1: Or else our beautiful pastiche will fall through the ceiling
During their first year of middle school, Shinji bleaches his hair. From what Yutaka knows, only punks and pretty boys and singers bleach their hair, and Mimura Shinji is none of those. What Mimura Shinji is, is cool. He's cool when he's on the basketball courts leaping up to score a basket like Michael Jordan. He's cool when he flirts with the girls in their class, making them blush. He's cool when he falls asleep when their teacher is talking, but always gets the third-highest test scores after Motobuchi and Kiriyama. He's even cool when he shows up for class one day with his head entirely blond.
"What did you do?" Yutaka shrieks in impressed horror. But Shinji just laughs and flicks him in the forehead.
"Trying something new, l'il pal."
Yutaka looks at him doubtfully but maybe Shinji has a point. All the girls immediately go crazy over Shinji, and even Fumiyo blushes when she looks at him for too long. Yutaka has liked Fumiyo ever since she gave him chocolates last Valentine's Day, the only girl to do so.
"Do you think Fumiyo-san will like me if I bleach my hair too?" Yutaka asks Shinji when they're walking home together. Shinji seems distracted by the arcade they're passing, but he looks at Yutaka when Yutaka asks his question.
"Fumiyo? There are prettier girls in the sea," Shinji grins. He slings an arm over Yutaka's shoulder and he feels warm and heavy. "Pleeenty of them."
"It's easy for you to say!" Yutaka laughs. He clasps his hands together and makes his voice real high. "Mimura-san, will you sign my bag for me? Mimura-san, would you like some juice?"
"Yutaka, buddy, they give me more than juice." Shinji's grin is young and lewd. His hair is so blond that it blinds.
"Yeah," Yutaka says sadly. "Hey, Mim, you want to go get ice cream instead? I'd kill for a scoop of green tea right now." He mimes a machine gun and goes ratatatata. He starts hopping on his feet, so full of restless energy that Shinji bursts out laughing. It's a hot summer day, only a week before they get off school for break. Yutaka buys three scoops of green tea ice cream on a waffle cone and the sun is so glaring that it melts most of it into a sticky mess over his fingers. He pretends to be angry but he's really not. It's hard to be in a bad mood when he's with his best friend, the coolest boy in school.
:::
2: I feel about average
Yutaka asks Shinji to teach him basketball.
Or rather, he says, "It can't be that hard, right?"
"Nah," says Shinji. "It's not hard. But you're kind of short."
"I am not!" Yutaka protests. He's five feet but he's still growing! Including his dick, though he doesn't mention that to Shinji even though he's seen Shinji's dick before in locker rooms when they change. Shinji isn't shy about his body. Sometimes Yutaka thinks Shinji isn't from the Republic of East Asia at all but an American. Shinji is tall like an American too. Of course Yutaka is short compared to him. Who isn't?
They're standing on the basketball court near their houses. Yutaka grabs the ball from Shinji's hands and starts dribbling it. "Yeah, yeah? Easy, see?" he says. He starts running down the court. It's hard to keep the ball bouncing and he puts so much attention into it that he doesn't notice Shinji stealing the ball from him until it's too late.
"Hey!" Yutaka cries.
"All part of the game, little man," Shinji says. He bounces on his toes and jump shots the ball into the hoop. "Score!"
"I hate you!" Yutaka says.
"No you don't. You want to be just like me," Shinji says. He's a little too close to the truth for Yutaka's comfort.
"Show me how you did that," Yutaka demands.
Shinji balances the ball on one finger. "Sure you're up for it? I won't go easy."
He doesn't. Shinji shoves Yutaka and he hip-checks Yutaka and he makes Yutaka run so fast that Yutaka's face is red like a burn afterwards and he's on his knees panting. "Shit," he says. "How do you do it, Mim?"
"I don't know. I just do," says Shinji.
Yutaka looks at Shinji standing above him like a god. Yutaka's still trying to breathe properly and it's probably the exhaustion that makes his stomach shift and his heart clench. "I feel sick," he moans. Shinji helps him up, and Shinji's hand is big. Yutaka can't see his own skin anymore.
:::
3: It's late but everything comes out
"Do you like girls?" Yutaka blurts out one day.
Shinji looks up from where he's playing an online MMORPG. "Whatcha mean? I'm no queer. Of course I like girls."
