A/N: I wrote this a few months ago during Spanish and then forgot about it until about an hour ago, and I had to search through four spiral notebooks to find it to type up for you kiddies. But anyway, I couldn't resist a little high school chivalrous Chuck Bass fun, because God knows we could use some of it. Based on Chuck saying in passing "Are you drunk dialing again?" in one of those Georgina episodes at the end of the first season. This takes place sometime in the break between The Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate and whatever the next episode was.

Drunk Dialing

"I was under the impression that you never wanted to speak to me again." Chuck said when he saw that the phone call he was receiving at two on a Saturday morning was from none other than Blair Waldorf.

"Of course I wanna talk to you." Blair replied. She was so drunk that her words were hopelessly slurred, to the point where she would probably pass out if she had one more drink. She never could hold her liquor. "You're my best gay - I mean guy. Obviously you're not gay...although they do say girls pick guys like their fathers!" Blair burst out laughing and then hiccoughed.

"Waldorf, where are you?" Chuck was pulling his coat on and walking into the elevator already as he spoke.

"I'm at that bar...what's it called...the one with the birds - ouch." Blair giggled. "I fell down."

Chuck rolled his eyes. He'd never been into drunk girls for many reasons, first and foremost being that they were annoying.

"So, anyway, Chuck, I've been thinking 'bout it, and I think we should get back together. You know, I'm hot, you're hot, it makes sense. I want you. No. I need you. Like a fish doesn't need oxygen? Like that, but I do. I'm Queen B, not a fish, Chuck."

He was in the limo by then, and he needed to keep Blair on the phone, talking and conscious. He really had no interest in dealing with drunk Blair's efforts at seduction, but it looked like he would have to.

"Sure, Blair, whatever you want." Chuck said.

"Are you mad at me? Because if so, this is kind of like that one scene in Charade..."

Thank God. An opportunity. Once she started talking about a Hepburn movie, Blair would never shut up. She was also kind of like a fish on that point - she would in no alternate universe be able to resist taking that bait. "What scene? I haven't seen Charade in awhile. Tell me about it."

"Well, Charade. It has Audrey Hepburn and what's-his-name, Cary Grant. And they were both married. Except Audrey's husband was dead."

Chuck couldn't resist giving Blair the chance she was obviously hoping he would. "And what about Cary Grant? Was there a wife for him?"

"Yes, but they're divorced." Blair launched into a long-winded description of every one of Audrey Hepburn's outfits and hairstyles throughout the movie, which took about ten minutes, and by the time she'd start in on how creepy Walter Matthau's face was, Chuck was walking into the Blue Flamingo.

He spotted her up at the bar and snapped his phone shut in the middle of Blair's sentence about Cary Grant's face.

Chuck pulled out his wallet and walked up to the bartender, putting his hand on the back of Blair's seat. "What's her tab?"

"Sixty."

Chuck handed the bartender and hundred-dollar bill. "Keep it."

"You Chuck?" the bartender asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"At least six guys've come up here trying to get her drunk ass home and in bed with them, and she sent every single one of them away disappointed. Kept saying she only wanted Chuck - you, I guess. You're lucky. That's one faithful girlfriend you've got."

"Well, it's good for them that they went away disappointed. She's seventeen."

Chuck grabbed Blair's arm and led her out of the bar, barely catching the bartender's horrified expression.

He deposited her in the limo, and Blair called back, "Where to, Mr. Bass?"

There was no way Chuck was letting Blair go back to Eleanor's in this state. "Back to the Palace." He pulled out his cell phone and dialed the familiar home number of the Waldorf penthouse.

"Hello?" Eleanor answered.

"Hey, Ms. Waldorf. This is Chuck Bass. I'm sorry for calling so late - "

"Chuck, it's fine; I've been up working anyway. Do you happen to know where my daughter is?"

"That's why I'm calling. Blair is here; she and Serena just painted their nails and asked me to call. She forgot to earlier and the time got away from her and now her nails are wet."

"All right." Eleanor seemed satisfied with his explanation. Chuck was good with parents. "Thank you for calling. Good night, Chuck."

"And to you, as well, Mrs. Waldorf." He hung up.

Blair snuggled closer to Chuck. "Good. You got rid of my mother, so you and I have all night to..."

"...to take you home and get several steaming mugs of black coffee in your system and in bed, so that you'll have a few hours' sleep to prepare you for the killer hangover you're going to have in the morning."

"You don't want to - ?"

"Not with you like this. Call me tomorrow when you're back to normal and then, sure, but not now. We're not going to do anything right now that you wouldn't be willing to do when you're sober."

"If so, then why'd you come for me tonight?"

"Blair, we've been friends since we were in kindergarten, recent history aside. How could I not come?"

Blair wrapped an arm around Chuck and snuggled even closer to him. Right when Chuck thought she was asleep, he heard her tiny, soft, exhausted, and still drunk voice whisper, "Chuck?"

"Yes, Blair?"

"Do you think I'm deeply and importantly talented?"

Chuck almost laughed out loud. "I do, Blair. Both in the context of that quote and with the items that I'm assuming you'll put on your Yale application."

And with that, Blair did actually drift off to sleep.

A few minutes later, Chuck half-carried her through the Palace Hotel lobby to the private elevator. The doorman glanced up and then quickly back down - the Palace employees had long ago learned to adopt a don't-ask-don't-tell policy regarding Chuck's life.

In the elevator, Chuck gave up completely on her ability to semi-support herself and just scooped her up in his arms. She wasn't really heavy at all; she was in general just small and adorable. It was one of the things he adored about her physically. She was cute, and didn't try to change that about herself until the exact perfect moment. Blair was like a little kitten curled up in his arms, as she had already fallen asleep again.

Finally, the elevator doors opened, and Chuck stepped into the living room wherein Serena was sitting and watching America's Next Top Model.

"Chuck!" Serena yelled, jumping up from the couch. "Did you roofie my best friend?"

"No, she drunk dialed me from the Blue Flamingo an hour ago, and I went to go pick her up. Also, shut up; she's sleeping." Chuck laid Blair down tenderly on the couch.

"And you brought her here why?"

"You know how Eleanor is about Waldorf family values, which happens to include not coming home drunk off one's ass at three in the morning. If Eleanor asks, you two had wet nails and asked me to call. I don't know if Blair'll remember me calling, so make sure you feed her the story when she wakes up. Also, when she wakes up, pump her full of coffee and a bagel to soak up the alcohol. Give her a popsicle, too. She likes the strawberry ones. That'll help calm down the headache; Blair hates popping Tylenol. Now I'm going to bed. Good night, sis." He touched Blair's cheek with the back of his hand one last time, because God knew when he'd get another chance. Chuck then shuffled off to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him as Serena stood there dumbfounded.