The Literary Smut Paradigm
"You know what I don't understand?" asked Raj as he picked at his beef stroganoff. "Why doesn't Magneto just come out of the closet? I mean, he's so obviously gay."
"What? How did you come to that conclusion?" asked Leonard, his brows scrunched in his signature furrow.
"Yeah, that seems pretty ludicrous," agreed Howard.
"He's an old bachelor that doesn't date women, despite how powerful and awesome he is. He and Professor Xavier have a 'long history' together, and speaking of, Professor X had to use a wheelchair after Magneto 'drove a spike' into his back? Dude, he's like the Dumbledore of Marvel." Leonard opened his mouth to argue, but found nothing to say. He turned to Howard who was looking at Raj with complete disbelief as Raj ate at his stroganoff. Leonard decided to just move on.
"Anyways, where is Sheldon? It's lunchtime and I don't want him to miss lunch. You know how cranky he gets if his eating schedule gets messed up," said Leonard. Raj rolled his eyes.
"He's arguing with Professor Gablehauser about why the university is cutting down his budget."
"Oh great they're making cuts again? This means we're going to have to do another one of those fundraisers again soon."
"Looking forward to it?" asked Howard, waggling his eyebrows. "I guess the bar scene has been pretty unforgiving to you lately. I'm sure Mrs. Latham told all her friends about you." He and Raj giggled.
"Yeah, I'm sure she wrote your name on the walls of the bathroom in the senior citizen's center!" Raj added.
"Haha," Leonard said sarcastically. "Seriously, though, I hate those things. It's so awkward and demeaning."
"He's just saying that because all those old ladies hit on him all night when we have fundraisers," said Howard.
"Can we please move on?" Leonard pleaded over their laughter. "Halo night is going to be so fun tonight with a cranky, underfed, under-budgeted Sheldon."
"We should let Penny be on his team. You know, just to throw him a bone."
"That's a very thoughtful idea, Raj," Leonard said, smiling.
"Too bad Penny hates being on Sheldon's team." Raj said, thinking out loud. "Talk about cranky."
"I just remembered! She's been on this juice cleanse for like a week and she has been so moody," Leonard added.
"Ah, Halo night is going to be so fun tonight with a cranky, underfed, underpaid Penny," quipped Howard.
"Come to think of it, I wouldn't want either of them on my team tonight," said Raj. The other two nodded.
The boys and Penny were all gathered in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment. Howard was passing out the Chinese food and was just about to get to the last of Sheldon's when he stopped, frozen like the Artic land in which they had spent an entire summer.
"Where's my low sodium soy sauce?" Sheldon asked when he had not received it in an acceptable time after receiving his diced chicken with brown rice.
"It's not here," said Howard, each word slowly falling out of his mouth like poisoned toads. Raj, Leonard, and Penny all looked up at him from their food boxes, and trays.
"What do you mean? I always eat my Chinese food with low sodium soy sauce!" said Sheldon.
"Well, it's not here," said Howard as he sat down. "Pass me the dumplings." Raj tried to do so, but Sheldon snapped at his hand with chopsticks like a takeout ninja when he reached for the dumplings.
"Howard, you know I cannot eat my food without my low sodium soy sauce."
"Here we go," said Leonard.
"Sheldon, sweetie, can't you just use regular soy sauce this one time?" asked Penny. She smiled at him, giving him her cute face. Sheldon turned his head towards Penny, giving her in turn, his infamous death look.
"Sheldon, can't you just use regular soy sauce this one time?" mimicked Sheldon, his shoulders hunched, and his face screwed up with disdain. "Sheldon, can't we just try playing Halo on Friday night?" Penny chewed at her lips.
" Sheldon, it's one time! We're just trying something different!" said Penny, obviously annoyed.
"Yeah, variety is the spice of life! Besides, we are still eating Chinese food like we do every Friday, aren't we?" said Leonard.
"Oh, are we?" Sheldon asked, his back ramrod straight, his normally heavy lidded eyes opened wide like a yellow rose of Texas in bloom. "I'm not eating Chinese food. You four are eating Chinese food. I'm eating dry, bland shredded chicken with khaki colored rice!" Sheldon was now standing up, hands flailing like a dying goldfish. He stomped away, heading towards the door.
"Wait. Where are you going?" asked Leonard, his brows scrunching up in concern.
"I'm going to get my low sodium soy sauce!" Sheldon slammed the door behind him. The three men and Penny sat in shocked silence.
"…How is he going to get to the store? He doesn't even have his bus pants on," said Raj.
It wasn't very hot or very cold in Pasadena this particular night. It was a quiet, contemplative sort of night. The kind of night when the world just lets Sheldon Cooper, PhD be. There was no need of a jacket, and lucky for Sheldon, too. He had left his on his computer chair. That wasn't like Sheldon at all. He always brought his jacket in case it got cold. His mother had told him to always bring a jacket when he left the house, and she only ever had to tell him the one time. He remembered it clearly. Sheldon sighed. He also had forgotten to wear his bus pants, the pants specially designated to be worn over his regular pants when he rode the bus. Now his plaid pants would be ruined. He would need to throw them away, or rather donate them to Goodwill. His mother also instilled in him a sense of charity growing up.
