Author's Note:
Brb, I'm still dreading over chapter 70 and its implications. Ugh, my heart is breaking here.
In any case, this is experimentation. This should be all kind of nondescript and such, but you should still be able to comprehend what's going on. I love The Last Five Years too much. Please point out errors if you spot them since I know I'm not perfect.
You go guess their ages (though it is written somewhere down there) and guess how much they change.
This is lengthy. I dedicate this to all my awesome readers, who are patient and just really awesome.
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i. Still Hurting
Kahoko
It's over. And he, he's probably feeling just fine.
The phone rings, causing whatever reverie she was in to be disrupted. She walks slowly to the stand and lets the phone ring a few more times before she picks it up. She knows who it is on the other line—after all, who else could know about her staying in this hotel?
Far, far from home—but then again, it wasn't really much of a home, now was it?
"H-hello? Um, yes, those are mine. Pl-please be careful with them, I—no, I'll be going there this…weekend, if you and—don't mind. I'll also be—"
Silence overwhelms her; he's the one talking now. It's always been like this—how come she never really saw it before?
You, you weren't so cold and intimidating when we…
"Oh, so you won't be there. Great, it'll be easier that way for me, I guess."
Because I don't have to see you, because I don't have to be repeatedly reminded about lies, about things that you swore to be true.
She forces a laugh out and it comes out hoarse. She thinks that he might notice how she's…like this, and maybe he'll go back to her. That or maybe he really is convinced that something wonderful died.
He doesn't care.
"Yes, it was…nice talking to you, too."
Another lie.
He hangs up and she still holds on, clings to the phone, trying to remember everything that was them and at the same time trying to remind herself that it doesn't exist now. Tears, warm and salty, blur her eyesight and it doesn't matter to her.
It's not like I wasn't blind or oblivious or anything before, right?
She raises the phone back to her face and between stutters and quick gasps for breath, she says, "Tsukimori Len, I can't see how you could be so certain that we, we had no chance at all. But maybe there's a lesson to learn here but, but it wouldn't change the fact that you and I…"
She breaks down on the floor and continues to cry.
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ii. I Could Be in Love With Someone Like You
Len
"I'm breaking my mother's heart. My mother likes you a lot, I know, but I don't think she'll be approving of this."
She casually raises a brow at him and throws in a pensive look. "You've been rambling all afternoon, Tsukimori-kun, about things I don't understand," she chirps. "I'm not quite used to it, but I haven't seen you for a while now, so maybe that's what happened to you. I mean I'm much more calm now and I'm not at all that clumsy anymore, so…what about you?"
They're awfully quiet now, and he is panicking albeit his unmoving façade. "I just—I really don't know. How are you?"
"Is there anything I should know of, Tsukimori-kun? It's kind of weird how you suddenly invited me to this café and all. Are you still the same Tsukimori-kun I met in high school? You know, during the concours and all?"
"If you had a tatoo, it wouldn't matter."
"Wh-what?"
"It wouldn't matter if you had a pierced tongue either."
"Well, I find those things taboo and absolutely disgust—"
"Even if you've been in jail or you once were a man."
"Tsukimori-kun, you're starting to freak me out so please—"
"If your mother and your brother had relations with each other, then I…well, nobody's perfect, so I guess—"
"Tsukimori-kun!" she shouts and he's finally brought back to the ground. "Can you please tell me what the heck you're talking about? If you say one more thing that is out of my comprehension, I'll find no point in being here and I will go back home—do you understand?"
He breathes in deeply and tries to hide his nervousness. "I—I really don't know why, but I guess it's because I saw you the other day and I watched you play and I just remembered how we were during high school."
"And then?"
"And then I realized how far our paths are and I don't think I want that, Hino."
She doesn't talk and he thinks that that's the way it should be on her part. The edges of his lips go up impulsively and he says, "I think I could be in love with someone like you."
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iii. See I'm Smiling
Kahoko
She sits at a table in a café, leafing through different papers, projects from her students, and bites her lower lip in nervousness.
Is he coming?
She hopes that he does, but she can't be completely sure. And right on cue, she sees him exiting his car with a solemn look on his face—and though he's not in the state she imagined he would be in, she's still happy that her thoughts are reassured.
"I can't believe you made it." She smiles sincerely. "My students gave this sweater to me this morning. They all told me that it was as pretty as me—I don't know how they were able to compare me to a sweater, though."
