Author: Raven Shadowrose

Title: Eliminate the Negative

Rating: T

Summary: Everything is going wrong for Jeff Collier after the college shootings, is there anyone that can help him? This one shot is based on the Casualty episode Eliminate the Negative (series 25, episode 6).

Disclaimer: I do not know or own any of the characters or events from the TV show Casualty. The story is mine and I do not give permission for anyone to use it or reproduce it.

A/N: All of the writing in italics are Jeff's thoughts.

Coward, failure, liar, weakling, worthless, you're not a hero, you're nothing. Jeff's thoughts ran quickly through his mind as he lay on the floor of the shower, the tears pouring down his face. It felt as if the thoughts in his head were taking on the voices of all the people from the college that, in Jeff's mind, he had failed to save from being killed. What kind of a man am I? 'A coward, a failure, a liar and a weakling.' Jeff was barely aware of the words that were leaving his lips, he repeated them to himself again and again like some sort of mantra. They needed me and I failed them. 'I failed them,' Jeff whispered through the tears that were rapidly being washed away by the water that flowed over his body. I just want these thoughts to stop, but, I deserve them. I let down the people that needed me the most and these thoughts are my punishment. I deserve to relive the day over and over, to live with the memory that I am a coward and let people die whilst I hid to save my own worthless skin. Jeff wished again that the thoughts would stop, he wished for a small bit of peace from the feeling that he had failed those that needed him. He wanted Dixie to come to him and take away all of the horrible thoughts and feelings that he had about himself, but, he didn't want her to know what a useless person he was.

Jeff just lay on the floor as he sobbed, he didn't have the energy to get up, he hadn't slept properly in at least a week and the sleep deprivation was beginning to take its toll on him. Every time I close my eyes, I hear the gunshots and the screams of the people the building as they tried to escape the carnage. I see Miriam running into me and dying in my arms. I just held her, I was powerless to stop her dying. I couldn't help her, I couldn't save her. It is her eyes I remember, I see them staring up at me, accusing me, telling me that I failed to save her. Jeff curled himself up even smaller and wrapped his arms around his body, he wanted everything that he was feeling to go away, but, at the same time he wanted to suffer for being a coward and letting everyone down. I should have done more to help them, I should have stopped him. I am not worthy of being a paramedic, I left those that I am meant to help to suffer and die. Hopelessness and despair consumed Jeff, he wasn't worthy of doing the job that he loved. Jeff angrily wiped away the tears that still insisted on falling down his face. I have no right to cry, there are people that are dead because of me, because I didn't save them. I am still alive, why am I still alive? Because I hid myself away, because I played the coward. Now they want to honour me for being a coward. I am no hero, I am a coward and a liar. I can just imagine what they would say about me at the college and the hospital if they knew what really happened in there. Jeff hugged himself tighter, the water was rapidly turning cold, but, he didn't have the strength to get up and turn it off.

Jeff stared into space as his thoughts consumed him, what would Dixie think of him if she knew the truth? Dixie, my best friend, she thinks that I am just being modest, but I am hiding the truth from her. She can't know, she would be ashamed of me and I can't lose her. I wish that I could share all this with her but if I do then she will leave me and I will not be able to cope without her. Jeff wanted to run to Dixie and confess everything so that she would hold him and tell him that everything would be okay, but, he was afraid of losing her. He was scared of seeing the disappointed look in her eyes when she found out what he had done. I have let her down, I should have done something to make me worthy of her friendship. Dixie would have tried her best to save them all, she wouldn't have hidden in a room and let him kill all of those people. 'Dixie, please don't hate me,' Jeff said, and he wiped his eyes with his hand. He couldn't tell her, if he told her then she would hate him for being weak. I'm sorry, I know it doesn't make it better, I just feel the need to apologise. I'm sorry that I got scared and hid away in that room. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to face him and stop him hurting you all. Dixie, I'm sorry for scaring you and not being able to talk to you about all of this, I just don't want you to think bad of me. I don't want to see the disappointment in your eyes when you find out that I am no hero after all. Jeff slipped even deeper into grief, he had let his best friend down and sooner or later she would find out exactly what went on in the college. Will you hate me Dixie, will you leave, will you be the one to tell me that I am a good for nothing man and not worthy of being a paramedic? I'm sorry princess, I wish that I could be worthy of your friendship, but I do not think that I am. I know I am hurting you by pushing you away and I'm sorry for that too. 'Dixie,' Jeff whispered. 'I'm sorry, I know I have let you down.' Jeff sobbed, he thought that he would have been out of tears to cry by now, but, more kept making their trails down his face to be washed away by the now cold water that poured from the shower.

