Goodbye, Goodnight
Ven's POV! :D
I stared at the ceiling and tried to prolong the clock from striking with a fierce stare. I didn't want to wake up today, just like I didn't want to wake up yesterday, and like I won't want to wake up tomorrow. As me, that is.
I wouldn't say I'm the jealous type, but I might be accountable for self-loathing. I guess if a therapist were to tell it to me straight, they'd come to the conclusion of low self-esteem. And it's not even that anymore, low self-esteem sounds like such a normal, down to Earth problem everyone has to deal with, but everywhere I look, it seems as if everyone is better off than I am. Especially Terra. Because he has a perfect life. No joke. Perfect.
First of all, he can remember everything from when he was seven-years-old and onward. I can't remember a couple months ago. He can remember turning eight, and nine, and ten, and eleven, and twelve, and thirteen, and fourteen, and fifteen, and sixteen, and seventeen, and soon eighteen. I don't even know when my birthday is. He's 6'9, I'm 4'11. He's got arms like pythons, I've got arms like toothpicks. The Master treats him like his own son, but he always keeps me at arm's length, as if I'm a dangerous weapon that could explode at any moment. He's almost eighteen, I'm barely fifteen. And on top of all of that, he has her. And what makes it all the more worse? Aqua drools over him every minute of the day, but he either doesn't notice or doesn't care about the way she gazes longingly into his eyes, blushes at him, passionately throws herself at him at any opportunity. She wants to be held, but he shrugs her off. It's terrible. Aqua deserves so much better, but that, again, only reminds me I deserve her even less. And I know she only puts up with me because I'm not as experienced as the rest of them and she kind of pities me because of my memory loss, and I can understand she's only being polite when talking to me, but, still, even with all of those facts, I can't stop loving her - er, well, I don't want to go so far as to say that because I know one day I will have to tear down this fantasy I've built up for myself. That'll be the day Terra realizes just exactly how much Aqua cares about him. A.k.a. the day that music died.
And no matter how hard I try, with every fiber of the being I wish I wasn't, I'll never be older than him, taller than him, stronger than him, I'll never get Aqua or The Master to like me, I'll never get my memories back, and I probably won't ever get the nightmares I keep having about the masked boy to stop reoccuring.
The clock strikes.
I reluctantly get out of the bed, and clumsily descend the stairs to the dining hall. And so begins one of the worst days of my life.
They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, too bad everyone else was earlier than usual. (I refuse to believe I was late.) So, there was only one slice of toast left. I was reaching for it, but Aqua was too. I would've let her have it, honestly I don't really care which meals I eat, I'd skip them all for her, but then, of course, it was Terra.
The one reason I can never hate Terra even though I envy him like crazy, is because he's like the older brother I never had. He's the only one that makes me feel as if I actually do belong on The Land of Departure. And he's really nice. And today, it was that niceness that sabotaged my morning, because if he had never said,
"Ven should have it. He's still growing."
Then Aqua never would've replied,
"Puh-lease, if he was ever going to get any taller, I'm sure he would've done it by now."
My heart dropped, along with my fork, and clattered on the floor.
Without saying another word, I turned around and ascended the stairs back to my room. I could faintly hear Terra scolding her, her apology, and something about a time of the month which I really didn't get.
I know that thought is always present in my mind, always thundering in my ears, but somehow it hurt more spoken aloud. And from her lips. Her sweet, flawless lips were now stained.
I had thirty minutes before morning training began, which I decisively chose to spend in my room, secluded from any other form of life. But then there was a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" I called.
"It's Master Eraqus."
I opened the door.
"Would you…like to go for a walk?" he asked awkwardly. This was Terra's doing, I could smell it in the air. He had told The Master what had happened and to come and see if I was alright.
"No." I tried to close the door, but his foot was in the way, not letting it shut completely.
"Ventus." he eyed me.
"Fine." I replied monotonously.
It was a brief walk, just a quick stroll around the corridors of the castle, but the conversation seemed to take eons. It was only after a couple minutes of silence that he chose to spoke,
"She didn't mean it, you know."
I shrugged.
"She just really wanted the piece of bread."
"And she got the piece of bread, so why are we having this conversation?"
"We're not."
There was silence for a few more minutes.
"I'm worried about you, Ventus."
"Oh?" Is that so? Don't you have better people to worry about? Or do you just want me to apologize for making Aqua upset? Pfft, sure. You're worried.
"Yes. Have you been…having any dreams lately?"
"Yeah. Last night I had a dream I was riding a panda bear through the desert." And the masked boy was there, telling me I had to fight him and my time was up.
"I mean, reoccurring dreams, dreams you may think have some cryptic meanings."
