A short little one shot I wrote at midnight tonight :)
She doesn't know how they ended up like this. She sometimes hates the fact that she cannot do anything without him having his opinion, with him sticking his jealous nose into her business. She didn't know when it began but it has been happening for many years now. The fact that it gets to her so much has her thinking that maybe they should have done something about the unsaid feelings they really do have for each other. That's why he sticks his nose in her business after all, because he has feelings for her. She knows it.
He doesn't have to say it aloud for her to know, she always knew him better than anyone. And she won't lie in admitting to herself that she has feelings that return his, but she would never act on them. How could they? It wouldn't be practical, not with their work. With their partnership, their friendship. And when you work for Gibbs you follow his rules, they knew that. They also knew that rule twelve was there to stay.
And when they had both worked so hard to get to where they have made it in their profession, how could you blow that all away just for a love affair? They didn't have the courage to risk that chance. It was a big one.
She doesn't want to regret it if she had ever done something. Sure, some days she regrets not doing something about what they could potentially have, but in the end, they just couldn't. She loves him. She's not afraid to admit that. Just like she would admit loving Gibbs, Abby, McGee, Ducky. Because they were her family, Tony was her family. She tries to force away her hearts voice telling her that she doesn't love him but she's in love with him.
She knows it's a truth that could break her. She's never been the type of person to give herself fully to another, she's never bared her heart to any man. But she trusts Tony more than anyone and she would bare her heart and soul to him, she would let him have anything and everything of her being. And if it didn't work out, she would never trust another man again. The heartache he would cause would be permanent. That's how much she truly loved him.
She wished she could take back that first time she kissed him. She knows it was undercover but still, it left his mark on her. She was like an addict wanting another fix. She figured the longer she left it, it might go away. She would sober up from the want she had for him. But it didn't. It only got worse, she didn't just lust for him after a while, she fell in love with him. A totally different addiction altogether.
And sometimes when he's pestering her on her personal life it just gets a bit too much for her. She's not so much irritated to the fact he's snooping into what she was doing, who she was doing, it was more the fact that he was so persistent to find out all the time that she knew he had too much of an obsessive presence over her. He was always jealous, always wanting to know. Because he wanted to be the person she was with. But it couldn't happen.
No matter what the future brought between them it would most likely never happen. They were getting older and they would want to settle down. Their chance, like it would always be, would be missed. Even though they would make the best partners (they already did in one way at work), they were just never meant to be.
They are scared on the inside, his mark on her, her on him. It would always be there, you couldn't take it away. But their love was torn from them at the beginning, they just never knew. Their life, as work partners and friends, would be happy and the best they would hope for, but riddled with regret. If they had never been partners, or one of them had moved teams, asked for a transfer, it could have worked.
They regret not giving it a chance, because it would be one hell of a chance. They regret never acting on it, they regret the fact they couldn't help but do anything to change things, change the past, present, and mold the future. But they don't regret keeping the partnership they would always had. He didn't know if he could have a different person covering his six all day long.
Maybe life was just full of regrets and 'what ifs' and in the end they cannot change that. They just learn to live half alive and not dwell on what they could have had, because it hurts to think about it.
And no matter who she spends her life with, who she moves in with, marries, has children with, Tony will always hold a piece of her heart that no one else will ever be a part of. She'll always love him, and that's just how life is. She couldn't help the fate she was ended with, maybe she could have made more of that fate, maybe he could have too, but it's too late now.
Inevitably this was how they ended up. Maybe it was bad choices or even good choices on their future that got them here. Whatever it was she couldn't help but think it was unfair, unfair on their love. At least she still had his amity and trust. They would forever have their bond, they would always share something.
Was a bit of a not so happy ending but it's what came out when I started typing haha thoughts are always appreciated.
Hundan