Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds and no infringement of copyright is intended; I've just borrowed some characters to play with a few of mine.
Catherine sat in the passenger seat of Spencer's car feeling quite excited about meeting the Hotchners. She had liked Gideon when she met him at the hospital in Georgia, he had been warm and informative about what had happened to Spencer and had stressed that with her help he would come through the experience. Gideon had not tried to give false assurances but truthfully told her briefly what to expect in the weeks to come. She had been grateful for his belief in her ability to cope because his words had helped her on those occasions that she had felt out of her depth.
Spencer had said that the Hotchners' had noticed them several times but had respected their privacy. She liked that being herself a person who had, due to her abilities, been usually on the outside looking in. Her Mom and Aunties had affectionately called her the 'wallflower', but it gave her time to weigh up a situation before joining in if she felt comfortable. She should be feeling nervous about meeting Spencer's boss and his wife but she'd built up a picture of them already from the things Spencer had told her.
She knew that Spencer had a great deal of respect for Hotch; it was a different relationship to the one he had with Gideon. Gideon was the mentor, who in the early years had been a father figure, but had been stepping back to guide her lover into a greater self-confidence in his own abilities in dealing with others. Hotch was very much a man Spencer now looked up to as a leader and role model. Spencer had told her that the Hotchners' seemed to have a happy marriage, despite the demands of the job. He tried to copy Hotch's way of getting as much paper work done on the plane, or sleeping, so he could enjoy his off duty time. He was surprised that the others had not noticed how he now rarely played cards and generally chatted less on the plane home since knowing her.
"Catherine!" Spencer's voice sounded exasperated as she suddenly realised he was asking for attention.
"Sorry, I was thinking, err… was there something?"
"Will you keep a look out for the turning into Linden Lane?"
"Yeah, sure, I was thinking about the Hotchners," said Catherine sheepishly, she knew Spencer hated having to navigate and drive. He was such a careful driver and always studied the map before driving anywhere new, however, he still liked someone to navigate even if the map was imprinted upon his brain. Catherine smiled, 'even we geniuses have our little foibles' she said to herself.
"What?" Spencer enquired; his radar seemed particularly tuned into Catherine at that moment.
"Nothing, just thinking that it was nice of the Hotchners to want to meet me," replied Catherine innocently.
"I think Hotch is making a special effort for us. He still feels he failed to protect me in Georgia. I don't blame anyone; JJ and I made a decision and no one could have foreseen the events that were to follow. That's just the unpredictable way life is sometimes."
"Yeah, it'd be pretty boring if we knew what was going to happen round every corner. It's next right," Catherine instructed.
They turned into a pleasant broad tree-lined avenue in an affluent area; it was obviously far from being what she would have called a lane. The houses all looked well maintained and spacious, she noticed a number of bicycles being ridden by their young owners. Spencer had consciously slowed down to accommodate these youngsters. There were a few children playing together; a couple dressed as pirates were giving instructions to playmates. Suddenly, Spencer made a left turn into a driveway and stopped before the wide garage doors. Catherine gathered herself together, and got out. She then opened the back door on her side to reach on to the back seat to pick up the flowers.
"Spencer, you …" began a man's voice.
"Daddy fowers…" a bright eyed toddler had stormed past and stood before Catherine holding up his arms in delight at the large bunch of colour she was holding.
"Hello!" Catherine beamed, "You must be Jack,"
Jack's face shone with wonder, and nodded.
"The pretty flowers are for Mommy, " Catherine said holding her hand out to Jack who took it happily.
"Mommy in house…" and began to lead the way, with Catherine in tow.
"Can I call you Hotch?" asked the smiling Catherine, as she was lead past the man of the house.
"Of course…" replied Hotch, feeling he'd lost control of the situation already.
Spencer looked up at Hotch, he grinned feeling totally relaxed with his boss, "Told you she was a child magnet," as Hotch seemed to be recovering from having his greeting totally sabotaged by his toddler. "Jack's got some good language skills coming along," added Spencer as he followed Hotch into the house,
"By leaps and bounds, he's got new words every time I see him and he understands so much more. He's a lot more interesting now,"
"Yeah, but now it's the tantrums because they can't express what they want…"
"Since when did you become the child psychologist?" Hotch teased.
