Author's Notes-
So I've had the first half of this fic written for maybe half a year or something ridiculous like that. This story exists in my Leading the Lost AU that is, for the most part, canon compliant. You don't need to read the previous stories to understand this one, but if you end up liking this fic I highly suggest you check out the rest of the series! Nitori is trans in this series, but in this particular fic it isn't hardly mentioned. If you're more interested in a trans-heavy fic, Leading the Lost Pilotfish is the fic for you!
Real quick, have some facts: I identify as aroace spectrum and like to headcanon with similar orientations. I have /not/ been in a polyamorous relationship, though I'd like to be.
Anyway, hope you guys enjoy this!
How To Say We Love You
"You like Rin."
It wasn't a question and neither Aiichirou nor Sousuke were surprised by Aiichirou's confidence on the matter. Sousuke wasn't a particularly good liar, and Aiichirou had passed the point of being able to ignore Sousuke's hints. Aiichirou shrugged, crossing his legs, Rin's sheets tangling around his ankles.
"It's not like I feel threatened or anything but…"
"…It's annoying?" Sousuke offered, head tipped downward, eyes gleaming under his dark eyelashes. Aiichirou bit the inside of his cheek, crossing his arms and flashing his eyes the other way. Sousuke look so pained.
"Well yeah!" He sighed, shoulders hunched. "Rin's mine-" Aiichirou coughed on his words, quite literally.
"Aiichirou-kun?" Sousuke's broad, warm hand on Aiichirou's back, rubbing.
"I-I mean-" Aiichirou took a deep breath, inching away from Sousuke's hand until his friend got the hint and returned to his side of the bed.
"Rin isn't-Rin doesn't belong to anyone but we're, he's…" Aiichirou gestured vaguely, a very concentrated glare lighting up his eyes.
Aiichirou ignored his sputtering heart and warm cheeks with the ferocious concentration only possible of someone still trying to deny his heart. It was difficult enough to recover from his self-inflicted embarrassment without Sousuke worrying over him in the process. It didn't help how Sousuke's eyes still looked sad even as his lips quirked up into a gentle smile.
Sousuke chuckled, interrupting Aiichirou's thoughts.
"I don't intend to get between you two." Sousuke said, running a hand through his hair, an obvious gesture to avoid Aiichirou's unwavering gaze.
"But you are."
Unlike the statement that had started this conversation, both boys felt the whiplash of shock, staring with parted lips and slack shoulders. Sousuke's lips quivered with possible retorts, several of which were forgotten before he finally spoke.
"Am I?" Sousuke asked, the slightest hint of hysteria in his voice. Aiichirou frowned.
"M-Maybe?" He said, candy red cheeks hidden behind his hands.
"I'm being serious, I haven't been flirting with Rin." Sousuke could feel himself back-pedaling even before he caught Aiichirou's skeptical gaze. "I-I mean I haven't been trying to flirt with him." He corrected with a nervous chuckle, showing his palms to his frustrated friend. Not that he wasn't also frustrated, he was. But not with Aiichirou. And not in the obvious way either.
"So you admit you've been flirting!" Aiichirou snapped, pointing an accusatory finger at his senpai. Sousuke leaned back against the bunk bed posts, thinking about it seriously.
"I never really thought of it as flirting, honestly, but I bet it looks that way to other people." He said, doing his best to speak truthfully despite wanting nothing more than to shut his mouth and make a run for it. It wasn't that he had trouble expressing himself, but that he really hadn't expected this conversation to happen so soon. He felt so unprepared.
Sousuke had to admit, he didn't think Aiichirou would have caught on so quickly. It was such a shock he'd almost walked out of the room the moment Aiichirou said they needed to talk.
But he couldn't do that, he owed his friend an explanation.
Aiichirou took a loud breath, ready to counter, but a minute later Sousuke had yet to hear so much as a peep out of him.
"Why don't you ask Rin about it?" He suggested, pushing himself away from the bed post and clamping a hand on Aiichirou's shoulder, a habitual gesture of his. "We mean a lot to each other sure, but I don't think it's like what you two have."
Aiichirou hated how he couldn't ignore the pained look on Sousuke's face, pain he was obviously trying so hard to hide like the injury still gnawing at his shoulder.
