Disclaimer: I don't own Freaks and Geeks nor any of the characters.
A/N: So this takes place sometime during their senior year, near graduation. Also this is unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine and they might seem a little ooc, but I tried to capture their voices as best as I could. Enjoy.
She thought she'd have more time was what went through her mind as she lay lifelessly on the hospital bed. She knew she should be having some existential crisis about what her life has become over the last six months, but all she can think is that she wanted more time. This must be what her grandma felt in her last moments. Like there's nothing and you desperately want more time so there can be something.
Her mother walked into the room tentatively and came over running her fingers through Lindsey's sweat soaked hair. She normally would have chastised Jean for treating her like a child, but that's what she felt like at this moment. She felt like a child who had finally had all of her innocence stripped away and desperately wished she could get it back. But there was no way back from this.
"You have visitors." Her mother said quietly.
Silent tears leaked out of Lindsey's eyes at her mother's statement. She knew sooner or later she'd have to see them especially since this affected at least one of them as much as it did her, but she didn't think she'd have to deal with them so soon. Again, she wished she had more time.
"I'll send them in one at a time so they don't overwhelm you." Her voice was still quiet, but was more emotional. She felt as though she could feel her daughter's pain, but simultaneously had no idea the depths of it. She squeezed Lindsey's arm gently and left the room to get the first visitor.
Nick was the first one to walk in the room; no doubt because her mother had reasoned he'd understand what she was feeling more than any of them. His looming figure walked over to her only to kneel down to her level. He looked sympathetic, but she could see the small hints of anger that he was trying to keep at bay. He maybe being nice to her right now, but she knew that after today he would never forgive her.
"How are you?" He was choking back tears as he was speaking.
More tears came out of Lindsey's eyes at his question because she knew what he was really asking. Are you happy now that you've given up our child?
She turned over to lie on her back and cried into her hands. Wiping her tears away she looks at the boy she's hurt in so many ways, some he won't ever even know. "It was the right decision."
His eyes harden as he looks at the girl he loved more than anyone. "A decision you made for both of us." His voice had no trace of affection and that would have broken Lindsey's heart if it hadn't already been crumbled to begin with.
"Yeah, well, some had to." She was sobbing as she said this making her words come out in broken bursts of yelling.
"No you didn't. We could have kept him and been a family! We could have made it work!" He got up from his kneeling position and started yelling.
"Oh yeah, how Nick?! Please enlighten me on how any of this would have worked out!" She couldn't understand how he couldn't see what she saw. That they were not equipped to handle
"Well we would have gotten married and I would have joined the army and then everything would have been great."
"Except they wouldn't! You hate the army and you hate the life your dad has planned for you. You would have done all that and been unhappy in the end and it wouldn't have been worth it. This way it works out for both of us." She turned her back to him done with the same tirade that he'd been going on for months. She did not need this now of all times.
Nick walks over to the bed and gently puts his hand on her back. "I would have been happy because I had you. Lindsey, a life with you is all I've ever wanted since you came into my life. It would have been worth it just to have you with me for the rest of my life." Tears were coming down on Nick's face hard as the future he'd been dreaming of since Lindsey told him she was pregnant got crush with no way to rectify. He wished he had been given more time to convince her, so that maybe they had a chance.
Lindsey felt like the most awful person I the world because while she did care for Nick deeply, she didn't want to spend the rest of her life with him. But she was doing him a favor, one he'll hopefully never find out about because she could only hurt the boy so many times before he broke and this would definitely break him.
"I think you should leave Nick." She couldn't see his reaction, but she could imagine the flickers of hurt that would cross his face. He didn't say anything as he got up and left. He just mourned the life he'd never have.
The room was silent for a while after that save for the sounds of Lindsey's sobbing. The next person to enter the room wasn't quiet or tentative which gave Lindsey a good idea who walked in. When the visitor plopped down with no grace at all and the bed dipped gravitating Lindsey towards the middle she had no doubt in her mind that it was Kim. She turned to face her. Kim was looking at her with expectant, but sympathetic eyes.
"I can't believe you went through with it. I mean I can't believe you got pregnant in the first place, but" her words fell flat trying not to say anything too insensitive. "It's just all so crazy."
Lindsey snorted. "Yeah, crazy doesn't even begin to describe it." Her laughter continued, but it quickly turned hysterical. Before she knew it she was crying again.
Kim quickly reacted by pulling her into a hug. Lindsey poured all her pain onto Kim's shirt and when she'd cried every tear she had left for the moment her chest felt lighter. The stinging pain of having something missing was still there, but now she felt like she could temporarily function enough to actually talk to Kim.