"Since the girl friend introduced me to her brother's family…Honestly Hotch, never been so scared as when she put her new nephew in my arms…"
"Well, I had to make sure you could cope with babies…I do a lot of baby sitting for Marcus and MaryAnne" interjected Catherine who had been getting acquainted with Hayley.
Hayley and Hotch exchanged surprised looks.
"Well as you're still together I take it he passed the test," added an amused Hotch. He felt totally relaxed by this woman he now had in his home. He and Hayley had seen her at a distance, and Hotch had noted how natural they seemed together. Gideon had said she was nice and dependable but Catherine was more than that, she was warm and had an ability to put people at ease. This woman felt right for Spencer, who seemed more confident in her presence. Hotch liked this young man who was now in his home and wondered if he was too diffident at work because of the other forceful personalities on the team.
While the women and Jack wondered off towards the kitchen to find vases for the flowers, Hotch led the way into the less formal den.
"Can I get you a drink?" Hotch offered.
"No thanks, I'm fine. Wow you have a lovely garden," said Spencer, captivated by the view from the expanse of window. The two men stood side by side gazing out on to the garden.
"Hayley's efforts really, but its great for Jack to run around in."
"Catherine's found a house with a garden, it's a jungle at the moment but I'm sure she'll tell you about her plans,"
"A house…." Hotch's eyes teased, "don't tell me its got potential,"
"Right on target!" grinned Spencer, "Are they all the same?" he asked the experienced male.
"I recognised the nesting look," Hotch admitted, and gestured towards a comfortable looking black leather couch.
"Well I told Catherine that I'm not living with her in the house unless she's on the official contact list," Spencer said in a tone of quiet determination that Hotch had come to recognise over the years.
"How did she take that?"
"Said we'd discuss it again once the place was renovated,"
"It's in that bad a state?"
"It'll keep her out of mischief for a few months if they accept her offer,"
"Why is she so apprehensive about an official vetting?" asked Hotch. He really was quite puzzled by her reluctance not to be officially named on his forms.
"Its her second income… doesn't want it known about,"replied Spencer.
"Do you want me to re-assure her?"
The younger man gave him a beautiful smile, the sheer openness of it reminded Hotch of the pre-Georgia days. He knew that Catherine was special enough to still produce these flashes of the less traumatised Reid. Aaron Hotchner did not quite understand her reluctance but then she was a country girl compared with the more worldly city born partners; perhaps she was just unsure of the F.B.I.'s procedures.
"You seem very relaxed today, Spencer, it's really good to see you like this. You know it concerns me that we don't normally get a chance to discuss things outside the issues of a case," Hotch openly admitted, hoping that his candour would be reciprocated.
"No, we don't, do we. I guess its because we both try to keep our private lives from being contaminated by the work and I do try to have a life outside work. I mean …I do appreciate the friendship of the team but I do like to get away from it," said Spencer feeling that he'd not expressed himself very well.
"Yeah, I do know what you mean. If you see colleagues on a regular basis outside of work it becomes harder to separate work and pleasure," said the older man finding Reid far easier to talk to than he imagined.
"So did you go and see this house yesterday?"
"Catherine's had her eye on it for weeks but she arranged a viewing yesterday morning because the price had dropped to her liking," he said quietly, "In the afternoon, I went to see my father," he continued in a totally understated way that Hotch wondered if he'd heard correctly.
"You saw your father?" Hotch couldn't help himself repeating. It was only a couple of days ago that Gideon had told him about William Reid. Hotch was not quite sure how to proceed knowing that the man had left when Spencer was 10.
"Yes, he'd contacted Gideon because he wanted to know that I was all right after being kidnapped. Dad gave Gideon a contact number if I wanted to speak to him," Hotch nodded his encouragement for Reid to continue.
"When I got home I told Catherine and she encouraged me to call him and I went to his apartment yesterday afternoon," the young man said softly. He looked earnestly into Hotch's eyes, wanting him to understand the deep need he had to see his a father after all the years. Spencer was sure that the little the team knew about his life, the part where his father had left him with a mentally sick mother, had horrified them.
"I needed to know why and I knew so little about my Mom's family and how they had met…"
"Of course you needed answers, did you get them?" Hotch gently asked.
