Dieing Inside

Chapter 1:

New city, new school.

Dear Diary,

I'm moving...Again...

Hey its Shawn guess what ... I'm moving.

Right now I am in my mom's car and my dad and brother are behind us with my dad's truck. With all my STUFF except my pen and of course my dairy. My dad even has my computer and my favorite book I am actually a bit happy I'm moving one I had no friends where I lived before, and my mom usually waits for my dad to get transferred so she can have a how ever long talk about how I should act to get new friends, and I tell her the same thing every time I'm not changing who I am to get friends and I will most likely get friends at the new school, and the same thing happens every single time. I don't get friends, and surprisingly I'm okay with it. Oh right I forgot to say where I am going well I'm off to a small town in Alberta called Grand Cache.

As I enter my new home I just say "it's happening all over again." "Yes and this time please put in an effort to get friends" said my mom. I then walked upstairs without answering her. There were 3 bedrooms upstairs and 1 downstairs. I wanted the downstairs but my mom said "why do you want the downstairs? When u can be upstairs with your family." "Because I like the down stairs not the upstairs" I said. Sadly my mom did not want me sleeping downstairs but I didn't care she put all her stuff down there anyways, even if it meant a hour worth of tears and fighting...

When Monday came along I went off to high school *to meet new friends*. Really all I did was getting all my classes and my locker. Math was my first class and as soon as I walked in the math teacher introduced me saying "everybody listen up we have a new student her name is Ms. Shawn Levens." "My mother made you do that didn't she" I whispered. "Actually yes I usually don't do that" Mr. Eggo whispered back. When I turned around to find the back corner someone was already in it, but I didn't care I walked back there anyways and sat there.

The boy who was sitting there first said "why are you back here? Do you want to get yourself killed?"

"I actually I wouldn't mind it."

"Then you should hang out with me you never know what might happen. I'm Shane by the way."

"As you problem know I'm Shawn."

"Really I don't listen to him so I wouldn't know, sorry."

"Its okay I don't care."

"Mr. Jones. Listen up or I will have to move you two." said.

"You got a cell right." whispered Shane not wanting to get caught again.

"Yeah why?"

"Here's my number text me and we can talk without getting caught."

"Okay."

Tex-ting,

Shawn: so what do you want to talk about?

Shane: I don't know, stuff I guess.

Shawn: what kind of stuff.

Shane: like...why is your name Shawn when you're a girl?

Shawn: because Shawn is a unisex name not just a guy name.

Shane: sorry didn't mean to burst you bubble.

Shawn: no you took that wrong way I was just saying it normal not acting all pissed at you.

Shane: oh oops.

Shawn: ha ha.

"Shawn can you tell me the answer to, If twenty people in a factory make 43 shoes in [(3) ^.5] / 2 hours, then how many shoes do they make in an eight hour day?" asked

"Um...........$89.50"I answered.

"No sorry but so close the actually answer is $750 - (216 + 100 + 40 + 329 - 5)] 3/2 = $90.00" answered as he wrote the answer on the board.

Back to Tex-ting,

Shane: oh so close.

Shawn: Shut up I guessed and plus I add that question last month.

Shane: what were you learning at your old school?

Shawn: this and its not that hard I just chose not to answer the questions right in front of everyone but on tests its different I want to at least pass.

Shane: well tutor me I'm get a 52.3% average in this class and the teacher is threaten to put me in math essentials and I said what if I get a tutor and he said we will see it all depends if your tutor can at least get you a 72%average then I wont put you in essentials.

Shawn: sure I will tutor you but you can't tell anyone because I like being known as the one who is so close but not there.

Shane: fine but we study at your house not mine.

Shane: oh but I'm not allowed to have a guy in my room.

Shane: oh and I am so sorry if my mom is crazy.

Shane: why would she be crazy???

Shawn: you will defiantly find out.

Shane: oh come on tell me.

Shawn: you won't believe me until you see.

*BELL*

"Well see you tomorrow." I said as I walked away.

"Yeah see you tomorrow." Shane said well I wasn't there.

Well I was walking to my locker I ran into Shane, but I just walked by and said nothing. When I got to my locker, I had opened it but I messed up on the combo at first but then I got it. "Why didn't you say anything to that cute boy Shane when you walked into him?" said this preppy cheerleader who really had no business talking to me. "Um...I'm sorry but I don't know you and I have to get to class." I answered, and then I walked away towards my class I then sat in the back of my class, when that same girl who talked to me at my locker came up and sat beside me." I'm sorry my name is Casey and you are?"

"Shawn."

"So why didn't you say hi to that cutie?"

"Because we sit beside each other in my math class."

"You do well I better move then so you can sit beside him."

"What do you mean so I can sit beside him...?"