They both laugh, and she thinks they're going to be okay.
It just doesn't feel the same anymore. Something's changed in Len and…I can't put my finger on it. It's just not the same as five years ago.
"Are you going to the concert I arranged, Len? I'll be performing, too, and I've been practicing really hard while you were gone. I promise that it's going to be worth it. It's next week and I—"
It's okay, it's going to be all better because we can make it that way. With all we've had to go through…we'll just start again this weekend. That could work, couldn't it?
"I can't, I'll be on tour in Europe. I—please don't cry, I really don't want to see you cry," he tries to comfort her, but he's using his monotonous voice and she thinks that he doesn't mean anything he says.
"I didn't know you had to go so soon, Len. I just thought we had a little time—no, no, don't mind me, I'll be alright. If you have to, then…go. I'll always be here anyway," she pushes his hands away and continues to cry.
"I," he starts, biting his lip. "I have to go, Kahoko." He stands up from his chair and kisses her forehead and squeezes her arm. "I'll be back…maybe in the morning. The guys, they—"
"I don't care, Len," she says, trying to match his emotionless tone. "Just go before I change my mind."
"So what, Kaho, are you antagonizing me again? I already promised you that I'd be back next morning, but what? Isn't that enough for you?" He raises his tone, and she's sourly reminded of her father as he does. She tries to not just explode in front of him, in front of other people.
"You could spend the night with me, Len, but no, you choose the same twenty jerks you already know."
"I know you, too, Kaho."
"You could stay with your wife on her birthday, how about that, Len?" It comes out like a desperate plea, not a witty response that would catch his attention like she had planned it to be. "Or maybe you could even see my show—I really don't know, Len. Or am I driving you too insane now because I'm the only thing stopping you from playing with your little girlfriends?"
"You're jealous—"
"No, I'm not, and that's not the point. My point is, Len, that you can't spend a single day that's not about you! Aren't you just wonderful, twenty-eight and already some kind of virtuoso, some savior of the violin?" She snaps, and she cowers, trembles, as she sees his hand raised up to her cheek. She braces herself for whatever impact, but she only sees him turn his heel to leave and drive away.
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iv. Moving Too Fast
Len
"We're not moving too fast, now are we?" he asks, lifting a box full of scores and sheets.
"No, I don't think so," she says happily. "It was your idea, wasn't it? And besides, I'm actually excited. I want to see how life could be while living under the same roof with an ice cube as a boyfriend."
"You've been hanging out with Tsuchiura too much."
"And you're jealous." She puts her tongue out for a second and then continues to walk, carrying her own box of clothes. "Do I get my own room or do we share?"
"Share?" he asks nervously.
"Well, yeah. This is experimentation, Len! If we don't get along now, then imagine how more messed up it'll be when we get married," she explains to him, opening one room. "What room is this?"
"The practice room," he replies.
"So do we make a schedule on who gets to practice when or something?"
"No, actually, that's yours. Mine is the one next to it."
"I think I'm going to like it with you," she says with a big smile on her face. "This house will always be full of music, and I don't think I'm going to be alone that much like in my apartment—what do you think about cats?"
"If you want cats then we'll have cats," he replies coolly, lazily kicking in the box full of papers into the room."Whatever makes you happy, Kahoko."
"Looks like your heart's been stolen," she jokes.
"More like my ego's swollen," he replies, and they both laugh. "All this before we're both twenty-four," he takes a deep breath after that and turns to Kaho, who was still wearing a goofy grin.
"You sound surprised," she says.
"We're not moving too fast, now are we?" He asks again, prompting her to slap his arm playfully and go into a fit of giddy giggles.
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v. A Part of That
Kahoko
"Remind me why I am here again, Kaho-chan," Nami whispers so quietly that the person she was talking to couldn't decipher much of what she was saying. "I think I've forgotten because all the people here look too fancy and sophisticated for my class."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Why am I here again?"
"Um, because you love me?" Kahoko replies, ending with a squeak. "And I kind of needed a date for the event, Nami-chan, so…"
"Where's your hubby Tsukimori?" Nami asks, almost in a worrying tone, albeit the still childish nickname she gave for Len. "He's supposed to be here, isn't he?"
"Have you forgotten, Nami-chan, that this is his concert? It's not his first, but it's his first since we got married. He was just all too busy with practicing, helping me manage the house, and check tests and assignments with me. I feel awfully selfish and so I owe it to him to come here, right?"
