Otacon's Big Break
Director: Otacon, good to see you. I just got done reading your script. It was fabulous, and trust me, I know fabulous.
Otacton: Thanks.
Director: But when I say fabulous, I mean it needs some work. The script was...how I do I put this nicely...absolute garbage.
Otacon: But you just said it was fabulous?
Director: Sorry. I sometimes get terrible and fabulous mixed up.
Otacon: What didn't you like about it?
Director: Hmmm...where to begin...well, you seemed to have made a drama.
Otacon: So?
Director: People don't like dramas anymore. Even Seabiscuit, which was supposed to be a drama, had that robotic horse that shot lasers and trampled Tobey Maguire.
Otacon: That didn't happen in the movie!
Director: Sure it did.
Otacon: I've seen the movie! That happens nowhere in the film!
Director: Ha, I think I know a little more abouts movie than you, drunky.
Otacon: Drunky? I'm not drunk!
Director: Sure you aren't Boozer McBooze.
Otacon: Ok, that's enough. Let's get back on track here. What else didn't you like about the screenplay?
Director: Well, you told me it was a tragic romance tale, about the love between you and a sniper that could never last.
Otacon: Yes, that's right. Based on a true story.
Director: Sorry to tell you this, but romance is dead. It was shot in the face by sex and violence.
Otacon: If that's true, then why do they make so many romance movies?
Director: I don't know, for curiousity I suppose. Maybe as a joke.
Otacon: So you're saying you hate my script because it's a romantic drama?
Director: No, I don't hate your script. It's probably one of the best scripts I've read in a long time. I just hate the fact that it's a romantic drama.
Otacon: So how could I fix it?
Director: Excellent question, because I know the answer. Violence.
Otacton: Violence?
Director: Yes. People like violence. Even Ghandi liked violence in the movies, he liked to see The Three Stooges bash each other over the heads with various plumbing supplies.
Otacon: So you want me to add head bashing into my script?
Director: Not just head bashing. You should add crotch kicking, flame throwing, face punching, and even head decapitating. At the end of every sentence, there should be a violent act. Even if you say you hi, you should kick a guy in the neck.
Otacon: Wow. That makes no sense.
Director: Well, let me give you an example. At one point in the screenplay, the character Sniper Wolf says 'My love is like a bullet.' When she says this, I think she should pull out a gun and shoot someone in the face, to show how her love is like a bullet in the head.
Otacton: What?
Director: And then in another part, when you and Sniper Wolf are having the romantic dinner at the ice castle, you say 'That evil Snake is trying to tear us apart!'. I think we should a quick scene where we Snake actually tearing someone in half, and he could say something witty like 'Looks like this guy had to split.'
Otacon: Ok, let me ask a question here. Snake says he wants to tear me and Sniper Wolf apart, yet he rips another irrelevant guy in half?
Director: Yeah, now you're catching on.
Otacon: So I suppose in the part where Sniper Wolf is complaining that it's too hot, you want her to pull out a flamethrower and set someone on fire.
Director: Wow! I was just going to have her impale someone with a sword, but setting them on fire makes even more sense!
Otacon: Do you make anything other than action movies?
Director: Absolutely not. I've made all kinds of action classics. 'Deathcar', 'Detective Death', 'Death to the Deathgivers', 'Decapitation Island', 'Bloody Death Blood', and the award winning 'Deathcar on Decapitation Island.'
Otacon: Ok, I think I came to the wrong guy to make this movie.
Director: No way! Your movie could be so good as an action movie, I get herpes just thinking about it.
Otacon: Herpes? What the hell are you talking about it?
Director: Look, if you want to make a powerful drama, go ahead. Go to some sleazeball who'll take your movie and make a masterpiece out of it.
Otacon: Ok.
Director: Wait, I didn't finish. You can go make some masterpiece, or you could stay here and make the bloodiest, deathiest, rockingest action movie ever made! CAN YOU DIG IT!
