SUMMARY: Basically, Loki thinking. About someone. Long, rant-filled vignette that isn't about anything in particular. Pointless, really. Spoilers for episodes 25 and 26 of the anime.
DISCLAIMER: I disclaim Loki. There.
Author's Notes: I just got obsessed with Matantei Loki VERY recently. After going into a frenzy of reading fanfiction, rewatching the anime, and finding scanlations of the manga, I decided that I wanted to write a fic about Episode 26. Despite Horie Yui's irritating perky and happy voice, she can pull off angst really well (I noticed that in Pretear >
…Yeah. That sounded lame.
But anyway, go Loki because he's just too damned cool.
It was strange. How much this girl affects me, that is. It was strange, odd, weird, unusual, new, exciting, exhilarating, and… I guess a bit scary too. I mean, there were plenty of women (and men) in Asgard that could've given me this feeling. Certainly, I would be the one to know. How this girl was different… how she could make me feel this way… it puzzles me.
Perhaps it was all because of Odin. Not the fact that I was his lapdog for centuries, but because he condemned me to here. I remember my initial feelings over staying here. Being forced to redeem myself to get back home… sucked. But then I found Yamino-kun, and things became better. Living here was still imprisonment in my eyes, but at least it was somewhat bearable with my son with me, eccentric as he is.
Having to solve mans' problems, having to open their eyes to their own evils, to their own disgusting traits… sickened me. No amount of washing could get their stench off me. Despicable, were my first days here. Then the days turned to weeks, and the weeks turned to months, and before I knew it…
I met her. What an odd girl she was. How she grew from being a nuisance to a joy was something I never expected. To expect and to actually wait for her to swing open the double oak doors of my office, step in, and squeal about another "fushigi mystery" astonished me, as soon as I realized what I was doing. Her grating voice, odd wardrobe changes, wild conclusions, and insatiable curiosity… grew on me.
When was it that I began to lo… care for her? When Heimdall first kidnapped her? When I first saw her childhood memories? When she was possessed by Niddhogg? All those "fushigi mystery"s? All the times she was on the brink of death? They're all too opaque for me to consider. All I remember was the relief I felt after every rescue (damn, how she got into the trickiest of situations). The constriction in my chest tightening with every breath until I saw her safe again. The way she could make me smile with relief in the toughest of situations.
But why? Why her of all people? Why someone so… human? Maybe Skuld or Freya would've been a better choice to care for—people that understood my heritage, that understood me. That were like me. When did I begin to incessantly think about something that belonged to a race so vile? You'd think being in the form of a child would take away my ability to long for someone badly. Sure, the lust disappeared, but the ability to love didn't. The emotional ability, that is.
…And was I really that obvious? Why did Hel choose her of all people? "When she cries, you feel sorrow," she said. Yes, I think it was then when I began to realize my feelings for her. Of course, they were always there, hidden in-between the other loves that I hold; my love for my family, my love for my friends… But when I saw her life threatened by Hel, my very own dear daughter, it shocked me (as well as her, I presume) how much I protested. How I leapt up to the dais and attempted to free her before the image of her shattered into flower petals must've been like watching Odin denounce adultery. I could see Hel's shock and despair at my impulsive reaction.
That's when I knew that holding someone that close to my heart was too dangerous. It was too risky for me to care for her so much, especially when Odin sent barrages of assassins at me nearly every day. After freeing her, after returning her home, after apologizing to her father, I resolved to leave. I found a way back to Asgard—I would be able to return home. I couldn't risk her life anymore. The only reason she ever came face to face with Death was because of me; it all started with me. The only way to keep her safe, to keep her living, to keep her being happy was for her to stay away from me.
So Yamino-kun, Fenrir, and I all set out to pack. And that's when she came.
"Loki-kun!" she shouted into the empty house. It echoed loudly in the stripped hallways and made its way to me. The bubble of laughter died on my lips as I realized who it was. Yamino-kun quietly slipped out of the room, and made his way downstairs to break the news to her.
"Yamino-kun, Loki-kun…?" she asked.
"Loki-sama has gone out," he responded coolly. I could see the very look on his face—calm and composed, as if I went out for a walk, or something.
"Gone out… When will he be back?" she asked. Obviously, she assumed I had done just that. I take a tentative step forward with Ecchan and Fenrir, straining to hear. Though after awhile, it didn't become too hard to catch.
"Disappeared?!" she shrieked.
I was surprised at the shock in her voice. "How can you stand there so calmly when he disappeared?!" I wet my lips nervously. She was… concerned? Worried? Of course, it would be idiotic of me to pretend that I didn't know she cared about me, but to what length…? I was suddenly aching to know how she felt. About me, about who I was, about our relationship…
"What is this…" she said, her voice cracking. "I don't understand this at all!" I close my eyes, letting the waves of pain wash over me. But the interaction did not satisfy my longing to know. I… to her…
"Perhaps he'll return one day," Yamino-kun replied. I could tell his expressionless countenance unnerved her.
"One day? When is one day?! When will that be?! Today?! Tomorrow?!" she cried. "Never mind! I'll go and look for him!" Her loud stomping faded away. The door slammed shut with surprising force. I repeated the action, with my own door, despite Ecchan's and Fenrir's despairing calls. I stood in the office. Just stood there. The thoughts in my head ran at an excruciating slow speed.
Perhaps I did mean something to her. Perhaps she cared for me to the extent I did. Perhaps, maybe, possibly. But whatever she felt towards me, I knew it was hurting her.
"When she cries, you feel sorrow."
These blunt words came at me full force. I couldn't take it. This girl was someone who I could not stand being in pain. I was the one causing her pain. My head was so unclear, I couldn't see, I didn't know what else to do but to run from her. I called upon Verdandi, and she gave me a brooch for me to give her. For her to forget about me. At the time, it seemed to be the most logical thing to do. It was her memory of me that was hurting her, so what was stopping me from just taking the source of pain away? Ease her despair and tears with one simple golden accessory.
But after following her as she roamed the city aimlessly, searching for the Loki she knew, I began to rethink my decision. Did I really want her to forget? What was it that I wanted?
No. No, I did not want to return to Asgard. Screw the world of the gods. It wasn't where she was. I couldn't be my happiest anywhere she wasn't. Yamino-kun and Fenrir (and Ecchan) reminded me that I'm only happiest if I'm with the person most important to me, I'd be happy… and if I'm not, I'd be sad. I didn't have to return, and besides, I had nothing waiting for me there. I ran off in search of her. She was still in pain.
I found her, crying in front of the mansion, alone in the dark. Pitiful creature… I remember thinking. I called out to her, and she turned, her eyes sparkling with tears. I watched as they widened. I walked forward, speaking to her as if nothing happened. The constraints in my chest loosened slightly at the sight of her and as soon as I was within inches of her, the ends of my mouth curved into a smile. I stood there, comforted by the mere presence of her, the composed frenzy that I was in earlier disappeared. The pounding of my heart reduced to a steady beat. How warm… how pleasant I felt.
She got to her knees and shakily stared at me, only to fall back to the ground to hug me.
And I let her.
How hopelessly human.
Perhaps this world has grown on me. The people here aren't so bad. The food isn't either (Yamino-kun proved that to me enough times). And there are plenty of friends here now that I can be with, too. I can be with her too. Just because I can't get drunk and laid every day doesn't mean I can't be content.
To be loved by family and friends keeps me warmer than the touch of any goddess in Asgard. To be cared for by her… keeps me happier than I possibly ever was. I don't need anything physical.
And even if I did, I wouldn't have to wait too long, would I?
Eek. Being that it was really spur of the moment, be gentle with the reviews >