English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.
And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).
Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.
The Ring
Athrun descended from the Savior's cockpit, his body tense, his mind more so. The setting sun was painting the world in the nerve-racking color of bright orange, which didn't help him relax.
Then again, he wasn't paying attention to the sunlight anyway. He was focusing on the people on the cliff, two of them. The two people he had been looking for, he had wanted to see.
Walking toward them, he looked at their faces showing a mixture of feelings. His face probably looked like that, too.
Cagalli ran to him, upset. A part of him was relieved at finally being able to see her with his own eyes. But another, bigger part of him was angry. As he came face-to-face with her, the exasperation he had been feeling and suppressing for a while surfaced, which he didn't welcome.
He tried to act calmly. He was here because of his duties as much as personal reasons. He had to find out what was going on and make them see reason, partly in order to meet Chairman Dullindal's and Captain Gladys's expectations.
Still, he couldn't help raising his voice. He was barely in control of his emotions. He tended to be more honest with his feelings than usual when it came to her, and Kira.
As he caught sight of the ring on her finger, however, he averted his eyes, feeling a little bad about his attitude.
He knew it wasn't like she had wanted to marry that—pathetic weasel of a—fiancé of hers. She had not even wanted to be engaged to that man, but she had needed the support of the Sarans to govern Orb, to protect Orb. So she had accepted the engagement...and almost gone through with the wedding. It had not mattered to her that she didn't want to do it. Because it was for Orb. She would do anything for Orb.
Only for Orb. His chest burned with pain and anger.
She would do anything for Orb, but not for him. She would never abandon Orb for him. She would never choose him over Orb.
He knew it didn't mean she didn't love him. He knew she loved him, and had never doubted it even after hearing the news of her wedding. He could understand why she had done it.
And he knew it was selfish and childish of him to wish her to abandon Orb for him. But he couldn't help it. He couldn't help feeling disappointed and angry that she had chosen Orb instead of him.
He had known all along how important Orb was to her, how devoted she was to Orb. She cared more about the country than herself, and put an enormous effort into protecting it. He had always admired her devotion and determination.
However, he still wanted to win against Orb. He wanted to win her love from the country. It didn't exactly mean he wanted her to abandon it or stop loving it. He was fine with her wanting to protect and serve it. He just wanted her to choose him when she had to make a choice between him and the country. He wanted her to love him more than anything, more than Orb despite knowing how deep her love for the country was—probably because of knowing it.
When she had accepted his ring, he had dared to hope she would choose him over Orb in the end, not the other way around, though he had not told her exactly what he wanted. Even though he had hardly told her his feelings clearly, she had always understood, and accepted them. So he had thought she had also understood and accepted that wish of his.
If he hadn't, he probably couldn't have made the decision to rejoin ZAFT, since he was aware that being in a relationship with a soldier of another country's military might cause a problem for her. But he had thought that in such a case, she would choose being with him over keeping her position, and so it would be all right. That there was no possibility that the rejoining would cause him to lose her. Like he had thought that if the Sarans forced her into marriage, forced her to choose between him and Jona, she would choose him even though it meant she had to give up protecting Orb.
He had believed that whatever happened, he wouldn't lose her now that she had accepted his ring. That nothing, even Orb, could take her away from him now.
He had made himself believe she would do what he wanted her to, which he knew had been foolish—and delusional—of him. She had not given up protecting Orb for him then. She wasn't even giving up protecting the Orb forces fighting against ZAFT now. But he had not wanted to believe he could never be her top priority. He had not wanted to accept that. He couldn't accept it.
And he didn't like it. He didn't like feeling like a foolish and selfish child. He didn't like feeling helpless, everything out of his control. He didn't like the anger and pain, the jealousy. He didn't like all those emotions swirling in his chest and distressing him. He didn't like everything happening now. He wanted to look away, and walk away.
So he did, though it didn't make him feel any better. His mind was still in a whirl, trying to figure out what had gone wrong, which was futile. Everything seemed to have gone wrong. It shouldn't have been like this. Orb wasn't supposed to have joined the Earth Forces. Cagalli wasn't supposed to have agreed to marry that man. She, along with Kira and Lacus, was supposed to have stayed in Orb, a safe place far away from the war, while he was fighting to end the war, fighting to protect them.
Most of all, Cagalli and Kira were supposed to have listened to him.
He just wanted to keep them safe. Yet they weren't letting him. They had not agreed to go back to Orb as he had told them to. They had even refused to agree that what PLANT was doing, what he was doing, was right. Even with the assassination attempt on Lacus, it seemed to him that they were being too unreasonable.
He was frustrated and irked. He felt like they thought he wasn't competent enough, enough to protect them, enough to do the right thing, enough to know what was right.
They were his girlfriend and his best friend. They were the people closest to him. They were supposed to know and understand him better than anyone else. They should know what he was saying and doing was right. They should know better than to do such a foolish thing like intervening in a battle meaninglessly, and fighting against PLANT, against him.
But he had been wrong. About Orb. About the ring. About Kira. About Cagalli.
Awakening from light sleep, Cagalli groggily raised herself a little on the bed. The clock told her a few hours had passed since she had come back to her room. She seemed to have fallen asleep without realizing it.
She turned around, now laying on her back, and rubbed her face. She still felt exhausted, but not sleepy anymore. And what she had been thinking about prior to the sleep returned to her: the meeting with Athrun, which had been full of the unexpected.
She had never imagined he would act like that. She had thought he would understand Kira and her, or at least try to, even after finding out he had rejoined ZAFT.
Of course, she had known he was stubborn. He wasn't easy to persuade, especially when the matter was important.
And he wasn't exactly good at noticing other people's feelings. She had been suspecting it was because of his tendency to think like a hamster, keep thinking about the same thing over and over, mostly about the past. He regularly occupied his mind with what had gone wrong and what should have been done, especially focusing on regrets, which was unhealthy in her opinion.
Oftentimes, he became too busy accumulating negative thoughts to pay attention to people in front of him.
