*WARNING! This fic is composed of crack and whatever insanity I might have been bored enough to dream up of. Expect no coherent story whatsoever. Expect some degree of laziness. Expect- oh you get the point. Regardless, enjoy.
The Harvest & Trustee Bank , Midday...
" IT'S A MOTHERFUCKIN' TASER ! "
" Wha-"
Hoxton(Pre Hoxton Brekout) recieved Wolf's warning too late, and seconds later , the blue-suited heister found himself babbling incoherently as the special unit struck with his taser.
" I'm the fucking sparkman ! " the taser yelled with glee as he watched the heister squirm from his attack.
"Hblebblaghbreharnbgemgnmblabmbethesin ! " The blue suited heister babbled as his left arm managed to struggle towards a small button mounted on the right side of his lightweight ballistic vest.
" What was that ? Couldn't understand ya . " The taser mocked as he increased voltage, making him squirm more as his thumb barely managed to hover over the button.
*BEEP ! BEEP ! BEEP !*
" I think he meant to say ; " Have a taste of your own medicine ! " " Chains yelled out from the front of the bank as he kicked the thermal drill, which was currently lodged in the bank vault.
" Keep drillin' ya' peice of shit ! "
" Wha ? I took my pills this morning, that made no sense. And how could you understand hi-"
The taser never got to finish, as Hoxton pressed the button, sending a shock through the taser's prongs, and into the taser himself
" Wreah ! Bleh ! Wrblhblhbhlehblahbleh ! " the taser shrieked as he dropped his weapon, falling to the ground in a fit of spasms as Hoxton sunk to his knees.
" And THATS how Shockproof Aced works everyone ! Well ,for Def4lt's logic. Still , LOGIC ! " Wolf said as he gave a thumbs up to the wall.
" Wolf , who the hell are you talking to ? " Dallas asked as he slowly picked the safe in the managers office.
" It's Probably them voices inside his head aga-"
*BEEP ! BEEP ! BEEP !*
" I HATE THIS BROKE DICK PIECE OF SHIT DRILL ! " Chains yelled out as he began beating the drill with the butt of his shotgun.
" Not this time , Chains. This time I was talking to the reader and every Technician player who doesn't understand how the hell aced Shockproof works. "
" Wolf, now's not the time to break the 4th wall. We're barely into the plot yet. You need to take hos-"Bain started, only to be cut off by the
"Yeah yeah, hostages. Whatever. " Wolf nonchalantly responded as he disabled his small headset in his ear.
"Ok...Oh thank god, I finally fixed this damn thi-"
BEEP ! BEEP ! BEEP !
" WOLF ! GET YO' CRAZY ASS OVER HERE AND FIX THIS FUCKIN' DRILL ! " Chains screamed as he alternated between bashing the drill with his gun and his foot.
" Oh god, I hate those fuckers. " Hoxton said to himself as Wolf helped him to his feet.
" Y'know Wolf, you could've helped me out back there with the whole taser thing. " Hoxton grumbled as Wolf walked over towards a fuming Chains.
" Yeah, maybe we could go for pizza later Jami-Oh, wha ? You say something ? " Wolf asked as if it was the most normal thing in the world.
" Nevermind . " Hoxton responded as he turned his attention to the black S.W.A.T. van that pulled up in the front of the bank, but not before noticing the open sewer grate in the front of it.
" Oh shit , no . MANHOOLE !" Hoxton yelled out as he quickly rushed to the back of the bank to find some planks, but he also noticed the broken vent above him. "VEEEENT ! " he yelled
" Manhole ? " Chains asked as he franticaly reloaded his shotgun, occasionally dropping a shell or two and scrambling to pick them up.
" Vent ?! " Dallas asked in fear as the safe finally opened , revealing a gold plated OVE9000 saw with infnite saw blades. Yet because of the vent announcement, he seemed not to care as he scrambled to reload his KSP light machine gun.
" WHICH ONE OF YOU S.W.A.T. FUCKS KNOWS WHERE THE NEAREST ARBY'S IS ?! " Wolf yelled out to the S.W.A.T. team preparing to infiltrate the bank.
" 42N'D STREET ! ITS JUST AROUND THE CORNER ! " an FBI shield yelled back to him.
" THANK YOUU ! "
"..."