"Of course! And he needs you to support him! I mean, what kind of wife would you be if you didn't?"
"An awful one," she replies. "But it's been weird in the house lately. He's so quiet and—"
"But he's always been quiet, remember?"
"Well, just imagine my surprise when he confessed to me out of the blue—after not seeing each other for two years! We eventually got so comfortable with each other; I guess the marriage was just inevitable. And now, he's more distant. We have normal fights, but I'm sure they're nothing," Kaho explains vaguely, staring at the stage, watching him perform.
"Do you see him up there, Nami-chan?" she asks, pointing to the stage. "I'm a part of that!" she exclaims proudly. "…aren't I?"
Nami looks at her friend with confusedly. She was being awfully moody, and it's getting scary.
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vi. The Schmuel Song
Len
"It's our first Christmas together," she announces, then blows to cool her cup of hot cocoa. "I can't believe I'm spending it so far from everyone…"
"I'm sorry for dragging you away from all of them, then," he jokes. "Really, if you wanted to spend it with someone else, I would've been okay with it."
"No, you wouldn't, you jealous prat. You get awfully jealous when I hang out with other guys—even my students!"
"That would make me insecure, Kaho. But when you constantly remind me of how self-absorbed I am, how am I supposed to convince myself that I really am jealous?" he asks, sipping from his mug. "Your gift is making me too happy, Kaho," he says, pointing to the espresso machine on the kitchen counter. "Too happy. You're not hyping me up with caffeine, now are you?"
"I just thought that we both needed it. You're busy composing melodies and practicing sonatas while I'm busy checking papers and planning activities. Both require us staying up late—okay, so maybe it's mostly me who's awake, but you stay up with me all the time!" She defended, stuttering.
He raises a brow at her and says, "So you bought yourself a gift and disguised it as—"
"No, no, don't think of it that way! I was thinking of you when I bought it—really, I was!"
He chuckles and stands from the couch to get his violin. "Well, aside from the laptop I gave you, I composed something for you."
"I want to hear it," she says. And so he does.
When he's done, she's awestruck and she finds no words to express how she feels about it. He's standing there, almost choking the poor violin's neck. She smiles, and so does he—except he does it so awkwardly that she couldn't help but laugh at his attempt.
He laughs, too. "Have I mentioned today how lucky I am to be in love with you?"
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vii. A Summer in Ohio
Kahoko
"No! My colleagues are rather eccentric. I don't think you've met them yet, but—"
"Get off the phone, Hino-san—I mean, Tsukimori-san," one of the other teachers teases. "The students might find it unfair that you're using your phone here in the woods while they have to suffer listening to the tour guide saying things that they probably won't be able to remember anyway."
"—yes, I ate lunch already. Miike-kun ate with me a while ago. Oh, but you remember me telling me about Miike-kun, do you? No, well I—"
"Tsukimori-san, really, get off the phone now before I resolve to confiscate it."
Kahoko puts one hand on her hips and pouts. "But, but, Aiko-chan, I—"
Aiko, her closest fellow teacher, sighs, exasperated, and says, "You have a minute."
Kahoko, exuberant, mouths a thank you and proceeds, "Why are we even talking? You should be working, shouldn't you? The songs you were asked to compose are due next week, aren't they? Have you started at all? I'm sorry, am I nagging you too much? I'm sorry, I just really miss you, and I'm worried and I should be getting off the phone any second now, but I—" She says all those so quick, without much breathing in between the sentences. She looks to the right and sees Aiko with a grim face that simply told her that if she wasn't going to hang up soon, she was going to throw her phone into the nearby lake.
"Yes, yes, I—I love you! I'll be back home in a few days—wait for me!"
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viii. The Next Ten Minutes
Len&Kahoko
"Maybe I could just sit here forever with you," he says, holding her even closer.
"It's been ten minutes, and you've been awfully talkative. In fact, more talkative and nervous than I usually am," she giggles, pulling away slightly.
"Ten minutes is awfully long," he replies, "Can I have another ten?"
"That's a rather odd request, don't you agree so?" she asks, rhetorically. "But you have that; you have me. I—" Her voice starts to quaver and at the same time, he lightly shivers.