Dixie opened the door to the house she shared with Jeff and she called his name as she looked around the ground floor. She was determined to find out what was going on inside his head, she knew that he was hiding something from her. Something had obviously happened at the college that he hadn't told her about. Dixie was very worried about Jeff, there were times when he zoned out on her and she knew that he was going through the events from the college over and over again. She heard him tossing and turning during the night and he always looked tired during the day. Dixie wanted to help Jeff, maybe if he opened up and talked about what happened then she could work out what was making him so unhappy and help him to move forward. She stopped in the lounge, Jeff wasn't there, she was going to have to go upstairs. Dixie heard the shower running when she walked past the bathroom door. She knocked on the door, she just wanted Jeff to know that she was there for him. 'Jeff,' she said loud enough for him to hear her over the water. Dixie waited for a minute and then she called his name again. 'Jeff, come on mate, just let me know that you're all right.' Dixie was really worried now, what if Jeff had done something to himself? He hadn't been right since he walked out of the college with Simone. Dixie shook her head, she didn't want to think about Jeff hurting himself.

Another minute passed and Dixie made the decision to open the door, she had to know that Jeff was all right. He could yell at her for walking in on him if he wanted to, but, she wanted to check on him. Dixie peered round the door and she saw Jeff lying still in the shower, her heart filled with fear and she hurried over to where he was lying. She opened the door and reached her hand in to turn off the shower, icy water ran over her arm and she shivered, but, she managed to reach the button and the water stopped. Dixie sat down on the floor next to the shower, she was relieved to see Jeff's chest moving up and down. She gently touched Jeff's shoulder, he was cold, how long had he been in the shower? Dixie quickly went to the cupboard in the corner and she took out the largest towel that she could find and she put it on the radiator. She picked up a blanket, went over to Jeff and she covered him up with it. 'Jeff,' she said softly, but he didn't respond. 'Jeff, please talk to me.' Again, he didn't respond. Dixie looked closer at Jeff and she saw that his eyes were red, he'd obviously been crying for quite some time. She felt sorry for him, he was obviously struggling with something and she wanted to help him through whatever it was.

Dixie sat by Jeff's side, she really wanted to help him, but, she was going to have to get him out of the shower first. 'Jeff love, you can't stay here, come on, you must be uncomfortable.' She sighed when Jeff didn't answer her. 'Jeff, please, I am worried about you. You're not yourself, you've been quiet for days and I know that there is something eating away at you. I just want to help you Jeff, please let me help you, please let me in.'

'Dixie.'

'Yes love.'

'Don't help me, I don't deserve it.'

'Why not?'

'I just don't.'

'You can't save the world Jeff, please let me help you.' Dixie looked at Jeff, his eyes were still red from crying and he was curled up like a scared child. 'Jeff, please, I love you, you're my best friend. I hate seeing you like this, you're hurting and scared and I don't know why. I feel like I'm losing my best friend, you won't talk to me or open up about what happened. I'm scared that one day I will lose you forever. I don't want to lose my best friend, please don't shut me out.' Dixie tried to keep herself calm, but she was finding it hard to do so.

Jeff heard the sadness and anguish in Dixie's voice and he felt guilty, he had been pushing her away and he wished that he could change it. I'm sorry princess, I need time, I can't do this at the moment. Jeff carefully stood up and wrapped the blanket around his body, he noticed that Dixie had turned her head away to give him some privacy as he was still undressed. Jeff sat next to Dixie and she pulled the towel off the radiator, he took it from her and wrapped it around himself, he was feeling a lot warmer now that he was out of the shower. I might not be able to talk to you yet Dixie, but, I'm really glad that you're here with me now. Jeff just looked at Dixie, she was upset, he could see it, he had upset her and he felt really bad about it. I know you want to help me, it is what you do best, you help those in need. I do need you Dixie and in time I will be able to talk to you, just don't hate me princess. 'Dixie, I'm sorry. I can't talk about anything yet. It is still too raw and too soon. I need time.' Jeff swallowed, he felt tears start to run down his face again, he felt as if he was letting her down by not being able to talk to her about what happened. Dixie, please hold me, take me in your arms and just hold me close, I don't want anyone else to hold me, just you, my best friend. 'Dixie, hold me.' He felt Dixie's arms wrap themselves around his back and hold him close. Jeff put his arms around Dixie and he cried into her shoulder, he felt Dixie's hand stroking his head and heard her whispering gentle words into his ear to calm him and help him feel better.

