Macbeth Plot

So basically there's this guy called Macbeth, who for some reason doesn't have another name like Bob or Fred, or anything. And his wife is called Lady Macbeth, which just really sucks because it's like she's his mini clone, or something. So Macbeth and his best mate Banquo (who also doesn't have another name) are on their way home from a war somewhere (it's never really very clear why they are fighting or where it is. Almost the only thing you know about it is that they're rebelling against the king - got to have some farmers complaining about taxes somewhere, I guess.)

Then: BOOM! In the whole of Scotland Macbeth and Banquo just happen to stumble across some witches in the middle of nowhere. Not only are these witches the stereotypical type (warts, stringy hair, you know the drill) but they can (allegedly) tell the future.

Maybe witches just like talking in riddles or something or possibly Shakespeare never actually met any (you know - the whole not existing thing). Anyway they, to Macbeth at least, spout a load of gibberish about becoming a Thane (which is basically the Scottish equivalent of an English lord but those Scots didn't spend all those years fight us to nick our names - no way!), then King. On the other hand Banquo is told he'll miss out on the top spot - but don't worry, his kids will get there eventually. Hurrah!

They then camp out for the night but, somehow, they are found by a messenger who basically says the old Thane was a bad-ass and has been hung for treachery. (I thought in those days you got hung, drawn and quartered for that sort of this but hey, hangings good.) Then out of all the thousands of people who fought the rebels the one man chosen to be Thane is, drum roll please...you've guessed it - Macbeth.

Macbeth is all 'yeah that's awesome! Wait a minute, those witch dudes told me this would happen. -I'M GONNA BE KING.' So, of course, he writes to his misses.

Morning

According to the sun approx. 26 minutes past 9

Monday 1st April A long time ago

In some place no-one really cares about:

Hail ye, hail ye, etcetera, etcetera

Dear Mrs Macbeth

How's the weather over there? It's pretty chilly up here, but don't worry, I didn't forget to pack those thermal underpants you got me for my birthday. I hope you've got plenty of Vanish stain remover for when I get back - I got blood all over my nice dinner shirt and it ain't coming out. Obviously not my blood or I wouldn't be writing this. I know it's really unlikely you can actually read this you know, being a women and stuff, the weaker sex, only good for having kids, ect. ect. but this Shakespeare guy didn't seem that fussed and I need someone to write my evil deeds to who won't get me up for treason. The whole Hung, Drawn and Quartered/ hanging thing - so last year darling.

You know, I just happened to run into some witches yesterday, I know I should have handed them over to the king for insane torture and death but they started spouting this stuff about me being Thane, then King. Well, you know what old women are like these days so I didn't take much notice but blow me down if this messenger doesn't turn up and say the old Thane, may he rot in Hell for all eternity for plotting against the king, is dead. And I'm the new Thane.

It gave me the collywobbles I can tell you.

Anyway, got some pillaging to do

Hugs and Kisses

Mr Macbeth

XXX

Mrs Macbeth is, understandably, a little bit concerned. Not about the not handing the witches over for insane torture and death, but the fact that her husband actually remembered to pack his thermal underpants. And that he could become king. One of the two.

She waits until he gets home before speaking to him about it but for now I'm going to pretend she wrote a letter because I like writing letters.

Afternoon

According to the sun approx. 37 minutes past 4

Friday 13st April A long time ago

In some place no-one really cares about:

Hail ye, hail ye, etcetera, etcetera

Dear Mr Macbeth,

Got your letter. Glad the thermal underpants are doing their job. I stood in the shop for ages debating whether or not to get ones with purple polka dots on but decided it was too much like showing of. But the crowns on the red background as so this year and I had to get them.

And speaking of crowns what's this I hear about you talking to some witches. You're supposed to hand them over to the King for insane torture and death but don't worry darling - I won't grass you up. But you know, it said in the Duncan Daily yesterday that that the King's going to live until he's ancient. - Well at least 30. So I've got a little job for you. Don't worry, you'll enjoy it.

