Beautiful Whispers

Written by: chasingcandor

Today is just another day.

The lights along the hallway flickered, and I imagine how others could both be bewildered and frightened in this house. It is a very big house, and anyone who does not know their way can easily go through one of the trap doors or secret panels and be completely lost. I walked slowly, touching the walls, and thinking to myself how the house is both full of joy and misery. One day Papa and I and my siblings are busy growing up in this house, and the next thing that's happened is it is to be passed on to someone we barely even know. Sybil always says that things change all the time, but this has been an unwelcome change to the women of my family, especially Mary.

I stopped walking and leaned on the wall. I cannot tell whether today was a good day for me or not. The church excursion with Matthew was nice, but he seemed out of sorts and was thinking of something other than our trip. He was in a hurry to see the places that I doubt he was actually admiring the architectural details I told him about. I hope that of all thoughts he was not thinking about Mary. Perhaps work or something else, but to think that my eldest sister occupied his thoughts was just revolting for me. She had far too much people thinking of her and it's not fair at all. It does not seem fair that all attention must be directed at her just because she is the eldest. The eldest does not always deserve the best.

I let out a sigh and placed my back against the wall. It would take me a long time before walking along this hall again if I ever get married. It is doubtful that I'd ever marry Matthew, as he seemed too keen to know Mary. Doesn't he ever feel that Mary does not care for him at all? Why should such a good man waste time and effort on such a girl such as Mary's? There are far more girls better suited for him than the eldest daughter of the Crawley's.

I shook my head and felt nothing but pity and shame for myself. This is just horrid. This is the same as was when Patrick was still around. I was ever running after a love that was destined for someone else. Perhaps this thing – with Matthew is just that. This is just another dream and senseless hope that I conjured for myself. I inhaled a deep breath. Tomorrow, I shall begin anew. I will stop treating Matthew like he is mine – for he most likely will never be mine, and focus my thoughts on somewhere else. Perhaps I ought to ask Sybil to go with me to the village to buy a new frock. She always tell me we have to buy another one. That will keep my head out of all bad sorts.

I resumed my way along the corridor and was about to turn to my room when I sensed a shadow lurking behind me at the end of the hall. For a second I felt terror and my heart skipped a beat. I quickly turned to see who it was and astonishingly, it was the foreigner guest of the house.

"Mr. Pamuk! What are you doing here?" I asked, confused and surprised.

He let out a small smile from his lips. "I was actually hoping to converse with you."

"I thought you are busy speaking with Mary, " I said with a chuckle, turning myself properly to face him.

"Your sister was quite.." he paused, "... chatty."

"Are you telling me that you were forced into conversation with her, then?" I teased.

"Not really. I did enjoy my conversation with your sister," he said, walking towards me. "I am a bit surprised though that you left the party so soon when everybody is still downstairs." He stopped after a few feet from me.

I let out a sigh to let him know I wanted to retire to my room. "I'm just tired for the day. I took a trip with Mr. Matthew Crawley to see the beautiful churches nearby."

"Of course you did. He mentioned it awhile ago."

I felt a palpable chill worked up my spine. I don't understand what he is doing here and why he had followed me. "What is it that you want to talk about, knowing that you obviously followed me?"

"Sorry I didn't mean to frighten you. I just... wanted to get to know you more that's all. You were kind of quiet, unlike your older sister you see."

"Well, what is it you want to know more about?" I asked, smiling. "Shall we go back downstairs to talk?"

"Talking here is fine," he replied, his arms open, expressing his content with the dim light of the hallway.

He walked slowly towards me and smiled softly. "You mustn't think that you are below your sisters, you know."

"I don't understand what you mean—"

"You're beautiful, Edith. You truly are. The man you'll marry is a very lucky man."

"Thank you, but you're confusing me," I chuckled, hiding my discomfort.

"You know very well what I mean Ms. Crawley. And I say all this with the utmost respect."

He lifted his arm and held my chin lightly. "The right man who would look into your eyes would know that you are more than just a pretty face. You're a real woman, someone with a very good heart."