She had wondered several times whether he had become like that because of the war. According to Kira, however, Athrun had already had that tendency, though not as apparent, when they were children. So it was probably just his nature, though the war and the matter of his father seemed to have strengthened it.
However, it didn't mean he was uncaring. He was a kind person. He had been kind to her even at their first meeting, when they were more or less enemies. He tried to help people in trouble. And when he noticed other people's pain, he tried to comfort them.
Therefore, it had been a surprise and a shock to her that he had acted as if he didn't care about Kira's and her feelings. That he had said such harsh words to Kira, and refused to talk with her about her almost-marriage.
Sure, she had expected him to be upset about it. Still, she had not doubted that he would understand and forgive her. That he would understand she had done it for Orb and accept it. She had not imagined even once that he would refuse to even listen to her apology.
He had never refused to talk with her, even when they had just met, even when he had been devastated believing he had killed Kira. He had always talked to and listened to her. There had been no reason for her to think he would act differently this time.
But it seemed she had been too optimistic. She had made the matter too simple.
What he had said last came back to her mind. He was right. Understanding something and accepting it were two different things.
She had been able to understand what the Sarans had said. She could understand what Athrun had said. They were probably right. Yet she couldn't really accept them. It had been hard for her to agree to ally with the Earth Alliance even to protect Orb. It was hard for her to abandon the attempt to make the Orb forces stop fighting.
She couldn't help but want to defend Orb's principles. She couldn't help but want to protect the Orb soldiers.
"What in the world do you think you can protect with only your feelings?!" A distraught voice and stormy eyes crossed her mind, and her face contorted.
Probably what she was doing was wrong. Probably she should search for a way to revoke the treaty with the EA instead, like Athrun had said. It was probably the right thing to do.
But still, she didn't want the Orb soldiers to shoot anyone who wasn't Orb's enemy. She didn't want them to die, especially due to her mistake. She wanted to give up on neither Orb's principles nor the lives of the soldiers, even if it was foolish of her.
Her thoughts wandered to the last battle, and she shuddered, remembering Athrun was now a part of the Minerva crew, which meant he fought against the Orb soldiers—and probably killed them.
She didn't want to think about the horrible possibility. The thought of his shooting them was too agonizing. Even the thought of his shooting her was better than that.
She slowly raised her left hand to look at the ring on it, whose sight twisted her stomach in a tight knot.
When he had given it to her, she had thought it meant that he accepted her devotion to Orb. That he understood and accepted she would do anything for Orb, even what he didn't like. Because he had given her a ring, a promise of love, even though she had not been able to cancel the engagement to Jona despite knowing it had been bothering Athrun.
And the ring had relieved her worry that once he went back to PLANT, he would never come back to Orb, to her. It had given her hope that she wouldn't be alone. That even though he was leaving her side for now, he would come back and stay with her to fight along with her, to fight for Orb.
She knew he was a fighter like her. He was the kind of person who was willing to fight and keep fighting. He was a person who could keep fighting at her side while she fought for Orb, for the rest of their lives. And she had thought he was willing to do it. Not only did he love and protect her, but also he would love and protect Orb. She had believed he had promised that by giving the ring to her.
But she had been wrong, about this too.
Maybe she had not really known him. On their way back to the Archangel from the cliff, Kira had muttered it seemed as if Athrun had gone back to his old self, which made her realize the Athrun she knew was only a part of him, maybe a smaller part than she had believed. She had thought she knew and understood him. Not completely, of course, but enough. It didn't seem to be the case, though.
She had never expected that he would fight against Orb. He had fought to protect Orb even during the previous war. He had chosen to fight along with her, for the peace between Naturals and Coordinators, for the "small, yet strong fire" her father had entrusted to her and her comrades. Then, after the war, he had come to Orb and helped her protect Orb and defend Orb's principles. She had believed he liked Orb and supported Orb's principles.
No, he does, she told herself. He at least valued Orb's principles. It was probably one of the reasons why he had been that mad.
Because Orb had abandoned the principles. She had abandoned the principles. She had not been able to defend them. She had not been able to carry out her duty as the Chief Representative. She had not been able to do what her father had expected her to, what the people of Orb had expected her to, what Athrun had expected her to.
She had failed all of them.
She gasped, feeling suffocated. She had already known she had failed. But now, the fact felt even heavier. The gravity of her mistake almost crushed her.
No. She gritted her teeth, forcing herself to breathe deep. No matter how heavy the burden was, no matter how distressing the situation was, she couldn't be defeated. She couldn't give up. Not again. The Archangel crew had given her the second chance. The chance to undo her mistake. It wasn't too late, thanks to them.
She clenched her hands tighter, and looked at them, realizing her right hand had been unknowingly touching the ring as if trying to draw strength from it.
The ring had been her source of strength after Athrun had left for PLANT. A reminder that she wasn't alone, even though no one was by her side helping her. That even though no one seemed to have faith in her, it wasn't true.
That was what she had kept telling herself while struggling to stand up against the other Representatives. That was what she had tried to keep believing...and failed to.
She looked away from the ring with a pained expression. She didn't know what to think of it anymore. She felt like she didn't know what to believe anymore.
The ring had given her strength because it had reassured her that it was all right to be herself. It had helped her hold onto the belief which had been slipping away from her hands, even though only a little longer.
It had helped her believe that she was capable of protecting Orb. That Orb's principles were worth defending. That Orb citizens believed in her and the principles. That she wasn't wrong to believe in the principles and her father.
That she wasn't useless or worthless.
Although he had not had political power to help her, Athrun had helped her keep believing so while working as her bodyguard. She had believed that at least Athrun accepted her as herself, and he would always accept her. Even after she had almost married someone else and hurt him a lot.
...Or maybe it was just that she had wanted to believe so. Maybe she had been mistaken all along. Now, she wasn't sure. Maybe she had jumped to the conclusion that he accepted her no matter what because she had wanted—needed someone who did, with so many people who seemed to see no worth in her around.
The tightening in her chest was intensifying, suffocating her again. But before it became insufferable, a familiar voice came from the speaker beside the door. "Cagalli?"
