A/n: This story is dedicated to my best friend, Erin, who requested it. Hope you enjoy!

Jim had recovered remarkably. The serum of Kahn's blood had healed him from the inside out. There were a few places where he maintained permanent damage to the skin due to the radiation, mostly on his hands and upper arms where the skin had been in direct contact with the radiation of the warp core. McCoy had offered to use the dermal regenerator to clear up the patches of discoloration, but Kirk had refused.

"Why would you want to keep it?"

"It reminds me that I tried. It reminds me that even though some died, I tried to save them all."

The sound of his voice had been so soft, resigned, and broken that Bones let the subject drop. It was never brought up again.

After two months of bed rest, Kirk was released to duty again with a cocktail of prescriptions to take and six weeks mandatory physical therapy to combat the muscle loss due to disuse.

He struggled, but succeeded in regaining muscle mass and filling out again. He took his medications, and after the six weeks, he was back to perfect health.

In the eight months left before the Enterprise was due to return to space, Kirk had worked. He sent out personal notices to all the families of those lost offering his condolences and apologies. He worked with Scotty for a few weeks to oversee the repairs and upgrades made to his ship. He volunteered to help clean up the remnants of the U.S.S. Vengeance and build houses for those that had lost them when the massive war ship crashing into San Francisco. He had issued reports, captain's logs, and official statements to Admiralty. He was constantly pouring over padds of information ranging from engineering to biographies of those that had died, to transcripts of those meant to come aboard the Enterprise when her five year mission began.

Kirk spent a majority of this time alone. Others went to visit family— Chekov and Sulu had gone to Russia to visit and meet Pavel's family, Spock was off planet on New Vulcan to see the new colony and visit with his father, Bones, as soon as he was done patching up Kirk, had gone home to Georgia to visit his little girl. Some were on vacation in exotic places— Scotty went on a drinking and sandwich adventure in Europe as soon as he had approved all the work to be done on the ship, stopping to visit his extend family along the way, Uhura was taking a tour of Central America to visit different countries and take the opportunity to pick up a few new languages. Everyone was off relaxing, having fun, and enjoying family and friends.

Everyone except for Kirk.

Kirk had contemplated taking a week to visit Iowa. The idea was quickly discarded, though, when he was informed that his mother was off planet and the house only had Frank in it. Jim had hated his step father as a child and had no interest in seeing the vile man as an adult. And as far as he knew, Sam was still gone and besides his mom, Sam was the only one that Kirk would want to see. So, with the two people he wanted to see gone and the one he wanted to avoid there, Kirk didn't go home.

He considered going to the bar, finding a woman, and taking her anywhere she wanted to go while he had leave. It was the exact thing he would have done any other time. The thought, though, repulsed him so complete that when it first popped into his head, he'd thrown up. The idea of wasting this second chance, wasting it the way he had wasted his father's sacrifice for so long, made Kirk violently ill. Every time he even thought about doing something other than work, the images of those who'd died flashed behind his eye lids and his whole body trembled. So, he didn't go on vacation, he didn't visit home, and he didn't spend any of his time off with people he cared about. He spent the entire eight months after his recovery completely absorbed in work. And he was happy to spend it like that. He ate just enough to be comfortable, he slept just enough to function properly, and he exercised only because it had become habit. He was content.

Around two weeks before the Enterprise was set to be rechristened, his crew began to show up in the city again. Uhura was back first, sporting fine new earrings from a tiny country Kirk couldn't pronounce the name of. Scotty was back second, ten pounds heavier with an accent thicker than molasses. Chekov, Sulu, and Bones all showed up around the same time with content smiles and stories from home. Spock was the last one home, and even he looked more relaxed than when he had left. He expressed that his visit had been enjoyable and that New Vulcan was a fine planet for the colony.

They had all agreed to meet up when they returned to the city, to share pictures and stories from their adventures. It was a cool Thursday evening when they all met up at a popular bar near Star Fleet HQ. For about an hour they chatted, laughed, shared, and drank to the tune of poorly auto-tuned music. It wasn't until Scotty was done telling a riveting story of a bar fight he witnessed in Scotland that Chekov piped up with:

"Vhere is Keptain Kirk?"

The whole group went silent as they tried to remember if they'd seen Kirk since being back.

"I checked his records when I got into town, medically, he's been fine. Went to all his checkups with M'Benga, on time and everything. Needless to say that I was pleasantly surprised. I can't say I've seen 'im in person though."

"I just assumed the laddy found a lassie to spend time with."

A round of nods followed that comment, but silence reigned.