"Th-That's not the problem here!" Aiichirou shimmied out of Sousuke's grasp and stumbled onto his feet. Sousuke had just barely coughed out a "what?" as Aiichirou spoke over him. "We've been through so much an-and-and what happens when you become more important?" Aiichirou was shaking so much his teeth were on the verge of chattering.
Sousuke felt lost at sea, Aiichirou's emotional waves rolling through him, wracking him with sea sickness. He frowned, mouth open, as if leaving his tongue free would produce the words he needed. Aiichirou opened and closed his fists, looking around the room frantically, anger quickly shifting to anxiety and remorse.
"I'm-I'm so-I'm sorry Yamazaki-kun I-" he shook his head, small but quick steps taking him to the door, hiding his feverish color and glistening eyes. Sousuke was reaching for the boy, still trying to say words, any words at all, as the door swung open right into Aiichirou's face.
Aiichirou's name echoed through the room as Rin smashed the door into his retreating boyfriend, Sousuke's hand wrapping around the boy's wrist to steady him.
Aiichirou stumbled back into Sousuke, a squeak of pain leaving his lips. One wrist in Sousuke's hand and the other in Rin's left Aiichirou to contemplate which direction was up.
The senpais helped steady the younger boy, Rin apologizing profusely and Sousuke hiding snickers behind a big hand.
"Ai, are you okay?" Rin asked, letting go of Aiichirou's hands in favor of roaming his boyfriend's face for bruises. Aiichirou nodded. His head hurt and his knees were sore but he was fine. "Geez, don't stand in front of the door like that." He sighed, finger tips brushing through his hair, once, twice, three times. Sousuke had dropped Aiichirou's wrist as well and wobbled several steps back.
"S-Sorry…" Aiichirou apologized as Rin cupped his face, planting a sweet kiss on his nose, Aiichirou's eyes popping open as wide as they could go. He wrinkled his nose with a tiny, tight smile, eyes sparkling.
"What are you doing here anyway?" Rin asked, eyes drifting over to Sousuke then back to his boyfriend. Aiichirou tried with all his might to ignore that glance, but he could feel a gentle burn in his cheeks and then Rin was raising an eyebrow and Sousuke was throwing an arm around his shoulders.
"Ai-chan came here to see you but when you weren't around he just kept asking when you'd be back, it was pretty cute. Like a duckling that lost his momma." Sousuke grinned, Aiichirou blushing and sputtering. He crawled out from under Sousuke's muscular arm.
"I-I-I was not!" He coughed. "I'm not that pathetic Rin I promise!" He pleaded. Rin raised an eyebrow.
"You guys are ridiculous." He laughed, gaze shifting from Aiichirou to Sousuke.
Aiichirou's nervous energy settled as he met Sousuke's eyes. The heavy, melancholic atmosphere Sousuke seemed to be putting out wasn't lost on his friends. Rin's smile fell, eyebrows pinched with concern.
It wasn't as simple as acknowledging everyone's feelings. Something needed to be done about them. Aiichirou wouldn't ever admit how conflicted he felt over the whole thing, his heart tugging in two different directions.
Aiichirou was ready to spill the truth, lips parting and breath whistling through his lungs, only to be deflated as Sousuke bid them farewell. Rin folded his arms.
"Yeah, okay, b-" Rin's teeth and the door clicked shut in unison. His red brows were gently furrowed, hips cocked and arms crossed. "Did you two have a fight or something?" he asked, sliding his eyes over to his boyfriend.
Said boyfriend looked a bit ghostly, shoulders slumped, face limp with a soft groan rumbling in his throat.
"I'm not really sure myself." he sighed.
A brisk morning walk under falling leaves in the nearby park sounded like a great way to relax. Unfortunately Rin was not in the park, not walking, and not feeling relaxed.
"Sousuke!" he yelled after his friend who was currently making his way back up the dorm stairs.
"No." Sousuke yelled back, body out of sight but voice ringing from down the hall. Rin huffed, taking the stairs two at a time.
"I deserve an answer you douchebag, get back here!" he yelled between huffs, ignoring the angry students pounding on their walls trying to get the two to quiet down. Sousuke was frozen at their door, hand clenched around the door knob. Rin's feet tumbled over themselves until he came to a stop, confusion settling into his bones.
