A/n: All rights go to the amazing Tamora Pierce. (Sadly) She owns it all,
"I don't understand, Mother. And most of all, you don't understand."
I glared my mother, and felt my heart sink deeply into my chest, wading in my crushed hopes of love and life.
She doesn't approve? What doesn't she understand? Kel has twice the class of any of those girls she's always fawning over.
"It isn't your choice my Son. You need to weigh the details of this. Hasty choices can lead to hasty consequences, and you have an entire fiefdom to think about. I can't take care of our people forever."
I know it's selfish… but our people will love her. She's beautiful, strong, passionate, trustworthy, perseverant, brave and a true leader. Why can't I make her my wife? Why can't she bare my children and make my life forever blissful with her presence. Why can't I love her?
"Think about it Mother. Who better to take help me care of our people? She's amazing, and -"
Mother held up a persistent hand, and wouldn't hear another word.
"Thing of your betrothal, Son.."
Ermelian of Aminar.. but his mother had only meantioned the idea to Ermelian's father, Hansgrov. Had she really gotten to old man to take up her proposal?
"Did Hangrov really agree to it?"
I felt my heart sink even deeper into my chest.. was I really betrothed? I'd never thought anyone could get that stubborn old man to agree to anything.
"Amazingly he did, right after his youngest daughter got married. He is in desperate need of money just as we are, Cleon. He pushed Olisa into her marrige three years earlier to help pay for his failed crops last harvest. No one's doing well."
"And what am I to do .. sacrafice my love, my future and my fate so some man can pay his crops. I have my duties as a knight.."
I stopped, knowing my mother wouldn't listen. I began to weigh the factors in my head, as my heart beat in rhythm with my mothers drumming fingers.
"Why not marry a woman who can take care of this Fief while you fight, Cleon. Your right- you've worked all your life for your shield and now that you have it.. you can't just let our land and our people wither away. You need a woman who can keep our land running smoothly while your not around."
"Mother, but you don't understand.. Kel is that woman. She's a powerful woman with strengh and vigor. Kel could command our people like she does in the field, she's a leader."
"That's just it, Son. She is still going for her shield, do you expect her to drop her hopes and dreams she that she can raise you a litter. If Kel's anything like you say she is.. she won't."
"We'll wait to get married, she can be a knight and a Baroness at the same time. It's been done before, Mother."
My mother's eyes, darting across my face looked as it they were looking for some kind of answer that she couldn't see, "Not in this situation. We are a small Fief.. with not many servants, how do you expect a lady knight to raise children and fight for her country valiently at the same time?"
"It's been done Mother. You've met the Lioness and Baron George.. they are raising a family just fine and they both have prominent, demanding jobs that they do tirelessly for they're country."
"Trust me, Son. Answer this for me.. do you love her?"
"Mother, words cannot describe the love I feel for Kel, she's what makes me breath."
Mother nodded her face still a statue before me.
"Do you respect her?"
"There isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, she has my respect, my praise, my attention and my heart."
My heart began to skip a beat, was she giving me permission to dismiss Ermelian? Did I have her blessing to make my Kel, my wife?
"Cleon.. ever since you fell love I've seen you change. She's made you a real man, a real leader. I only wish she could become our Baroness. Son listen to me, if you love her and respect her like you say… do not wed her. You will tear apart each others lives before you can see it coming. She needs to be the lady knight she can be and you need to be here in charge of the Fief. Rethink this."
I glared at her; my desperate heart filled with rage. "How can you say that. I don't care if you disapprove, Mother. She's my world, she's what makes me breath. You can't just wrench this from me."
"I understand you love her. I want you to have the love your father and I had.. but right now we have no choices. If you don't marry before Midwinter, our fief will die. This Mindelan girl has a meger dowry that can't help us at all. Ermelian's dowry is subsequently larger, and the marrige will not just help the Fief but also help Aminar.. which will help most of the villages around us. This marrige will keep out people alive long enough for us to get back on track. You need to be a leader my Son, and not a lover now. Our fate hangs in the balance."
No. Gods help us.
That Night In His Rooms..
Tap. Tap. Tappity, Tap.
I could hold the quill in my hands long enough to write a word. It kept falling out of my hand and hitting the ancient wood floor, making light tapping sounds every few minutes. The ink would always spread and smear, as my big hands tried to grip what was left of the ink sploteced feather, and my nearly black fingers didn't help leaving suspicious fingerprints on everything. After going through at least three pages of my mother's precious stationary paper, it was now just a big messy pile of crushed hopes in front of me.
It's selfish. Puting love before my people? But it's what I want.
I felt ashamed. How could I put my love for Kel before my duty, before my family?
I grabbed at one of my ink splotched letters.
To My Dearest Kel,
You are my world, my everything. Your what makes me wake in the morning and what I dream about when I lay in bed at night. You need to understand me.. my mother disapproves of our union, she's worried about my Fief, about my people, about everything.
How can I have you drop your shield when your so close to it? What kind of a man would that make me. A coward? A monster. I love you with all the world, and so I cannot make you give up your dreams. It would be in-human of me to turn on my people when they need me most. I kills me we cannot wed, It tears my heart to shreds. But you have to understa-
The letter cut off, and my writing had become illegiable; covered in splashes of ink and even my own fallen tears.
I'm just making a bunch of excuses. I need to be a man and tell her myself. The thought of this made me weak at the knees, so unlike the strong man I portrayed on the battlefield.
Oh Gods, help me. Mithros..
Inside Kel's Tent That Night…
Kelardy of Mindlelan smiled at the jolly dog snuggled at her feet.
Jump was so valient, and so basically adorable, he knew exactly what to do to cheer her up. As she leaned down to rubb his soft belly, she sighed. If only Cleon, were here he'd make this better.. Oh Cleon, she hadn't seen him in months. With her Ordeal so close she couldn't bear think he wouldn't be around to see her take her first step's as Tortall's second female knight to take on the realm. It was her dream and she wanted the man of her dreams to see her reach it.
He'd promise to consoul his mother on the matter of they're marrige before he returned. Why haven't I gotten word yet? Silence was a bad thing, without word from Cleon if they had his mother's blessing to dissmiss his heiress, they couldn't marry. Silence mean't something had come up. I don't know if I'm really ready to marry, all I know is that Cleon is the man I want to see waiting for me at the altar. But not now.. with my shield so close to my grasp. Later, maybe a couple years. I won't be able to raise children while I'm so wrapped up in my duties to the realm. Children: Cleon's children.. She sighed. He wouldn't stop talking about children, he wants to make not only an honest woman of me, but a wife, a mother, and a baroness. To take care of him, the children we'll have, a fief in danger and be a lady knight? Is it possible?
Can I handle all that?
It's better to think of it as another obsticle to face off with, I got so many ahead.
Thank you. Please Read & Review.. I need constructive criticism. (This is my 19th fanfiction.. but not on this accout. Any help can make me a better writer and help me strive for my own dreams..)