The bus pulled in and opened its doors to Sheldon. He got in, paid the machine the exact amount of change to ride and get a transfer to get home. He took a seat near the front, but not too near as they were clearly designated for the elderly, and the handicapped. The bus pulled out of the curb and Sheldon resigned himself to a wary bus ride, devoid of any thinking. That is exactly what Sheldon needed right now. He needed to turn his superbrain off, if just for an hour. This week had been especially trying for Sheldon. That fool, Gablehauser, had cut his budget in half, Halo night had been moved to better accommodate Penny, his low sodium soy sauce had been forgotten, Amy Farrah Fowler had tried to kiss him twice, he had not been able to relieve himself of his "primitive desires" since last month, and Raj had beaten him in a game of Chess with Friends. He had also heard that Leslie Winkle may be getting more funds for her budget! Sheldon rubbed his eyes and tried to concentrate on not thinking. It was harder than he thought it would have been. How did Penny manage to do it on a daily basis?
The bus jerked forward and a previously unnoted book flopped off the seat beside him and landed onto the floor with a thud. Sheldon looked down and read the title written in silver, curvy lettering on the coverless, black bound hardcover book.
Penny for Your Thoughts
Sheldon picked up the book. He didn't know why, but he did. In the back of his mind he knew the book was probably infested with influenza, or small pox. He knew the floor was a bedpan of disease. He knew the whole bus was crawling with life threatening germs. Sheldon Cooper, PhD. wanted to shut off his brain, and so he manually overrode the program that ran that part of his hard drive and picked up the unassuming book.
It wasn't very thick, not like the physics books through which he normally perused. It wasn't very thin, either, not like the children's books he liked to read late at night when he couldn't get to sleep, or when he needed advice on how to deal with bullies or other social activities. Nor was it fragile like the comic books he so strived to keep mint. He didn't know what it was, but the book called to him. Not literally, of course. He wasn't crazy. His mother had him tested.
He opened the book to the title page. It was written by a Luna Black. Sheldon decided to open the book at a random spot and read one paragraph to judge if the book would be just enough drivel to shut off his brain, but not too much drivel that it would annoy him.
He felt her nipples harden underneath his warm fingertips—
Sheldon snapped the book shut. This was one of those books. He had previously come across a book like this twice. The first was when Penny gave him one as a birthday gift. A sort of practical joke he did not find amusing and threw out as soon as she went home across the hall. The second at Amy's apartment, hidden underneath her couch cushion. There were miniature post its tabbing what Sheldon deduced were her "favorite" sections of the book. The first time he knew what kind of book it was based on the picture on the cover. The second time Amy had told him what kind of book it was when he had found it. Like this book, Amy's book had a simple, picture-less cover, and an unpretentious title. Perhaps this was the solution he needed. This was mindless enough to distract him, yet exciting enough to keep his attention. He certainly was intrigued by the book. Sheldon thought about it some more and sure enough he felt his pants tighten around the crotch area. It had been almost a month since he had masturbated, and he was just now drawing the conclusion from that to his increased irritability. Normally Sheldon would take care of his sexual desires three times a week in an efficient, speedy manner. This would ensure he not be distracted by such a primitive need like his friends; however hard he tried to prevent this very thing from happening, here he was: horny and annoyed, stuck on a bus on Friday night, low sodium soy sauce-less.
Sheldon sighed and gave in. He turned to chapter one.
Penny walked back to her apartment across the hall. She was done with this juice cleanse! The lack of food made her incredibly irritable, and she didn't like it. She decided to take the edge off her lousy week with a little "me time" as she referred to it. She hadn't had one in a while, and tonight seemed perfect.
She locked her door behind her and headed for her bedroom. It was late, but she wasn't tired. She turned on her laptop and brushed her teeth as it loaded. Penny mused about possibly getting a new one, as she bought this one almost five years ago, but she really didn't have the funds at the moment. She brushed her teeth and washed her face, her body already twenty times more relaxed than at any other time that week.
Penny went back to her laptop and checked the wifi connection out of habit. Sheldon hadn't changed the password yet this month! It was a sign from God that her week was finally turning around. She logged onto her email and clicked on the new mail she had received sometime during dinner. She hadn't stayed for Halo night. Truth be told she felt kind of bad about Sheldon leaving. She texted him before reading her new mail, and he replied he was already on his way home. Well, that was a relief.
Penny!
I just met with the bigwigs upstairs and they want a sequel, ASAP! I am aiming for publication in three months. I know that seems fairly quick, but you've already built a fan base, and it's growing by word of mouth. I can't believe the amount of success you are achieving with your first ever novel. You should be really proud, Penny. I assume you will want to continue using your pen name?
By the way, don't forget to call that investment banker I told you about. You really need to do something with your money now that you have quite a little bundle, and it will only grow from here. I'll call you tomorrow to set up a meeting. Talk to you soon, Luna!
Best regards,
Justine
Penny read the email two more times and sighed with relief. She tossed her head back and her body followed. She landed on her back, met by her new down comforter. It was really much too hot for it, but she had splurged on it. She had just gotten her first royalties check from her book last month and she went shopping after not touching the money for over a month. She wanted to make sure it was REALLY there. She wanted to have it be untouched just in case they wanted it back, whoever they were.
"Wow," she said aloud. "I wrote a freaking book!" Granted, she couldn't exactly tell anyone. She was proud, yet embarrassed all at the same time. Penny had not only written and published a book; she had written and published a dirty book. Erotica, her editor had called it. Smut, she thought to herself. Well, she couldn't exactly phone home about it. But wow! She, Penny, had written a book all by herself. It had been a long week and she was ready to relax.
Penny pulled her copy of Penny for Your Thoughts out of her nightstand. She turned to chapter one and began to read, indulging herself in an old fantasy.