"I don't owe you anything." he said, jaw tight. Rin didn't ignore the glossy look in Sousuke's eyes, but he was damn sick of him dancing around the truth. Three heart beats of silence passed before the words fell out.
"You like him don't you!" Rin said. His words had bark sure, but lacked any bite, and the truth of that scratched at the insecurities bottled up inside him. He wanted to be angrier, even just a little bit possessive of Aiichirou. It just wasn't in him.
Sousuke's hand had loosened, falling from the door knob. "I don't know, okay?"
Rin wrinkled his nose. "You don't know? What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means what I said!" Sousuke shifted to face Rin. He slumped, resting his hands in his jacket pockets. "We always did pick the same toys to play with…" And then his hand was back on the door knob and he was closing the door behind himself. Rin was stunned, to say the least. He shot his foot out instinctively, desperate to keep the door open and conversation going.
"Wait a-" Rin's breath caught, and unfortunately, so did his foot, crushed in his haste to keep Sousuke from locking him out. "motherfucker." he coughed.
Sousuke was quick to realize he'd probably just broken his best friend's ankle, reflexively swinging the door back open to free him. Rin crumpled to floor with a pathetic whimper.
"Holy shit." Sousuke whispered under his breath. "Rin, shit, are you okay?" he kneeled, unable to see the damage as Rin had hidden his face behind his hands. Rin didn't look like he wanted to answer, but Sousuke had a sickly feeling Rin's hands were catching tears.
"Rin let me look at it." Sousuke said gently, trying to keep himself calm. He felt like the biggest steaming pile of shit, but he could pity himself after he knew Rin would be okay. He brushed his fingers over Rin's shoe, nearly getting kicked in the gut as Rin pulled his foot away.
"Don't fucking touch it!" he hissed, snot and tear streaked face peeking out from behind his hands. Sousuke's heart clenched. He didn't know what to do.
"I'm going to get Aiichirou-kun-" Sousuke said as he started to stand, but Rin grabbed his sleeve and pulled it back down.
"Ai isn't-he's not a toy for us to fight over!" Rin said through his tears. Sousuke was a little more than shocked.
"Are you serious? This can wait Rin-"
"It can't!" Rin growled, teeth partially barred, not that that would scare Sousuke.
"Look, that's not what I meant and you know it." Sousuke said in a rushed tone of voice. He allowed Rin to pull him down to the ground, preferring to be eye level with his friends in any case. Rin sniffed loudly, a tired frown wrinkling his face as he wiped at his tears. "I don't think of Ai as anything less than a human being." Sousuke added softly, very aware of Rin's (and Aiichirou's, for that matter) sore spots, but Rin shook his head.
"That wasn't my point." He said, rubbing his wet hands on his jacket before combing his hands through his scattered hair.
"Then what was your point?" Sousuke asked, leaning forward ever so slightly. Rin sighed.
"If you like him, if you…" Rin gulped, his heart already thumping from the adrenaline left over from his injury. "If you think you can make him happy, and if you want to make him happy, then. Neither of us are the one who gets to decide who he chooses."
Aiichirou burst through the door, knocking over an unsuspecting Sousuke with the excessive force.
"Rin, oh my god Rin!" Aiichirou was kneeling beside Rin's bed, completely unaware that he'd just assaulted Sousuke. "An upperclassman told me he heard fighting in your hall, I didn't think anything of it but-"
Rin took Aiichirou's shaky hand, smiling weakly.
"I'm fine, Ai, it was just an accident." he said, glancing at the bandages wrapped around his sprained ankle.
"What happened?" Aiichirou asked, breathless with worry.
Sousuke had recovered from his fall with just a minor ache in his shoulder. His good shoulder, no less. He took a deep breath, breathing out the pain and irritation at being overlooked.
"It was my fault." he said, leaning against the bed post.
"No, it was definitely my fault." Rin corrected matter-of-factly. Sousuke's eyebrows twitched.
"Okay, okay, but what happened?" Aiichirou cut into their argument, their anger quickly turning into awkward shuffling and nervous hair twirling. Aiichirou frowned. "What? What is it? You can tell me!" he pestered them, only seeing their unease build. Aiichirou chewed on his lip.