Dixie and Jeff lost track of time as they clung to each other in the bathroom, she hoped that Jeff would open up and talk to her in his own time. Pushing him wasn't the best idea, so she accepted that Jeff would talk to her when he was ready to do so. 'Jeff, you should go to bed, you've had a very trying couple of days.' She gently stroked his head and held him close to her. 'Come on love.' Dixie slowly moved out of Jeff's arms and stood up. Once Jeff had got up she opened the door and went out into the hall. 'Go on love, get dressed in something warm and get some sleep.' Dixie went into her own room, she changed into her pyjamas and then sat on her bed. Her best friend was suffering and she wished that she could make his pain go away, she hated seeing him so broken and upset. It hurt her to know that Jeff was going through something terrible and she wasn't able to help him much. Dixie sighed, she hoped that Jeff would feel able to talk to her in time, that he would open up and tell her what he was feeling. Until he opened up all she could do for him was hold him close and reassure him that she was there for him. Dixie pulled back the covers on her bed and got in, she needed some rest and hopefully getting some sleep would help her to have a clearer head in the morning.

Jeff sat on his own bed, he was ready for bed, but he didn't much want to be alone, he was finding it hard to sleep as he knew that when he did fall asleep he would be back in the college and facing those terrible events again. It is the same every time, I'm back at the college and people are screaming, I can hear them. Sometimes I hide and other times I don't get the chance. Sometimes he shoots me and I lie there dying. I beg for Dixie to come and hold me, but she doesn't hear me, I'm alone and there is nobody to hold me and comfort me as I die. That is the worst part of the dream, I wake up drenched in sweat and crying. I feel guilty for being alive when so many people died that day. Jeff left his room and he stood outside Dixie's door, he placed his hand against the wood and tried to decide whether to knock or not. He wondered if Dixie was asleep, he didn't want to wake her if she was. Jeff knocked quietly on the door and waited to see if Dixie answered or not. Please Dixie, please let me in, I need you now. I need you to hold me and comfort me, if you're by my side then maybe I won't have the dreams, maybe I'll be able to sleep for a full night.

Dixie got up when she heard the knock on the door, she had tried to get to sleep, but something had been stopping her. She opened the door and found Jeff stood there, he looked anxious and his eyes were still red from all of the crying that he had done earlier. 'Dixie, did I wake you?'

'No love, I wasn't asleep.'

'Can I come in?'

'Of course you can.' Dixie closed the door when Jeff stepped inside the room. 'What's wrong?'

'Can I stay with you? You don't have to say yes, I'll go back to my own room if you don't want to.'

'Of course you can.'

'Really?'

'Yeah, I don't really want to be alone either.' Dixie got back into her bed and she lay on her back. 'Turn out the light Jeff.' Dixie wasn't nervous about sharing her bed with a man, it was Jeff and he was her best friend, she wanted to help him in any way that she could.

Jeff switched out the light and he climbed into the bed next to Dixie, he could just make out her form beside him in the darkness. 'Dixie?'

'Yeah.'

'Thank you.'

'You're welcome.' Jeff turned onto his side and he hesitated. I know what I want, but I am afraid to ask, what if she doesn't want to, what if it is a bit too intimate for her? I have to ask, I need her now, I need her to hold me and chase my nightmares away. 'Dixie, will you hold me?'

'Of course I will, come here love.' Jeff shuffled over to Dixie and he rested his head near her neck, her arms moved around him and he took comfort from having her so close to him. You're so warm Dixie, it feels nice. I don't know if I will ever get the chance to share with you again, but, I am grateful that you are holding me right now. I need you princess. Jeff snuggled himself closer to Dixie's warmth and he closed his eyes, he was feeling very tired and he slowly succumbed to the sleep and rest that he so desperately needed.

Dixie noticed that Jeff's breathing had changed, he had fallen asleep, she knew that he needed to rest, he had been through so much and she just hoped that he would open up to her when he was ready to. Dixie stroked her hand over Jeff's head, he had always been afraid of being vulnerable in front of other people, he thought that it made him weak. 'I'll always be here for you Jeff, always, whenever you need me to listen to you talk or when you need a hug, I promise you that I will be here.' Dixie kissed Jeff on the head and held him close as she started to fall asleep, he was her best friend and she vowed that she would keep her promise to Jeff of being there for him for as long as he needed her to be.