It was there that I felt joy in my heart. I've never had anyone told me something good about myself deeper than how I looked. At the blink of an eye I thought I saw myself with Mr. Pamuk walking in the garden, laughing and having an actual conversation about the things that matter in the world. By saying those words, he had instantly become very familiar.

"Why do you say these?" I asked, wanting to know more about the sudden boldness of his feelings.

"Because it is true. The truly beautiful things in the world must not be left unsaid," he replied, putting down his hand on his side.

I smiled inwardly. Who is this man? He didn't strike me as a sensitive guy when I first talked to him yet here he is, all smiles and words of encouragement. His eyes are soft and inside I was truly melting. I try not to dwell too much of this warm feeling but I cannot help myself. Not many a man would take me for a second glance especially when Mary is around.

"Thank you for your words. I don't know exactly what to say."

"There's no need to return any words," he said, smiling softly. "If I hadn't been told to keep your sister company, we would be talking all night long."

"What do you mean?" Now I am more perplexed.

"Well, let's just say that I am tasked to do a job by my friend."

I looked at him for seconds, wanting an explanation, not knowing exactly the words that must come out of me.

A few moments have passed until he broke the silence. "... My friend has no real intention of ever being with Mary. He has someone else which his family, of course does not approve of. And I am here at his disposal to keep him from ever making a connection with your older sister."

"Then why stay here at all?"

"Manners, my lady. It would be unwise to turn down an offer from a family friend to stay in a pub when Downton is nearby. It seems imprudent."

"Right," I replied. "Well... I saw Mary from the stairs leaving the gallery room with that pissed look on her face. I assumed she was with you when I left."

"I'm sorry to hear that. I left her as soon as I saw you walked up the stairs. I was hoping to catch up with you."

My eyes found the floor. Mary would be very much disappointed to know that neither Mr. Pamuk nor his friend is at all interested in her. But for him to leave Mary for her was something else.

"This was all of course, a favor for my friend until I met you."

I looked at him and found him longingly staring at me. His hands slowly cupped my face and I felt them warm and soft and for an instant I did not want him to let go. His thumbs caressed my cheeks and I found my hands around his wrists, gently holding them, letting him know that I enjoyed every moment of it. His eyes are heavenly. I have seen nothing like them. I could smell his scent and it was intoxicating. At that moment I have never felt so alive, and ready to do everything as I pleased.

He leaned towards me and slowly kissed me. His lips parted, making soft blows while his hands and arm found my back as he hugged me. He brought his body in contact with mine and I felt our bodies touching with only our clothes in the way. The soft blows turned into deeper and stronger kisses and I returned all of his affection for me, not missing anything. I found myself falling in a bottomless pit and my stomach churned and felt funny, but it was all euphoric. I just had to let myself do what my instincts told me. As pleasing as this was, I sense a concurrent feeling and thought that this is all fleeting. This is not going to happen again.

Perhaps minutes have passed when he slowly closed his lips to take in a breath. My arms are still around his neck and I searched for his eyes longingly, to find some assurance that he truly feels for me. I found them and his eyes are smiling, content, and full of affection not for anyone else but me. For a brief moment I wonder how we could ever continue this – fleeting romance or affection or whatever it's called. It seems absurd and dangerous and silly and romantic all at the same time. I will never know how to go about this the next morning or how to let Mary know. I am certain I would have to leave all that to the man who had just gave me his affection.

"You are getting ready for bed.." he whispers.

"Yes, but—"

"There will be time for us in the morning. We'll stroll in the garden and you'll tell me all about growing up here. I would very much like to hear about it," he said, smiling and comforting me.

"Yes, of course... Good night Mr. Pamuk," I said hesitantly, letting him go and parting any bodily contact I have from him.

"Kemal, please," he corrected.

"Sleep well Kemal," I whispered softly.

"You too my lady," he said, as he slowly backed up from me. Gradually, he then turned to face the other way and disappeared into the light where music was still being played.

I faced the door to my room. Perhaps today was not as bad as I thought it was. There is much to ponder tonight. I turned the knob and walked into my room, leaving the hall empty but with the flickering dim lights.