He didn't want to believe this fight had to do with his conversation with Sousuke early that week. More than anything, he just didn't want to deal with consequences. As the silence dragged on, and the guilt became more tangible on his friends' faces, Aiichirou felt his heart sinking.
"Were you guys fighting about...us?" he asked, eyes on the floor. Rin squeezed Aiichirou's hand and Sousuke took a seat on the floor next to Aiichirou.
Sousuke met Rin's eyes with a look that expressed he wanted to answer, but was giving Rin control of the conversation. They broke eye contact to stare at their hands.
"Sort of." Rin said, voice soft and careful. Aiichirou pulled his hand away then, scooting backwards.
"I knew it." he whispered. Rin raised an eyebrow. "I knew it."
Sousuke and Rin exchanged looks as Aiichirou sniffled.
"Ai, I think you're confused-" Sousuke tried to explain, but in true Aichiirou fashion he was already talking over him.
"Let's just get this over with okay?" he looked off to the side, eyes sparkly with tears.
"What are we getting over with here?" Rin glared at Sousuke, then his boyfriend, obviously out of the loop.
"You don't have to pretend anymore, alright, I get it!" Aiichirou yelled.
"I'm not pretending!" Rin yelled louder.
Sousuke sighed, taking a seat between his friends and placing a hand on both of their shoulders.
"Aiichirou-kun thinks I'm in love with you." he said to Rin, turning his head to Aiichirou before he could see the surprise wash over him. "Rin thinks I'm in love with you." he closed his eyes, setting his hands back in his lap.
Aiichirou and Rin were quiet for a moment, staring at each other in quiet confusion.
"But then-" Aiichirou spoke.
"Who are you in love with?" Rin leaned towards Sousuke.
Sousuke grumbled low in his throat, eyebrows pushing downward.
"Both?" his voice swooped upward, a question no one could answer.
"Explain." Rin frowned.
"I mean, I love you Rin, I do. I'm not sure in what way to be honest. If you wanted to, I'd probably be up for sex. But I don't think I can see myself cuddling or holding hands with you. Sure, I love you. I want to keep you safe and cared for but, I guess I don't feel very mushy towards you?" Sousuke kept his eyes on the floor, ceiling, trash, anything but Rin.
"And Aiichirou? What about him?" Rin asked, almost overpowering Aiichirou's nervous squeak.
"I love him too…" his voice was shaky. After all, it was obvious Sousuke loved Rin, and Rin loved him back. He wasn't speaking to his lifelong best friend now, though. This, this was a true confession. Sousuke felt a little sick. "I think he's really cute and kinda makes my stomach feel silly. Erm, I could definitely see myself cuddling him…I think I might be too nervous to have sex with him but I'd try…"
"So, I love Rin." Aiichirou interjected carefully. "Rin loves me. He also loves Sousuke, as a friend. Sousuke loves Rin as a friend with possible benefits, and loves me romantically…" he recapped, cheeks red but voice calm and thumb pushing at the corner of his lip.
"You left one out." Rin sighed. Aiichirou met his gaze, confused. "We still don't know how you feel about Sousuke."
Aiichirou's shoulders jumped. "Oh, oh gosh, I mean I hadn't ever thought about it but-"
"It's okay Ai you don't have to-"
"I guess I love him back?" Aiichirou bit his lip, pressing a hand through his hair. Sousuke flushed, and oddly enough, so did Rin. "I-I mean you did so much for me and all, you helped me swim with Rin-you're always helping me in fact…" Aiichirou looked like he wanted to say more, but ran out of words.
The quiet consumed them, but Rin was not one to be held down.
"So what do we do now?"
Of all the things Sousuke was willing to try for his would-be partners, crashing their date wasn't even on the list.
The pair was uncertain about even suggesting Sousuke join them for their date, but it had been torture watching their friend trying to hide his broken heart. It felt like an odd solution, the opposite of what most couples would do. Though as it were, they never had been 'most couples' to begin with.
Sousuke, however, was still not on board.
"I should really go-" he said, quick to scoot his chair back to make a clean get away. His dates, however, were not so easy to let him go. Rin's hand was on Sousuke's left sleeve and Aiichirou's on his right, pulling him back into his seat.