"Yeah, I learnt that my Mom had been into drugs as a student but Dad had stood by her and paid for rehab several times to the point that his family disowned him…." Spencer proceeded to tell his boss of the events of the previous day and how good it felt to see his Dad again.
Hotch listened carefully observing, the profiler in him rarely off duty. The older man felt that this meeting had been totally beneficial and probably had happened at the right time in Spencer's life.
"That's wonderful news, Spencer. It must be a great weight off you knowing about your Mom,"
"God, Hotch, it feels like I'm free from all these years of watching my Mom decline and fearing I was going to start showing the symptoms at any time…you have no idea how that has affected my relationships. You know I have had the occasional girlfriend but they usually didn't last once they found out about Mom. Sometimes it wasn't the girl but their family's," Spencer confessed.
"I'm sorry," said Hotch but the words seemed inadequate to soothe the pain this sensitive young man had experienced in his early relationships, " but then you met Catherine," he prompted on a brighter note.
"Well, Catherine is so very special," Spencer beamed a radiant smile, "I never knew just how much a person could mean to my everyday happiness. I guess that is what love is about; all the little things that we take for granted which just become invisibly woven into the fabric of our lives."
"She has been with you all the way over the PTSD, she's one of life's treasures and you don't want to loose this priceless gem," Hotch counselled.
"No, I don't want to jeopardise this relationship. I'm trying to keep a balance with the demands of the job and keeping a life with Catherine," he acknowledged, "I feel more confident about the future after yesterday. I mean, Dad and I can't go backwards but we can build on what we have as adults. Its like I've found the missing pieces of the jigsaw of my early life. It's a wonderful feeling; I can finally breathe deeply of life for the first time and dream of a future with Catherine."
"That's good, Spencer, after all you've been through you deserve some happiness. I remember when I came to realise what my breaking point was, it made me appreciate the life I had with Hayley and it brought us even closer. It made us both want a family but then Hayley had several miscarriages so Jack is very precious to us." Hotch quietly shared.
"I didn't realise…"Spencer softly said, the enormity of those few words were not lost on Reid who had shared the happiness of Catherine's extended family.
"Why should you, we were moved around a lot in those days, this Quantico position as been the longest placement," Hotch said, remembering it was the first house they had bought on Hayley's insistence because she wanted a garden for children.
"I'm not ready to tell the team about Catherine," Spencer suddenly confided, "its been bad enough having to put up with their pitying looks and fumbled approaches….Sorry, that must sound totally selfish and insensitive of me…"
"No, it doesn't…just because you work with people it doesn't always mean they are the best people to confide in…" Hotch soothed, realising as the minutes passed on how alike in many ways the team's genius was to himself when he was younger.
"But you do have someone who will listen?" Hotch gently probed, he felt guilty himself for not taking this step sooner.
"I was given a choice of psych's after the initial discharge, although Max came to assess me while I was still in hospital in Georgia," he said softly, sinking into the memory of those days of the physical pain and the withdrawal of the drugs. Catherine had been steadfastly with him despite his attempts to push her away in his shame of being seen as weak. It was only now, after months of counselling, that he was really understanding what all the medical staff had been telling him: he was very strong to have survived.
"I found I was more comfortable talking with Arthur, do you know him?"
"Yes, the small bearded bear of a man, got a very deep voice…I've had him for a few psych assessments…" Hotch replied remembering the quiet unassuming middle aged man.
"Yes, in some ways he reminded me of Gideon before his depressive break," said Spencer, his voice had become very soft, "Gideon's not coping very well is he?"
Hotch felt the unexpected question tear through this moment that he thought was about getting Spencer to trust him more. Hotch looked up into deep brown knowing eyes and he felt sick as his inner steadiness stumbled. How long had Reid suspected the very doubts that he was having over his friend?
He couldn't reply but managed a slight shake of the head in acknowledgement of the young man's observations. Reid was silent; judging that Hotch needed time to adjust to where he had taken the conversation.
"How long have you been having your doubts?" Hotch finally managed.
"It was after the Garner case, the sanctity of his cabin had been destroyed and in a way it was my fault,"
"No, " Hotch interjected, "You wrote things quite innocently to your Mom, none of us blame you in any way," he re-assured.
"Nevertheless, Gideon began to withdraw even more into himself after that case. I have surmised that his relationship with Jane hasn't lasted…"
"No, I don't think the severed head helped them…" Hotch ruefully added.