"You mean are my dreams precognitive?" I snorted, "I wouldn't hold my breath." Do you know about that masked boy?
"Well, hmm…" And I noticed during our conversation he tried to stay as far away from me as possible. My head was just screaming if you hate me, just say it to my face, don't beat around the bush. But, of course, as always, my heart was screaming, why don't you like me? Why doesn't anyone? And that's why I hate my heart as well, for making me feel so unwanted and for making me weak, though my mind knows I'm weak with it and without it.
And now, I noticed, he was going faster, as if trying to lose me. It was only at the end of the hall that he realized I had stopped walking. He turned around to see me on the other side of the corridor.
"Ventus?"
I just couldn't take it anymore. I broke out in a run for the complete opposite direction.
I made it back to my room in no time with five more minutes until morning training. I slept away four of them, then spent the other one trying to be on time. I got there with no time to spare.
"All right," Master Eraqus huffed as I didn't dare look him in the eye, "First we'll be doing some drill with…" his voice was drowned out and so was most of the morning. Maybe I was tired, or hungry, or maybe I fell asleep and didn't remember it, but I did remember coming back to the here and now when we had our lunch break. I wasn't very hungry, so I just sat up against the back wall of the castle and tried to fall asleep. A couple seconds in, a red flash crossed my eyes, bringing with it an image of the masked boy dangling Aqua over a ledge by her throat. I screamed, then woke up, only to find Aqua, herself, standing over me.
"Are you okay?"
"Peachy." I assured her through gritted teeth.
She sat down next to me. She started off with apologizing. I smiled and told her it was alright. She sighed and told me I looked tense, then asked me if I had eaten. I told her no. She apologized again. I sighed and bit my tongue before saying she looked beautiful. I asked her if she had eaten. She told me yes.
"You know we have twenty minutes left in our break. You might want to try sleeping again. You look like you could use it."
"I'm good."
"You give me too many things, lately. You're all I need," she began singing. I let my head loll to her shoulder. She ran her hand through my hair, "that's when you came to me and said and said and said…" and with that I fell asleep.
I awoke to a flash of light and laughter. I opened my eyes and an immediate curse rose to my head. Screw you, Aqua. Screw your lovely, lovely, face.
Terra and Aqua were taking pictures. Of me. Sharpies were in their hands and it didn't take long to put two and two together. I ran inside to the bathroom and washed all of the marker off my face, then rushed outside to resume training. We were sparring. Terra and I were up first. A cruel smile rose to my lips. He was going to curbstomp me so hard, but not before I took a good chunk of skin.
"Ready? Set! Spar!" announced Master Eraqus. Now, here, it could be a little intimidating to be trying to beat Terra, what with his lofty size and towering stature, not to mention Aqua and the Master were both cheering for him.
I came at with him all of the strength I had in me and struck him. Or so I thought. It was his keyblade that had taken the hit, to my disappointment. Remember when I said I couldn't hate Terra? Turns out I can.
"Ahh!" I shouted, charging him again. He blocked, then retaliated and flung me in the air and I plummeted down to the ground with immense speed and pain. I spit the dirt out of my mouth as was Master Eraqus heralding the winner. I got up and charged him a third time, this time no one anticipated it because the fight was apparently over. But not to me. I was going to win, no matter how many bones I'll probably break beyond repair.
But he still blocked and I skidded to the ground once again. But of course I challenged him again. I kept thrashing violently, but his controlled movements always sent me flying back. Always.
After ten minutes, Aqua asked me to stop, to which I did not reply. Another minute passed and she piped up yet again,
"You're only going to hurt yourself." She warned with feigned concern.
"I don't care." I grunted as I went back in for another defeat.
"At least cast cure."
"No." I just kept on fighting relentlessly. And what was Terra doing? He wasn't even trying. At all. Tears pricked my eyes, but I blinked them away. I had to beat him, I just had to.
It was sunset and I was still fighting and he was still resiliently unharmed. And it wasn't possible, it just wasn't possible. But I would be here all day if I had to. I would do whatever it takes to just have that. I've given up on the dream of ever being taller than 5'0 or weighing more in muscles than I do in bones or ever having Master Eraqus's approval or Aqua's love or ever remembering my past and after the marker scandal, ever being part of something bigger than myself or just simply belonging or fitting in somewhere. But if I could just beat Terra, just this once…maybe it would make up for all of that. And I couldn't even do that.
But onward, I fought. For hours and hours of being smashed in or pushed around or thrown into the ground or being told by Aqua that I needed to use cure, and then later on cura, and then urgently curaga.
