EastEnders belongs to the BBC.
Tormented Soul
Everyday I go through it, over and over again. I just want it all to stop, before I go totally insane. Everything just seems to be going in slow motion. I'm desperate to tell someone but I can't seem to do it. Somehow saying the words feels impossible, and yet I'm not sure I can keep up this facade for much longer. I'm living somebody else's life, holding a baby that is not mine and never will be. I look at 'James' and I feel nothing but the most terrible pain and guilt. The pain is constant it never leaves me it just grows bigger with each minute of each day - more accute. Everyone can see there's something wrong with me but they just think it's just 'baby blues'. If only it was... If only I could wake from this never ending nightmare, but I can't because there is no escape from it.
I see Kat walk across the square. My stomach feels twisted like it's been tied into a thousand knots. Everytime I see her, she looks at me pushing the pram, our eyes briefly meet. You can see she's trying not to think about it but you can tell what she's thinking. 'You're so lucky'. As she walks away from me, I feel the urge to scream, 'I know how you're feeling trust me I do, I've been through it too.' And not just once but twice. But my courage deserts me. How can I tell her that I''m responsible for her grief? I've not only stolen her life and happiness but I've deprived her of that crucial bonding time with her son, and that time can never be replaced.
Jack is trying so hard with me, he wants to know what is wrong, it's as much as I can do to look him in the eye. I sense his worry, he tries to pretend everything's fine - that this behaviour is just a phase. But he can't hide his desperation as he watches me struggle to express my emotions not only with him, but also with 'James'. He can't understand why I can't be the mother he always thought I would be. Jack is a very devoted father and husband. I know how lucky I am to have him. My biggest fear is losing him next. Jack's patience is starting to run out with me. He is getting tired of my excuses and the sad empty look in my eyes. We don't laugh and joke anymore, a conversation usually begins and ends with Jack asking.. "Ron, why don't you tell me what's wrong, please?" But I can't say what is the matter, because I can't find the right words. So Jack leaves me to wallow in 'self pity.' He walks out and it's just me and my 'son'.
I pick him up, there is a large lump in my throat which is suffocating me slowly. As I look into the little boys eyes, I realise he doesn't deserve this - he is an innocent child.
"I am so sorry Tommy, I never meant for this to happen." I hold him tight as the tears flow like a torrent down my face.
Please review, I don't quite know whether to leave it as a one shot or not. Thanks.