Her body and mind unconsciously relaxed at hearing the voice of her twin. The stifling feeling was mostly gone. She took several slow, long breaths.
Standing up to open the door, she glanced down at the ring. Looking at it was still painful. She was still confused, about Athrun and about almost everything.
However, she shouldn't give up hope. She knew that at least some of the things she had tried to keep believing were true. There were people who accepted her and had faith in her. She wasn't alone.
And she should believe her next meeting with Athrun would go better. It might take a long time, but he would become willing to talk. She wasn't sure whether he would forgive her or what their relationship would be like. But although he was probably too preoccupied with his own thoughts and feelings right now, he would become able to turn his eyes to other things eventually. Then, he would at least talk with her. It was the kind of person he was.
She probably didn't know or understand him as well as she had thought. She had been wrong about the meeting and about the ring. Nevertheless, she knew she wasn't wrong about this. She knew him at least that much.
"But Cagalli's crying now!" Kira's voice shot through his mind, rendering him speechless.
Athrun tried to respond, but didn't know what to say. It seemed like the anger and frustration, the desire to make Kira listen to him and retreat without causing any more damage to his fellow soldiers, which had occupied his mind, had been driven away. Or perhaps they had been buried under many other emotions and thoughts Kira's words had brought to his mind.
He couldn't do much to prevent Kira from destroying his mobile suit. He was too shaken.
The Savior was damaged beyond repair, and he sometimes spent time looking at its remains, trying to sort out his situation. The mobile suit had been his sword, the symbol of his power. ...But power to do what?
"—and shoot what Cagalli's trying to protect right now?!" His heart clenched at the words echoing in his head.
It felt like Kira had demolished his mobile suit because Kira had decided he wasn't trustworthy, not capable of using his power right.
And he couldn't really say Kira was wrong.
It wasn't like he thought what he had been doing, what PLANT was doing was wrong. However, now he had to acknowledge what he had been overlooking. Even though he had been doing what he believed was right, even if everything he had done was the right thing, it still couldn't change the fact: while doing it, he had hurt Cagalli.
He had never meant to. He only wanted to do something. His heart wanted to protect the people he loved. His mind wanted to do the right thing. And he had believed rejoining ZAFT, fighting under Chairman Dullindal, was the best way to achieve them.
He had thought that if he fought to protect peace, peace for both Coordinators and Naturals, he could also protect his loved ones. He had never imagined he would have to fight against the people he cared about to do what he believed was right. Not again. This time was supposed to be different from the last time.
Well, it was different in a way. He would never choose to kill someone he loved again. Although he had engaged in a battle with Kira, he had not intended to cause Kira serious injuries, let alone death.
With the Orb forces, he had been more serious about the battle. But it wasn't like he had wanted to fight against them. He wouldn't have done it unless he had felt it was the only choice he had, it was the right thing to do. He wouldn't fight meaninglessly, especially against something that had such importance for Cagalli. No matter how upset he was about her choosing Orb, he would never try to harm the country or hurt her like that.
However, intentions didn't always match results. You didn't have to intend to hurt someone to actually do it. Like Cagalli had hurt him unintentionally, he had hurt her without meaning to do so.
He had not even begun to realize how much pain he had caused her until hearing Kira's words. Cagalli had been crying, and it was partly because of him.
The worst part was that it wasn't just because he had fought against and killed the Orb soldiers, Orb citizens she wished to protect even at the cost of her happiness, or because he had not really tried to listen to and understand her, believing too much in his own righteousness and trying to control her.
He had hurt her also because he had tried to make her abandon her desire to protect Orb which was so strong and deep. He had not accepted her devotion to Orb, a big part of who she was, something so important to her.
He had refused to accept her as she was. He had tried to change her, push her to turn herself into something else. He had been no better than the Sarans and their supporters who had treated her as if she was worthless just being herself. He had hated them for it, for implying she wasn't good enough and would never be, for making her doubt and hate herself, for making her suffer.
Yet, he had done the same thing.
The realization greatly shook him.
He knew how happy it made you feel to be accepted just as you were. She was the one who had taught it to him. He had always been grateful to her for it. Nevertheless, he had not been able to do the same for her.
He knew how painful it was to feel you weren't good enough being yourself. How much it hurt when someone you loved refused to accept you as you were. He had suffered after his father had started to treat him as if he was only a soldier to him, not a son. He had felt he wasn't good enough in his father's eyes, which pained him.
It was one of the reasons why he couldn't accept Chairman Dullindal's words that filling a role given to you was your happiness.
He had once tried to do it. He had tried to be a good soldier, suppressing his personal feelings and obediently following orders, partly because it was what his father expected him to do and he hoped meeting his father's expectations would make his father look at him again.
However, it had not made him happy. Both his father and Chairman Dullindal had wanted only his power. They had seen him as a tool to accomplish their goals, ignoring his will and wishes.
It was Cagalli that had made him happy. She respected his choices even if she wasn't happy about them instead of forcing him to do what she wanted him to. She listened to him, trying to understand his sentiments. She accepted his faults and mistakes, and forgave him. She simply accepted him as himself. She had made him realize it was what he had wanted all along.
She made him feel safe, feel it was all right for him to express feelings honestly and reveal weakness, which he rarely did. Even after he had made huge mistakes, even after he had hurt her and what she cared about, even when he nearly gave up on himself, she still cherished him for no reason other than being who he was.
She was truly precious to him. She had engraved a deep, everlasting mark on his heart and life. She had made him want her, more than anything.
And he still wanted her. Even after she had hurt him. Even after realizing how much he had hurt her. Even if he could never be the most important thing to her.
He could bear not being able to be her top priority, but couldn't bear losing her.
He could vividly remember the fear he had felt while seeing something explode where the Archangel was supposed to be. He had thought he had lost her forever for a while before realizing the warship had probably succeeded to escape. The fear had been so intense that he couldn't bring himself to even voice her name. Calling out her name had felt like admitting she was actually gone, which he simply couldn't accept, especially right after he had believed Kira was gone.