"Enough!" I yelled at her, "Stay out of this!" I kept slashing and slicing, but all I ever hit was air before he knocked it out of me. I wish I could wipe that smug little smile off his face. But I couldn't. I just couldn't.
Finally I just did a suicide attack from the side and he thrashed me into the ground several yards away. And I guess he took that as the fight drawing to a close. He started to walk away from the sparring spot, but I ran up behind him and tried to hit him one last time. Both him and Aqua fought me to the ground and pinned me there. Honestly, either Aqua or Terra could have easily pinned me down by themselves, but I guess they just decided to work like a team. The last thing I saw before I passed out was all the blood squirting all over the place.
When I came to it, I was in the castle's infirmary and Aqua was staring at me with large, cerulean eyes.
"Are you okay?"
"Pfft." I knitted my eyebrows as I closed my eyes and tried to go back to sleep. She shook my arm.
"Master Eraqus told me that after you wake up, you can't go to sleep in your condition or you might go into a coma and if you go into a coma you could–" she stopped in her tracks and dabbed at her eyes. I would swear I saw a glimmer of water, but that was probably just wishful thinking. Aqua wasn't crying for me. She had no reason to. No reason at all. I closed my eyes and attempted sleep. She shook me again.
"Did you hear what I just said?"
"Wha– oh, yeah."
"Do you want to die?"
"Depends, is it painless?" I smiled.
"Ven!" she gasped, admonishing my shoulder with a light slap, almost as if being careful not to hurt my wounds.
"Relax, Aqua. It was only a joke."
Her worried expression did not dissipate.
"Would you stop looking at me like that? I told you it was a joke."
"Why did you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Go against Terra viciously without letting up. You could've killed yourself. I was wondering if that was the point."
"I wanted to beat Terra, but I guess that didn't work out. Gosh, not every spar is a suicide attempt."
"But you just kept going. You refused to cast cure."
"Because he didn't cast cure. It made the fight fair."
"Fair? Fair? In what way was that fight fair? Terra benches 500 pounds and you–" she cut herself off.
"As far as I'm concerned, we're both keyblade wielders who want to be better at what we do. That's a fair fight."
"Ven, you know that's not what I meant. You know what I meant. I don't want to elaborate, but–"
"That's a lie."
"Excuse me?"
"You know what? I guess you're right. It was an unfair fight. Because Terra is blind."
"Sure didn't look that way when he landed you in this hospital bed." she defended her crush.
"Not during the fight. He's oblivious. Just oblivious and it's frustrating and he's just so clueless! Why? I don't understand it!"
"What do you mean?"
"I see the way you look at him. The way you blush around him. The way you stare at him wishfully. I see all of it and he doesn't. I may be short, scrawny, and young, I may never win the approval of Master Eraqus, and I may never regain the memories I forgot, but I feel truly sorry for Terra because he may have it all, but if he doesn't realize the greatest treasure is right in front of his eyes, then everything else amounts to nothing and he's lost, because that precious gift loves him and that's what some people give their lives to find."
There was a pause.
"Ven, I–" she just looked at me with a shocked, almost terrified, expression. Of course, she hates me! I should've remembered that before I went and did something stupid like put my heart on my lips. Stupid, stupid, stupid…
"You can leave me to sleep now." I closed my eyes again.
She shook me back awake.
"I'm sorry, Ven, I like you a lot, you're like my best friend, but–"
"But you have history with Terra, and he's taller, stronger, and older. He deserves you way more than I do. And you have your heart set on him, and that's always a final target. They say you never get over your first love."
"Wow," she gasped, her tone taking a sadistic turn, "It's like you prepared yourself for the rejection speech."
I shrugged.
"I just want you to be happy, Aqua, if that means Terra, I think it's all for the best, really." I smiled timidly.
"So, it was really that obvious?"
I thought, I think if Terra starts looking at another girl, you'll notice. It's only obvious because I pay attention. Because you're all I want to pay attention to. But it came out, "I don't think Master Eraqus noticed, if that's what you're asking."
She stayed up with me to make sure I didn't fall asleep. We talked for awhile.
And that's how I learned the hard way that you never get over your first love. Never, ever.
AN:
Hope I didn't make you all sad or whelm (haha, Robin slang) you guys with Ven insecurity. It's just I'm leaving my current school and next week is my last week and I think, not unlike Ven, I'm learning the hard way you never get over your first love. Well, in my case, friendship, really. And not really my first, but whatevs. That's why I titled this Goodbye, Goodnight, for my awesome friends I'm going to miss. (Based off of the Jars of Clay song I always put in fanfics.) This is really going to be hard and I'm feeling sad, but if I had to go another year at that putrid school I think I'd "over sleep" myself "and then there'd be eight."
~*~Xirg~*~