"Do you think he's alright? I mean, I know that you signed him off medically speaking, Leonard, but is he okay?" Uhura asked quietly. "Has he spoken to any of us since being released?" Her eyes searched the group imploringly before nodding. "So, I ask again, is he okay?"

"I'm sure Scotty was right, Uhura. I bet he found a girl and whisked her off for fun in the sun," Sulu offered weakly. For some reason, that didn't settle well with any of those in the group.

The rest of the night was spent drinking and offering quiet stories, but with the absence of Kirk acknowledge, the atmosphere felt much colder and emptier.

When they separated ways for the night, Spock was still thinking about the captain. It did not sit well with him that no one knew the whereabouts of the blonde male in the entire year that they had been separated. So, upon making it to his dwellings, he logged into his padd and searched for the captain's logs in the Star Fleet database.

From what he could gather, the captain had been very busy in the time that they had not seen each other. He had gotten immense amounts of work done for Star Fleet, for the ship, and for the city of San Francisco. However, nowhere in the logs did it indicate that Kirk had left the city the entire time that they had been on leave. Disturbed by this for an unknown reason, Spock rose from his desk and grabbed his long silent communicator from the low table near the door. Tracking the captain's communicator, he found that Kirk was in his own residence just two floors above Spock's. Quickly collecting his keys, Spock headed toward his captain's quarters. He paused halfway out the door, though, and re-entered his rooms to grab his standard chess board. Now, with game in hand, he headed for the nearest lift.

Kirk was sitting in the middle of his living room floor with his legs folded under him, surrounded by padds when there was a knock on the door. He gave the door a strange look, considering no one had been to see him since his release from the hospital and it was awfully late at night for visitors, but called a loud "come in" before looking back at the padd closest to him on his left. It contained a detailed diagram of the warp core of the Enterprise. The engineer overseeing the refit while Scotty was gone had circled the areas that needed to be upgraded and was asking for authorization to proceed. Wanting to be informed about what he was allowing on his ship, Kirk was reading every little note included on the upgrade request and making sure it was stable to use.

He was so absorbed in his reading that, when Spock entered his rooms, he didn't notice the Vulcan until Spock was standing directly over him and clearing his throat.

Jumping at the noise, Kirk looked up and offered a small smile. Spock couldn't help but compare it to the bright smile he usually received when seeing the captain. To be honest, he was surprised that the captain was awake. He hadn't considered the time until he had already knock on the door.

"Captain," he said in a way of greeting.

"Mr. Spock," Kirk returned with a nod of the head toward an empty chair. Spock accepted the offer and took a moment to observe the captain and his work. It seemed that the blonde man was far from sleeping.

"You appear… To have been busy, captain."

Kirk chuckled softly and nodded at the work.

"The life of a captain, I suppose. Lots to get done before the old girl takes to the skies again." His tone appeared to be light and his smile was an easy one. However, Spock had spent enough time around this man to know that everything was off. The tone was light, but edge with wariness and exasperation. His smile was easy, but it was tired. This man in front of him was not the vibrant, energetic, charismatic captain he had come to know. He was a shadow of that man; tired, wary, and depressed. Discomfort coiled in Spock's stomach and he had to push the feelings down before he spoke again.

"Yes, however, it was to my understanding that Star Fleet gave the entire crew of the Enterprise leave until the ship repairs were complete. Yet, you have done nothing but work and volunteer since leaving the hospital—"

"What are you trying to tell me, Spock?" The easy tone was gone, replaced with exasperation and a sigh. Spock realized, abruptly, how tired the captain truly looked. Deep lines along his forehead and mouth showed tension and stress for many months. His shoulders usually held high and back, were slumped forward as if they were being weighed down heavily.

Spock blinked at the interruption and tried to figure out what exactly he was trying to say. He had no real reason to be worried about the captain. Kirk, for once, was doing the work Spock had pestered him to do for months. He was staying out of danger and acting responsibly. Logically, he had nothing to worry about from the captain's behavior. Except for the fact that this logical behavior was completely out of character for Kirk. And that was what worried Spock, despite his logical side telling him he was being foolish.

"I was merely commenting on your activities during our leave, captain. And how they were very out of character for you."

A flash of guilt rippled over the captain's face before it went smooth again and Kirk cracked a grin.

"Yeah, well, I have to start acting like a captain sometime."

Spock didn't comment on the statement, despite how it tightened his stomach. The rest of Spock's visit was spent talking idly about the ship, Spock's trip, and completely avoiding what Kirk had done for the past year.

The chess set sat, forgot and ignored, in Spock's lap the entire time.