He had never regretted his decision more than he had during the time he was under the impression that both Cagalli and Kira were dead. The two most important people in his life after his parents' deaths, the two people he wanted to protect most, the very reason he had sought power in the beginning of this war. He had fought against them with the power and let them die instead of protecting them. It had been like his worst nightmare had come true.
His regret had been so bitter partly because he was aware that he had been rough on them at the meeting on the cliff and hurt them. The anger he had harbored toward them and the pain they had caused him had felt like almost nothing compared to the agony he had felt at their presumed deaths, which had ripped his heart into million pieces, and the rage he had felt toward himself.
He didn't want to have such an experience ever again. He couldn't lose them from his life. He couldn't lose her.
And he knew what he had to do in order to not lose her.
He had to accept Orb was a part of her. He had to stop competing against it. Not simply because he couldn't win, but because it would only cause her pain and suffering. He would only cause her pain and suffering.
He couldn't protect her if he kept refusing to accept a part of her, if he kept trying to mold her to his own liking. If he wanted to truly protect her, he had to protect every part of her, protect what she cared about and what she wanted to protect as well.
Accepting Orb wasn't easy, but not too difficult, either. After all, he cared about Orb as well. He wanted to protect Orb not only because it was important to her, but also because it was important to him, too. He was grateful to the country for having accepted him after the previous war. He liked living in Orb and many people there. He also understood and admired Orb's principles. The country was one of those he had tried to protect.
And it was in danger now.
He struggled to get up, though his body ached all over. The two other people in the infirmary told him not to move. Still, he willed himself to sit up on the bed, gritting his teeth.
He couldn't just stay lying here. Orb was under attack, and Cagalli must be very upset. He didn't know what he could do, but he had to go. He wanted to go. He wanted to do something, for Orb and for Cagalli.
Sitting at her dressing table, Cagalli gazed at the ring on her left hand lovingly, but sadly. The gem on the ring gleamed, reflecting the light. Its color—red—reminded her of the person who had given her the ring.
A faint smile came to her lips as she remembered one of her friends had called him the Red Knight. It seemed to suit Athrun. He always tried to protect something, someone. He had protected her while she had had to fight nearly alone in the political world.
Even when he had left Orb and rejoined ZAFT, he had intended to protect her and the others he cared about. It might not have been the best way, and it certainly had not been what she wanted him to do. She couldn't say his actions had not hurt her. He himself seemed to regret his decision.
However, she couldn't really blame him. She knew the urge to do something, anything. She had felt the same urge before deciding to marry Jona. It had been a mistake and different from what she truly wanted to do. But she had not been able to bear doing nothing for Orb, to protect Orb, and at that time, it had felt like it was the only thing she could do. She couldn't have helped doing it even if it meant giving up everything and becoming a tool.
So she could understand his sentiments. Plus, she knew his intention had been good even when he was fighting against the Orb forces. It always was. He always tried to do the right thing. She admired his determination, though it sometimes made her worried about him.
The smile fell from her face as she remembered what she was going to do and what might happen as a consequence of her decision.
With a pensive look, she tentatively touched the ring, remembering the time when he had given it to her.
I shouldn't have accepted this.
Not just because it wasn't what she had thought it was. Even if it had been, she still shouldn't have accepted it. She had been powerless to cancel her engagement to someone else. She had been powerless to protect their relationship, protect him.
She had not been able to dispute much when the Sarans had claimed she had been engaged to Jona with her father's approval, which wasn't exactly true. Partly because she had needed their support and partly because she had been able to understand that such a show of unity was needed to reassure the citizens after what Orb had gone through. She had thought she would just accept the engagement for the time being, and eventually cancel it.
She had not doubted that she would be able to someday. That the Sarans would understand. That Athrun would understand.
But still, even if all of her beliefs had been true, she should have waited to accept Athrun's ring until she actually canceled the engagement. Or at the very least, she should have kept the ring hidden, kept their feelings to themselves. They had been far from ready to be open about their relationship.
However, she had been so happy about the ring, about what she thought he had promised by giving it, that she didn't see the need to hide the ring, his promise, his love and her love.
She had not expected the Sarans to really mind it. She had not expected them to force her into marriage. She had trusted them, and not thought they would compel her to do something she really didn't wish to. Even though they, and their supporters, had often been harsh on her, she had believed they considered Orb's best interest, and everyone's best interest including hers.
Now she knew she had been too naive. She had not really tried to know them, what they wanted. She had not stopped to deliberate whether they were actually trustworthy. Sure, she had been exceptionally busy handling her duties as the Chief Representative, but it still didn't justify her negligence. She had simply wanted to trust them, wanted to believe they were people like her father, her uncle, and those Representatives who had sacrificed their lives for peace, and so she had. It had been irresponsible of her and it had cost Orb dearly.
She bit her lip hard. The decisions of the Sarans had caused many deaths, which was partly her fault. She couldn't deny her responsibility, and she wasn't trying to. She had to accept her faults. She had to learn from her mistakes and the Sarans' mistakes so that she wouldn't make the same mistake. So that she could protect Orb this time.
And she had to accept and correct another mistake of hers.
Although it was different from what she had expected it to be, the ring was still important to her. It was undoubtedly a sign of his love for her. If he had not loved her, he wouldn't have given it to her in the first place.
Nevertheless, she had to take if off now. When she had done it before, she had been giving up being herself. But now, she was doing it because she didn't want to give up.
Even if it meant she would lose him.
Pain shot through her heart, but she forced herself to keep her eyes and fingers on the ring. She knew this was necessary.
Even though she was no longer engaged, the situation had not largely changed. She had her duties to fulfill. She had to protect Orb and end the war, and then reconstruct Orb and help rebuild world peace, peace between Naturals and Coordinators. She couldn't focus on her private life now. It was still not the time to make their relationship known to the public, the time for her to wear a ring in public...even if he wouldn't leave her.
Yes, if.