I want you to kill him for me.

Glad weathers fine.

Have fun pillaging

Hugs and Kisses

Mrs. Macbeth

XXX

P.S. Don't worry, I stocked up on vanish the last time I got the shopping delivered.

When Macbeth returns home and hears about his wife's 'little job' for him he is totally 'No way, that Duncan dude is awesome. Out of all the thousands of men who massacred those penniless protesting peasants he chose me to be Thane. I'm cool with that, I'm cool.'

But then the King turns up (complete with entourage and without invite) and the peer pressure from Mrs Macbeth is just too much.

And now we have time for one of the most famous quotes of the whole play.

"Is this a dagger I see before me?"

No mate, it's an old rusty kitchen knife.

But for some crazy reason these daggers are pointing towards Duncan (maybe his other name is King. It's always possible) leading to the famous line...

"Is this a dagger which I see before me,
The handle toward my hand?... Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?"

So the daggers lead him to the King, past his guards who are conked out on the ground. Mrs Macbeth, with incredible foresight, had drugged them. The ghastly deed done, he planted the blood spattered knife in the grip of the guards and washed the blood from his hands. (Yeah, like that'll fool them.) In the morning when the King's corpse is discovered Macbeth decides to deal out some very swift justice and murders the guards before they can snitch on him (What happened to the whole innocent until proven guilty thing? Well, I guess we are in the age of insane torture and death to non-existent witches.)

The suspicion of Duncan ex-King's entourage is that Duncan's loving sons killed their dearly beloved Dad so the eldest could become king. Consequently, they flee to England, leaving Mr Macbeth himself to be crowned King. (Who said that crime didn't pay?)

Banquo (again, another man with no second name so we'll call him Mr Banquo for now) is suspicious of his ex best mate Mr Macbeth because of, you've guessed it, those troublesome middle aged witches again.

Macbeth (who instead of calling Mr. now I guess we must call King. Boo! Hiss) remembers what the warty witches said and decided to murder his greatest friend (Who? His dogs?) Nope, Mr Banquo.

Banquo safely dispatched Mr- I mean King Macbeth then receives some terrible from his assassins.

Evening

According to the moon approx. 41 minutes past 8

Tuesday 4th May (Official star wars day May the 4th be with you) A long time ago

In some place no-one really cares about:

Hail ye, hail ye, etcetera, etcetera

Dear Mr Boss Person,

Just to let you know, Mr Banquo's bank is now empty. Tee Hee. He put up a bit of a struggle, but nothing me and the boys couldn't handle.

One of the lads got into a bit of a tizzy though when that nice Mr Banquo killed him so he let Master Fleance (I know mate, I thought it was a type of sheep's wool as well but apparently that's 'Fleece'. English isn't what it used to be. And that old prune Shakespeare making up new words left, right and centre, why it's enough to make any one mad.) escape. He's only 13 though, so no hard feelings I 'ope.

Blood and gore

Assassin 1

Assassin 2

Assassin 3

and the rest of them good for nothing louts who do the scrubbing round the back.

P.S. Will you put some vanish in our fee. I've got Mr Banco's blood all over my new ruff and the Mrs is going to go bananas (whatever they are) when she sees it. Ta

Macbeth is practically apoplectic with fury when he hears this but is mollified by the thought 'He's too young to do anything. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!' (You should never underestimate age Mac, why only last week- But that's a story for another time)

Macbeth now is (in his rather warped imagination) entirely and undisputable King, with everyone out the way. Happy and carefree (you would have thought that I don't know how many murders would have put a damper on things, but no, not Mac)he did what kings do best. Squander the poor penniless peasants hard earned taxes on a right royal rave. He has a party.

Fashionably late, Macbeth makes his entrance to see every chair at the table full, (really Macbeth, didn't you even remember to book yourself a chair. Kings aren't what they use to be) and Mr Banquo's blood splattered ghost.