"And then there was Elle," Spencer continued, and Hotch felt his stomach lurch again; he still felt guilty over Elle.
"I knew something was wrong, I couldn't be sure if Gideon had picked up on it but I did try…I went to see her in her hotel room," Hotch stared at Reid seeing him in a new light. The youngest team member had reached out compassionately to a woman much older and far more battled scarred than Reid had been at that time.
"What happened?" he managed to ask although his mouth seemed suddenly dry and not wanting to speak.
"She didn't want to confide in me…I was too young, just a kid …what would I know or understand? I was the wrong person…I didn't have the gravitas of you or Gideon. It's a problem with the team; they see me as the kid because they can't really cope with my intelligence nor what has happened to me recently."
Hotch listened intently, this was the real Spencer Reid and wondered just how lonely he felt at times within the team. For all his youth, Reid was not a kid and had never had a normal upbringing and certainly had to take on adult responsibilities far too early. However, it was his big puppy dog eyes and youthful awkwardness that was endearing to those who knew him but it did mask a razor sharp mind with a compassion far beyond his 26 years.
"We failed to pick up on Elle, I blame myself as the leader of the unit: the buck stops with me."
"Not entirely, Gideon, as a senior agent and psychologist is slipping because he's afraid of getting too close to us having lost one team in that bombing. He still seems to get the job done. He throws himself wholeheartedly into the actual cases we have to compensate for not keeping an eye on the team dynamics. I suspect if things push him too far again, or he begins to doubt himself, then he'll take early retirement,"
"That's a damn good assessment of your mentor, so you think we have failed you too?" asked Hotch wanting to face the reply now he had the young man talking on such a deep level and revealing his considerable abilities.
"I guess I would have liked to feel that Gideon had been at my back more. But then a lot has happened to him since he first took me under his wing. Gideon has all that experience of PTSD himself yet he didn't reach out to me until I failed to answer my phone to go with Emily and Morgan."
"He couldn't ignore that. I failed to monitor you thinking that Gideon was keeping an eye because you were his protégé…he persuaded the Director to bend the rules so he could train you for the BAU," Hotch confessed feeling very guilty. This young agent had been silently screaming for help while the two senior agents, who should have heard him, ignored all the signals he was sending out.
"I'm sorry, I should have intervened sooner, but Gideon kept saying you needed space to find your feet again and everyone was re-adjusting to the events of the Henkel case."
"I wasn't totally on my own, I have Catherine, and Marcus her brother, we get on really well and I trust him and his wife, MaryAnne. Then there were my sessions with Arthur and seeing Ethan in New Orleans was good…it helped me realise that I wanted to stay in the unit," replied Spencer, and Hotch began to get a picture of the significant people who belonged to the very private world of the genius.
"I told Morgan on Friday, before I left, that I wanted the team to stop worrying about me and pay more attention to the cases. I'm coming through this but I am coming out the other end changed,"
Spencer admitted.
"Do you regret the changes?"
"No, I think I'm beginning to understand my own inner strengths more and learning that emotions have to be confronted and that they don't always respond to reason," said the young man with a wry smile, "Dad and I had a good cry yesterday afternoon; it was beneficial to both of us."
Hotch sat back into the large comfortable leather couch, Spencer Reid was an exceptional man and he didn't want to loose him off the team.
"The team will just have to accept the changes Spencer. What you faced is not an everyday occurrence even for a F.B.I. agent. JJ has come through it a lot stronger too. We will be all right but we will all have to adjust, it's the nature of traumatic events." Hotch re-assured.
"Morgan still sees me as the little innocent kid,"
"How do you see him?" Hotch asked hoping for another straight reply.
"Morgan reminds me of my tormentors at school and in my early years at college. On the one hand he likes to think he offers friendship but he can also be teasing. I'm too sensitive towards that because I was teased so badly when younger, that it crossed the line and became another form of bullying. He is a good agent and can be relied upon, in fact I trust the whole team on the job, but off duty I want a distance. Morgan doesn't trust people. He puts on a confident air, the man about town, a ladies man but he fears commitment. Basically, he still blames himself for the grooming he experienced as a teenager; to compensate he works out to boost his masculine image, plays the field with women and he deliberately chooses women who want no commitment but he blames it on the job. He is terrified of his sensitive side and again very rarely shows this, in case someone takes advantage. I doubt he would be able to cope with Catherine because she's a plain speaking woman who would tell him very quickly if she didn't like his behaviour towards me."
