A/N: This may be a slightly familiar scenario to the fans of ER: The Early Years but somehow when I sat down to write this little MS fic the words flowed and there was no stopping them so...WULLAH...here you have it...I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy chocolate! (A WHOLE LOT)!!!
The quotes at the beginning and end of the fic (in italics), are lyrics to a song called "Broken Castles" by Ray Price.
Broken Castles
I saw my castles fall today
And crumble into dust beneath my feet.
In shambles there my future lay,
Each broken stone a dream so sweet.
A penetrating rain drove down on New York City, a myriad of dark clouds obscuring the light of a restless moon. She too was restless, tossing and turning in a half empty bed, afraid of the loneliness and solemnity that the night had given her. It was not supposed to be this way. It could not be this way. Not after she had fought so hard and sacrificed so much for things to be different.
And yet it seemed she would always end up alone. Always be fighting the perpetuity of night, for it was the time when there were no mundane distractions to dissuade her mind from regret and fear. At work, when daylight held sovereignty, the everyday conversations with colleagues, contact with victims and suspects, lunch with friends could take precedent, the night was nothing but a distant challenge that she refused to give thought to until she was forced to face it.
And now, now she had no choice, but to lie alone in the bed they had once shared, the television a monotonous hum, a soundtrack to solitude, a background to isolation, she could not dismiss. For twenty-six days she had inhabited this alternate universe. This world that was not her own. That would never be hers until they found their way to each other again. She couldn't see how that would happen though. Couldn't fathom a way for the universe to find equilibrium once more. He was gone. And she was still here. That was the reality. That was life.
The shrill ring of the phone echoed through the apartment and she held her breath, knowing without doubt the voice she would hear should she have the courage to answer. She couldn't decide if she wanted to talk to him, or if she was still to angry with him for leaving her all alone to face a world he had promised her they would confront together. But where was he now? Miles away in an unknown city, living a life she was not party to, doing his job like it was the only things that mattered, like he cared more about that than he did her.
With a shaky hand she reached for the phone, her voice faltering slightly, afraid of what, she could not be certain. She wanted to hear his voice, she needed to and she heard herself murmuring "Hello," before she had a chance to understand the implications of, for the very first time, answering his call.
"Hey," he sounded far away and her heart almost broke right there at the realization once again, that he was. He was on the other side of the country now, it was impossible for them to be any further apart and still inhabit the same land, breathe the very same air.
"Hey," she echoed him for she did not know what else she could say. She was afraid, if she let herself, she would unleash a torrent of angry words and saturate him with the resentment that littered her waking hours. She had been left alone, in this apartment where they'd made their home, where they had tried in vain to conceive a child, where they had made love countless times and where they had whispered promises to each other, when they had nothing else to cling to.
Where were those promises now, she longed to beg of him. What had forced him to just close his eyes to everything they had built, everything they had worked for? In reality, she knew the implications, knew every tiny detail of the path they had travelled that had led them to this very moment. She tried to forget but all trials were in vain because she would not lose those memories ever. They were ingrained somewhere inside of her, deep down in the depths of her heart where she had once kept only the happiness he bestowed on her, only the joy that he brought to her life.
"I've been calling you." It was an attempt to prove he loved her, that he'd been trying to contact her despite her pleas for him to leave her in peace to get on with her life, so she could rebuild what was left of her shattered castle now he'd torn down all the walls. He hadn't listened though. Stubborn as always, refusing to back down because he thought he knew what was best, what she needed when in fact he was doing what he needed instead.
"I know. I didn't want to talk to you."
She could hear the hurt even in his silence and she felt quietly jubilant that she'd managed to cause him pain when the reason she was suffering lay simply in the fact that he had done wrong and he could not stand to face that. He had run away. That was what he had done. Took off to the nether ends of the earth, hoping that a fresh start could erase mistakes and new people could renew his faith in himself. He had begged her to join him. Stood before her with his head hung low and his eyes glistening with unshed tears, telling her over and over again that he loved her and he wanted her with him, wherever that may be.
But she was stubborn too. This was the life she had made for herself. New York was her home. Her friends, her job, the only place she'd ever known as an adult, and she couldn't give that up on a whim, just because he asked her to. She had too much pride. "I want you to stay here," she had begged, her voice faltering as she cursed herself for ever falling in love in the first place. But he had shaken his head solemnly and spoke, "I can't. There's nothing for me here." There had been anger, erupting from within her, coating him with shame as he realized the implications of his words. "What about me?"