Lindsey pulled away from Kim sniffling and wiping her eyes. "God, what's wrong with me I can't stop crying. I mean I wanted this; still want this, but I just didn't think it'd be this hard. And I thought I'd have more time with him." She says her last statement so quietly Kim almost didn't hear it. Lindsey scoots down on the bed and lies holding her misshapen abdomen.
"You know, I sometimes think what life would have been like if my mom had given me up for adoption. Like how much better it would be to have parents that don't regret my existence. I fantasize about it a lot; it's how I got through a lot of the rough patches. You did the right thing Linds. I know it may not seem like it right now, but you're going places and having a kid would have prevented that and then you would have ended up like my mom; resenting your kids for ruining your life." Kim rubs her arm gently and then lies down with her facing her direction.
"But what if I wouldn't resent him? I mean it's not like it's his fault for being born, it's mine. What if I could be a real parent to him?" Her voice is still raspy from crying, but by the desperate tone Kim can tell that she doesn't quite believe her own words.
"I'm sure you could, but I think we both know that this is better for him." At Kim's truthful word Lindsey starts bursting into tears again and just like before Kim is there for her.
She doesn't really deserve Kim's kindness is what she thinks as they embrace, but she's glad for it. If Kim really knew the full story of how this happened she would be going ballistic, but for her sake and everyone's she was being kept in the dark.
Kim breaks the silence ten minutes after Lindsey stopped crying. "So what was it like? Giving birth, because my cousin said when she had her kid she thought she was going to die." She knew it was probably insensitive to bring it up just hours after Lindsey gave birth, but she was truly curious. She knew that this would probably be her someday soon and she wanted to be a prepared as possible.
Lindsey snorted at Kim's nonexistent tact. Of course she would want to know about the fifteen hours of hell I went through. "You're cousin is pretty accurate in her description. I felt like someone literally split my body in two. I honestly don't know how women do that more than once." She was laughing again, but this time genuine and Kim followed with her.
"Oh my god, do you think everything will go back to normal, you down there because my cousin said she can't even use tampons anymore that they're just too small."
Lindsey face turned disgusted as she thought about not being able to use a tampon anymore. "God I hope so." She began to laugh with more vigor at the ridiculousness of the conversation
They continued to talk about more meaningless tings which was relieving to Lindsey. For a little while she didn't think: I want my baby back and it was refreshing.
When Kim finally left all the thoughts that were at bay creeped back in and before she knew it she was crying all over again. That's how Millie found her and her heart couldn't help but go out for Lindsey. She sent a silent pray for Jesus to find her and relieve Lindsey of her pain because it was heart breaking watching her friend become a complete and utter mess. Even when she was starting to hang out with the freaks she didn't seem this broken, this lost, this different. Lindsey no matter what always had her wits about her even while high on pot. Sure she thought a dog waking up was going to end her existence, but that was one paranoid moment in a sea of clarifications. Clarifications that helped Millie understand Lindsey's new stature in life. Now her best friend since kindergarten was a complete and utter mess.
Lindsey saw her friend with her lanky body and her silky strait hair without the weight of the world on her shoulders and she couldn't help the jealousy that rose up in her. She was sheltered and chose to stay that way and here she was more worldly, but broken. Ignorance truly was bliss.
"I know you're unhappy right now and you feel the world his no meaning, but I think going to church with me or any church for that matter would really help. He can take on your burdens and relieve you of your earthly problems." Millie spoke the only truth she knew. Lindsey had done right, still hadn't done irrevocable damage to her life, but knew she'd have to get over an emotional hurdle before any future could start and the church as the best place for lost souls such as hers.
Lindsey screeched out in more pain as her oldest friend decided to give her the god is the answer to everything speech She had seen what believing in god had got her, absolutely nothing and she felt that in no way he could help her now. He couldn't take away this feeling of emptiness and wrong that it was giving up her child. In her head she knew it was the right choice. That this gave the best outcome for all parties especially her son's, but in her heart she it couldn't have felt more wrong. "God Millie! Do you really think that God just gonna fix everything in my life? That he's just going to snap his fingers and all will be alright? The truth is God's not real and if he were he left us a long time ago, so we have to just deal with what were given and I'm dealing with mine." She almost forgot that ignorance was not only bliss, but also stupidity.
"God is here for you and that little person you gave life to, but I understand why you wouldn't believe especially right now. I just needed you to know that he's here for you whenever you're ready." And she meant it.
