HIYA! Random girl had a random idea which turned into a random story.
ME: I own Twilight na na na na na na!
(carries on chanting but doesn't notice that she is being surrounded by black cloaked figures)
ME: Na na na na na-oops.
JANE: Say you don't own Twilight!
ME: Um...Bella? Miss Shield? Are you out there by ANY chance at all.
(crickets)
ME: Aw crap. (whimpers)
JANE: Say it! Say it now!
ME: (mumbles)
JANE: Okay, even WE didn't hear that.
ME: FINE! I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT! (-disclaimer)
It was an ordinary day in Volterra (aka: plotting and scheming with a side of torture). Aro was sitting in the throne room with his brothers when Gianna knocked on the giant medieval door.
"Um...Masters?" She tiptoed into the giant hall, quivering and clutching an envelope in one hand.
"Yes Gianna?"
Aro addressed their human secretary, while Marcus glared at the floor and Caius muttered under his breath.
"I have a letter that is addressed to the Volturi. Well actually it's addressed to the 'Voltoorie', but I assumed that it meant us," Aro gestured for Gianna to come forward. Knowing that it was not a good idea to keep Aro waiting, Gianna sprinted (and stumbled, due to her high heels) forward.
Aro sniffed the envelope. A look of confusion and alarm spread across his face. "Hmm. Smell this, brothers." He passed it to Caius who, in turn, passed it to Marcus. They all wore identical expressions.
"Gianna," Caius barked. "Fetch the guard and tell them ALL to come here IMMEDIATELY."
Gianna sprinted (stumbled) her way out.
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Once the guard was all gathered in the one room, Aro made the announcement.
"Dear ones, a human has written to us in the form of a letter."
There was multiple gasps and shocked whispers among the vampires. Aro continued.
"We have already read it ourselves, and it is very...interesting. We want you all to read it and tell us what you think."
Aro passed the letter to Jane, who everybody crowded around to get a closer look. Jane read the letter aloud.
"Dear Arrow, Caius, Markus and the gard,
hellow. My name is Mackenzie. My older bruder red me buks abowt u guyse and i wanted to rite to u cos u sownded funy.
Hi, Alex and Jayne-Alex!"
Jane burst out laughing, along with most of the guard. Alec scowled (he looked so much like Jane when he did that). Then he looked closer at the letter.
"Yeah, well she spelled your name wrong!"
Jane peered, then scowled a scowl identical to Alec's. "It's an honest mistake-and anyway, some people do spell my name like that!"
The twins began sniping at each other, so Demetri snatched the letter and continued reading.
"Hi, Alex and Jayne!"-snicker-"I lyke u guyse powers. dey sownd lyke fun.
"Dear Felix, u hav the same name as my kiten! i luvd my kiten, but mumy and dady sent him away 2 liv on a farm wen he got owlde. dat made me fele sad.
"Hellow Demeetree, my bruder sed dat u trak tings. I cant find the farm dat Felix (my kiten) livs on now. I wuz wundering if u wud find it cos i misss Felix (my kiten).
"Is this human mentally retarded?" Heidi wondered aloud over the twin's bickering.
"You're next!" Reneta chuckled. She snatched the letter and read it for everyone.
"Hiya Hidee, do u lyke hide and seek? i luv it very much. i gess u like hiding da best, huh?
"Hellow Reneeta, i lyke ur power 2. It wud be gud in skool wen da meen gurls want 2 punch u.
" Dear Santeeago, are u santa clawse? Tanx for da bike. i reely luv it!"
"When did I send this human a bike?!" Santiago was (understandably) confused.
Reneta continued. "Hi dere, dady and my bruder suport chelsee in soker, so if u wud win for dem pleeze, dey wud be reely happie.
"Dear Afton, I have an unkle cald Afton. Are u my unkle?
"Hellow anchents. U sownd reely owlde!"
The whole guard laughed now (accept Jane and Alec who were still arguing feverently).
"Gudbiee, Voltooree! Luv and kises, Makenzie."
There was silence (almost).
"You two! Stop that NOW!" Caius screamed at the twins. THEN there was silence.
"What are we to do? This human knows all of our secrets! As does her brother!" Marcus cried.
"Get ready for travel, my dear ones, tomorrow you leave to find this girl Mackenzie, and bring her here to us!" Aro's decision was final.
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Two days later, the guard returned to the castle. They all had the exact same dead look on there faces (pun intended-after all, it is a humor fic!) and they looked exhausted.
Well, all accept for Felix.
"And den Tom went SPLAT! Wite into da cweme pie! And den-" The guard groaned at the hundreth 'and den' since they found the girl (no, I'm not exaggerating when I say hundreth-Alec was counting). Felix, however, was listening intently, roaring with laughter as the little girl (who turned out to be three years old) skipped along beside him. He hoisted her up onto his broad shoulders as the guard dragged themselves (figuratively speaking) into the throne room where Aro, Caius and Marcus were waiting for their return.
They approached the ancients. Felix addressed them first.
"This girl," he pointed to Mackenzie on his shoulders. "Blows. My. Mind. I mean, you have GOT to hear these stories of a cat and mouse-"
"Tom and Jewwy," Mackenzie corrected.
"Right. They, Are, AMAZING!"
"Come forward child, give me your hand," Aro reached for Mackenzie. Felix plopped her down on the round and she scrambled her way to Aro.
"Awe you Awwow?" She asked cautiously, placing her tiny hand in his.
"Yes, I am."
"Awe you weeding my mind?" She asked.
"Yes."
"Cool!" She crowed. Aro released her hand. He chuckled.
"How amazing the mind of a young child works!"
"Can we keep her?" Felix begged. "Please!"
"Pweese pweese pweese!" Mackenzie lisped.
"Indeed we can! We shall observe her life cycle as she matures and hopefully she can teach us how to interact among humans. Then when the time comes, she can become one of us herself!"
"WHAT?!" Caius screamed.
The guard would have burst into tears, were that possible.
Oh yes, it was going to be a LOOOOOOOOONG lifetime.