"There's no job for me here," had been his protest and she had shook her head in sadness for she knew she had already lost him, he was already boarding that plane and leaving her far behind. The argument had continued for a week, right up until the second she had kissed him goodbye and watched him heave his rucksack onto his back and disappear from her sight. That final night, he had held her close, made love to her like she was the most precious thing in his world. "You belong to me," he had sobbed and she hadn't been able to disagree, for it was the truth and the whole world knew it. "Stay with me then," she tried again but like he'd already told her that was something he couldn't do. "There's a job for me out in California. I have to take it. If I stay here I have nothing. No one is going to hire me for anything. I'm a screw up and the whole city knows it."
"You have me," she had whispered, turning away from him in the darkness, afraid that if she looked at him a moment longer her entire being would unravel and she'd never get herself together again.
"What made you change your mind?" he spoke now, more sure of himself. Something had obviously changed; she had answered the phone, that was surely a sign and he clung to that while he waited for her answer.
"I don't know."
"How are you?" It was odd, this strained conversation between the two of them, the kind of talk that comes from knowing someone so intimately and yet trying to keep them at a distance.
"I'm okay."
"Good. That's good…I guess."
She shook her head and buried her face in his pillow, which resided alongside her own, still carrying his scent, still boasting the imprint of him. "What do you want Martin?" She was callous and unkind not willing to listen to another second of this mindless pain drumming against her skull.
He was taken aback by her question and choked on his own reply, words fleeing his mind as he realized, unlike he had hoped, time had not given her a chance to cool off, had not made her understand his dire need for escape, nor his desperate ramblings that they could not survive alone, apart from each other.
"I just wanted to talk to you," the honest to God truth, he'd missed her more than he'd missed anything in his life. He spent hours in the darkness of his unfurnished studio apartment, wishing that he had made a different decision when it had been time to make decisions in the first place, that he hadn't compromised an investigation, hadn't killed a witness out of sheer disgust for what that person had said.
But he'd lost it, it had been because of her but she didn't know that. She didn't know what that man had said about her, words he cared not to hear but circled themselves in his head over and over again until they were imprinted on his brain, never to be forgotten. She couldn't understand his impetus and she never would because he would never tell her. There were some things she didn't need to know and this was one.
"I don't want to talk to you," she closed her eyes as tears stalked down her face, more tears than she'd ever cried in a lifetime had fallen since he'd left her.
"Come on Sam," he felt compelled to reason with her, to remind her how in love they had once been, how they were engaged, even though he didn't know if that still stood given the circumstances. He could not scrummage a good argument though, there wasn't one and they both knew that as thoroughly as they knew each other.
"No." She was firm even in her distress. "You left me. You swore there was nothing left for you in New York. That was your decision. And I asked you…I begged you to let me be for awhile, let me learn to live with out you again, and you promised me…you looked me right in the eye and promised me you would do whatever I needed you to do, but you couldn't stay in New York. And still Martin you've done what you've needed, you've called me every night, left me messages, begged me to pick up the phone. But I've got nothing left to say to you. I don't know what to say to you…" she broke down in tears, wishing she had the strength to just hang up on him, to slam down the phone and pretend he had never called, that just like every other night she had ignored the shrill pertinence of the phone.
She was breaking down though. He was breaking her with what he had already done, with the sound of his voice so familiar and yet as strange as anything she had ever heard. "I'm sorry." He did not have anything else to say, for what more could he possibly have come up with. Everything she said was the truth. He had done what was right for him, damn the consequences or whoever else suffered in the process. It was unlike him and still it had happened because there were things he believed in that sometimes prevailed like honesty and integrity and justice in a world that sadly lacked all three.
And here he was, disobeying his promise to her, his solemn swearing that he would give her time to settle into this new life before he reminded her too much of the old. He had done that because he needed to hear her voice, needed to know that despite it all, underneath everything this woman would always love him just they way he loved her.
"Yeah…well…" he could hear the tears in her voice, could imagine them rolling down her cheeks and when he closed his eyes he could see himself kissing them away, annulling their presence with his love for her. She was silent and he wondered if she could see it too, if they were both thinking the same memory, if they would always be that in tune with each other.
"I have to go now Martin." She sounded so very tired, like this one phone call had sucked the life right from within her and had left her an empty shell of a woman, talking and breathing but empty all the same. He understood that she had probably been emptied a while ago, 26 days ago to be exact and it had been his doing. If only he had the power to find her again, the way he had known her, alive and sparkling, full of life and always ready for a good argument about anything. He was too far away now though, living his new life, trying to pretend most of his old hadn't existed. Except for her, she would always exist, she was a part of him and she always would be.