"Oh I thought you knew he is in this class and your sitting in his seat."

"Whatever and you can go away now."

"okay." said Casey as she walked away.

When the bell rang for lunch Casey came up to me again and said "I guess he skipped English again" then Casey walked away laughing.

Chapter 2:

Getting to know you…more then I should.

That night Shane came over to study. I told him where I live and where my room was he end up sneaking through my window. So I pretty much just helped him in every little bit of math that I knew. It took a long time we were up drinking coffee at 1 in the morning that was so much fun.

"Oh Shit I have to go home" Shane said realizing what time it is.

"Won't your mother be pissed?"

"Oh hell yes she will."

"Then why don't you stay?" I asked.

And at that moment I realized what I just did. I did something I shouldn't of done I asked this real cute guy to stay at my house, in my room, all alone and only a single bed. What was I thinking...?

"Yeah I will stay if you want." Shane answered back.

"Oh yeah I am okay with that, you just can't go upstairs okay my mom will freak." I said.

"no problem I wanted to stay down here with you anyways" Shane said as he leaned in as close as he could get, my body shaking, then his lips touch mine we fall back onto the bed his hand moving up my shirt, just crawling up he reaches my bra and when he does he moves his hands to my back, and my heart starts pounding faster and faster. I am trying my best not to make any sounds I don't want to leave and I don't want him to leave, but yet I don't want to go to far and at the same time I do...

Shane whispered "are you okay with this, because if your not I can stop and go home."

"yeah I am fine, just a little scared" I whispered back then he kissed my neck and slowly moved down like he has done this before when he whispered" don't be I will defiantly not hurt you" as he moved back up to my lips I could hear him breathing I could feel his breath I could smell the coffee we had. As Shane was on top he grabbed my leg by the back of the shin and pulled it over top of him then he did the same with the other leg, then he moved in closer and kissed me and I kissed back. I felt the touch of his soft lips touch mine. It was almost like we were in sync like we knew each other for a long time. But we hadn't. After it was all over we had falling asleep me laying on his chest listing to his heart then I realized and only then I thought that he just did that to get in my pants. Even though all he did was take my shirt off and his. I don't know why but I was okay with it, I sort of didn't mind it. I actually loved it. It was perfect.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

*smack* as I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock. Then Shane woke up asking "what time is it?"

"It is 7:00 am we got to get ready." I answered.

"For what?" Shane questioned.

"Its Tuesday we have school." again I answered.

"Oh yeah."

"I will get changed in the bathroom you can change in my room." I said

"No why don't you stay here? Plus won't your mother wonder why you are changing in the bathroom."

"The bathroom is connected to my room."

"Oh really, okay then." Shane said with a disappointed voice.

When I was done getting changed I put on my make up and did my hair, and when I walked into my bedroom there was Shane passed out on the bed with no top on. I was about to wake him up but then I looked at him. He had perfectly tanned skin and his hair was so wavy. When he breathed I watched his stomach go up and down. I sat beside him and brushed my hands through his soft silky black hair. Shane moaned and I jumped back then he said

"No don't stop, that was nice."

"Um okay but you have to get up it is 8:00 and we have to catch the bus." I said.

"Fine can you pass my shirt?" Shane asked.

"Yeah sure, here you go." I answered as she handed Shane his shirt.

"Thanks." Shane replied.

When Shane and I were on our way to school Shane had to sneak out my window, so he and I wouldn't get caught. When we got up to the bus stop the bus was right there when we arrived we had to chase it yelling STOP, WAIT. The bus finally stopped after 2 or 3 blocks, and when we got onto the bus Shane gave his $2 and I showed him my bus pass and said "why the fuck didn't you stop."

"Union rules baby..."

"Don't give my that shit and don't call me baby." I interrupted.

"Get off this bus!" the bus driver demanded.

"Hell no I'm not getting of this bus." I said assertively.

"Then sit down and don't say a word got it" the bus driver said with the same tone I had.

I didn't say anything afterwards I just sat there waiting for my stop. When the stop came I walked off the bus fingering the driver, he wasn't too happy about that, but whatever right. So when I and Shane walked into math holding hands everyone was silent, but we didn't care we walked to the back of the room where our seats are. That cheerleader Casey turned back and said "since when were you two together."

"Um..."Shane mumbled not wanting to say the wrong thing.

"I guess it's all up to Shane." I said not wanting to decide.

"Well if you two won't decide I will... Um let's see... Yeah you guys are now an official couple." Casey decided...

Shane and I were silent after that we didn't text or talk. I don't know why he wasn't talking but of course I knew why I wasn't. I couldn't stop thinking if Shane wanted this or not because I defiantly did I loved having him around even though I just met him yesterday... I feel like we knew each other when we were just little kids. Sad thing is I have only known him for 2 days.

