A/N: Snape has a problem. An obsession. This is for the ACHOO challenge, BTW. The requirements are:

*A professor must have a radio in his or her classroom
*Must include "Misty Seaweed"-colored makeup of some sort.... whatever THAT looks like... scary...
*Someone must say "Bite the wax tadpole"
*Must mention odd socks (for example, the ones I'm wearing that say "Juvenile Delinquent")
*You must use the letter "x"... it's a poor, neglected letter, and I feel bad for it...

"Hello, my name is Severus, and I'm here at Makeup Obsessions Anonymous because I have a problem.

"It all started one day when I was listening to the radio in my classroom. (I am a teacher by profession.) I was really dancing, because the Backstreet Boys were on QI05 , and I love that song 'Larger Than Life!'"

"All of the sudden, a colleague of mine, Professor Sprout, walked in on my dancing. She didn't seem surprised, however. She asked me, "Severus, what do you think of my new eye-shadow?" And she fluttered her eyes at me."

"I nearly swooned. I managed to choke out, "What... shade.. is it?"

"She replied, "Why, it's 'Misty Seaweed', Severus, thank you for asking. The sixth years are working with gillyweed today, and I thought, why not coordinate?"

But I was way beyond that. As soon as she left the room, I climbed out a window and ran to the nearest cosmetics store. I bought cases and cases of 'Misty Seaweed'. Not to use for myself, but just to.. to look at, to feel. I was obsessed, definitely. I even had socks made that said "Misty Seaweed" on them."

"They were green."

"It was six weeks after my infamous encounter with Professor Sprout when I saw.. HER. Walking down the street. Dressed to kill. Wearing... Misty Seaweed!!!"

"I ran up to her. We started chatting. Her name was Darlene. Finally, when I couldn't stand it anymore, I asked her out."

"She said no. Her exact words were "Ew! Why would I go out with you? You're obsessed with women's makeup, and you haven't washed your hair in 27 years!"

"I muttered, "Only twenty-six." Then I lost it. I screamed at her, "Bite the wax tadpole!" I don't even know what that means. I was angry, and deprived because I hadn't smelled Mystic Seaweed in over an hour."

"That was when I decided I needed help. So that's why I'm here today. Can you help me? Please help me!"

A psychiatrist rushed over the poor, confused man. "It's okay, Severus. We can help you. Now... next? How about you, Lisa? What's your story?"

A woman in a red snowflake patterned sweater stood up. This one seems normal, thought the psychiatrist, whose name was Edward. At least more normal than that.. greasy guy.

Then Lisa opened her mouth.

"X!" she screamed, kicking plastic chairs all over the room. "X, I tell you, X! No one ever uses the letter X! SAVE THE X!!!!"

Oh god, thought Edward, shaking his head. It's gonna be a long night.