"Artemis," Butler began hesitantly, glancing in the rearview mirror, before continuing to scan the road. This was not a conversation he particularly wanted to have, but not having it seemed to be more problematic.
"Yes, Butler?" Artemis replied without looking up from the screen of his laptop.
"Artemis, I have no intention of retiring anytime soon, not while you are still engrossed in this many fairy-related shenanigans. I have no intention of dying while on the job, either, and unless you intend to fire me, we are going to continue to spend a large portion of our time together. And will most likely need to communicate during that time, about either your plans or various safety concerns and requirements I have. It will be much easier for both of us to do so if you can look me in the eye." Butler again glanced in the mirror, attempting to make eye contact with his charge. Artemis steadfastly ignored the gesture. He was aware of it, though, as Butler noticed that Artemis was now blushing, and it was doubtful that it had to do with the boy's computer browsing.
"I do not know what you are referring to, Butler, I am simply focused on my research. Climate change is no small matter, old friend, and must be dealt with. If no one else in the scientific or political community is willing to do so, it falls to me, as one of the few people on the planet with the resources and intelligence to implement a well-rounded solution."
"Artemis."
"What?" Artemis snapped at his bodyguard, provoked into glancing up, where Butler met his eyes through the mirror. Butler raised his eyebrows. Artemis flushed again and hastily looked back down.
"I have spent the past fifteen years, give or take, at your side. I know when you are avoiding an issue. And while normally I'd be fine with that, this is getting out of hand. You haven't been able to look above my collarbone when speaking to me for a week now. That's not like you. Artemis Fowl the Second confronts issues head-on, he doesn't ignore them and hope they go away."
"It wouldn't be an issue if you didn't insist on making it one. A bit of awkwardness for some time, and then everyone forgets and we all move on."
"Except you don't forget, and this will continue to be awkward until we deal with it." Butler flicked the turn signal and changed lanes before continuing. "It is perfectly natural, Artemis. There's nothing to be ashamed of."
A silence from the backseat, and when Butler looked once again in the mirror, Artemis was continuing to work on the laptop, yet was noticeable more flushed than before.
"Of course, if you truly do not want to have this conversation with me, and would rather, I could always ask your parents to have a word with you about it. I'm sure your father would –"
"No!" Now Artemis was again looking up, and looking slightly panicked.
"I mean," he said, making an effort to control his voice, "No, I would rather not have this conversation with my parents. I would rather not have this conversation at all. Besides, what do you think Mother would say if you told her?"
"'Thank God Arty's acting like a normal teenager'?" Butler hazarded. Artemis replied with a choked sound of distress.
"Really, Artemis. It's not that bad. Minerva is very pretty, and you are having an influx of hormones. Your timing could have been better, and we really do need to discuss….eh….plans when you need undisclosed amounts of time for…personal activities, but –"
"Not that bad?" The teenager argued. "Butler, it's…it's degrading! And embarrassing! To have someone walk in when one is –" Artemis cut himself off quickly. After a moment to collect himself, during which Butler continued to monitor the road in front of him, the red Subaru that really wanted to get in front of the Bentley, and Artemis through the rearview mirror. "It is not a matter to which I would expect you to understand."
Rather dryly, Butler said "Now, this may come as a shock to you, young sir, but I too, was once a fifteen-year-old going through puberty." Artemis was still looking at his computer screen, now with a slight frown.
"Well, yes, but I doubt anyone ever walked in on you when you were…engaging in 'personal activities.'"
Butler laughed. He was considerably more comfortable now that the conversation had been initiated and the matter could be dealt with.
"Of course people walked in on me. I was fourteen the first time I got caught, and spending half a year in a military camp trying to keep some Arabian aristocrat and his pretty seventeen-year-old daughter alive. The drill sergeant was very amused when he found me in the latrine, and, as the way of things go, everyone else had heard about it by the next morning." Another eyebrow raise through the mirror, followed by "Surely having your bodyguard, who has seen you naked from your birth through to the changerooms at the pool last month, walk in on you when you are running late for a party and sound distressed is less embarrassing than being told to leave the pants off and take a jog around the base camp, to 'burn off some of that energy'?"
Artemis was blushing furiously now, and still trying desperately to pretend the computer held most of his interest. "What are you trying to say, Butler? That I should not be embarrassed because you have known me for over a decade and a half? That everyone masturbates? That I need to get over it and move on?"
"Yes."
Artemis looked up at that, and Butler managed to make eye contact. Trusting his instincts and knowledge of what was around the vehicle, he didn't look away from Artemis's eyes in the mirror while he said, "You are certainly allowed to be embarrassed about getting caught masturbating, which is just as normal as masturbating in the first place. But avoiding the person who caught you just makes more of a deal out of the situation than it warrants."
A second longer of held eye contact, before Artemis looked away. He didn't appear as uncomfortable now, though, simply thoughtful.
"Very well," Artemis said from the backseat, looking up from his laptop. "I apologize for the discomfort of the past week, and, should we ever find ourselves in the same situation, I will attempt to not let it interfere with our interactions. Beyond, of course, the initial mortification."
Sparing one final glance at Artemis, Butler saw the boy was still slightly self-conscious, but was able to maintain eye contact, and was no longer using the laptop as a makeshift shield. "Thank you," he said with a nod, and took the exit that would take them back to Fowl Manor.