"I don't mean that!" Yutaka says, blushing. Of course Shinji isn't a queer. Shinji is cool and he goes through more condoms than Yutaka has ever seen. "I just mean..." He waves his hands wildly. "You don't seem to like any of the girls you sleep with."
Shinji gives him a weird look. "I don't need to like them."
"I just thought...it'd be...better, you know," Yutaka says. He's so embarrassed now. Who is he to tell Shinji what to do? But instead of getting angry Shinji just laughs.
"You're a real romantic, aren't you, l'il buddy?"
"So what if I am?" Yutaka says. He can't help it if he wants to find a gorgeous wife and settle down to have children who will call him daddy. It's what every normal boy wants.
"You sound like my uncle," Shinji says.
Yutaka met Shinji's uncle before he died. Shinji's uncle poured him a drink and told him that it was good that Shinji had a friend like Yutaka. "So down to earth" were his words. After his uncle died, Shinji stopped talking about him, but Yutaka knows that Shinji misses him. He even wears his uncle's earring. "Uncle was always telling me to thaw out and fall in love," Shinji says. "But that's just not my style, you know?"
"Yeah," says Yutaka. He can't imagine it at all.
"How about you get married and have kids, and I'll be their uncle?" Shinji says. "But marry a hot girl, you hear? I want to be an uncle to good-looking kids, so when I'm old and ugly I'll be happy looking up your daughter's skirts."
"You're a jerk," Yutaka says but he's grinning.
:::
4: My shadow pinned against a sweating wall
Like every other boy, Yutaka watches The Program. He doesn't think too much about it. It's just The Program, his mother is just his mother, his bed is just his bed, school is just school. Yutaka thinks his life is a little boring, all in all.
Shinji never watches The Program. One time when he is over at Yutaka's house and they are goofing around with the TV on, The Program starts airing. Yutaka says, "Hey, I almost forgot it was on" and plops down in front of the TV, but Shinji walks over and turns it off.
"What the hell?" Yutaka cries.
"Let's do something else," Shinji says. He's still smiling but his eyes are hard. Shinji can be scary sometimes, even to Yutaka, who has been his best friend for years.
"Okay," Yutaka says.
It's not until later that year that Yutaka gets it. Yutaka hears his mother sobbing and his father shouting on the phone, and when Yutaka turns on the TV to watch The Program, he recognizes one of the girls. It's his cousin Kaede, Kaede who always played video games with him when she was over. Kaede who had long legs and tangled hair. Kaede who refused to eat mushrooms even though they were her aunt's favourite. Kaede who gave him his first kiss. Yutaka throws up in his mouth when he sees Kaede's blown up head broadcasted to millions.
He doesn't want to cry in front of Shinji but he does anyway. Big, blubbering, childish tears, and he wails for Kaede into the softness of Shinji's shirt.
"It's not fair, Mim! It's not fucking fair!" he says.
"I know," Shinji says, and he doesn't complain afterwards that his shirt is totally soaked. The next day at school he doesn't mention it at all, and Yutaka is grateful. But Shinji asks him to go for ice cream after class and Shinji pulls out his wallet to pay for Yutaka's cone, which is Shinji's way of showing he cares.
Yutaka can pinpoint that as the moment. The moment when, in the fear of blood and death and tyranny, he falls in love with Mimura Shinji.
:::
5: You know and I know and thee know
One of the girls in Class A gets an abortion and everybody says it's Shinji's.
"Is it?" Yutaka asks.
"No idea," Shinji says. "I fucked her, yeah, but she fucked a lot of other guys too." He's so casual when he says it that Yutaka feels a little disgusted. Shinji's uncle was right. Shinji is too cold when it comes to the heart. It's funny how it's not until Yutaka starts thinking about Shinji like the girls do that he starts seeing Shinji's faults. Shinji isn't as good-looking as people think, he reflects. His eyes are a little too close-set and his chin is so pointed it could be considered severe. Shinji is also sort of a self-absorbed asshole.
Yutaka wonders if this is what it is like to grow up. If growing up means that you stop seeing gods and start seeing people instead.
Shinji is looking at him. Yutaka can't read the expression on Shinji's face but it looks a bit like that time when Yutaka asked if Shinji was gay.
"What?" Yutaka says, flustered.