"Well thank you for the heads up I'll keep that in mind when I'm on the street corner turning tricks for drugs." She was surprise she had enough left in her for sarcasm, but she really wasn't in the mood for coddling her friend. Any other day maybe, especially since she wasn't as hard on her when she found out she was pregnant but today she felt like she had a free pass on any of the bitchy things she said or did because today she gave up a piece of herself.
"I'm not trying to be patronizing Lindsey; I'm just…trying to help you the best way I know." Millie moved her mouth to the side in that way she did when she was unhappy about something. She knew she had little to offer, but what she had could help.
Lindsey's face softened as she thought about the honesty in her friend's statement. Millie wasn't telling her this just to convert her; she was telling her this because in her heart that's what she felt would help. "Thank you Millie." This time she meant it.
"Your welcome" was all she said before she left because it was all she needed.
Next to come in the room was none other than Daniel Desario, the legend. Lindsey was in the bathroom navigating a new way to pee with a warm water bottle as to not disturb her stitches when he came in, so she didn't even know he was there until she came out and was face to face with him. He had the same devil may care look he always wore and Lindsey was just not in the mood for it.
"What do you want Daniel?" the she held the same annoyed tone in her voice as she did after he convinced her to steal her dad's car. He was not someone she wanted to see right now.
"I wanted to offer my congratulations and condolences." He put his hands in his pockets as he stood awkwardly in front of her.
"Well thank, now you can leave." She strode over to the hospital bed and plopped back down on it. She waited to hear the sound of the door closing, but it never came. He stayed in the room right at the end of her bed stoically. She had no idea what more he could want. All of his problems as of today went away when the nurse took away her son and put him into custody of people he would from now on call mom and dad.
"I'm sorry." He looked truly ashamed and that was new for Lindsey. She was used to the looks he gave to gain sympathy.
"For what?" She said tentatively. She was apprehensive towards him because she knew this could be another ploy to manipulate her.
"For everything: for you being here today, for you having to lie, for hurting you." He seemed sincere, but with Daniel she could never tell. She mostly just guessed and hoped for the best.
"Well no offence, but it's a little late for that." Her voice cracked at the end notifying Daniel that she was probably about to cry. He would usually leave, but he had to own up to something for once in his life, so he stayed and prepared to take any abuse she had to dish at him.
"I know, but better late than never." He attempted humor that was not lost on her by the tiny smile he saw accompanied by an eye roll.
"Seriously Daniel, what are you still doing here? You've gotten your congratulations and apology in. Your conscience is now clean, so you can leave."
"No I can't leave. I can't leave until I know you're going to be okay." He seemed embarrassed to admit that he cared about her in some capacity, but then again he always felt embarrassed when he cared about anyone.
Lindsey sat up rapidly wincing at the pain the she just incited in her sore muscles. "You want to know if I'm going to be okay? Well after giving birth to a baby who could be either my ex-boyfriend's or his best friend he was immediately taken away from me because I knew that I'm not good enough for him, that the only thing I could offer was pain and confusion, and despite knowing I made the right choice, I can't stop thinking about how much I want him back." She was hysterical. "That he should be here with me in my arms, but I can't have that, I can't do that to him." She stopped sobbing and they turned into little whimpers. "I can't do that to him…" She laid back down as her body was racked with sobs.
Daniel felt very uncomfortable. He'd never done great with handling a woman's tears. "No one said you had to give him." He said quietly.
He's right she thought. No one had actually told her that she needed to give him up, not even her dad who once told her he'd refuse to take care of some child out of wedlock. But she couldn't bear to abort him and she couldn't bear to put any child through the mess that had become her life. So that's why she chose adoption, it was the only choice left that gave him his best chance.
"Do you really think he would have been better off with me, with a fifty percent chance that the man he'd call dad wasn't his father?" She knew percentage was a little off especially since she wasn't careful at all with Daniel, but she felt comfort in thinking that it could be Nick's, the person's it was supposed to be, the person who was the best case scenario as the father. "To be lied to for all of his life and to be stuck with parents that don't even love each other? That are just together for his sake? You think that won't distort him in anyway? Huh?"
"Still better than what I got, what Kim got, his life wouldn't be a total disaster Lindsey."
"Because that's something to aim for Daniel!"
"Hey, well that's all some of us can aim for Princess!"
"Well maybe you should aim for higher! You ever think of that for once in your life? Have you ever tried to aim to be great? Mediocre doesn't have to be the best you can hope for." Her eyes bored into him with her last statement.