He nodded, although he knew she could not see him anyway. "I'll call you again soon."
"No Martin. Please. Give me time," she breathed unsteadily, desperation in her voice pleading with him to grant her this wish, to give her this one thing in the face of all his other disappointment.
"Sam…"
"No. I let you go. I did that for you, now do this for me…please."
"Fine. Will you call me then?"
"Soon," she promised, wondering how soon it would really be, how long it would take to find herself in that broken castle he'd left her in. How long would it take her to rebuild those walls? How long till she'd be able to feel complete again? They were all questions that had no answers and yet answers she desperately needed to start her life again. She was on a permanent pause at the moment, like when Martin had left he'd taken the remote control that operated her life with him and she could not go again until he came back to her once more.
"Goodbye Martin," she put the phone down, rolling over in bed and burrowing beneath the covers, curled into herself like that would protect her from the pain that stabbed at her heart. She knew it wouldn't, nothing could and she knew she shouldn't have hung up that phone.
There were things that needed to be said that she hadn't said, secrets to be told that could scarcely wait but telling him filled her with fear. What if she told him and he came running back to her? Running back to New York where he could not live. She would know then that he wasn't there because he wanted to be, he would be there because of obligation and that wasn't the way she wanted him. Not at all.
She stared at the phone on the nightstand, towering in the darkness like a miniature tower. He wouldn't expect her to call right back, she'd have the element of surprise although she was fairly certain when she through she would have that anyway. They hadn't expected this, not now especially and she despised life for throwing things at her at the most inconceivable times, when she could barely deal with the consequences.
She held her breath as the phone rang, as he answered, as the shock registered in his voice when she muttered her greeting to him. They sat in their respective cities in desolate silence for several moments before she spoke. "Martin, there's something I have to tell you."
"Ok." He wondered if he was about to be told off again, about to be forced to listen to words that broke her and killed him at the same time. "I'm pregnant Martin."
He froze. This couldn't be happening. It wasn't happening. It was too unreal. He couldn't be a father now; his life was falling to pieces at the seams. "Are you serious?"
She scoffed. "I'm not joking with you," she sniped, scarcely believing he had even had the nerve to ask such a question in the first place.
"What do you want to do?" he asked quietly.
"I think the question here is what do you want to do?" she shot back at him.
"I never thought it would happen this way. I wanted a kid with you so bad but I wanted to be there with you. I wanted to be a family."
"Yeah, well that might be a little hard now."
"Why didn't you tell me before?" he questioned, knowing that in reality it didn't really matter. He knew now.
"Couldn't exactly think of a way to drop it into the conversation."
"Right."
"I'm having this baby Martin. You have to decide how involved you want to be."
"I want to come home," he whispered so quiet she almost missed the words entirely.
"Don't come home out of some paternal obligation. I don't want you here like that. I want you to come home because you love me and because you want to have a baby with me. Don't come home for any other reason." She could feel the tears building behind her eyes, stinging the corners, forcing them shut in an attempt to block out the pain.
"I want to," suddenly he was adamant. "I'm miserable here Sam. This place could never be home. I…I don't know what I was thinking."
"You were thinking that you don't have a job here, as I recall, that equated to having nothing." Her words were scathing but he brushed them off like they were nothing out of the ordinary.
"I could get a job in Jersey," he suggested. "Hell I could get a job doing anything. I'm done Sam; I can't live this life anymore. I thought I could, I thought it was exactly what I needed but I've realized I don't need anything but you."
"You wouldn't feel this way if I wasn't pregnant though…" this was what she didn't want. She didn't want to always wonder if he had come back because of the baby or because he really did love her, really needed her just as much as he said he did.
"Maybe I would have stayed here longer if you hadn't told me. But I'm not going to. I'm going to give my two weeks notice and I'll be back in New York as soon as I can. I love you…"
She opened her eyes and stared into the darkness, the loneliness fading by the second, a calm settling over her as she realized he was coming back. She stared from her castle at her world and just like she had always known, that world was nothing when he was absent from it. He had made that world, had shown her that life could be more than she had ever know. She couldn't wait for him to join her again, to have a child that was part of each of them, to live in their castle and look out at what they had created.
It was funny she thought how quickly things could change, how lives were restored by mere words and how hearts could be fixed by promises that held the world, how walls could be torn down and rebuilt without a thought and how quickly a broken castle could once again stand in its former glory.
I built the heaven in the sky
Where my true love and I could stay.
Then came the words that meant goodbye.
I saw my castles fall today...