Stage Five: Loss

It was deep. How far the knife went through his heart. How far the knife of pain went through his heart and pierced his it and his soul. As he watched his love fade away before his eyes.

Merlin held him in his arms, his shoulders shaking as the tears fell. Arthur's eyes barely open, and Merlin just stared into those beautiful eyes, the eyes he probably wouldn't see again. They were filled with regret, he could see. Regret because he hadn't been able to spend more time with Merlin, pain because he would be leaving and despair because he was slipping away from Merlin, from Camelot, from his life he loved so much. His life he would never see again.

"Please don't leave me," Merlin whispers through his tears, "please, I - I can't live without you. Please, just don't go, please don't go." Merlin burst into deeper tears.

"Merlin," Arthur whispered, bringing his hand up to his face, Merlin looked back up into Arthur's eyes, "I want you to know, I have always loved you, always. You have made my life so much better. You have brightened every day, minute, second of my life. I am so grateful. Please, don't live in regret. Don't think of what could be done. Just remember me for who I was. Remember us for what we were. Remember what life was like, cherish it, but move on. Please, do that for me Merlin. Please don't blame yourself. It's never your fault."

Merlin just stared at Arthur and he let out a choked sob, "I can't do that Arthur, you mean too much to me. I will never forget, never. You will always be my one love and I will always love you. I will wait for you. I will. Even if it takes a thousand years. I will find you and I will be with you again."

Arthur laughed silently, as best he could at deaths door, "You always were hopeless Merlin."

Merlin laughed between his tears. Arthur's breath hitched. Merlin grabbed onto Arthur tighter.

"Please. PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME!" Merlin screamed. He couldn't lose him. He couldn't. Not like this.

Arthur laughed quietly, not having much energy left, "Just remember that I have and will always love you."

Merlin smiled through his tears, Arthur smiled at him one last time, his eyes closed and he went still.

At first Merlin was shocked, but then it sunk in. When it did, he screamed. He screamed for his love, for the memories they would never make, for the moments they would never have, for the experiences they would never have, for the love they could never share together again. He screamed for everything that was wrong with the world.

It felt like an eternity. The time he spent holding Arthur, rocking back and forth, trying to hold on to something that was already gone. Merlin stared hard at Arthur's face, trying to remember his features. The way his cheeks and chin was shaped, the shade if his hair, his nose, ears, the mouth he loved kissing so much. Him, he tried to remember him, for who he was, how he was, what he was, how he lived.

Merlin looked up at the moon, it was full, and beautiful, but the night was dark and sad. His heart felt weak, ripped apart, broken, and he felt it would never be fixed again. He lost him when everything was right, all his secrets out, all of him open. His magic revealed.

Flashback

'Do it,' Merlin thought to himself. He was pacing outside of Arthur's chamber door. It had taken Merlin a lot of convincing, from himself, but finally he had decided. It was much better for their relationship, and he needed to tell him at some point, might as well do it now.

Merlin took a deep breath and opened Arthur's door before he could change his mind. When Merlin walked in Arthur was sitting at his desk, paper work strewn all over his working table, a quill perched in between his fingers, hand running through his hair, his quill scribbling away.

Merlin cleared his throat to make his presence known, too nervous to walk to Arthur and put his arms around him as he always did. Arthur looked up as Merlin cleared his throat.

Arthur smiled when he realized who it was, and he immediately put down his quill and stood up from behind his desk. He walked over to Merlin, a cute goofy smile on his face. Regardless of the nervousness Merlin was feeling, he couldn't help but smile, that smile always made him cheerful.

"So, why did you decide to come and visit me?" Arthur said with a smile. Merlin became serious, remembering what he was there for, in turn taking the smile right off Arthur's face. "What's wrong?" Arthur asked seriously, all joking set aside from his voice.

Merlin sighed and said, "There's something I need to tell you, and there's no easy way to say it." Arthur looked at Merlin worriedly. Arthur led Merlin over to his bed, and they sat side by side at the edge, all the while Arthur held Merlin's hand; softly but firmly.

Arthur gave Merlin a nod, indicating he should begin if he was ready.

Merlin let out a sigh then open his mouth to begin, "Before I start, I want to make something clear. I was born like this, I was born with what I have, with what I'm about to tell you I have. I could do it before I could walk, talk, it's my life, it's literally me. I also have good reason for not telling you, although the reason is starting to wear off, and I should have told you sooner, and for that I'm sorry. So, the thing I'm trying to get out and doing a crap job at is," Merlin let out a sigh to calm his nerves, Arthur gave Merlin's hand a squeeze, and that gave Merlin the confidence to continue, he just had to say it, "I have magic Arthur. I have magic, and I use it for you. This entire time, I've used it for you and Camelot. I've used it to protect the ones I love. I've used it for you, I've used it for life. I've used it for good."