"And the next ten lifetimes, Kahoko?" he asks, making her shake with he assumes to be either confusion or anxiety. "I think that should be equal to a million summers…"
"Tsukimori-kun," she says and forgets that they have gotten past the formal name-calling. "What, what are you saying…?"
"I—there are so many dreams I need to see with you," he says, kind of fidgeting. "I don't think that you, though, would be interested in any of them."
"What kind of supposition is that?" she asks, laughing rather tensely. "But if you're asking, I do."
"You do what?"
"I'll marry you, Len," she says with so much determination that even he is astounded by it. "I don't know how anybody survives in this life without someone like you, so…here I am."
Nothing comes after that but their mutual silence and the sun that seems to continuously set in front of them.
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ix. A Miracle Would Happen
Len
"Are you okay there? I mean, your co-teachers aren't doing anything to you, now are they?" he asks worriedly as he sets aside several sheets of paper on the desk in front of him. "I don't think I have met any of them, though."
He hears her reply in such a fast and hurried tone that he couldn't help but laugh to himself as he imagines whatever situation she may be in while she's talking to him. "Well, have you eaten lunch, at least?"
He frowns. "No, who's that?"
There's a silence and she doesn't reply. He hears the bell ring and he goes down to see who's there. The phone is in his hand, as he assumes she isn't talking on the other end of the line.
It's Miyaji-san.
"Hello, Kahoko, are you still there? I have to go back to work now. Um, yes, I love you, too. See you soon."
The line dies at the same time Miyaji enters the gate.
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x. Climbing Uphill
Kahoko
"It's so hard being a teacher," she complains to no one in particular. "You get too much criticism from students and parents and practically everyone who doesn't understand how hard it is to do your job the way you were instructed to."
She wishes that the papers in front of her would just check themselves or just disappear. "Most of the things here don't even make sense. And this is really, really just too stressful."
"Am I crazy for talking to myself like this just so I wouldn't end up overly panicking? No, right?" she continues to chatter mindlessly as she browses through the writings on all the papers, correcting mistakes whenever she spots them.
"I feel like I'm going to die alone here. But the holidays are so near and if I want to maximize my time with Len by then, I really shouldn't be slacking off here, now should I?"
She exits the room, feeling glorious with an epiphany of some sort and a resolved expression. I'm going to do this—all of this for Len.
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xi. If I Didn't Believe in You
Len
He knocks on her door.
"Kahoko, I know you're in there." He pauses to sigh and knocks again. "I know you're in there, okay. I heard you playing, I heard you letting out a frustrated groan, and I heard you…crying. Do you want to talk?" he suggests, but he gets no reply.
"I can go get the keys to this room downstairs or you can open this room now—either way, I'll be talking to you."
She opens the door and quickly crawls back to the couch inside her practice room. He, for the nth time that afternoon, sighs and follows her. "What's wrong, Kahoko?"
"Did anything happen between you and Miyaji-san?" she asks directly, not finding any courage to look into his eyes. "I just want a simple yes or no, okay? Did anything…?"
"No," he answers. "I—you listen, Kahoko: if I didn't believe in you, we wouldn't have gotten this far. All I ask is that you don't accuse me of these things, okay? My first concert is coming up soon. Would you like to go out and celebrate?" he offers, but she doesn't budge—she sits there, almost catatonic, biting her lip and staring off into space. "Kahoko?"
"I don't want to go out."
Tired and annoyed at the same time, he snaps. "Just because you're stressed with your job, Kahoko, doesn't mean that I have to be with mine, too. I won't lose just because you can't win."
She still doesn't reply. Tears are evident in her eyes, but she still doesn't move.
"Why don't you put on your dress and we'll go?" he asks, trying to pull her out of the chair. "We'll go to some place nice, to your favorite restaurant, wherever you want." He offers a smile to her, but her face is the one devoid of emotions. "Please?"
She pulls away from his grasp and runs out of the room.
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xii. I Can Do Better Than That
Kahoko
"Funny, I didn't really think that you were the type of guy who has the patience to drive for more than an hour," she comments, looking at her reflection in the window. "I miss Misa-san. Last time I saw her was…a year after high school graduation. It's been so long. Has she changed a lot?"
"I don't think so," he replies coolly.
"I think you're saying that because she's your mother and you somehow find her overbearing."
"Change of topic," he says, keeping his eyes on the road. "How was your life while I was abroad?"