"If that's true, why didn't you aim higher? You know this could have been avoided altogether if you had just aimed higher than me and Nick or better yet used that large brain of yours to think to use a condom."
"You know there were two of us in the car that night, why didn't you think to use a condom? Or better yet, why did you even sleep with me in the first place?" She was truly curious since it happened. Daniel had never shown much interest toward her in that capacity unless he wanted something from her, like a party or answers to a test. But that night he seemed genuine.
"I don't know Lindsey, why'd you sleep with me? I mean you're the one with the smarts; you're the one with the conscience; you're the one who should have known better!" He looked at her accusingly.
"Well maybe I'm not as smart as you think I am! Maybe I'm tired of always being the responsible one! Why am I to blame for everything when something goes wrong?!" She was tired of people's expectations of her. Being smart didn't mean she had to make smart decisions.
"How'd that work out for you Princess?" He knew he was being a smart ass, but didn't care. This essentially was a game for her. Unlike him she could go back and make something of herself.
"Wonderful." She matched his tone with more anger laced into her voice.
"You see Lindsey, ten maybe twenty years from now you'll remember me, Nick, Kim, and we'll be that phase you went through in high school. We'll be the mistakes you made before you could get to your life as a lawyer or something some place far away from here and we'll still be here stuck in the same town with the same lives with the same people because we don't get to bounce back from this. We can't go anywhere. You can and you will, so excuse me for bringing a little perspective to the situation."
"You guys aren't a phase. What makes you think I'll just forget you guys like that especially after this." She looked perplexed by his statement. "You guys are my closest friends."
"For now." He said it silently. "Look I'm sorry, truly. I never meant to ruin your life. I just wanted one night where I didn't feel like a loser and used you to do it." So he was using her.
"If having sex made you not feel like a loser why didn't you just do it with Kim?"
He was reluctant to answer, but after realizing he had nothing to lose he relented. "Because girls like you don't just sleep with anybody. You have standards and if I met a girl like yours's standards then I must not be a total loser, I must have been worth at least something." He avoids eye contact afraid of what he might read on her face. "Anyways you still didn't answer my question. Why'd you do it with me? I mean you were still dating Nick."
She felt sheepish admitting why she cheated on her boyfriend, but she knew that everything said between them would die in secrecy after today. "I wanted to know what it was like even if it was just once. You're the great Daniel Desario and I used to have the hugest crush on you, so I wanted to know what it was like to fulfill my sixteen year-old self's fantasy. Look it's not the best reason, but…" Her eyes traveled to the wall as she thought of the best way to convey her reasons. "…it's all I've got." Her eyes glazed over as she thought about how shallowed she'd been.
Daniel chortled quietly. He knew about her crush back then, even used it to his advantage on a few occasions, but he thought she was over it when she stopped being so easy to manipulate. That's why he felt like a winner for once in his life. He had gotten her idealization back and after she'd gotten to know the real him. "Well it's not like mines much better."
Lindsey gave a small noise of agreement. "Look Lindsey. Are you going to be alright?"
She moved her stare from the wall over to him. "Yeah, I think so." And she meant it. This talk had cemented in her mind that she had made the right choice, but that didn't mean she had to like it.
Her answer was all he needed to leave, so soundlessly he left a near catatonic Lindsey because he knew there was nothing left he could do.
A good fifteen minutes passed before anyone else came in to check on her. It was her mother again. Her father had been avoiding her since she went into labor. He couldn't stand to watch her in pain and she hadn't been much better since she gave birth.
She was still sitting up staring at the wall ahead of her when her mother wrapped her arms around her daughter. She leaned into her taking all the comfort that only mother could give from her. "Why did he have to come early?" Lindsey said defeated. Jean heard her daughter speak, but couldn't decipher the words.
"Huh, sweetie?"
"He was due in two weeks. He could have had two more weeks with me." She broke down in tears again for what felt like the millionth time today against her mother's shoulder. She knew she sounded ridiculous especially since for the majority of her pregnancy she spent it wishing he'd come out and now he has and all she wants is for him to be back inside her kicking her at the most inconvenient times, making her pee every five minutes, getting his foot caught in her rib cage making it hard to breathe or anything because anything's better than this. If she'd know how much she'd miss him after she gave him up she would have cherished the time she had with him in her pregnancy more.
Her mother held Lindsey in a strong embrace while rubbing her back gently. "I know sweetie" was all she said because she knew that Lindsey didn't need anything else, but to let out her pain. She rocked Lindsey back and forth like she did when Lindsey was a baby and just like it did then it calmed Lindsey down.