Merlin let the words sink in, watched slowly as Arthur's face turned from confusion, to understanding then to anger. The look Merlin was hoping to avoid, but he was well aware that he wouldn't be able to avoid it, no matter how much he wanted. Arthur stood up abruptly, releasing Merlin's hand. Merlin sighed.

At first Arthur paced, just paced, no words escaped his mouth, but Merlin could almost see a little wheel turning in his head. He knew his thought process was running at high speed, because of Merlin.

Instead of bursting out in anger like Merlin expected, he turned around and looked at Merlin, and said calmly, "Why? Why did it take you so long to tell me? Don't you trust me?" the last sentence had a little more venom than the first two, and it caused Merlin to flinch.

At first Merlin didn't know what to say, but the words seemed to flow a second later, "I do trust you Arthur, I have to admit I didn't always trust you, I was skeptical for a while, but when we got together I started to realize that I was just being stupid. I can trust you, I always have been able to, I just never seemed to realize it. It took me so long because," Merlin let out a sigh, then he gathered all his strength and continued, "because I was scared. I was scared of what might happen. I was scared when Uther was still alive," a streak of pain crossed over Arthur's face at the mention of his dead father, "I was scared that if I told you, he would find out and execute me. I was scared you wouldn't accept me, shun me away, scream at me, call me a monster like I have been called all my life. I was scared of the bad outcome, but I never seemed to think of all the good things it could bring. In a way, I was being selfish, keeping it to myself, and not telling the one I loved the truth. I am truly sorry, and I wish I had said something sooner. This is the best I can do, if you choose to not accept it I understand, if you choose to execute me, I understand. If you want me to leave Camelot I understand. All I ask is for you to give me a chance. A chance to redeem myself, and show you that I truly do love you." Merlin finished his small speech apprehensive but satisfied. He had said what he wanted to say, and it was all he had left. All hope was lost if Arthur didn't accept him.

Arthur studied Merlin for a while, he turned his back and this caused his shoulders to sag. Then Arthur turned around to look at him abruptly, and without speaking he walked over to Merlin swiftly and brought him into his embrace.

"You really are an idiot, aren't you Merlin?" Arthur let out a chuckle, "Of course I accept you. I always will."

Merlin smiled and he brought his lips up to meet Arthur's, a smile on his face.

Flashback End

The tears seemed to fall faster down Merlin's face as the memory quickly flitted through his mind. It had gone so well, he had finally gotten everything he needed off his chest. Everything was so perfect, everything had been amazing. Everyone knew about his magic, everyone accepted him. Arthur had already started to lift the bane on magic. Everything had felt so right.

Now everything was falling apart.

Morgana's attack had made everything worse, had destroyed everything they had.

Morgana was dead, but nothing could make up for what Merlin had truly lost. His love, his best friend. Arthur was gone, Gwaine was gone, Camelot seemed to be falling apart. Everything had gone from perfect to disastrous. Calm Before the Storm.

Merlin still stared down at Arthur, his pale face much more prominent in the cool moonlight. The tears wouldn't stop, they fell and fell, they wouldn't seize. Merlin didn't seem to notice.

Merlin brought himself to his feet and brought him over to the edge of the lake. There was a boat perched at the edge of the shore, Merlin dragged Arthur over to it as best he could. The boat was completely made of wood, he decorated the inside with pieces of wood as well.

As he lay Arthur in the boat, the tears started to stream down his face faster than before. A choked sob escaped his mouth. He looked down at his one love, the one thing that had kept him so happy for so long. He looked so peaceful, even in death, and Merlin was grateful for that. Before he could stop himself, Merlin pushed the boat out into the large lake. Merlin watched it as it reached the middle.

When it reached the very middle of the lake, Merlin whispered, " Forbearnan."

He watched as the fire burned, along with his love, and the tears fell faster, if that was even possible. He sat and watched, watched it burn away, watched the smoke blur up into the night sky, covering the moons light. It felt like eternity, but soon the boat was completely gone, having sunk down into the water, dragging Arthur's body down with it.

Merlin let out one last strangled cry and he fell to his knees, punching the ground continuously. Soon he ran out of energy and he just fell to the ground and cried, cried, cried. His entire body shook, his throat started to hurt, but he paid it no mind. He was too busy mourning over the loss of his love. The one that had brightened his life so much.

