Stuff: Self-mutilation, yaoi, suicide, and a good deal of whining.
Notes: First fic I've submitted to this site. Basically one of those pissy, angsty types of stories that make you wonder why the bloody hell us teens don't just drown our sorrows in some booze (besides being underage). Anyhoo, I guess you could say this takes place directly after Episode 24. Shinji's point-of-view... I'm sure you can put the rest together. I haven't even gotten this thing proofed... I'm so cool. So yeah, enjoy. ~_^
Dislclaimer: Characters featured in following work are property of GAINAX (I think. ;_;). However, the story is a property of myself. If you plagarise this, I'll find you and beat you with a forking milk jug.
That night, Misato told me... she told me that because he chose death, that he deserved death. Well, those weren't her exact words... not nearly as harsh.
But at the time, it cut me like a knife. Dull, rough. All the more painful. I pictured his face. He was smiling... he was smiling when he died- rather, when I killed him. I started crying. Even now, when I think about him, it hurts. It's never hurt this badly before... why for him?
I remember when he put his hand over mine, in the shower. It was so warm... I didn't know what to make of it, at first. I've never had intimate contact with anyone, besides Asuka's stupid kissing game - the jerk. I always figured it was because I was never worth that type of attention, and I still continue to confirm that thought. When I think about that, it makes sense. Why in the hell would anyone want me? Why would anyone care enough? I know I don't have enough to offer. Why did he bother with me? To hurt me? Did he know this would happen?
I'm being screwed with.
But I guess I'm not helping... later that night, I simply lied in bed. I tried listening to some music, but the rythym was drowned by his voice. I could still hear it. Everytime I recollected, it became softer and more consoling. That was him, alright: consoling. While he was with me, I didn't worry about being lonely. Why bother finding more companions when you already have someone who understands you so well? Who'd do anything for you? And you figure you would have done anything for that person, in retrospect. I would have done anything for him. But... I pushed that feeling far, far away. At that moment, I listened to my brain. My brain told me to abandon him to save humanity. I wish I'd known how worthless this post-crisis world would have been without someone to be with. He could have been that person.
I got out of bed. The clock read 1:32 AM... I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop crying, and I couldn't stop the pain. I was at fault for all of this; the pain was warranted. I deserved every bit of it, and more. Having realized this, I took a brief visit to the kitchen... of course there was garbage all over the place. Misato's such a damn slob. I opened up one of the drawers to reveal the knife collection. There were a good deal of them, actually; I was surprised, since we didn't make use of most of them. Never had a purpose for the steak knives, or the butcher's blade... I spotted a serrated bread knife, however. It would get the job done, so I took it out, and proceeded back to my room.
It hurt. More than I figured it would. I was scared to penetrate the skin at first, but I learned to ignore every new slice. No, wait... it still hurt. It kept hurting more. That was the point; I needed this. This was for every sin, every wrong, and for my own worthless nature.
"AAAAAAGH!", I screamed. I cut too deep on that one. It was on my right thigh... blood was streaming down onto the floor. Tears joined the forming pool. The other slashes only bled a little and some even managed to scab. I quickly dropped the knife and placed both hands on the wound. The smell was familiar... inside the Eva, that one time. I remember from then; the desperation. This wasn't much different. It made me cry more.
I hate myself so much, still now. I can't deal with my faults, so I make my body deal with them. My innocent body. My mind is the one that's poisoned.
'1:50 AM' flashed on the clock. I checked the gouged portion of my thigh... it stopped bleeding. I was exhausted from the crying, and the pain. There was still blood all over the floor, but I couldn't be bothered to deal with it. I crawled back in bed and tried to garner some respite.
I didn't think I'd dozed off. I'd heard footsteps approaching the door. I thought it might have been Misato, walking back in. If that was the case, I very well may have slept outside. The steps were light though. The door slid open... I rolled over to face away.
I could feel her coming to the bed. I figured she'd go nuts over the pool of blood. If she did, I'd just conjure a lie. The cuts weren't quite visible with my clothing on. I welled with anticipation... only to be bothered by a slight tap.
"Shinji?"
My eyes shot open. I'd honestly thought my ears were screwing with me.
"Are you alright? Shinji?"
Prodded again. My ears were still playing a cruel joke. All I could hear was his voice.
"Is something the matter? Wake up... please... ?"
I turned over to face Misato, ready to yell at her, "GODDAMMIT, Misat--".