When Lindsey pulled out of her embrace she looked up at her mother with watery eyes and asked, "Will it always feel this way?"
Jean shook her head gently and said, "No, no it won't. It'll get easier, but it's going to take a lot of time and even then it'll still hurt. But you're going to make it through this Lindsey." She kissed Lindsey's forehead and then laid her down. "You should get some rest." Lindsey didn't argue with that and moments after Jean left the room exhaustion took her under.
She didn't wake up until the next morning feeling very confused by her surroundings. The sight of Sam kept her from completely losing it and then she remembered the day before. Her confusion quickly turned to sadness and tears started to leak from her eyes. Sam got up from his chair and went straight to his sister. "Hey, it's alright." He very tentatively rubbed her arm not knowing another way to calm her down.
"No it's not alright." She said sobbing. She continued to cry until she realized that only her brother was here. "Where are Mom and Dad?"
"Oh they went home to get some thing's they'll be back soon." Sam looked out of his element. Sure he'd seen her cry, but not like this, not so defeated.
"Okay" she said monotonously and was about to slip into a dazed state, but then she caught the freaked out look on her little brother's face. "Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out."
His face turned sympathetic. "Its fine you don't have to apologize. I think you're allowed to be a little emotional." He sat back in his chair near her bed.
She snorted when he said a little emotional, understatement of the year. "So what's been going on with you? It feels like forever since we've talked."
"Yeah, well you've been a little distracted. And anyways you don't want to hear about my life. You've got your own problems."
"I do want to hear about it or else I wouldn't have asked." He was still quiet debating whether he should talk to her or not. His life seemed so trivial compared to hers. "Come on, it'll distract me and I desperately need one."
"Alright." He proceeded to tell her all about his adventures from his sophomore year of high school. Lindsey was forced to attend night school for her remaining senior year, so she didn't get to see him much outside the house which he wasn't home a lot due to play rehearsal. Plus she'd been kind of a sucky sister and daughter by avoiding them as much as she could out of shame.
He told her about how Bill was now on the basketball team and making some new friends. He didn't quite like this because he started spending lunch with them instead of him and Neal, but his fears of losing one of his best friends disappears every Friday when he still shows up for their weekly D&D game. Daniel even still joins from time to time, but a lot less since her pregnancy.
Neal had found a new crowd as well, the glee club, but he was mostly there to impress Sandy Kent who still hadn't given him the time of day. And Sam had poured himself into the drama club. At first it was to get away from the constant tension between Lindsey and their parents, but now he can say he thoroughly enjoys it despite being on the tech side of things.
Lindsey listened to his high school problems and felt relieved that at least some things could stay the same. That her little brother was still the same sweet kid he was a year ago. His stories about school eventually turned into telling her about the latest bits from comedy that he was obsessed about. She laughed along with him and let it take to another place free from burden. She missed her little brother and didn't know why she had started avoiding him in the first place.
Eventually her parents came back to their kids laughing and they couldn't help the smiles that came to their faces. Their daughter was definitely not the same person, but seeing her laugh like she always did with her brother gave them hope that she was going to be okay.
Mrs. Weir held paper bags and said, "I've got food" and though Lindsey didn't feel like eating anything, she still gratefully took it. The Weirs had the first family meal in months that wasn't laced with tension and disappointment in her cramped little hospital room, even her father, who always looked like he was on the brink of tears at the sight of Lindsey, had seemed to be in his usual mood because even though this was not the life he wanted for her, he knew nothing could change it and it was time to be her dad not her conscience.
Lindsey doesn't remember the freaks or her son as that phase in high school where she made a lot of mistakes when she's a mathematics professor at Yale. They're all a part of her and still are. She's still in contact with every one of them, even Daniel and though Nick only answers with the occasional post card from where ever he's shipped out to, she refuses to let them go because in spite of how well her life turned out compared to theirs she knows she's no better than them. She will always be the girl who got knocked up in high school, Kim will always be the school slut, Daniel will always be the underachiever and Nick will always be the burnout, but in the end they made their own destinies.
A/N: I know none of this would have ever happened on the show, but when I read what they had plannned(ish) for season 2 with Kim pregnant and Lindsey ODing this was what I thought of. Also I love putting characters out of their elements. I also wanted a small taste of Daniel and Lindsey, but not as an end game because once Daniel inevitably does something stupid and Lindsey says she's done, she will be done and that would be the end of it. This way just gave more disastrous results and thus more entertaining.