Slowly Merlin stood, the tears still falling, and he started to make his way back to Camelot. Back to the place that felt so much darker.

-Break-

Years passed, Camelot fell, Arthur having not left an heir. A prince from an outlining kingdom came to rule over like a tyrant, and slowly Camelot, the prosperous kingdom to ever be, fell faster than ever thought possible.

Merlin left, saying goodbye to all his friends that were still alive. He couldn't stay there, not when there were so many memories, and there wasn't anything he could do, Camelot would fall, and Merlin knew he couldn't do anything.

He traveled, all over Albion and soon farther, much farther. To extravagant places he seemed to have never heard of, he learned of new cultures and of new ways of living. Before he knew it a century passed by, 100 years without his beloved Arthur. Soon Merlin made his way back slowly to Camelot, or what was left of it anyway.

When he got there it was nothing more than a mound of stone, years and years of misuse had left it in ruins, the land around it a mix of dry dirt and lush grass.

Merlin sat, staring at the castle he had spent so many years in, so many memories and friends made. So many people he had abandoned, spirit broken. The guilt was there, but he ignored it as best he could. There was no point in trying when his life had been torn apart.

Merlin soon made his way to the lake in which he had left Arthur, where he had "buried" him.

When he reached there, he fell to his knees and stared at his face in the lake. He looked the same, so many years and yet he looked as young as ever, not aging was aging him.

He looked at to the lake and soon the tears fell once more, his mind flitted to that day and they fell faster, and soon he was back to that day, crying in the same way. The wound reopened, the pain fresh. The loss was painful and was like stabs to his insides.

He was there for a lengthened amount of time. He brought strength to his knew, willed himself to stand. When he was up he took one last look at the lake, and whispered, "Goodbye Arthur, I know soon we will be together again and happier than ever."

With those words, Merlin turned and walked away, to start a new life, and to wait.

-Break-

Decades and decades passed, Merlin moved from place to place, life to life, all the while thinking of the reason he was still living. The reason he didn't end his life at this moment in time.

He went through everything, fought in so many wars, met so many amazing iconic people, all the while still sad, still waiting and it felt like forever.

Soon he had reached the 90's, the years technology really made a breakthrough. He found a quant home in Britain, the busy streets helped keep his mind occupied, and the people helped distract him from the pain of waiting. He met a few guys, even a few girls, he never stayed with them for long though, his mind always stuck on Arthur.

He finally decided to settle down when they entered the 00's. He bought himself a cottage near where Camelot castle used to be, and the lake he had left Arthur in was just a five minute walk away. He lived quietly, not dragging attention to himself, he turned into the quiet old man who looked kind but who never spoke unless spoken to and who seemed to visit the lake far too often, and for long periods of time. The lonely man.

Merlin would visit the lake, in the hopes that Arthur would return that day, but he was never very lucky.

-Break-

The day started like any other, Merlin awoke early, put on the kettle, he started to cook breakfast and he stepped out to pick up the mornings paper. When he walked out he felt his magic rise inside him, there was something in the air today, something very different.

As Merlin stepped back inside his cottage, the kettle went off, signaling that the water was ready. He took out a mug and made himself his morning cup of tea with a side of crackers. He munched and drank slowly, reading through the morning paper. Nothing interesting today, still the same hype about the end of the world so close to the new year. Excitement for 2013 seemed to be everywhere. Would they make it, everyone seemed to be asking themselves that question, Merlin just laughed.

As he finished his cup he set it in the sink then went to grab his coat, slipping it on, going on his daily visit to the lake. As he stepped out of his cottage a car passed by. Merlin breathed in the morning air, a small smile spread across his face, today felt different. A good different, which was how Merlin like it.

He made his way slowly to the lake, all the way humming to himself.

The years had been long, and soon he discovered that they were lonely as well. He kept himself company by humming or singing small songs. It seemed to keep him sane.

He had finally reached the lake, and he walked over to the stone he always occupied during his visits. He sat and whistled to himself, letting himself get dragged into memories. This time happy ones.

Merlin was interrupted in his thoughts and whistling when he noticed a ripple in the middle of the lake. Merlin's heart seemed to stop when he realized what it meant, what was about to happen. He stood abruptly.

He watched the middle of the lake with battered breaths, and soon he saw what he had waited so long to see.

He saw the one person he loved the most return.

He saw his love rise from the water.

Note: #6 coming tomorrow, 12/28.