You won't Feel a Thing
by kenikigenikai

Mulder slammed the door angrily, and stormed into his living room. He kicked the coffee table, but barely registered the pain in his foot, all he could think about was his partner. His partner who because of his quest was laying in a hospital bed. Comatose. She had been missing for over two months and had been returned near dead. At the thought of her his hand automatically went to the gold cross, hanging at his throat. He collapsed onto his couch, he then noticed for the first time since his aggressive entry that his radio was on.

I've been kicked right down.
I've been spat in the face.
I've been pulled, weighed down to the lowest place.
I've been lied to, shamed.
I have been disgraced.
Been excommunicated from every holy place.

Ain't that the truth, he thought to himself. He was the under dog of the FBI, his carer was in tatters, and so was Scully's. Her carer had been promising at one point, then she'd been partnered with him. It had only gone downhill from there. She could have left, the x files, him, but she hadn't and now her carer was demolished. And, she was on the verge of death. Because of him. Fuck this! He couldn't mope around, Scully needed him. He grabbed the well thumbed file off the table and skimmed through it for the millionth time, his edetic memory had stored every moment he'd spent with Scully, as well as her file but he couldn't bare to think he'd missed anything. Anything at all that could help cure her.

I've been beat up and robbed.
I've been left for dead
For the way I look, for the things I said.
And when trouble thinks its found us.
The world falls down around us.
I promise baby, you won't ever, you won't ever feel a thing.

Nope he agreed, I'll never let anything else happen to you, I'll try and get you to leave, and if you won't I'll protect you, he cared about her more than he'd ever cared about Phoebe or Diana, and he sure as hell would hurt her again. He depended on her, that was the truth, he couldn't live without her, he was hooked and needed her like a drug. He had allowed himself to depend on her so fully, he could barely function without her, he couldn't and wouldn't stand it, but it was Scully and because it was her, he didn't care.

'Cause I will take it on the chin, eh, for you.
So lay your cuts and bruises over my skin.
I promise you won't feel a thing, no.
'Cause everything the world could throw,
I'll stand in front, I'll take the blow,
For you.
For you.

Mulder placed his head in his hands, he would do anything, absolutely ANYTHING to see her eyes again, to save her. He would readily switch places with her in an instance. He'd kill anyone or everything for her and her life. The tears ran down his face and collected in his hand like pools, pools of water. He had often thought Scully's eyes looked like pools of water. Thinking of that long forgotten thought made him cry even harder.

I've been put on the street.
I've been left in the cold.
Had my dreams held up,
Had them shot full of holes.
I've been laughed at, hurt.
Been the butt of the joke.
I've been lit up in flames.
I have gone down in smoke.

His whole body was shaking with sobs now, his tears were of pure anguish. He collapsed onto his knees onto the floor. His eyes were level with the table and he caught sight of her picture poking out the file. The FBI had asked for a better picture than they already on her file. They had wrongly assumed the picture came from her mother but it was his. It was of her at a fairground, he had dragged her there only a few weeks before the x files was closed, it was in town where they'd just finished a case. She was sat next to someone who had been ripped out of the photo, she was smiling and laughing and holding the arm of whoever was next to her. He got another copy from a box under his bed, in this he hadn't ripped himself out. His tears fell onto it making it appear like it had been raining when the picture was taken. She fixed his pain, she defended him, she protected him, just as much as he protected her.

I've been stabbed in the back,
While being promised the Earth.
Trying to keep my head high, for all I'm worth.
Aside I'm double blazing,
I know a war is raging.
I promise baby, you won't ever, you won't ever feel a thing.

The lack of control hit him again. Just like it had all those years ago when Samantha was taken, there was nothing he could do about it even though this time he had a badge and a gun. All the FBI resources weren't going to bring her back, his only hope was to get lucky, to have her life as a gift that was able to be taken back. He'd rather have her back than Samantha. He couldn't comprehend what he'd admitted to himself, he would rather have his partner than his sister, his friend over his flesh and blood. Did this mean he may care about Scully more than Samantha..? Shit, did he love his partner? Mulder let out an ironic laugh, all his relationships had crumbled either because his sister was gone or because of his obsession with finding her. Phoebe and Diana had both stabbed him in the back. Scully was the only one who stood by him.

And if I fall here
At least you know my dear that
I would die for you.
Promise you won't ever feel a thing.

The songs words pounded deep into his brain, he would die for her, in a second. He hadn't slept in over a fortnight and dropped into a disturbed sleep, plagued by visions of Samantha's abduction, but it was Scully screaming for him to help her rather than his sister. He woke up with his head throbbing painfully, he dry swallowed some tylenol and considered taking the whole packet, going to sleep and never waking up. That didn't seem like a bad idea. Mulder remembered his vow to Scully and threw the packet in the bin in disgust, he would never stop looking for a cure, or for her abductors, extraterrestrial or someone closer to home, not ever.

Yeah, everything the world could throw,
I'll take the sticks, I'll take the stones,
For you.
For you.

"I'll cure you Scully, I promise" He clenched her cross in his hand and prayed for the first time since he was twelve.