"Oh. Well," she started, smiling to herself. "You remember Mio, don't you? After grad, she married Michi-kun. Um, Michi-kun's a drummer somewhere and Mio, she's stuck at home with the babies and I don't want my life to be like that." She smiles goofily at the end of her short story, and then realizes his question. "Oh, wait—that doesn't answer your question; silly me!"
"I went on a few dates with Hihara-senpai." At that, he let out a small growly, prompting her to laugh before she continues, "But it just didn't work out—for me, I mean. He was upset but I don't think I felt that affected by it. He's more like an older brother and…stuff."
"But it shouldn't matter now, should it? I have you, and you, and…um, you. Len Tsukimori-kun, can I just stay with you?"
"Excuse me, what?"
"I mean, it's kind of hard to pay the rent for the apartment I barely stay in since I often fall asleep in the living room of your apartment," she explains, playing with her fingers. "You pay my rent if you want to."
"I bought a house and I thought that maybe you could stay there with me. I—"
"You have a new house?"
"I was planning on telling you on your birthday, but it seems like there's no point in waiting anymore, is there?" He stops the car and faces her, his hands still on the wheel. "Is that a good enough advanced birthday surprise for you?"
"It's too much, Len. I don't even—"
"You better get used to it, then. Your birthday comes only once a year, doesn't it?"
She couldn't really get to reply or go leap from her seat to hug him since Misa Hamai was already waiting outside, knocking impatiently on the window.
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xiii. Nobody Needs to Know
Len
He wakes up in an unfamiliar room, beside a familiar girl—but it's not his wife.
"Miyaji-san? I don't remember when we fell asleep…"
"Tsu-Tsukimori-kun!" she panics in a more than frightened tone. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry—what happened? Kahoko-san will have my head if she, when she—"
Kahoko. Oh yeah.
"She doesn't have to know," he says coldly, rubbing his temples. It's her fault, his mind likes to constantly say, it's her fault that this happened. He likes to believe that his mind is right.
Maybe if she respected my privacy, and stopped blowing all the walls up, this wouldn't have happened.
Miyaji, who is still beside him, starts to cry. "I've always liked you, Tsukimori-kun. And last night, I was being selfish. I—"
"I could be in love with someone like you," he finishes for her. She leans in and kisses him—he doesn't respond, but he doesn't pull away either.
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xiv. Goodbye Until Tomorrow
Kahoko
They kiss for the first time. Though, they both feel like they have before—maybe in their heads, but in any case, this was reality and surely it had a totally different feel, a twist that they couldn't have imagined.
She, still in an obvious daze, walks into her apartment—which honestly, is just as messy as her mind at the moment. Her lips are still tingling, her heart fluttering, and that stupid smile seems like it's inherent—she couldn't feel happier.
She opens her door again and sees him turning the corner. There is a part of her that feels sad, but it's still overwhelmed by the other part of her that's still hung over the events in the past twenty-four hours.
She realizes that she's been waiting for him for so many years.
He may not see or hear it, but she waves and shouts, "Goodbye!" before retreating back into her apartment. Her hand is on her face—it's hot—and she still couldn't stop smiling.
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xv. I Could Never Rescue You
Len
She's sitting there on the bed while he's standing at the doorway. The silence became a compromise, but it is better than the usual drama they face whenever they fight.
"Are you sure—"
"I called Miyaji to help me pack my bags."
"I really thought that we could—"
"You're not the only one who's hurting here."
She tries to smile, despite herself, despite them.
"All I ever wanted was—"
"I could never rescue you," he cuts off again. (Something adds to her apprehensiveness, but she decides not to act on it.) "I tried. It just wasn't enough. I didn't see a way we both could win. All I could do was love you, and I…"
"I understand," she lies. "Just let me breathe for a while and I'll…go get packing. I'll get a room somewhere and I'll find a way to get my other things when I finally settle."
"Would you like me to help?" he offers. "Find a place to stay, I mean."
"No, it's okay. I'll go get packing now." She stands and wobbles a bit, as if her knees really did give up on her as she was sitting. "Um, you have a practice for a concert, don't you?"
"I do," he replies. "I guess I should get going. Goodbye."
He turns around and doesn't look back—like she at least expected him to. His voice is so cold, and his final word, she knew, was serious. Goodbye meant goodbye.
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The End.
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Please review. :)
Oh, oh, and my birthday was...last week. Greet me! :)