She wasn't sure about it. She couldn't believe he wouldn't. Now she understood why he had given her the ring, why he had been that upset about her almost-marriage. It wasn't simply because her deciding to marry someone else had been too much, too great a betrayal and a shock, for him to accept even for Orb. He had wanted her to choose him over Orb. He had wanted her to abandon Orb instead of breaking up with him.
But she couldn't do it. She knew herself. She knew she could never bring herself to abandon Orb. As much as she couldn't abandon her father's legacy she had been raised to continue, what her father had protected with his life, it wasn't the only reason, or even the major reason.
The biggest reason was that she didn't want to give up being happy.
Admittedly, being a part of the Athha family, especially its head, wasn't easy. Although she was proud of the name of her family she was carrying, it was also a heavy responsibility. To some—or many—people, it was probably a happiness to be free from the burden of governing a country, or to be the one being protected rather than the one protecting.
But not to her. It wasn't her happiness to abandon her name and position. She was certain about it. It was never a happiness to give up your will and wishes, give up being yourself.
She was an Athha through and through even though she didn't have Athha blood in her. The determination to serve Orb and its people was embedded in the core of her being. It was her desire as much as her duty. Orb wasn't just her responsibility. It was a part, a big part, of her, and she wouldn't be able to be herself anymore if she abandoned Orb. She couldn't possibly do such a thing.
She was resolved to live a happy life as her father had hoped. She couldn't be happy if she kept trying to be something other than herself. She had to be herself, not what other people wanted her to be, whether it was the Sarans or Athrun.
She was an Athha, who wanted to protect and serve Orb at all costs; she was just Cagalli, who wanted to be with her loved ones. Both were an essential part of her. She shouldn't throw away either of them. Being herself meant being both of them, accepting both sides of herself and protecting them, no matter how hard it was.
Otherwise, she couldn't accomplish what she wanted to do and couldn't reach where she wanted to go.
And the Athha name was the one which gave her the power to protect what she wished to. Now she was acutely aware of the significance of having power and appreciated the name more deeply. It was her weapon, and she needed it in her fight.
She wouldn't give up fighting again. She would never let anyone or anything dictate her life. Not her blood, not her genes, not destiny. She was the one to choose her tomorrow. She would fight for her wishes, for the future she desired, using her power. She wouldn't give up her will and wishes and become a puppet. She would fight as herself, fight to keep being herself.
And thus, she couldn't fulfil that wish of his. She couldn't give Athrun what he wanted. Therefore, she didn't have the right to wear this ring.
Knowing that, she couldn't keep wearing it anymore. It felt like she was betraying him, deceiving him and restricting him unfairly.
He probably already knew she couldn't choose him, but he might still have some hope. He might hope she had changed or she was willing to change eventually if she kept wearing the ring, which would only cause him more disappointment and pain. She couldn't let that happen.
Taking a deep breath, she gently took off the ring. It felt too light, and too heavy. Her heart ached at the sight of her empty finger.
She couldn't deny a part of her was still trying to avoid doing this, which was partly why she had put it off until this last moment. She still wanted him to stay with her. She wanted him to stay in Orb instead of going back to PLANT. She wanted him to love and protect Orb.
But it was selfish of her. She couldn't fulfil his hope. Then, how could she ask him to fulfil hers?
Besides, she didn't want him to stay with her if it would only make him suffer. If it would rob him of happiness. She would never want that.
She had to set him free so that he could do what he wanted to and get what he wanted. So that he could be happy.
He was free to choose another girl who would give him what she couldn't give. He was free to go back to PLANT after the war. He should be free to do anything he desired. She wouldn't restrain him. She wouldn't prevent him from fulfilling his wishes.
It wasn't entirely for his sake. She also wanted him to be happy for her own sake, for her happiness. She couldn't be happy if he wasn't, if she ruined his happiness. The more she wanted to be happy, the more she wanted him to be happy, and the more she felt she needed to do this, for both him and herself.
She had not exactly lost hope. A part of her was hoping that he might accept her choice and still wish and choose to be with her. That they still could be happy together. However, the rest of her knew it was only a hope, maybe a slim hope. It seemed quite unlikely.
His eyes when they had met on the cliff flashed through her mind: angry, sad, and hurt. She had been able to see how much he hated her choice, how much it had upset him.
Granted, he had forgiven her for having almost married someone else, but it didn't mean that he could accept she could never make him her first priority. That he could accept she could never fulfil his wish.
It wasn't like she doubted his love. She knew he still loved her even after everything that had happened. As much as she still loved him. Otherwise, he wouldn't have told her his sentiments and regrets with such honesty when they had talked in the infirmary. She knew he wasn't a person who opened up to anyone.
However, loving someone didn't mean you could do absolutely anything for that person. She knew it painfully well. Like she couldn't abandon Orb for him despite her love for him, he might not be able to stay with her despite his love for her. Like she needed to keep being an Athha—even if at the cost of losing him—in order to be happy, he might need to leave her in order to be happy.
You needed more than love to be happy together.
Compressing her lips firmly, she placed the ring in a ring box. As she took her hand off the ring, she felt a pang of loneliness.
She knew it wasn't like she would be all alone. Even if he left her, she still had many people who helped her protect Orb. But it wasn't the same. Like having Kira, who probably loved her as much as Athrun did, by her side had not been the same as having Athrun.
Yet, it still mattered. There were other people who loved her and supported her, other people she loved. Athrun wasn't the only one. It was one of the reasons why she could do this.
Because she knew she would never be completely alone. Because she knew she could still love and be loved. Because she knew she could still be happy. Even if she lost Athrun.
Like it had happened after she had lost her father, the person she had loved more than anyone, the person who had loved her more than anyone ever had, who had loved and trusted her entirely.
No matter how painful today was, there was always hope for tomorrow. Knowing it didn't lessen her pain, but gave her the strength to endure the pain.
Closing the box, she caught the last glimpse of the red gem, and wondered whether he still had the red stone, Haumea's amulet, she had given him. Whether he would keep it even after he learned she had taken off his ring, she had chosen Orb over him.
She fervently hoped so. The amulet wasn't a sign of her love for him. Well, it was, in a way. But it was a different kind of love, similar to the love she felt for Kira. She had given it to him simply because she had been worried about him and wanted him to live no matter what even though she wasn't in love with him yet.
