Many people have commented on how clever I am, but did you know that is a lie. I'm so, incredible and unbelievable stupid, did you know that Sebastian? I always looked down on anyone who dared call me a child, and yet….
I have been through so much, and done things, that most adults could not face. I made a deal with a devil, and come across many reapers in my life. I have been engaged and ran a great company, yet for all that's worth; I have done the most childish thing, as well as idiotic. I fell in love with my demon, my butler.
How foolish of me
To think that I had some chance…when everything with him has been faked from the beginning
It's only now that I realise how truly alone I am. My parents dead, one of my family members tried to kill me before she was murdered her self…and now… the one person I had left to trust has betrayed my heart.
I can't help but wonder, how much of me is there left that has yet to break? Perhaps any chance of joy or even love, no mater how small it may or would have been, is forever out of my reach. Taunting me every moment I spend awake. Looking at the one who holds my heart, knowing they don't have one to return. Instead, crushing my own in a sudden grip…only, I still feel the pain as if it was happening inside my body. Even this very second, I feel as if I can not breathe as the pain wraps around me, encasing me. Never to release its hold or the strength it uses.
Is this just part of my curse as the only surviving Phantomhive?
Looking at my ring, at the dark blue gem, I can't help but see it as the solid form that has trapped the tears I can't shed inside. For it is a weakness I can't let him or anyone see. But if this were to break, I know the tears would be free to fall, for all that is lost and what will never be. For the ache in my heart
It's his entire fault though.
I am the Earl of Phantomhive; I am the keeper of the underworld- the Queens 'watch dog'. I am no ordinary human, and should have no concern for the useless feelings I am currently possessed by.
But how could I have won against a being such as him. His beauty is beyond any human, catching the attention of anyone that is lucky enough to be within his presence. His eye's that tease and taunt with every brief glow of red, that wicked mouth, how it twists words before flashing that devilish smirk or that smile of amusement. The strength and warmth of his body, the sweet words he would whisper while hands lingered, ever just so slightly .No. There was no chance of me remaining free from such feelings as this.
But then I know I am not the first, and I won't be the last. So please don't look at me, with such a soft smile or that gentle look in those red eyes, like you know what I am going through…like you care…we both no you don't, that it's impossible. So please don't act like it isn't. I can't stand it.
If I offered you my soul now, even before my revenge, would you take it? Please say you will, so I may no longer suffer.
You won't? Why? What reason do you have to refuse; when I offer freely the one thing you want so desperately that you became a lowly butler?
Perhaps it is the demon that you really are that enjoys my internal pain. Is that why you continue to pull at my heart? Until it hurts and I'm left with only your name on my lips as I gasp and I beg, either let me go or hold me forever.
But I know that is impossible.
Even if you did release my heart, it would still belong to you, still beat and pulse in your presence. But then you could never hold me in the way I wish you would. You have no heart…just a dark, cold pit of nothing in your chest.
Please, won't you just take what's yours? Take my soul, so that it can become part of you, for this is the only way I shall be with you always.
But perhaps, if you tore out my heart and placed it where your own should be, would you then be able to love?
Would you then love me?
Perhaps then, you to would be a fool, just like me.