White walls and green hair. That is all I see anymore.
I used to live a normal life. But that was before I went insane. Before I watch my mother get killed.
But now I'm trapped in a room with white walls... And only HIM to keep me company.
They say he's not really here. They say I caused those bruises on my body. That I am the reason she died. That I killed her.
But I know who really did.
Deep down inside, I know he is not really here. I try to tell myself that when he comes to visit me, but it seems so real.
I'm not sure if I will ever be allowed to leave. I have already been here for four years. The doctors say that I'm getting better. But I still see him. He still haunts my dreams. And someday, he stays even after I wake up.
I try to avoid sleeping. The doctors tell me that I need sleep. That they are just nightmares and that he will not hurt me.
I tell them that is what my mother believed.
They say he can't be here. That he is locked away in a cell in Arkham Asylum, all the way on the other side of town. Sometimes when I watch the news, I see him. His green hair and cruel smile sends chills down my spine. He is always stopped and sent back to Arkham. Once I asked the doctor why he did those things, if he always got caught and sent back to jail.
They told me it was like a game to him.
Sometimes I wonder if I am playing a game. If the doctors and I are in and endless game full of dangerous hallucinations and pointless tests.
The heavy metal door creaked open, filling my almost empty room with noise. I didn't bother to look up from my mess of blankets to see who it was.
"Good Morning Gabby. How are you feeling today?" Dr. Cray was a nice man. Most of the doctors here are. "May I please see your left hand? I need to change the bandages on it."
I sat up and put me left hand out for him to see. The white bandages covering most of my arm were tinted pink from blood.
"Next time he tells you to cut yourself, please try not to listen." Dr. Cray told me as he changed the bandages.
"I'm sorry" I whispered quietly.
"It's okay Gabby, I know you didn't mean to. How about you go take a shower? I'll walk with you to the bathroom." I nodded and stood up from my small bed.
We walked down the empty white hallways towards the bathroom.
"Why are the walls white?" I asked quietly. Dr. Cray stared at me, and for a moment I thought he wouldn't answer. They told me that I asked a lot of questions. When I asked if that was a bad thing, they told me I was showing improvement.
I don't understand why the doctors try so hard to make us better. Dr. Cray tells me he sees improvement in me. But when the doctors are alone late at night I can hear them whispering outside my door. They say that none of us will get better, that we will be here forever. If this is true, then are the doctors just supplying us with false dreams to believe in? Dreams that we will one day be normal? I fear that these dreams will never become our reality. And if all hope for us is lost, then why live at all?
"Different colors promote different emotions, white promotes none. We don't want to force any emotions on our patients, so that is why the walls are white." I accept his answer, even though it is probably just something he made up in an attempt to satisfy me.
When we reach the bathrooms Dr. Cray hands me a towel and an extra pair of clothes. He tells me that he will be right outside if I need him, but I know I will not. I have not taken a shower since I hurt myself. The doctors were afraid that I would try it again with a razor.
But I don't. I take my shower and change into my clothes. I stare at my reflection in the foggy mirror. My blonde hair falls in soft waves down to my ribcage. My blue eyes look broken and dead. I can see that I am very skinny. The doctors tell me I need to eat more, but I do not want to. The food here reminds me of when my mother would cook dinner for me.
A lot of things remind me of her.
After my shower, I go to a large room the doctors call the commons room. It is where I watch the news and play cards with the other patients.
The other patients are nice to me. They tell me they are sorry that I am plagued with this disease at such a young age. I used to be confused when they told me this, but now I understand.
I am not normal.
Nothing about me is. The hallucinations, the death of my mother...
The fact that my father dresses as a clown and kills people.
The doctors say my disease is hereditary, that I obtained it from him.
I watch the news, hoping for nothing about my father to be mentioned.
My luck seems to have died with my mother.
The news anchor is a young looking woman, dressed in a pink skirt and gray shirt. She says that he has escaped from prison again, and that he robbed a bank last night.
I cannot help but feel angry.
I try to contain my anger, but I end up being taken back to my room.
"In an hour you have a therapy session with Dr. Hann. Please, Gabby, just TRY and get some sleep before then." Dr. Hann was a nice person, but she wasn't afraid to push me. Sometimes I find myself saying things to her that I shouldn't say.