She hoped that he would understand it and keep the amulet. That it would protect him. That it would help him survive the coming battle.
Even if he left her, even if he chose someone else, she still wanted him to be all right. It would never change. Even if she fell in love with someone else someday.
She sighed, standing up. But she couldn't find out about the amulet. She couldn't bring herself to talk with him. She was scared to hear directly from him that he couldn't be with her anymore if she chose Orb.
I'm such a coward, she thought bitterly. She hated herself for acting like this.
But she couldn't help it. She knew hearing it would make her break down. Even though she couldn't choose him over Orb, even though he wasn't the only person who mattered to her, he was still very important to her, and the thought of losing him greatly pained her.
She had not really realized how much he meant to her until she had decided to marry Jona and faced the possibility of losing him. Until she had realized her misunderstanding about the ring and faced the possibility of his leaving her.
Before realizing it, she probably could have talked with him. Now that she was aware of it, however, she couldn't trust herself to handle the situation well.
She couldn't afford to break down right now. Maybe she could after the war. Or after a few years, when Orb was recovered enough. But not now.
She hung her head low. She knew it wasn't fair to him that she had simply taken off the ring without even one word. It might be going to hurt him. Again.
Her heart wrenched at the thought, and she squeezed her eyes shut. She was risking his pain for Orb's sake once more. Again without directly apologizing to him.
I'm so sorry, Athrun. For not talking to him. For hurting him. For not being able to give him what he wanted. She wanted to say it to him, but she couldn't.
And as she couldn't have enough bravery to talk to him, she couldn't even properly wish him safety, which increased her pain further. A few tears spilled down on her cheeks, which she slowly wiped, trying to calm herself down.
She wouldn't have been this afraid if it had been just that he was going to war. She knew very well that he was an excellent pilot and a strong warrior. However, for a generally cautious person, he sometimes could be pretty reckless. Not long ago, he had gone into a battle despite serious injuries. Although he was almost recovered, he wasn't in his best condition yet.
Furthermore, she knew perhaps more than anyone how little he thought of his own safety, of his own life. She believed—desperately wanted to believe—that he would never try to sacrifice his life to end the war again. But she couldn't erase doubts and worries from her mind. His desire to do the right thing might drive him to his death, like it nearly had while he had been protecting the Earth from the remains of Junius Seven.
Thinking about the possibility of his dying made her blood run cold. She remembered following him who was going to make the Justice self-destruct. She had been furious and desperate. She had not been able to just let him die. She had not wanted to see any more people she loved die.
And she had been enormously relieved, glad, and happy that he had listened to her and chosen to live, to keep fighting. She had felt such an intense joy, crying and hugging him tightly and telling herself again and again that he was still alive, they were both alive, after they had escaped.
It had been a dangerous and reckless act. Many people had reprimanded her for it later, saying she could have died herself. Even Athrun, ignoring his own action. But she had never regretted her action, and she never would.
If she could go with him, she probably would be able to stop him from doing it again. However, she couldn't leave Orb. She had to stay to fight her own battle as the Chief Representative of Orb in order to protect both Orb and her comrades going to war.
She knew it would be tough, the battle of hers, the path she had chosen. She had made wrong decisions in the past, and possibly would again. She might not be the best fit for this position, and she was certainly still inexperienced. Yet it didn't mean she couldn't do it. She had to keep faith in her, like her father had, like her brother did, like her friends and comrades did, like many people of Orb did. It was the only way she could make her wishes come true. And she was determined to face the battle.
However, it didn't mean she was completely fine with staying behind. Especially with the fear for Athrun's safety. Even with her resolve to fight, it had still been a difficult and painful decision for her to stay in Orb instead of staying by his side to keep him safe. She was scared of his leaving this universe, more than she was of his leaving her.
It was another reason why she couldn't go and talk with him. She was aware that he had been looking at her. She knew he wanted to talk. However, she was afraid that she would lose her demeanor as the Chief Representative. That she would cry if she tried to talk with him, or even look at him, now because of her worries.
She knew she would have to see him anyway. She was supposed to give a farewell to representatives of the Archangel crew including him later. She had to face him and give him a hug...or maybe a handshake. It would be only brief, though, and she didn't have to talk then. They wouldn't have time to talk. She probably could keep calm during the short time. But she wasn't so sure she could now.
Therefore, she willed herself to walk away from him without even a glance though it was hard.
When she came across the red-haired girl who had helped him escape, a thought occurred to her. The girl was going with him, and so could look after him. And the girl was probably willing to do it. The girl had helped him even though it meant defecting from her country, and chosen to fight along with him even though it meant fighting against her country. The girl could do what she couldn't do.
After all, it was this girl who had made her realize what Athrun had wanted her to do, and the fact that he could get what he wanted if he chose someone else.
She sincerely asked the girl to take care of him. Her heart was breaking to have to entrust him to another girl, which would probably make them close and possibly make them end up together.
But it was nothing to see him with someone else compared to his death. She could bear his loving someone else as long as he was happy, but she couldn't bear his losing his life. If this was the only thing she could do now to protect his life, she would gladly do it.
She still felt sadness and pain, but also some relief. At least, now she knew that someone—besides Kira and Lacus—would look out for him. That he would be taken care of. That he would probably be all right.
Please just be safe...and happy. That's all I ask of you.
The only thing she could do now was believe, have faith in him and the other comrades of hers. Parting with the girl, she held her head high. Her eyes were brimming with tears, but she wasn't going to let them fall this time.
She had to stay strong, for herself and for all she loved. She had to fight, for her future and happiness and for everyone else's. It wasn't the time to cry.
She kept a warm and calm face while she bid farewell to her brother and her best friend, hugging them, even though she was worried about them, too.
But she almost cried, in surprise and relief, when he hugged her. Warmly and firmly. With love and acceptance. With a silent promise he would come back to her.
Listening to her speech, Athrun observed Cagalli's appearance. She looked rather pale, probably due to lack of sleep. She also had slightly reddened eyes and faint dark circles under them.