Otacon: No.
Director: Otacon, good to see you. I just got done reading your script. It was fabulous, and trust me, I know fabulous.
Otacton: Thanks.
Director: But when I say fabulous, I mean it needs some work. The script was...how I do I put this nicely...absolute garbage.
Otacon: But you just said it was fabulous?
Director: Sorry. I sometimes get terrible and fabulous mixed up.
Otacon: What didn't you like about it?
Director: Hmmm...where to begin...well, you seemed to have made a drama.
Otacon: So?
Director: People don't like dramas anymore. Even Seabiscuit, which was supposed to be a drama, had that robotic horse that shot lasers and trampled Tobey Maguire.
Otacon: That didn't happen in the movie!
Director: Sure it did.
Otacon: I've seen the movie! That happens nowhere in the film!
Director: Ha, I think I know a little more abouts movie than you, drunky.
Otacon: Drunky? I'm not drunk!
Director: Sure you aren't Boozer McBooze.
Otacon: Ok, that's enough. Let's get back on track here. What else didn't you like about the screenplay?
Director: Well, you told me it was a tragic romance tale, about the love between you and a sniper that could never last.
Otacon: Yes, that's right. Based on a true story.
Director: Sorry to tell you this, but romance is dead. It was shot in the face by sex and violence.
Otacon: If that's true, then why do they make so many romance movies?
Director: I don't know, for curiousity I suppose. Maybe as a joke.
Otacon: So you're saying you hate my script because it's a romantic drama?
Director: No, I don't hate your script. It's probably one of the best scripts I've read in a long time. I just hate the fact that it's a romantic drama.
Otacon: So how could I fix it?
Director: Excellent question, because I know the answer. Violence.
Otacton: Violence?
Director: Yes. People like violence. Even Ghandi liked violence in the movies, he liked to see The Three Stooges bash each other over the heads with various plumbing supplies.
Otacon: So you want me to add head bashing into my script?
Director: Not just head bashing. You should add crotch kicking, flame throwing, face punching, and even head decapitating. At the end of every sentence, there should be a violent act. Even if you say you hi, you should kick a guy in the neck.
Otacon: Wow. That makes no sense.
Director: Well, let me give you an example. At one point in the screenplay, the character Sniper Wolf says 'My love is like a bullet.' When she says this, I think she should pull out a gun and shoot someone in the face, to show how her love is like a bullet in the head.
Otacton: What?
Director: And then in another part, when you and Sniper Wolf are having the romantic dinner at the ice castle, you say 'That evil Snake is trying to tear us apart!'. I think we should a quick scene where we Snake actually tearing someone in half, and he could say something witty like 'Looks like this guy had to split.'
Otacon: Ok, let me ask a question here. Snake says he wants to tear me and Sniper Wolf apart, yet he rips another irrelevant guy in half?
Director: Yeah, now you're catching on.
Otacon: So I suppose in the part where Sniper Wolf is complaining that it's too hot, you want her to pull out a flamethrower and set someone on fire.
Director: Wow! I was just going to have her impale someone with a sword, but setting them on fire makes even more sense!
Otacon: Do you make anything other than action movies?
Director: Absolutely not. I've made all kinds of action classics. 'Deathcar', 'Detective Death', 'Death to the Deathgivers', 'Decapitation Island', 'Bloody Death Blood', and the award winning 'Deathcar on Decapitation Island.'
Otacon: Ok, I think I came to the wrong guy to make this movie.
Director: No way! Your movie could be so good as an action movie, I get herpes just thinking about it.
Otacon: Herpes? What the hell are you talking about it?
Director: Look, if you want to make a powerful drama, go ahead. Go to some sleazeball who'll take your movie and make a masterpiece out of it.
Otacon: Ok.
Director: Wait, I didn't finish. You can go make some masterpiece, or you could stay here and make the bloodiest, deathiest, rockingest action movie ever made! CAN YOU DIG IT!
Otacon: No.