" What ? I'm starving . "
" Chi chi chi ka ka ka . " a voice from seemingly nowhere whispered eerily into the heisters comns, making them all freeze.
"Cloaker."
"Cloaker."
"Cloaker."
" Wonder if S.W.A.T. vans were meant for being makeshift bumper cars. " Wolf thought to himself with a smile as he slowly snuck around the left side of the bank.
" Leedle leedle leedle lee ! " a voice similar to the first one sang out joyfully.
"..."
" The fuck, Eren ? " the first voice said, slightly unamused.
" Look , I'm tired. I''m kinda hungry, lets just get this over with already. i got band rehearsal in 15 minutes. "
" I see your point. Let's move ! "
" Alright everyone , keep your eyes open for-" Dallas started as he exited the managers office, standing in fron of an unbroken window.
"WULULULULULULULULULULULULLUULU-"
Before Dallas could finish, he found himself being kicked in the chest by a cloaker, launching him through the window and at the feet of another waiting cloaker outside.
"Listen here , I got this drum solo I've been working on . " the cloaker said to Dallas, who instantly covered his face with his arms.
Suprisingly, Dallas didn't feel the impact of a nightsitck. Instead, he looked up to see that the cloaker began playing a rather well-organied 36 seconds of an epic drum solo with a drumset he acquired from nowhere .
" Hm, not bad. I think you could've hit it harder towards the end." Dallas said as the cloaker finished his solo.
'' Oh , you want harder ?! " the cloaker screamed, his voice nearly breaking as he kicked dallas in the face, beating him down with his nightstick.
" Is this hard enough for ya ? IS THIS HARD ENOUGH FOR YOU !? " he screamed in rage as he struck Dallas with his nightstick, each blow harder than the last.
" Jeez , Eren . Calm down. And take it down a notch, will ya ? We're meant to look brutal, not like monsters. " the first cloaker said quietly to his comrade, wincing as he heard the sound of breaking bones.
'AGGHH ! FUCK YOU ! FUCK YOU KEAN ! NOBODY CRITICIZES ME ! NOBODY ! " the second cloaker roared as he pointed his nightstick towards the first cloaker, the latter letting out a yelp and cowering as Chains slowly approached from behind.
Before the Eren could attack Dallas any further, Wolf jumped down from the roof, landing behind him and repeatedly stabbing him in the back with a small kukri.
" YAAAAAAAAAAH ! SHINOBI MOTHAFUCKA ! I'M A NINJA ! YOU'VE GOT SOME COMPETITION IN THE STEALTH GAME NOW, BEEYOTCH ! " Wolf yelled out with glee as he stabbed Eren to death.
" Keean , avenge meee . Bleh ! " Eren groaned out as he slumped onto the ground, with literaly hundreds of stab wounds in his back.
" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kean yelled out as he performed a spinning heel kick into the side of Chains' head and striking his exposed neck with his nightstick, causing the heister to gag as he fell to the ground.
In nearly the blink of an eye , Kean found himself literaly rushng out the back door, jump kicking Hoxton as he enterered with some planks.
" Ah shit ! Someone heeelp ! " Hoxton yelled before kean kicked him in the face, rushing out the door to confront Wolf, who somehow made his way to the parking lot.
" You could've got me up , Wolf ! YA DICK ! " Dallas yelled as a bulldozer dragged him away to place him in custody.
" The better to FUCK you with ! " Wolf yelled out before he noticed an extremely pissed off Kean.
" Come at me , bro ! I ain't afraid of you ! " Wolf challenged, swinging his kukri threatiningly towards Kean.
'WULULULULULULULULULULUULULU-"
" LEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYY-" Wolf screamed as he charged towards Kean.
" ONIII CHAAAAAAAAN ! " a high pitched, radio like female voice yelled out from nowhere as a black blur smashed into Kean, causing wolf to stop charging as he stared at the sight before him ; a FEMALE cloaker rubbing Kean's face into her rather well-endowed chest while babbling something about "Onii chan ! " repeatedly .
" Well, that was unexpected. Back to what I was originally doing. " Wolf said, somewhat confused as he walked off, throwing his kukri at a sniper.
" D-damnit Kanazaki ! I thought i told you NOT to follow me here ! " Kean said as he struggled to pry his captor off of him, who simply giggled as she hugged Kean.