"Not so fast." Rin said, one corner of his mouth pulled downward in frustration. For someone so infatuated with them, he was both impressed and irritated with how much Sousuke was resisting their open affections.
Sousuke grumbled as he let himself to be dragged back into his chair, eyes trained on his trembling hands. Aiichirou shared a worried, sympathetic glance as they watched their date fidget. The three were quiet for a time, looking over their menus.
The restaurant wasn't particularly fancy, but nice enough. The majority of the restaurant was bustling with customers and waiters, but the boys had been lucky to get a quiet corner just far enough away from all the chaos. As such, the silence between them was particularly awkward with only the distant sounds of other patrons to fill it.
Aiichirou was silent right up until the waiter brought their food, and even then he was very quiet.
"Do you really not want to be here?" he asked, shyly raising his eyes up to Sousuke who, for his part, frowned.
"I don't know why you guys are making such a big deal out this, is all..." Sousuke said, shrugging and pointedly avoiding eye contact. Now all three of them were frowning.
"We're making a big deal out of it because it's a big deal to you." Rin said, putting his fork down. Sousuke winced, he knew it was true but...
"But you guys don't need me." Sousuke's frown turned dark, anger blooming behind his eyes. "And I don't appreciate being pitied."
Aiichirou could feel Rin's anger mounting and quickly jumped back into the conversation. "We're trying to give this a chance." he said, not entirely sure of what his point was. Sousuke lifted his eyes to meet Aiichirou's, staring hard for a moment.
"And what is this?" he asked, gesturing roughly to nothing in particular. He shook his head. "This is ridiculous, there's no point. I'm leaving." he said, throwing some money on the table for his share of the meal and making a beeline for the exit.
Aiichirou jumped up for his seat ready to protest as Rin clicked his tongue loudly.
"Let him go, Ai." he said, folding his arms and staring at his food.
Aiichirou scowled, stalking off in Sousuke's direction. Letting his senpai's negativity fester would only lead to worse problems down the road. Aiichirou knew this was a delicate and crucial moment, and he wasn't going to let it slip by.
His legs swung out one after another, swiftly taking him passed the symphony of clattering plates and laughing guests. He struggled to get through the double doors leading to the sidewalk as the stream of people entering the restaurant seemed never-ending. As the cold outside air washed over him, Aiichirou panicked that Sousuke had already gotten away.
"Sousuke-senpai!" Aiichirou shouted, spotting his tall senpai off on his own. He ran to catch up with his retreating date. Sousuke came to a stop, resulting in Aiichirou running straight into his back with a muffled 'oomph!' Aiichirou steadied himself, breathing a bit hard. "Sousuke-senpai, you-" he took a deep breath, straightening his back. "You should come back."
Sousuke just shook his head, face out of sight.
"Please?" Aiichirou asked, hesitantly placing a hand on the taller man's shoulder. Sousuke easily, a little too easily, let Aiichirou turn him around so they face each other, exposing his puffy eyes and red nose. Aiichirou's heart clenched, his throat tight.
"I don't think I should." Sousuke whispered, sniffing casually.
Aiichirou felt like he was being burned from the inside out.
A week of classes passed with awkward exchanges between Rin and Sousuke who, for obvious reasons, couldn't avoid each other. Sousuke seemed intent on keeping up appearances, feigning nonchalance, but fooled no on. Rin was sour and uncooperative, shutting himself off from both Sousuke and Aiichirou. He was losing his best friend for no good reason, and even the right choices pushed Sousuke away. He was a step away from taking Sousuke by the shoulders and trying to shake some sense into his thick skull.
Aiichirou's week had been miserable. His boys looked deflated, growing more agitated with every passing day. It made him feel sick.
The weekend had finally graced the three boys, leaving Rin at his desk to study and Sousuke huddled on his bunk with a thick book. Aiichirou let himself in with their spare key, shutting the door quietly behind him. The room was stuffy, too still and stale.
"Hi Rin." he said, soft voice still too loud in the stagnant silence. Rin sighed out his nose before meeting his boyfriend's eyes.
"Hey Ai." he smiled, though it was weary. Aiichirou returned the smile, setting his backpack down and walking to Rin's side.