Hey crazy bitch

Hey well here I am writing I haven't write in here for awhile but guess what, I met this boy but I don't know about him anymore he is a bit weird but I still feel like I love him. Well anyways the new school is OK but I don't love it or anything. This girl Casey is really annoying I can't wait for her to shut up or for math and English to be over so I don't have to hear that stupid little girlie laugh, and she is only talking to me because I am going out with Shane (the guy I have only known for 2 days).

The next day after school when I came home from school my mom said "So who is the boy and why are you in love."

"You read my diary." I said.

"yes." she answered.

"That is my personal space. It's not something for you to snoop around in."

"Don't talk to your mother in that tone." my dad bugged in.

"I'm NOT." I yelled.

"GO TO YOUR ROOM." my mom said with a fierce voice.

"Fine but I'm not coming back up." I said tears running down my face.

"all you are is a worthless piece of shit" my mother yelled at me.

As i lay there on the ground in tears i can hear my mothers foot steps as she walks away. There is nothing left for me to do, nothing at all. I just want life to be normal no more leaving and no more fighting but the sad thing is this is only the first time. My dad grabbed my arm pulled me back then slapped me across the face I fell slowly to the ground my tears flew faster down my face a giant red mark on my face. I get up slowly my dad pushes me back down to the ground more tears. My mom just standing there was doing absolutely nothing just drinking her coffee. I get up and run I run as fast as I can to my bathroom so I could lock the door, but my dad chased after my and tripped me I fell down the stairs. I got up a half an hour later I walked into my room it was really hard to put pressure on my leg I had to limp then I fell on my arm that hurt even more then trying to change was even harder. I grabbed my cell phone and phone Shane.

When Shane answered all he heard was me crying he immediately said "1 second and I will be at your house."

About 10 minutes later I heard knocking on my bedroom window I opened the window he jumped in and asked what had happened. So I told him.

I told him form when my mom read my diary to when I was pushed down the stairs. Shane then asked if he could see my wrists I said sure because I had nothing to hide. There were no slits and no scars.

Shane took me out of my house and walked me to his house. I end up staying there for the night, he had a double bed and his mom absolutely let me in with open arms and said I could stay as long as I want, but as long as you tell someone as fast as you can.

So I did and when I did 2 days later the police came down to Shane's house to pick me up and take me to my house so I can get all my stuff and the police could talk to my parents they denied everything that they did to me when all the evidence was on my body. The police asked how this happened to me and my mo said "she fell down the stairs I tried to grab her but she just slipped out of my hands like grease."

"YOU LAIR!" I yelled.

"Sweetie I have no idea what you are talking about why you don't just put your stuff down stairs OK." My mom calmly said.

"No not OK I am moving in with Shane and you are going to jail." I said with a harsh voice.

Officer Roberts's chi-mend in saying "Um they might have to go to court first and you will have to go to Shawn."

"Whatever as long as they go to jail like they should." I said forcefully.

The next couple days while I was at Shane's house Shane was always apologizing about is parents even I didn't mind he still did it though. When Shane and I went back to school Casey was the first to talk to us. Shane told her to back off and leave us alone and all rumors you might have started... I mean heard are not true.

So Casey just walked away and left she didn't talk to us once in that day after what Shane had said but everybody watched us walk down the halls and into class I walked up to one kid pushed him up the lockers and said

"Stop staring and don't believe what you have heard. Yes we are dating no tell me what else have you heard?"

"Um." The kid stuttered.

"Just say it." I said making a scene

"OK I heard from that cheerleader chick that u were raped and still live with your parents even though they harass you all the time"

I dropped the kid and walked over to Casey

"We told you to fuck off and not tell any lies what the fuck is your problem"

"OK I said some rumors but come on this school was getting boring and I had to start something"

"No you didn't" I said walking away

When Shane and I got to his house, his mother asked us "so what did you guys do at school today?"

"Nothing" Shane said as fast as he could and then dragged me by the arm so I couldn't say anything.

On Friday morning I had to go to court to see who got to keep me. My parents, Shane's parents or the foster homes... The first thing the judge said or one of the first things was that brother Alex was going to live with the foster parents and I objected saying that Alex is going where I go but the judge said its up to me not you. So I grabbed my brother and walked out saying I will find my own place to live but the police chased after my brother and I then took us inside. When the whole thing was over we end up both being sent to the foster parents. We might be moving... Oh great.

3 weeks later...

The moving trucks came to our door and I refused to leave. I just couldn't take the whole moving again and this time I met someone, someone special.

"SHAWN!" yelled Shane.

I turned around and there he was standing across the street. I started to run towards him but my Alice (my new "mom") stopped me and pulled me into the car. I never got the chance to say good bye.