Like how I would kill my father if I had the chance.
In the next hour, I do manage to get a little sleep. Thankfully I encountered no dreams either.
At my session with Dr. Hann, we start by talking about basic things. Anything interesting I've seen on the news lately, about how three patients where released this week...
About how my birthday is in four days.
"So Gabby, anything you want for your birthday?" The doctors always ask what I want for my birthday. But all I want is to be left alone.
Not this year. This year will be my fifth living here. I will be turning 14.
"I want... A radio, a can of yellow paint and..." I trail off, not wanting to tell her my last birthday wish.
"And...? Come on Gabby, it's okay. Just tell me." Dr. Hann smiles kindly at me, and I smile back.
Smiling is something I have not done in a long time.
"A piano." Dr. Hann sits back in her chair, as if trying to figure out all the ways I could harm myself with those three things.
"I'll see what I can do... tell me Gabby, why those things?" She presses her pen down hard on her pad of yellow paper as she records our conversation. I ponder this for a moment. I wasn't really thinking when I said I wanted those things. But maybe... Maybe there was some unintentional thoughts behind those requests...
"I like music. I like how it can make someone get up and dance when they were crying just minutes before. And I want to learn how to play the piano... I want to teach myself. It would be something fun to do. And once I learned I could write songs..." I trail off, thinking of all the beautiful music I could make "And the paint because I want to paint my walls something besides white." I tell Dr. Hann, who is scribbling madly on her paper.
"And why yellow paint? I thought purple was your favorite color."
"Dr. Cray said... he said that different colors promote different emotions... That's why all the walls are painted a neutral color. Yellow is bright and lively right? So wouldn't it promote happiness and joy?"
Dr. Hann smiles widely at me, staring at me over the rim of her glasses.
"It sounds like it could be fun Gabby. Maybe if you do write a song, you could play it for me?"
I stare at the ground nervously, not sure what to say. I have never actually touched a piano, let alone played one. It was just and idea... I didn't really mean it when I said...
"Yeah... Maybe..."
"Bruce. It's cold, and dark, and I'm wet. Nobody is out here tonight. Can we please go home?" I stared up at the cloudy night sky and watched the lightening flash nearby. Bruce and I had been out looking for the Joker since it got dark, and it was almost three in the morning.
"No, the Bat signals up. See? Over there. " Bruce pointed off into the depressing sky as he jumped off the building, landing on a lower one nearby.
"Come on ROBIN after this, you can go home." Bruce made a point to use my superhero name. He had been trying to break my habit of calling him Bruce while wearing the cowl ever since I became Robin.
"How can you even see that thing through all this rain! I think I'm drowning!" I make a point of flailing dramatically, but he doesn't see. He's too far away now to ever hear me...
When I finally reach the bat signal Bruce is already there, talking to Commissioner Gordon.
"Joker's been spotted downtown, let's move." Bruce tells me before running off again. I wave my hand at Gordon in an effort to say goodbye and run after Bruce.
It wasn't hard to find the Joker. What people were roaming around at this hour were now running around screaming with looks of pure terror on their faces. We chase the Joker for a while, before he stops to fight us on the roof of an old restaurant.
"Batsy, you're little bird reminds me of my kid... Always so happy and full of annoying things to say.
"Someone was stupid enough to have a one night stand with you?" I remark, trying to sound as surprised as possible.
"You know. Her mother was infatuated with me. That's why I had to kill her... And poor little Gabby had to watch." The Joker replies back as he dodges my kick and attempts to stab Bruce.
"Gabby... Nice name. I'm guessing you didn't stick around?" The three of us fall into a rhythm, hardly lay getting a few scrapes and bruises.
"I had... other things to worry about. After I killed her mother, I thought about taking her in. But she got locked away in a crazy house. What can I say? Like Father, like daughter." He
Signed loudly, and it began to rain even harder.
Eventually he somehow managed to get away from us, so Bruce decided we should head home and get some sleep.
"But you won't be getting any sleep will you?" I asked Bruce as we drove home. "You'll be up all night, checking every mental institution in town for a teenage girl named Gabby."