"Nothing, little man," Shinji says. "Don't worry about it."
"Stop calling me that," Yutaka scowls. "I'm not the shortest guy in the class anymore."
Shinji snorts. "Dream on." But when he senses Yutaka's very real frustration, he adds, "Hey, I'm just kidding with you. There's nothing wrong with being short. Napoleon was short and Napoleon was hot shit."
Yutaka doesn't know who Napoleon is. Education in the Republic isn't really that great. But he gets Shinji's gist.
:::
6: Like a song's dark whiskey on the tongue
Yutaka breaks down when he finds out his class is chosen for The Program. He tries to be stronger. He thinks of the tough guys on the illicit American movies Shinji downloads for him - chain-smoking, gun-ready, fierce mouth and flinty eyes. They are his heroes, and he tries to be heroic for Fumiyo. And Kaede. But heroes are built out of the dream fragments of a nation that Yutaka has never been a part of. After he stumbles to a secluded spot where he might be safe, if for a while, he gives it up. He sinks to his knees. A fork. A fucking fork. He's going to die.
When he sees Shinji, for a moment Yutaka thinks that this is the end. He knows Shinji so well that he knows Shinji is capable of worse things than good guys like Nanahara suspect. Shinji's no angel. Yutaka feels the greasy taste of vomit in his mouth and he licks his tongue across it, trembling nervously as he catches sight of tall, glorious Shinji.
Shinji doesn't kill him. Shinji's mouth twists like he's laughing at Yutaka but there's no cruelty there. Yutaka wipes his tears fiercely and thinks about how Fumiyo died and how this is all fucked up and how Shinji is already armed with plans to get them off the island.
"You're awesome," he tells Shinji as Shinji crouches in the grove furiously manipulating programs on his laptop.
"Nah," Shinji says. "You're pretty cool too."
"Me?" Yutaka says shakily. "I'm weak. I've got no talent."
"You're funny."
"Only when people are laughing at me." Yutaka looks over Shinji's shoulder and feels stupid when he looks at the complicated script. He starts to say something else but Shinji claps a hand over Yutaka's mouth, reminding him that they're being tapped.
Shinji's hand is calloused and rough. Yutaka's tongue darts out, wanting to feel the texture of Shinji's skin. Shinji grows very still. He removes his hand.
"I..." Yutaka begins. He doesn't know how to apologize. Now Shinji will know that he's a flaming queer just like Tsukioka. Maybe Shinji will want to kill him because of it. But Shinji just looks at him with large, surprised eyes while Yutaka squirms uncomfortably.
Then Shinji kisses him. Shinji's broad shoulders block out Yutaka's line of vision but he doesn't need to see Shinji to know that Shinji's mouth is soft and nervous. He grips Yutaka at a weird angle and his breath smells because they're nowhere near safety or a toothbrush. Yutaka doesn't care. Shinji licks his way into Yutaka's mouth tentatively. Yutaka whimpers and wonders if those in HQ can hear it, if they know what he and Shinji are doing, if through his collar they can tell how aroused he is.
"I'm going to save you," Shinji says when they break apart for air. He keeps his arm around Yutaka. His mouth presses into a determined line. "Trust me on it."
Yutaka curls his hand around Shinji's bicep. "Not if I save you first."
:::
7: A face only a few steps away from death, this is how I like you best
Seto Yutaka dies in the throes of forgiveness. His heart is pulled so tight that he can taste the sweetness in his bones.
He also dies in Shinji's arms. That, he thinks, is kind of nice and goofy at the same time. Shinji looks like a prince or a noble samurai even though he's covered in Yutaka's blood. Shinji also looks completely shocked. Yutaka wants to tell him that it's okay. There was hope for a while but the odds were against them. It's not Shinji's fault. It's just the way their messed up world is.
He tries to tell Shinji to run. Shinji is smart. Shinji is dangerous. Shinji can escape this island and go somewhere, maybe America. Yutaka has an image of Shinji in New York, his long legs encased in jeans, Yankee girls staring as he goes. Shinji can play for the NBA and make millions, retiring to a lakefront mansion with the woman who will thaw his heart. Yutaka only hopes that Shinji will remember him; him and the rest of their classmates. If he does, then Yutaka will be happy.
It's a fucked up world but it's the only one they've got.