The letters streamed before his eyes, the screen flickered into his face. Around Don, his machines hummed their usual lullaby. This was his haven, his little world in a not much bigger one. His little family was but a speck compared to what he saw above him, where light filled the street and people interact with each other. From the slits of the sewers, he saw the humans holding hands. From the rooftop, his chocolate brownie eyes taking in the scenes of their kiss. Across the window on a fire escape, his heart flutter as they hug each other to happiness. A mutant couldn't have much of that, not without them screaming to his face in terror. That's what he used to think until this day...
"I love you"
Those three words were so simple, and they sounded so crude and awkward coming from Raphael, yet... Don let out a sign, sinking back into his chair as the scene replayed in his mind, over and over again. Why didn't he notice that before? Or maybe he did, but he simply brushed it off, taking it for granted that it was just brotherly love. Delved into the depth of his memory, Don recalled those moments when he was protected from their enemy. Those rude moments when he just barged into Don's lab and dragged the genius away from his little haven and into his bed. Or they were simply moments when they were together tinkering with the vehicles...
Letting his eyelid slid shut, Don searched for an answer. Those little moments weren't good enough for him. Of all the choice Raph could make, the fiery turtle chose him. Was it because Don was the most gentle? No, he was gentle to everyone. Was it because his mechanic skill? No, Casey could satisfy Raph's hunger for bike much better. Was it because of his unyielding strength with the bo staff? No, Leo and Mikey proved to be better sparring partners even though they couldn't compare to Don and Raph's strength. So then... what was it?
Brought up the most recent memory of them together, Don could see how those golden orbs lightened up when those words were spoken, how those emerald lips stuttered. Those were clear signs of real emotion surging up from deep within his passionate brother. Don understood perfectly the effort of how Raph stepped out from his confine, revealing his heart to Don. Raph would move mountains if his strength allows it, but it takes nearly a miracle for him to show his affection, or in this case, Don himself.
Raph had worked up the courage to confess his feeling, but as to why did he have it, Don's intellectual brain failed miserably to comprehend. What could Raph possibly see in him?
The creak from his door pulled Don back to reality. He looked over to see the subject of his thought standing there, in the same spot where just seconds later he would leave it, to approach Don and pulled him away from his sanctuary. But this time, it was different. Raph stood there, his golden irises reflected the light from Don's computer screen. The expression on the emerald face was, for the first time in Don's life, unreadable.
- It's late - Raph broke the silence the best way he knows how.
- I'm almost done - A white lie, but what else could Don say?
- Well, go ta bed soon.
Something gripped at the genius's heart. That voice... that tone... When did Raph ever sounded so weak, so defeated? Raphael, the strongest of his brothers never sounded like this before...
Raph moved slowly away, retreating back from the door. Don's lips parted before his brain commanded them:
- Raph!... When you said those words to me...
- No need ta say it, Donnie. If ya don't feel the same way I do, I understand...
- No! I mean... I just want to ask... Why me?
Don would bet everything in his lab that he saw the expressionless face of his brother flickered. It was something between hurt and comfort, something that Don's mind also failed to explain. The reaction lasted for no more than a mere moment, but then, Raph rewinded his step, entering Don's lab completely and closed the door behind him.
- Ya wanna know why did I fall for ya?
A nod. Raph took one step toward him.
- I thought ya saw it coming a mile away already.
A shake. Raph took another step.
- Then allow me ta make this clear for ya...
One more step, and now Raph was right above Don. Emerald hands rested on either sides of his shoulders, keeping him from turning away. As if Don could, those golden orbs alone were more than enough.
- Whenever I'm with ya, I find peace, Donnie. I don't know how, but that's the best way ta put it. I fight with Leo or chase after Mikey, or even coming back from a fight from topside beaten up. Don't matter, ya make them all seem so far away, like... like when yer alone in here. I saw the look on yer face when yer in here, like this place's yer haven or sumthin', and I'm death sure I have that same look on my face too when I'm with ya... You're my haven, Donnie, my whole world...
The whole time when Raph gave Don the answer, he was glued to his chair, his body bound just by Raph's eyes and words alone. The only thing he could move was his eyes, and they kept traveling between those lips and those amber eyes. He didn't know what to say, or even how to process those information. Raph released him after what seemed like century, emerald hands leaving olive skin as if he was losing a part of his body. Backing to the door, the expression on his red clad brother returned to what he saw when Raph entered. Turning away from Don, Raph said finally:
- No matter what ya think or do, I still love ya.
With that, Don was left alone again, in his haven.
Don only became aware of his hands curling into fists after he felt something disgusting boiling up inside him, something he rarely felt: anger. But it wasn't toward Raph. No, how could he? Raph loved him with everything he's got. He loved him in his crude and clumsy way, but it was only because his heart was too big for him to handle. No, the anger that swelling up inside was for someone much closer, much much closer...
Himself.
Was Don angry because he didn't notice? Probably. So much for him being the genius of the family when he couldn't even see those signs. But he was angry because of something much worse...
His own feeling.
Realizing Raph's love wasn't shocked enough, he had to realize that his feeling for the emerald turtle wasn't what he expected it to be. It was definitely love, but it was brotherly love, nothing more. All he saw from Raph was a guardian, a friend, a brother, but never before in his life would Don imagine that one day, the perspective would shift and he now saw Raph as a lover, and the result frightened him to the core. He could practically see his own emotions piling up in front of him, like a pile of disgusting toxic waste. Was that how his feeling would look like compared to Raph's? If he felt that way then Raph's heart would be crushed into dust. No, he couldn't have that. No matter how insignificant, no matter how small, no matter how different, his feeling for Raph was real, as real as Raph's for him...
Don stood up and strode away from his lab, the running computer completely forgotten. Standing in front of that door, Don had the feeling that his gaze could penetrate the wood, that he could see his brother curling up in his hammock, alone. Gripping the handle tightly his knuckles turned white, Don felt his mind easing itself. Yes, his love for his fiery brother may seemed small at time, but who could tell if it couldn't develop in the future? Pushing the door open, Don entered, the unfamiliar haven welcomed him with open arms...
So... this is how holding hand feels like... so warm...
So... this is how a hug feels like... so safe...
So... this is how a kiss feels like... so... unbelievable...