"Whatcha working on?" he asked, taking Rin's hand in his own and leaning his head atop his red hair. Rin hummed.
"Just an essay, nothing big." he said, leaning into Aiichirou.
He's a bit too eager when he hears the bed squeak behind him, afraid Sousuke was ready to leave the couple.
"Sousuke!" Aiichirou said, a bit louder than he intended. Sousuke froze where he was getting up from his bunk, eyes wide.
"Y-Yes?" he asked.
Aiichirou felt a surge of confidence wash through him, tingling in his heart and fingertips. He shared a glance with Rin, then Sousuke.
"Can I k-k-kiss you?" he asked, anxiety flexing his muscles. "Can I kiss him?" he asked Rin.
The older boys gaped, eyes wide and breath missing. Aiichirou felt his heart quiver in their silence.
"We don't have to-sorry-I just, Sousuke looks so sad all the time-and I-we-you-"
"Yeah." Rin said, turning in his chair to face Sousuke. Aiichirou watched his boyfriend, unsure. "If Sousuke says its okay..." Rin added, eyes falling to the floor. Aiichirou couldn't help but follow Rin's gaze, feeling a bit disheartened. Sousuke used the pause in the conversation to lower himself down the bunk ladder.
"...Why?" Sousuke asked, having settled himself on the bottom bunk. Aiichirou's head snapped up, instantly caught in Sousuke's wet eyes. "If I hadn't said anything-"
"But you did say something!" Aiichirou's confident comment lost its energy, his shoulders slumping towards the end. "I mean, we kind of forced you into confessing..." He said, fingers fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. He sucked in a deep breath, dragging his eyes back up to Sousuke's. "So this time, we have to do it right." Aiichirou pressed his lips together, anxious and desperate for a good ending. "It hurts so much, I just-I want to make it okay again."
"I don't want to push myself into somewhere I don't belong." He said. Aiichirou shook his head.
"But that's not what I asked." He said, trying to encourage Sousuke in the right direction.
"I feel like I'm-" Sousuke's breath hitched. "-like I'm ruining something..." he said. Rin slipped his free hand into Sousuke's, squeezing it lightly, his expression hopeful with his eyebrows relaxed and the corners of his lips just barely perked upward. Sousuke gulped, fearing his palm might be sweaty. He stood slowly, just two steps forward bringing him nearly flush with Aiichirou.
"I think what we have, Rin and I," Aiichirou said, side glancing at Rin. "It's changing, but it's far from ruined." he said, making sure to keep eye contact with Sousuke. The older boy breathed deep for a moment.
"Alright." he said, head angled downward. Aiichirou laced his fingers with Rin's and gently, hesitantly, placed his free hand on the back of Sousuke's neck.
"You have to lean down a little more." he whispered, close enough to Sousuke that his hot breath passed back over his skin. Sousuke flushed red all the way to his collarbones, letting out a shaky breath before leaning down just enough. Aiichirou shifted his weight onto his tip toes, using the hand on Sousuke's neck to guide him.
When their lips finally connected, all the air seemed to leave the room.
Aiichirou's full lips slid against Sousuke's thin ones, breath impossibly hot and skin too soft. It lasted mere seconds before Aiichirou pulled away, staring into Sousuke's eyes.
Neither of them could have imagined how beautiful this moment would have been, their hearts fluttering in sync and heads buzzing with emotion. If the moment could have lasted forever, they might have been angry when Rin launched himself at them, his full weight on their shoulders and his uninjured foot. The sound of thick sobs were both familiar and elating.
"I love you so much!" Rin choked out, hugging his boys close.
"Which one?" Aiichirou asked, not wanting Sousuke to ask the question. Rin sniffed, planting a firm kiss on Aiichirou's and then Sousuke's temple.
"Both!"
Author's Notes-
This fic was so much fun to write. I'd love to hear from some poly people what they think of this fic! I tend to avoid writing about things I haven't experienced, but there just aren't enough poly fics out there.
If any of you need resources or feel like talking, either about this fic or just anything, my tumblr is sirotterpup!
Thanks so much, leave a like or a comment to let me know what you thought!
-FoxyGrampaGlasses