Not something you see every day.

Mrs Macbeth manages to calm his guests down the first time by saying he in afflicted with something (something mental, perhaps. Like guilt?) but after it happens again the party crashes and everyone goes home.

Mr Macduff, a thane from another part of Scotland, also happens to suspect Macbeth (I don't know why, he wasn't even there when the witches made their prophecy) and flees to England and Ireland, where he joins the ex-king's sons to raise an army. (The air force hadn't been invented in those days.) In retaliation for opposing him and raising an army, Macbeth massacres the whole of Macduff's household. (Nice guy, just the sort I'd want as my king.)

Macbeth is understandably a little bit worried and goes back to those warty, string haired old women dance around in the nude for a while and send apparitions for Macbeth.

It is from this point of the play we get the famous quote

"Expelliarmus!"

Wait - wrong book.

" Round about the cauldron go:
In the poisons entrails throw.
Toad, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Sweated venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first in the charmed pot.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blindworm's sting,
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing.
For charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,
Witch's mummy, maw and gulf
Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark,
Root of hemlock digg'd in the dark,
Liver of blaspheming Jew;
Gall of goat; and slips of yew
silver'd in the moon's eclipse;
Nose of Turk, and Tartar's lips;
Finger of birth-strangled babe
Ditch-deliver'd by the drab,-
Make the gruel thick and slab:
Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,
For ingredients of our cauldron.
Double, double toil and trouble,
Fire burn and cauldron bubble. "

That's the one.

So Macbeth sees all these prophecies but the main one that I'm going to talk about are...

1. That his throne is safe until Birnam Wood comes calling at Dunsinane (that's his castle) and...

2. He cannot be killed but a man born of women. (see what I mean about the whole man/women thing. They think only a man would be capable of murder, look at Macbeth's mini-clone if you want proof that that's a load of horse manure)

So now Macbeth is feeling INVINCIBLE! but his wife has been slowly driven completely insane by guilt ("Out damned spot. Out" and threw herself of the battlements of her castle ( Splat.)

Charming.

Does Macbeth weep and wail and abdicate.

Not on your Nelly.

He has become, not to put to finer point on it, a megalomaniac. All he cares about is that she should have killed herself later on and it's a really bad time for him to be wifeless.

Incidentally, Macbeth's castle happens to be on top of a hill so he can see everyone coming. This posses a bit of a problem for the army heading his way, as they can't sneak up on him.

But ding - an idea had accrued to Macduff.

"Cut down the trees men. We'll sneak up on Macbeth undercover."

"Oooh sir, are we going to be agents? Are we going to have our own theme tune? I thought that we could-"

"No, no, no, no, no. No. Though we could have our own theme tune. I'll mention it to old Bill Shakespeare next time I see him.

But unfortunately for all of us, who have mainly gone to sleep by now, the play wasn't written with a theme tune for Macduff (Let's hear it - Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.)

So Macduff's army sneaks up to Macbeths castle under cover of foliage.

Witches Checklist of things to happen before Macbeth can die:

1. Birnam Wood coming to Dunsinane. Check

The two Mac's meet on the field of battle, which is actually Macbeth's courtyard, but field of battle sounds a lot better, and Macbeth laughs in Macduff's face and says...

"No man born of women can kill me." Followed by an evil laugh. At least I hope he had an evil laugh. Everything always seems so much more cinematic when the villain has a really cool evil laugh.

But Macduff get's the final laugh. He announces that, drum roll please...

"From my mother's womb untimely ripped." Sound's painful.

Basically, he had a caesarean. (How come you didn't spot that one Macbeth?)

Staving off any further question about his painful, and probably rather messy, beginning, Macduff slices off Macbeth's head. (Poop poop).

All is happily ever after, Macduff is crowned King, Scotland get's back to fighting England instead of its self. Every things hunky dory until...

Nah only kidding,

they lived happily ever after.

The End