To my surprise, I wasn't looking at Misato. Misato didn't have a small, skinny figure... Misato didn't have red eyes... Misato sure as hell didn't have grey hair. I put the pieces together, and my mouth hung open. I could feel the pressure well up behind my sinuses. Tears started flowing over my cheeks.
He was smiling at me; pleasant as ever. He placed his hand on my shoulder... his hand was still warm. I started, "K-k-kaworu, I'm sor--".
He stifled me with a kiss. It was warm... it was also light. A very light kiss... he backed away slowly, and bowed his head slightly. I think he was awaiting approval.
I didn't know what to do. I had missed him so much. At first, I just wanted to know how he was here. Something told me to just "go ahead", though. I was still lying in bed... I forced myself up and placed my hand on his Kaworu's chin. I slowly lifted it and kissed him softly. He placed his tongue along my lips, so I opened my mouth. It was warm... I loved it. This was the only thing that I needed.
He placed one hand on my shoulder and another on my chest. He rubbed the chest, and I rubbed his hand in mine. Still warm. They were always gonna be warm. As long as that warmth existed, I'd never be lonely.
I pulled away momentarily. I ran a free hand along his face; smooth. He grinned, as if he'd been waiting for this his whole life. I bowed forward a little and prodded his cheek lightly with my nose, like a dog. He ran a finger along my right ear and then moved his lips down to my neck, kissing it lightly.
I needed him so badly... and he was here. He needed me too. He was with me. For the first time, from as far back as I can remember, I was happy. He raised his lips up to my ear... He spoke calmly, "It's over, you know, my dear Shinji. I'll be here for as long as I'm worthy".
"You'll always be worthy", I replied, stunned by his self-deprication.
"Not for you... you're too special. I can only find myself akin to you... and for this, I am not worthy".
"Kaworu...", I sighed. I couldn't tell if it was from relief, or a frustration branching from Kaworu's words.
I tried not to worry about that. For awhile, we simply lied in bed. We didn't even talk much... I just continued to stroke his backside. Afterwards, I placed my arm around him and pulled him closer. I wanted to ask him about how this happened... why he was still here. I pondered it, and gave up. I finally proceeded to inquire.
"Kaworu... why are you here?", I asked while poking at his cheek a little.
"Does it matter, Shinji?", he replied rather blandly.
"I'm just curious..."
Our peace was shattered by an array of obnoxious sirens. They were loud. I could feel my ears pounding and my head aching. I looked to Kaworu, who continued to gaze into my eyes. He mouthed something to me. I couldn't make it out, due to the noise. By reading his lips, I assumed it was "I love you".
I smiled at him. The sirens continued to roar and I fell dizzy. I jumped out of bed quickly. The sirens then transformed into the blaring of my alarm clock. It read '6:00 AM'. Not sure why it was set... I promptly shut it off and felt my way back to the bed.
I went to put my arm around Kaworu again. However, I could only feel the cold air.
The bed was empty.
I felt around some more... I said "Kaworu?" a few times, inquisitively... Where'd he gone? I guess it took a few moments later to figure out what had happened.
I could feel myself crying; again.
That type of comfort was all that I needed. It was gone. It was never there to begin with. Fucking dream. I hate dreams... they don't guide you. They simply clue you in to what you can't achieve.
I could feel the pain on my chest and thigh again. The blood was still on the floor. Those warm hands were gone... no one to hold. Kaworu was gone.
I concluded that no one would ever love me... I'd never have those sweet lips touch mine again. I felt better off dead.
Having realized this, I looked for the bread knife. There was some blood on the handle, but it didn't matter. None of it mattered. I'd never have to be clean again. I'd never have to eat again. I'd never have to love again. I'd never have that pain again.
I looked at my wrists briefly.
One slash for the pain.
Another slash for love lost.
A third slash for good luck.
The blood flowed freely and quickly. I dropped the knife and lied back down. One last comfort... a bed.
That was only a few minutes ago. I'm still crying... the sheets are becoming saturated with blood and tears. I can't stop staring at the ceiling. I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop hurting... is it gonna hurt even after I'm dead?
No one will care when it's over. Tomorrow, Misato will curse at the bloody sheets and will take my corpse to a refuse heap. Father... father will treat it as any other casualty. Asuka will finally be able to feel superior now. At least I'm doing someone a favor, for once.
I can't feel my legs. Hah. Even if Kaworu was back, I wouldn't be able to feel his warm body.
I can feel myself growing weary...
... I love you too.