" How could I stand back as Onii Chan charged into battle so bravely ? I couldn't help myself ! "
" Didn't Eren tie you up before we left ? "
" You know I always carry a knife in my back pocket, Onii Chan "
" A'ight . This has officialy gotten too weird for me. I'm just gonna stop this robbin' and shit ! Fuck Bain, fuck the Elephant, Fuck Vlad, Hector, and whoever the fuck else we do this shit for ! I'm just gonna finish getting my accounting degree. I'm gonna go legit ! " Chains declared as he tore off his mask and gloves , walking towards the front door of the bank.
BEEP ! BEEP ! BEEP ! BEEP !
" AND FUCK THIS BROKE DICK USELESS PIECE OF SHIT DRILL ! " Chains yelled as he threw his knife at it, finally breaking it in two.
Nearby...
" Aaaaand as usual, everything went to shit when we tried to stealth it. Again. On pro. " Dallas commented to Hoxton in the back of a squad car.
" Extra guard you forgot about ? " the black bulldozer that brought them in asked as he wrote a report in the passenger seat of the squad car.
" You know it. "
" Sucks doesn't it ? "
" Yup. Say, what happened to Hank ? "
" Who's Hank ? "
" A bulldozer friend of yours. . Said he'd be hiding to REALLY surprise us. "
" Did ya drill into the vault ? "
"No, Chains left and broke the drill."
" Well, he's dead then. "
" How so ? " Hoxton asked ?
Inside the vault...
'They all laughed at me ! They all said I was crazy hiding inside a safety deposit box for robbers. Said they'd never show up. but here they are ! They'll drill into the vault and open up the first safety deposit box and BAM ! Bulldozer time ! Just hope they get in here before I pass out or die from heat stroke. They'll see . I'll prove that I'm not crazy. How the hell did I stuff myself in here ? ' A skulldozer thought to himself as he giddily waited inside a safety deposit box, unaware of the broken for good drill.
LEEVE A FAVURYTE EEF U CRAI EVEREHTHYME !
Back outside...
" I see. " Hoxton responded, unsure of how to feel
" Say, what happened to Wolf ? "
" Bu-bu-bu-bump-" Wolf cheered, racing down the street towards the squad car in a black S.W.A.T. truck.
" Oh SHIT ! " Dallas yelled out loud.
" Drive , Bulldozer ! DRIVE ! "Hoxton yelled to the black bulldozer
" I don't have the keys on me ! Hank did ! And I can't get out with this GOD DAMN NECK GORGET ! " the black bulldozer responded, fear in his voice as Wolf's van neared them.
" FUCK ! " Hoxton yelled out.
But suddenly, a second black S.W.A.T. roared out of the alley and drove towards Wolf.
"Ba-ba-bump-" a green bulldozer cheered as he sped owards the madman.
" BUMPER CARS ! " both screamed as the vans collided in front of the bank, Wolf's van flipping over the bulldozer's and flying into the sky, while the bulldozer's van smashed into Chains as he exited the bank while smashing through the walls of the building, obliterating the lobby and smashing open the vault while Wolf's van performed acrobatics, tearing up the road and sending chunks of deris everywhere before landing on it's back doors, towering over the squad car.
" Oh thank god, it stopped. " Dallas sighed in relief.
" WULULULULULULULU-"
Without a warning, Kanuzaki appeared from nowhere and daintily kicked the leaning S.W.A.T. van, causing it to tilt forward and smash the squad car, crushing the heisters and the bulldozer.
" I told you I could knock it over , Onii Chan. Now you know what you owe me ! " she said before giggling lightly.
" Ughhh, alright. " Kean groaned as he spread his arms open.
" Bring it i-"
" ONII CHAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN ! " she screamed as she dove onto Kean, hugging him and rubbing her face against his, babbling Onii Chan repeatedly.
" That-" Wolf started groggily from the inside of his van.
" Turned out-" The green bulldozer started as well, somewhat weary from the crash.
" Exactly as planned. " Wolf said excitedly as both vans caught on fire before exploding.
Bank Heist : Failed.
Heist failed. No money will be paid out, all assets have been locked, and any valuables that have been found have been confiscated.
As Wolf would put it ; " You gotta start over, BITCH !" His words. Not ours.