"Have you told her?" asked Hotch who had more than once pulled Morgan aside to say that his behaviour was uncalled for.
"She thinks he's immature and her brothers would not have put up with some of his antics,"
Hotch nodded, JJ usually smoothed such instances and she still gravitated towards Spencer on the plane or in the SUV. They were the two most obvious sensitives and often would be seen sitting together in companionable silence.
"Garcia's a good friend…crazy but well meaning, she cares a lot about Morgan and he seems to trust her. Emily seems to be working well with him," said Spencer thoughtfully as he gazed out of the big picture window.
"Do you like Emily?" Hotch tentatively asked. He really hoped that Spencer would give an opinion about the team's newest member. He sometimes wondered if he would ever get over her unexpected arrival.
"I don't dislike but I don't know her. She's a bit of a mystery. I think she has had very demanding parents and still feels that she is trying to prove herself to them. Emily is very intelligent but like very intelligent women, plays this down because men usually can't cope with women more intelligent than themselves. We have very delicate egos," Spencer said chuckling.
"Well you're a genius, you don't count," countered Hotch defending his sex.
"Catherine is a genius, she plays down her intelligence but she will use it if she feels someone needs an over inflated ego busted!"
"Mmm…I shall file away the warning," Hotch grinned.
"Emily was just dropped on us," Spencer suddenly continued in a serious vein, "I don't understand the politics but I wonder who pulled the strings. She has worked extremely hard to get accepted by the team. I think she was genuinely worried about me when I first returned, but I pushed her away in a very snappy mood…she was the wrong person at the wrong time," he said apologetically remembering the incident.
"PTSD can make us very touchy, especially when we first return back on the job. We are trying to prove to ourselves, and colleagues, that we can still do the job. Apparently I was near impossible the first time I experienced it…Hayley thought the guys would cold shower me to cool me down; I was so fired up to prove I could still handle things."
The two men studied each other, both knowing that the job had brought them to their limits but they still wanted to be part of the team.
"Thank you," Spencer broke the silence, "I appreciate what you are doing today. I want the stability of a home to come back to like you have…I keep telling myself that this sense of normality can be achieved despite the demands of the job."
"You're very welcome, Spencer, and from what you've said Catherine is trying to carve out that little haven of normality for you. She seems to be getting on well with Hayley from the laughter that keeps filtering through,"
They smiled wondering what the women were plotting while they seemed to have been very serious.
"Come on, Catherine and Jack have laid the table and….you two haven't been talking work have you?" Hayley eyed the pair suspiciously. They both tried to look innocent but she looked hard at her husband. Spencer thought that his boss would have some explaining to do later.
Lunch was a very pleasant vegetable lasagne and salad with apple pie and ice cream to follow. Hayley had taken Hotch's advice and decided on a vegetarian dish because her husband had noticed that Spencer often ordered vegetarian options when on the road. Talk seemed to centre on the house, which Hotch was genuinely interested in and a good way to get Catherine to relax with him. The more he spoke with her the more he felt she was the partner the youngest team member needed. Spencer and Jack seemed to be getting on well, although seated in his high chair next to Hayley, Spencer deliberately engaged with him. Hayley was fascinated by this transformation in the young man who had seemed terrified of Jack when she had first brought him into the office.
After lunch, Jack was too excited to have his normal rest.
"He's going to get grumpy and then suddenly collapse with exhaustion," said Hayley apologetically.
"Yeah, that's all right, we're use to this. We'll take him out in the garden and let him run around a bit that will help to tire him," Spencer said, "Coming Jack," he offered his hand.
"Man play ball," Jack enthusiastically tugged at the hand towards the french windows and the garden beyond.
"I like ball," Spencer said simply, letting the toddler confidently lead the way.
Catherine laughed at the bemused parents, "I told you, I've tested him out on my brother's children,"
"I'll go and make some coffee," Hayley said, "why don't you go and enjoy the garden and I'll bring it out when it's ready."
Hotch lead the way to a shaded area with a table and chairs. They watched Jack and Spencer kick and chase after a large orange sponge ball, it was a happy scene; Jack was giggling away with his new playmate.