He didn't like it and was worried about her. But he knew it couldn't be helped under the current circumstance. Orb had recently been attacked; she also had to deal with the problems resulting from her absence. It was a tough task, but it was what she wanted to do. She had chosen to fight the battle, and he had to respect it.
Hoping she wouldn't push herself too hard, he moved his eyes, which fell on her left hand. The hand with no ring on it.
He stared at her bare finger for several moments. He was a little surprised that the fact she had taken off his ring wasn't bothering him.
On the contrary, he felt relieved. It seemed appropriate. That ring shouldn't be on her finger.
Partly because it wasn't the right time to reveal their relationship. The world wasn't ready for it, and they had things to do before doing so: ending the war, reconstructing Orb, and many more.
But most importantly, she had been right. He shouldn't have given her a ring like that. Not just how he had done it, but also why.
Now he could understand better the urge to give her a ring he had felt at that time. He had been impatient, feeling so useless. He had thought he had been doing nothing meaningful. Unlike her, who had been working herself to the bone as a leader of a country. He had not been able to do much to help her. He even had not been able to guard her properly. He had engaged in a battle and caused her an injury instead of keeping her safe.
He had been feeling like she was moving forward alone, leaving him behind. Like she had been getting farther and farther away from him. Like he was losing her.
He had not liked the feeling, and had wanted reassurance. He had wanted to detain her, keep her in the same place as he was. He had wanted to bind her to him so that she couldn't leave him, even if she wished to. So that he could stop worrying that he might lose her.
It had been wrong of him. Even though unconsciously, he had tried to make her a puppet obeying his will without her own, a tool to fulfil his wishes, with no regard for her own.
Probably it was partly because he had been afraid of her strength, despite it being one of the things that had attracted him to her. Thinking back, he had to admit that a part of him had been wishing she had been a person without the will and power to fight, a weak person who wanted and needed his protection. Because if so, she would need him in order to stay safe and probably never leave him.
But it wasn't the kind of person she was. She had never been like that. No matter how painful the situation was, no matter how much she was hurt and suffering, she still tried to fight and protect instead of wanting to be protected, instead of asking him to save her from fighting—which had made him feel more insecure and wanting to tie her down.
He didn't want to lose her so much that he had tried to avoid it by all means, even wrong ones.
However, it had been different from what he truly wanted to do. He wanted to protect her and help her. Nevertheless, what he had been actually doing was rather the opposite. He had hurt her and made her suffer, putting even more loads upon her already heavily burdened shoulders. It could be even said that he had been helped and protected by her instead, considering that she was the one to clean up much of his mess.
All because he had chosen the wrong way due to impatience...and perhaps the desire to escape difficulties. He had made mistakes because of his weaknesses. He had to admit it, and accept them as part of himself. It was the only way he could grow up and become a better person, become what he wanted to be.
You could never stop being yourself, abandon your past, and become someone else, someone better. The only thing you could become was a better version of yourself. And in order to become it, you had to accept who you were now, no matter how different it was from what you wanted yourself to be, or what you wanted to believe yourself to be. In order to build the future you desired, you had to accept your past and present. You had to face and accept the reality instead of looking away from distressing truths.
And he accepted that it had been his mistake to give her the ring. It had been a rash act. He had not been ready to give her a ring yet.
Now that she had taken it off, it felt the mistake had been corrected.
His face softening, he looked back at her face, which was filled with determination as well as her voice. She looked stronger and more resolute than ever, and he felt glad that his mistake had not changed her. She was still herself, the Cagalli he knew and loved, the person he wanted to protect most.
Full of passion and compassion, strong-willed, tough, and devoted to her duty. That was who she was, and it was how he wanted her to be. She was like a fire, brighter than anything, and he didn't want to dim her light with his selfishness. He would never want that.
Feeling satisfied, he watched her finish the speech. She went to personally talk to some people, and he slightly frowned at the fact that she had not even glanced at him during and after the speech. Since the moment she had shown up in front of the Archangel crew, their eyes had not met even once, as if she was avoiding looking at him.
Then, he realized that probably she was indeed avoiding it, avoiding him. Staring harder at her, he sensed her doubts, and felt a pang.
Her trust in him had been shattered. Now, she couldn't trust him to stay with her, to accept her.
He couldn't blame her. It was the consequence of his actions and he had to face it. However, this wasn't the end. He had made mistakes, but he could make up for them. He had hurt her, but he could heal her. He might have lost her trust, but he could earn it again. He was determined to do so, to become a person who could.
And she would let him do it, he knew. He knew she still had some hope for him. It was the kind of person she was. She never gave up on someone or something she loved.
He knew she still loved him. The fact that she had kept wearing the ring even after he had hurt her, and had not returned it to him after taking it off proved it.
Then again, he probably would have known, or believed, it even without the ring, without any proof. There was something about her which made him believe that she would never give up on him. That she would never stop loving and accepting him.
And he was going to show her that he loved her and would never stop loving her, either. He was going to prove to her that he could and did accept her the way she accepted him.
Someday, I'll give her a ring again, he silently vowed to himself. Not as an attempt to change her or chain her to him, but as the symbol of his support and love for her. As the symbol of his promise to accept her as she was.
When he had given the ring to her, he had not been mature enough to promise that, enough to be able to make her happy. Maybe he wasn't yet, and he still didn't have enough power and position, and the trust of Orb's people, to be accepted as her partner anyway. Not to mention her trust.
Therefore, he had to wait for now. He wouldn't make the same mistake. He wouldn't try to rush things, which would only result in their pain and suffering. Now he knew it, and he would wait.
But someday. He smiled warmly and genuinely. I'll be at your side, at any cost. I promise, Cagalli.
If she was walking forward while he was staying behind, then he would follow her until he caught up with her. He didn't have to pull her back to be at the same place. It would take a longer time, but it was what he really had to do. He could see it now.
