZ soldiers, at the other Gundam pilots... It was irrational and illogical but he felt it anyway, and he let the fury flow unbidden through his veins as he beat the pillow mercilessly.
This continued throughout the day and into the early hours of the evening. The sun had just gone down when the exhausted boy finally let the tears flow relentlessly down his face, not trying to blame them on something else, or someone else, not trying to wash them away with anger and hatred... not trying to make excuses for himself... for the first time in his life, Death had brought him to the edge and with a sigh, he fell blindly into the chasm of mourning...
Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me shall I give in?
Upon my end shall I begin?
Forsaking all I've fallen for I rise to meet the end...
There was an audible thump at the front door of the safe house.
The four boys, who had scattered themselves throughout the house, turned toward it instantly. Heero was out of his room before any could blink an eye in realization and the door was flung open. There, on the front step lay a ragged and battle worn Duo. Death was back.
Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre gathered around Heero as he scooped up the boy and brought him inside. "He's back, how did he get here, he looks so tired, I can't believe he made it back here." Came the comments as Heero took him to the bathroom to try and clean some of the blood and dirt off of him. Duo was nearly unconscious, at least unseeing, as he was carried away.
Heero could not believe his eyes. His Duo had come back from the dead. There was happiness in his heart that washed away the forlorn streak he had been slipping into earlier, yet, that misery was replaced with fear. Duo looked bad... worse than usual for any of the Gundam pilots who'd suffered in battle. Heero knew that there was still a great chance of losing him.
Duo began to murmur incoherently as if he were talking to someone only he could see. That murmur became a plea... that plea became begging as Heero cleaned him up. Heero stopped several times just to watch Duo. He had never seen him quite this delusional before; what or who could he be talking to, Heero wondered. But suddenly, Duo said something as coherent as the day they met: "I'm not going to die yet." --Six words could not have meant more to Heero. He refrained from embracing the boy, and looked him over for any major wounds. A few broken ribs, what looked like a nasty sprain on his left ankle, a few cuts that needed stitches, a gash in his side that was positively horrific, bumps, bruises that were worthy of your worst nightmare, and the appearance of what could have been a concussion.
After fixing bandages over this and that and wrapping his side heavily in gauze, Heero carried Duo to his room and lay him down on the tousled bed. Heero stood there by him for what seemed like an eternity, and when he turned to go, a hand gently caught his wrist. "Wait." Came a gruff voice.
Heero turned to stare at Duo, who, for the first time that evening looked directly into Heero's eyes. "What is it?" He asked cautiously.
"I came back... for you. I fought with the devil and I came back." Duo said and his grip on the Wing pilot's wrist tightened.
"I know you did." Heero said, and noted the tear as it slid down Duo's cheek.
"Stay with me... Here." Duo said and gently pulled Heero down to him... "I want you close to me." He finished and huddled against Heero's lean form.
Don't turn away
Don't' give in to the pain
Don't try to hide
Though they're screaming your name
After a moment, Duo began to speak slow and deliberate. He was going to recount what had happened. "I didn't know I was hurt this badly until it was all over." He said at last –as Heero had suspected. "I lay where I fell for what seemed like forever. All I could think about was how I had to get back to you. And that's when I blacked out... I woke up in the middle of some sort of body count and using what ever it was I had left of strength, I got as far away from it as I could..."
Duo stopped and breathed in sharply as he touched the place in his side that had been bandaged. "...Hurt like hell..." He was saying but Heero wasn't really listening... He knew how bad it was... he himself had been in many a situation like that... it was part of being a Gundam pilot.
"But, Hee-chan I didn't give up... All I could think about was you, and I had to keep going till I got back here..." Duo said, raising his violet gaze to Heero's cobalt blue one... "You've been crying..." he said then, pointing out Heero's involuntary tearful tirade... Heero looked away. "...for me?"
Heero only nodded. "I was afraid I might have lost you..." was the only thing that came out, but the look in his eyes when he met Duo's spoke volumes more.
Don't close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
Don't' turn out the light
Never sleep, never die
Heero nearly drowned in those violet depths, but instead, closed his eyes and brought his lips to Duo's. Duo gasped but welcomed the intimacy, but just as soon as it started, it was over...
"Heero, every time I close my eyes, the horror that we've all suffered through plays like a movie over and over... but when I'm with you... I can sleep in peace... You keep my demons away." And with that... Duo slept.
Heero lay awake for quite a while after that. Thinking over what Duo had said, over what had happened... More than anything, he was glad that he had Duo back in his arms... the only place the braided pilot really ever belonged...
Heero never told Duo, but... it was him that kept the Wing pilot alive. Funny—that. Death keeping the Perfect Soldier from the fires of hell... Heero sighed and shook his head slightly.
Don't turn away
Don't' give in to the pain
Don't try to hide
Though they're screaming your name
Don't close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
Don't' turn out the light
That morning Duo woke alone. He grunted and sat up, clutching his side and wincing at the pain. "I have GOT to find a safer hobby." He muttered and laughed at himself... then stopped and winced... there would be no more laughing for a LONG time he decided then.
"Heero?" he called out, and looking around the room he noted the emptiness... the laptop's screen was glowing at a desk across the room and Duo slowly got up and made his way over to it.
Heero had amended his report... "The five pilots are back and after a recovery period will be good as new." Duo read aloud. He grinned and changed the font color to indicate another person speaking...
"The God of Death is back from Hell!"
Duo grinned to himself and noticed that there was another document open under the report. He brought it up and began to read what seemed like a diary at first, but what he later deduced was a letter... to him.
He sat on the edge of his chair and read intently.
" ...It is funny, when one thinks back on the happenings of these past few years... I have been trained not to die and yet there is someone I would die needlessly for. I have been trained not to feel, and yet I have felt every emotion known to man and have invented a few I am certain. I have been trained not to love at all... and yet I am in love with the very essence of that which I am supposedly a master.
The irony does not stop with the way I feel... Everyone has something to live for... Everyone needs something to live for...And for the longest time, I didn't think I was like the rest of creation... But that was before you... I denied it at first, for fear of being weak and disregarding my training... but through my trials, I have come to realize that my training was incorrect...The doctors turned me into a machine... You turned me into a machine with something to lose... you took my only weakness and fortified it. In truth..."
Duo didn't read any further... he knew he shouldn't be reading at all, but he couldn't help it... the tears stained his cheeks and he buried his face in his hands...
"Death is what keeps me living." A voice spoke softly, finishing what Duo could not. "It's true. Every word of it." Heero said; standing behind the chair Duo was sitting in.
Duo stiffened and spun the chair around to look at Heero. He thought for sure Heero would be mad at him for invading his privacy, but instead, he found playing on Heero's face a rare smile. "You're not mad?"
"Hn." Heero said, his smile becoming more mischievous as he closed in for the 'kill'.
Never sleep, never die...
FIN
© 2003