"You're right, he's good at that," said Hotch, "You want children don't you."
Catherine appreciated the direct approach, "Yes," she simply said, "Even more so since he was hurt, it made me realise that I would have nothing of what we are together without a child… I had a happy childhood and was the youngest."
Hotch nodded his understanding, he and Hayley had come to a similar conclusion in their own relationship. There was nothing like staring your own death in the face to make you realise how fragile life was.
"The job is a bitch, but it is rewarding and I do enjoy it." Hotch asserted.
"So does Spencer and he knows my maternal side. I think I cope quite well keeping my own career going alongside his work."
"I'm not criticising you in any way," Hotch suddenly interrupted, "in fact, I think you are good together, I'm really pleased to have met you because I now know for myself that he goes home to a stable relationship. But…I'm worried that the F.B.I. vetting procedure is coming between you and it shouldn't. Tell me what's wrong?"
"I have a secret life as a writer, Spencer knows about it but no one else, not even my brothers," she confessed.
"Look, as far as the F.B.I. is concerned as long as you pay your taxes and are doing nothing illegal or immoral then they will not object. If Spencer knows then it must be OK because he's such a moral and conscientious man he wouldn't think of jeopardising the job he loves doing."
"Will I be expected to tell you my pen name?"
"Yes, but the F.B.I. is not going to broadcast it, we do have other partners who write you know and its all been kept quiet at our end. Look you have already said that Spencer knows, the F.B.I. can be very discrete and I'll not tell anyone. Just what do you write?" Hotch was really puzzled by her excessive sense of privacy.
"Well you're a profiler work it out," she challenged.
Hotch sat back and observed this small cuddly and definitely maternal woman. She sat happily watching Jack and Spencer run around on the lawn. Hotch could easily forget that she was in fact a renowned expert in her field of cuneiform writing. He thought through the different writing genres; her secrecy and analytical mind could lend itself to crime novels, espionage or science fiction. Her down to earth approach to life lead him to dismiss romance novels but then the pieces all came together in his mind. It was the way she related to Jack, he turned to her and smiled.
"Do you write for children?"
Catherine turned her befreckled round face to him and smiled, it was utterly trusting, her deep grey eyes held him, weighing him up before replying, "Yes,"
"So why all the secrecy?"
"I'm very successful and I do give money to children's medical charities. I choose them and they are often in poorer states. If my name gets out… I don't want the begging letters because there is only so much you can do…" she simply replied.
Hotch listened carefully and realised that in her own very sensitive way this genius touched many lives, far more than Spencer would in his work, but she also knew her limits.
"You're Amy Sequoia," he quietly stated, remembering reading how a children's hospital in Alabama had received an unexpected donation to help refurbish their burns unit. They put a thank you in two national newspapers because they were so thrilled by the donation. The author's agent had been interviewed but he wouldn't give anything away. He only said that Amy choose to give money to places that might otherwise be forgotten.
"That's our secret," she said softly, pleading with her eyes not to betray this information.
"I promise," he quietly re-assured. He was amused by her sense of humour against herself; a sequoia was the tallest native American tree. He saw Hayley walking toward the table with a tray of coffee and a trainer mug of juice for Jack.
"Jack dink!" Jack shouted on seeing her. Spencer looked as if he could do with a break too.
Many hours later, Aaron Hotchner sat in his study and thought about the conversation he had had with Spencer. He felt he should have reached out to Gideon's protégé sooner and should not have been so reliant upon Gideon's assessment of the situation. However, this afternoon only confirmed his own growing sense that Gideon may be moving towards the end of his career and he needed supporting too. He would have to keep a closer eye on Gideon's dealings with the team just in case he missed another cry for help.
However, the lunch with the young couple had gone well. Hayley had particularly liked Catherine and Hotch sensed a genuine friendship in the making outside of their partners' work. Spencer Reid had revealed another side to his personality; a social side which was confident and devoid of 'sprouting endless facts and figures' for which he was well known when on the job. But above all, Hotch had seen a profiler who could surpass his mentor, if he could just get the balance right between the pressures of work and a happy home life. He got up and switched off the light before mounting the stairs. Aaron Hotchner was a man who knew how precious a happy home life was and he worked hard to keep it that way.