To be honest, he wanted to tell her that and dissolve her doubts. But she seemed to be unwilling to talk with him right now. Besides, he might not be able to do it well, anyway. He had never been good at expressing his feelings in words. It was probably best to wait to talk until they had more time and they could be alone.
At least, he would get to see her at close range and hug her a short while later. It would be enough for now.
So he simply kept gazing at her retreating back instead of running after her and stopping her. There was no need for haste. There would be plenty of time for them to talk, be a future for them. They were heading down the same path, to the same place.
I won't leave you alone. He wouldn't let her fight by herself. He would be there to help her and protect her in any way. Always.
Right now, he couldn't give her anything as a symbol of the promise, even a word. So he tightly hugged her, who had hesitated to hug him, hoping she would understand his feelings and his promise.
After several heartbeats, she hugged him back as tightly, which filled him with happiness.
At the moment, he was sure the day would come. The day when they could be together without hiding their relationship, without worrying about being separated just because of their genetics. And there would be a ring on her finger.
He knew she shared the same dream, and they would do their best to achieve it. No matter how hard it was. No matter how long the way was, they would keep walking the path they had chosen of their own free will, not the one they had been given. And they would surely reach their destination. They both were the type to not give up easily.
He reluctantly pulled back after a while. He had to let her go now.
His heart ached. There was no guarantee that they could see each other again. He was going off to war; Orb, and she, might be going to be attacked while he was far away. As much as he believed in the future, he still had worries.
A small part of him wanted to stay with her. Another small part wanted her to come with him. Yet, he knew neither he nor she could choose it. They had desires they couldn't give up, and thus, he had to go to space and she had to stay on Earth, doing their own jobs.
I'll protect you, he inwardly made another promise. The same one as he had made two years ago. His feelings had never changed—no, they had changed. They had become even stronger. He was even more determined now.
She probably didn't need his protection, but it didn't matter. It never had. Even whether she wanted it didn't matter. They had never been his reason for protecting her. He had always known she was a strong person. Regardless, he wanted to protect her—probably for his own sake rather than hers—more than anything, more than ever.
Therefore, he had to leave for now. He had to leave her side, leave Orb, in order to protect her, Orb, and the tomorrow they both wanted.
He was going to fight not as a tool or a puppet, not as just a warrior, but as himself. Warrior or not, he wanted to protect those who mattered to him. He also wanted to stop Shinn and Chairman Dullindal. They were all his wishes, not what he had been assigned to do, not what he was obligated to do, and he was going to fight for them. This time, he was going to use his power, his new sword, to do what he truly wanted to.
And he wasn't going to die. He had changed since the time he had tried to sacrifice his life. Cagalli had taught him that to keep living was a bigger fight than to just give up his life. She had made him want to keep fighting, like her, along with her. She had made him want to live, to stay alive so that he could stay with her. She had given him hope for the future.
Before stepping back, he briefly touched her left hand.
He couldn't die now. He would survive the war, come back to her, and keep fighting along with her. Until the day he could put another ring on her finger. And long after that.
Back at his previous position, a couple of steps away from her, he gave her a smile. She looked like she was holding back tears, but returned a small, genuine smile, and he knew for sure that she knew his determination and believed in him. Even though there was no ring on her finger right now, they were connected by a bond that was stronger than ever, more than any ring could ever represent.
The End
A/N: I don't think Athrun and Cagalli's struggle as a couple in GSD is really about romance. It's more about understanding, acceptance, and trust. Their feelings for each other didn't seem to largely change from the beginning to the end. But through GSD, they came to have a better understanding of each other and themselves, and to fully accept and trust each other (and themselves).
As I mentioned above, this fic is based on the remastered version. One of the changes is how Cagalli acted after asking Meyrin to take care of Athrun. In the original version, she kept her eyes downward with a sad expression. In the remastered version, however, she lifted her head with a determined expression, which I really like. It made me somewhat relieved. If you haven't watched it yet, I recommend you to.
I also recommend you to watch other episodes, too. Overall, Cagalli seems somewhat stronger in the remastered version. Not to mention both AC kiss scenes in GS and GSD are completely new.
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My view on Cagalli and Jona's engagement is mostly based on another fan's comment. From what the staff said, it seems the engagement wasn't official before Uzumi's death. The Sarans had been insisting, but Uzumi hadn't really accepted it. After Uzumi's death, however, the Sarans started to act as if he had.
It makes more sense to me than Uzumi actually arranged the engagement. He doesn't strike me as the kind of father who decides for his child. He seems to be rather the kind of father who lets his child decide for themselves. He didn't even tell Cagalli she should protect Orb.
Not to mention I don't think Uzumi thought Jona is good as Cagalli's husband considering his (or the Sarans') attitude toward Coordinators.
Plus, I found it odd the way Myrna talked about the engagement. She said something like the engagement had been "kind of decided" when Cagalli was a child. I wondered why she didn't just say it had been decided. And this explains it.
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It's probably better to mention my view on the ring is also not quite original since as far as I know, this kind of view isn't common here. It's affected by the staff's comments and other fans' opinions.
One of the things that have the biggest influence is the director's comments, naturally. He said something along the lines of that he doesn't like a ring because it seems to him to be something like a chain, something to tie the woman down. He also said Cagalli and Athrun can have a happy future because she took off the ring.
Another one is Athrun's line from THE EDGE (a manga version of GSD). When he talked with Cagalli after his defection, he looked at the ring and thought, "Sorry. I didn't have the right to give you such a thing yet. I've only made mistakes out of my impatience, and haven't achieved anything yet..."
You can see how they affected my fic.
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As for the things that influenced my views, there's another one.
It's an analogy another fan had made, which affected my view on AC relationship overall: Cagalli is like a single mother, Orb being her child. If you're a single parent, you can't put your boyfriend/girlfriend first. Your top priority is your child. And if you want to have a relationship and eventually a life with a single parent, you have to accept and love their child as well.
My views and this fic are quite affected by various GSD songs, too.
Anyway, thank you for reading this long fic, and long note.
If you wrote a review of my previous fics, thank you for that, too. I owe you this fic. Your reviews kept me writing.
*edited 02/02/17*